Wednesday, January 2, 2008

still pretending in 2008

I still hate myself just as much as ever. I still want the world to end/my life to end. I am still pretending to be fine though. I hate it. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone.

Today I was supposed to go to IOP and get my meds and talk to Ricardo about my rent. Instead I slept until 6:30pm. I just could not get myself to wake up enough to get out of bed. I'm such an idiot. So now, once again, I don't have medicine. But, honestly, I don't really care. It doesn't do shit for me anyways. I take the stupid stuff everyday and have been for a long time now and I still always feel like shit. I don't know why I bother to take it. I don't know why I bother to go to the clinic at all. I sit through the stupid groups, just waiting for the group to be over. I go to therapy, but I can't talk to my therapist. I'm too scared most of the time. The inside people don't want me to talk to her. And most of the time I just don't even know WHAT to say. I just can't get sentences to form. It's so much easier online, when I talk through my fingers, not through my mouth. But, even here, it takes me a long time to get anything down. I spend a lot of time just sitting here staring at the screen trying to get my fingers to move.

Tomorrow mom says I'm taking Kylee and Dillon to Disneyland. Kylee will be off with Tricia all day. So it will be me and Dillon. That is if we go. Grandma don't want us to go. There is a chance it will rain tomorrow night. Usually whatever grandma wants, grandma gets. So we will probably stay home. I don't really care either way. I just don't have the energy. I'm dreading if we do go, but I don't want Dillon to be disappointed if we don't go. Kylee was just there on the 28th of December for her and Tricia's one year anniversary. We ususally go every other week or so. We haven't gone since right after thanksgiving (or was it right before thanksgiving? my memory sucks). I kinda want to go but I don't really want to go. I'm usually really anxious there, more than at home or the clinic or the store, but it's also always fun there. Sigh. I don't even know what I want. If we do go mom said she wants us to come home about 6pm.



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