Wednesday, October 31, 2007

list the activities you would do if you weren't so afraid...

1. go for walks alone
1. drive around town
3. bungie jump
4. sleep in complete darkness
5. go out places alone beyond the absolute necessities

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

list all the qualities you love about being human

My therapist gave me a list of journal prompts from a book called List Your Self today. I'm starting with the first one on the list...

List all the qualities you love about being human:

1. Love
2. Being able to go to amusement parks etc.
3. Learning
4. Friendship
5. Internet/computers

Monday, October 29, 2007

slept through the alarm again

I need a new, louder alarm clock. I'm sleeping too deeply. Dr. Bellman called me when I didnt show up for my appointment. We rescheduled for tomorrow after livingwell group. I want to punish myself by cutting somewhere in which the cutting will cause pain (such as my breast or the front of my leg) I want to cut to quiet the inside people who are taunting me. I want to cut to relax.

I went to mom's house to back up my moms files so she can take her computer in to the shop before the warrenty runs out next month. I picked up Kylee and Dillon and went to the grocery store for mom. The twins are sick. Stomach flu. Especially Daniel.

mad season (matchbox twenty)

I feel stupid - but I know it wont last for long
Ive been guessing - I coulda been guessin wrong
You dont know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down

I feel stupid but its something that comes and goes
Ive been changin - think its funny how now one knows
We dont talk about - the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why ya gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now
It seems to me - youd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im lost and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

I feel stupid - but I think I been catchin on
I feel ugly - but I know I still turn you on
You seem colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out
You need to be together now - I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im lost and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

Now Im cryin - isnt that what you want
Im tryin to live my life on my own
But I wont
At times - I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do i, i, I feel stupid
And I came undone
And I came undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im lost and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken

I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im a child and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

In this mad season
Theres been a mad season
Been a mad season

Sunday, October 28, 2007

freaked out

Everything is upsetting me tonight. small things. like dawggy teasing me. i freaked out on him and logged off and went to bed and cried and cut and cried some more. I dont know whats wrong with me tonight. i was fine earlier. just all of the sudden i'm a complete and utter MESS. i hate myself. I'm talking to dawggy now and he's helping me with a list so hopefully that'll help me feel better.

Marcie couldn't do it either.

Couldn't do what? Assemble the chairs that came with my kitchen table. We've all decided that they cannot be put together and are going to put them in the shed and eventually buy new chairs (one's that come pre-assembled!). Marcie and I went to churches chicken. I had chicken strips but they were hard to eat cuz my bridge has fallen out again so I had them poligriped in and they were loose eating. As soon as we got back to my apartment I took them out, washed them, and set them on my desk shell so I can find them for tomorrow.

Tommorrow I have to go to clubhouse, see my therapist then either come home or go to my mom's house and find a dentist that can put my bridge back in to stay. Please pray I find a good dentist that can fix my teeth that is covered by my insurance and won't charge me a bundle to somehow fix my front teethlessness permentally.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

LONG day...

I slept between an hour and an hour and a half this morning. I then got up at 6:45am and got to school by 7:45am. I've had a migrane since yesterday. I fell asleep briefly in class and drooled all over my notebook. The quiz was done in groups and my group members did the work so that was easy. We then practiced what we had to do in lab. Then we did lab. Some people worked in two's but I'm an oddball out and no one talks to me except occasionallly Yvette, but she usually dont pay much attention to me either. The lab was looking up stuff on the computer on a certain site. Then came the OCLC project. The OCLC project supposedly only needed an hour to finish. I was there til almost 5pm!!!!! And that was with the teacher helping me and even doing part of it for me.

I stopped by Grandma's house on the way home to pee. I got my chairs to my kitchen table. All this time no one has been able to put together. Hopefully Marcie can help me figure it out. If not, oh well. Thres not much room for them anyways.

My bridge fell out today while I was working on the OCLC project. I glued them back in. I had been eating caramels but has tried my best not to let them touch my front teeth. On monday I need to call a dentist. I have to go to the clinicin the morning but i dont have class this monday night.

I'm tired but not sleepy. In less than an hour i'll cook some mac and cheese or something. until then i dont know what i'll do.

another song

Time's rollin' forward
I'm gettin' bored
Layin' on my back
I'm loozin' track
Shifting patterns
And nothin' matters
'Cause there's no one here
And I've lost my fear
Well I've got no place left to hide
I'm running out of time
Moving slowly
The walls are closing
In on me
I can not see
Appearing fine, well
That's all a lie
'Cause I am not alright
Extinct inside
I'm runnin' out of time
My mother says I'm fine
A teenage suicide
No place to hide
Well I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
I'm runnin' out of time
No place to hide
Ya, I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
A teenage suicide

I Think I Lost Something (Finch)

I think I lost something you gave to me
But I don't remember what it was
There's an empty spot that could be filled
And I can't seem to fill it

If you tell me what I'm looking for
I'll look closer than I did before
And I'll try harder than I did before
To make the picture complete

Describe its shape and size to me
Was it something I carried around?
Was it like a book or radio?
Or was it alive and breathing?

I don't want to look like I'm foolish
But I don't want to care, either
I might be a little misguided
But I know something's gone

I wish that I could take away
This gnawing sense of loss
Boundless freedom can't erase
This trap I've drawn around me

I worry over nothing
And ignore what's really important
I know I'm a little excited
But that's just what I mean

ego (Darren Hayes)

I have been contemplating
Letting go of you ego
Thought I'd let you know
You're getting old

It was so irritating saving face
When I fell from grace
Thought you'd won a race
Without a trace

But you stayed
But you remained
But you..
It's always about you

I have been quietly edging away
To keep the flames at bay
Make this puppy stay
To limit my use of personal
Pro-nouns are the death of me
See I just said me
You're an endless see

The vanity is all for you babe
For you babe
For you..
It's always about you

I have been silently taking offense
And at great expense
As my feeling dent
I'm licking my scratches

It serves no purpose
Doesn't gratify
And you're dissatisfied
And though you're belly's full

There's always more room for you babe
For you babe
For you..
It's always about you

Friday, October 26, 2007

bumper to bumper

I bumped this guys car on the way home from the clinic.. Just barely bumped him. Not even a scratch on either car. He got out and was a total ass and said I gave him whiplash and hurt his back. he took down my info. then he got back in his car and got on the phone. i cried all the way home. called mom and cried a bunch more. talked to sandye and jerry. cried. cut. cried a bit more. calmed down. had redbaron pizzas for dinner. now i'm doing a list and have music blasting and singing at the top of my lungs to drown out the noise of my head.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


I keep dry heaving tonight. it's miserable. my stomach hurts. i have a headache. my back hurts. the ibeprofen doesn't help. i feel like shit. i got all my school work thats due this week done tho and a couple little thingss that need to be done by later in the semester for psychology of religion. i wish i had some lortab and some phenegren.

who reads this?

I wonder sometimes who actually reads my little blog here? I know Marcie, Dawggy, and sometimes Harmony reads it. I know at least one other person has read it. If you read this will you please leave a comment or let me know somehow that you're reading my life story? Thanks.



Saturday, October 13, 2007

bored in class

amI'm sitting in cataloging class. she forgot to pu:t the notes on blackboard so i dont have notes to look at and i can't read the powerpoint presentation on the screen from here. it's a blur. i'm freezing. my hands hurt. i'm tired. i have a headache. i'm anxious. i'm depressed. i want to go home. its 9:17am right now. the lecture ends about ten am then we have lab which looks like a pain in the butt today. after class today i gotta go to moms to get some milk, cheese, eggs, and maybe juice. next week after lab i have to stay and do the OCLC project with shirley which is worth like 50 points. yuck. who kknows what time i'll get home that day. well i guess i'll go back to pretending i can see the screen again...

Friday, October 12, 2007


i started clozaril today. 12.5 mg twice a day. it knocked me out. i have a headache and a tummy ache. i had my last tv dinner tonight. i need to go to the grocery store within the next few days. i paid my traffic ticket today and found an online traffic school that cost $19. it's a comedy one. it was on the list the court gave me. i'm following a list and talking to marcie. its gonna be really hard to go to school tomorrw cuz i gotta get up at 630am.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

stayed in bed til 6pm which point i fell in the floor. I feel like shit. runny nose, aches and pains including headache.

i had ramen for dinner. i'm following a list. Dawggy is helping me again. Poor harmony and him have the flu. sanny has it BAD. I didnt get to talk to her today. dawggy has a eye doc appt tomorrow. it's about time. he needs them.

tomorrow i gotta go to the clinic. i start clozaril tomorrow night. i'm dreading that. i gotta get up at 6:30am the following morning for class. i have a feeling thats gonna be extra hard.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

the vampire got it on the first stick

I don't know the proper name for people who take blood but the woman who took my blood today for a CBC got me on the first stick and got the blood quickly. I went to clubhouse and got meds for today and tomorrow. I have to go back friday to get the rest of the meds and start Clozaril. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading getting up in the morning. I'm dreading driving to the clinic. I'm dreading doing whatever stupid stuff they do on fridays. I really dread starting Clozaril. And then the next morning I have to get up and leave here at like 7:15am to get to class early enough not to get a computer. I need to do the dishes. I need to finish the chapter of Psychology & Religion: 8 points of view. I do not like that book at all. I've got to finish my cataloging assignment. I hate that class. I hate the assignment. I gotta finish taking notes from the taped psychology lecture.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

eating popcorn

I'm sitting here doing a list and eating garlic popcorn. I went to livingwell group today. Several new people. Stephanie from high school is in the group now. I told her me her and Marcie should get together some time.

I had lasagna mozzerella for dinner. oatmeal after that. and now pocorn. thats everything i ate today.

i've got a lot of school work still to do by saturday/monday. its so hard to concentrate. i have to go to the clinic tomorrow for bloodwork, meds, and clubhouse. friday i am supposed to start clozaril.

Monday, October 8, 2007

I think I may have CDO...

It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical
order like it should be.

But anyways, I'm urgy. I want to bleed. I'm almost done with one of the chapters I have to read for psychology of religion. (Stand like mountain, flow like water). The other two books still have quite a bit left of the chapters to read and one of the books is boring and over my head so it's hard to read.

I'm considering giving my new therapist the url for my blog when I see her in the morning or at least eventually. I gave it to Dr. Dimeo but I don't know if he ever looked at it. I don't care either way. I'll prolly give it to Natalie eventually. I think it'll help me communicate with them cuz I communicate much better through text than I do verbally.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

slept til 5pm

I went to bed at like 4 or 5am and didnt wake up til 5pm and would have slept longer than that if Harmony and Dawggy hadn't of insisted I "get yo azz outta bed". For dinner i had a weight watcher brand chicken parmasagn tv dinner. for dessert i had "suicide popcorn" which is popcorn dipped in melted butter (like almost 1/2 a cup of butter before I melted it. maybe a little less). it was a lot of butter with some garlic in it. We called it suicide popcorn cuz all that butter will clog your arteries and give you a heart attack. I've been following a list. I have a headache. Poor Harmony is physically sick and depressed. I talked to her on the phone while Dawggy went and bought her some meds and she cried pretty much the whole time. I hate when she don't feel well. She's like my sister.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

took a test today

This mornings class was shorter than usual. There was no lecture. We had a test then a short lab. I'm not sure how I did on the test. I hope I'm a good guesser. I'm pretty sure I got most of the vocab part right but its the darn MARC codes that get me. Most of the test was on MARC and remembering the exact way to do ISBD. I'm not very good at that either.

I came home talked to harmony a bit then fell asleep and slept til about 5:30pm. talked to harmony and dawggy. ate shells and cheese for dinner. now doing a list with dawggy's help. (thank you dawggy)

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

everything and everywhere

everyting i say upsets her and now i'm not even allowed to talk to her without his permission. i've been crying and cutting a lot. she even called to tell me goodbye. she said when we'd talk on the phone while she was in the hospital i wouldnt even talk to her. i tried but everytime i did she had to hang up for some reason or another. i want to die. i want to cut deeper. i want to take every pill i can find. i got blood everywhere. my clothes my sheets even my pillowcase. i want to cut more. i want to watch the blood drip down my leg. i cut and i cut but it wouldnt drip so i just want to cut more. i still cant stop crying.

can't make sense

i want to cut so bad. i have so much reading and studying to do for school but i can't get any of tthe material to make any sense in my head so there is no point in trying to read the textbooks and handout right now because i just read the same part over and over and have no idea what i just read. if i could just get the control back...

cutting sometimes helps that

or maybe i'll just get back in bed

or cut and go to bed

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Harmony's home!

She got home this evening. I talked with her online for a little while along with Dawggy and someone who works for the hospital. I'm so glad she's home and feeling so much better.

I feel exhausted. I'm trying to follow my list but I am just so tired. I slept til like 3pm and passed out last night at I dont know what time but it was early. I keep getting back in bed. I just want to lay there and do nothing but I have so much school work to get done. I can't focus.

Monday, October 1, 2007


I picked at a cut on my breast and got a big spot of blood on my pajama shirt. I'll try to bleach it out along with the my nice shirt. I washed the spot with hand sanitizer which grandma read keeps stains from setting in. I hate myself. I'm stupid and I want to die.


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