Thursday, February 28, 2008

The pain-body is getting what it wants

I'm going to bitch and complain now:

My car broke down. My mom is being really great and helping me alot. She got my car towed. She paid for that. She got it to the mechanic who is going to look at it today. Last time my car was there they told me to get a different car as soon as possible because there was/is something seriously wrong with my engine and it would cost so much to fix I'd be much better off if I traded it in. My mom and me agreed and wanted to trade it in while we could but grandma has the last word on everything and wouldn't let us. Now I'm screwed. I have absolutely NO money right now. Once my car payment goes through I'll have about $10 in my checking. I'll get paid on the first. Thats just a couple days from now. I need groceries. I have soup and ramen and chicken nuggeets. nothing else. After I get food, and pay all my bills I have just enough to pay for gas. I guess now I don't have to worry about that at least for a while. but i NEED a car. i need to get to school. i need to get to the clinic. i need to get to the store. i need to get to dr appts. i can't depend on my mom to drop everything everytime i have somewehre to go. she's got too much to do already. I dont know how I'm gonna manage to get another car. they'll be a down payment. the payments will probably be higher. i can barely afford the $140 i've been paying.

I'm always in pain. I just cant stand it anymore. I am so thankful for the days when grandma gives me a lortab or two. Thats the only time I get any relief at all from the physical pain. all my neuro gave me was 1/2 an ativan twice a day. It dont' do shit for the pain. I have been taking one when i get really anxious and it helps the anxiety some. i know no doctor will give me lortab or any other narcotic. they think i'll become addicted and/or abuse it. I wont. I only take it when the pain gets to intollerable levels when even hiding doesnt help. I need relief. I can't take it anymore. The only thing that's ever really helped is the hydrocodone drugs. This means mostlikely I'll spend the rest of my life in more and more pain until it either kills me or I kill myself because it's the only way that the pain will ever stop.

I never get to do anythingor go anywhere or buy anything. Everything costs money and most months I'm lucky to have enough for gas. my friends dont even bother to talk to me anymore becuase they know i cant do anything and they cant afford to pay for me and i dont expect them to. they're too busy with their own lives anyway and i'm a total downer. they ask how have you been and i actually start telling them. i can't help it. i've got a big mouth and dont know how to keep enough to myself. the only ones that keep in contact with me is people i talk to online, including marcie. and my mom. i love talking to my friends online and the couple that i talk to on the phone too. it really makes my day when i get to talk to harmony and dawggy on the phone. i dont know how i ever made it through life before them. i've only known them for 4 years, never even met them in person, prolly never will, but it feels like they've always been there and been helping me and making things ok. my mom makes things ok sometimes and grandma sometimes to. and marcie but we dont get to talk much.

My pdoc makes me feel like he thinks I'm lying to him. I tell him what i feel like and he says you say you feeel depressed and anxious and such but ACTUALLY you are doing very good because you do not appear groggy. WTF does that have to do wiht the fears and the depression and the noise and the smells and the bad man etc? I was just starting to be able to talk to my therapist and now she's found another job someplace else. the same thing happened with my last therapist. and my case manager that was great. I actually like dr bellman a lot and it sucks that she's leaving. Now they'll stick me with yet another therapist that i'll have to get used to and by the time I do they'll leave too. no one sticks around there. and the few who dont go away arent helpfull. like dr policar and dr jay. ricardo tries to be helpful at least but i'm sure it wont be long before he starts looking for another job too. all the decent ones leave.

i never accomplish anything. my whole apartment is a big mess. theres dishes in the sink stuff piled up on the counter. stuff on the floor. my trash can smells even without trash in it. i have no idea how to clean it. i dont know how to do just about anything. i'm always breaking stuff like my keyboard and my car and ice tray and lots of other thinggs. i cant get myself to exercise. i cant go walking alone even with my headphones on. grandma would get so mad if i did anyways. i cant stand it when people are mad at me. i always worry i'm going to make someone mad because it happens so often. i'm lazy. i sleep all day and sit on my ass all night in front of the tv and the computer. and i cry every day and night. i try really hard and usually succeed in not letting anyone see it. at night when i try to accomplish stuff is when it hits me the worst, when I realize how little i actually do and how it'll never change. i hope to finish this stupid intro class this semester so I can get the stupid library tech certificate. i dont know what to do then. i cant work in a library. i would have to work during the day. i would have to be somewhere everyday. i would have to function every day. i don't function every day. the headches. the backpain. the inside people. the bad man. the noise. the tears. the responsibilities. the contact with other people. my teeth. my tendency to be too honest. the fear. the worry. the dizziness. the clumsyness. the confusion.
its not that i dont want to work. i feel guilty every month when i get money other people earned then had to give to the government to give to people like me but mostly unlike me. a lot of the people that get the ss money are physically unable to work. i can walk i can talk. i can do somemstuff even tho i cant do it very well. if you look at me you would say she's fat and ugly but able bodied and must be a lazyass taking advantage of the hard working tax payers. they'd be right. i should be working. i shouldnt need thhe government and other people pay for me to live. the government pays the bills and the food and the gas. my mom and grandma pay for school stuff, my car problems, and when i spend money on stuff i shouldnt have bought like christmaas presents and dont have enough left to pay the bills. i shouldnt be taking this money. i should just die so it'd save these people the money and trouble . I'd do the job for them but I can't hurt my mom and my best friends as bad as that would hurt them. they love me very much. I've never underestood what there is to love about me but they've found something. I've been crying for at least 3 hours now. i guess i'll laaay down and cry until i fall asleep.

I'm sorry. I've been working so hard to be positive. I really really have but i just can't find much to stay positive about. i just had to get the pain and fears and unhappiness into words. I will shut up and pretend everything is good. thats what lifes really about isnt it?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

getting close to bed time

Didn’t do much today. Slept until about three. Spent some time talking to Dawggy and Harmony. Talked to a couple other people in depchat and talked to zack. Did a little homework, did a little reading. Cleaned my bathtub. I took my last lortab today. I only take them when the pain gets unbearable. I am reading the book A new earth and its got me thinking. It feeds the ego to complain so I’m going to try harder to think of the positive and ignore the negative. It is not easy. That book really makes you think. It’s cool to be reading a book at the same time as a friend so we have some one to talk about the book with. The lortab has mostly worn off now and I’m starting to hurt again but its not as bad as before and I had quite a while without hurting bad. See…positive. Well its .almost 5 so I’m going to finish my sweeps and then sleep

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I miss "a"

Where have I been? What have I been doing? Who am I doing? Why am I doing? How am I doing? where really, just didn’t feel like blogging. I’ve been going to the clinic, making doctor appointments, chatting, and entering sweepstakes. I ain’t doing anyone (maybe I wouldn’t’ be so depressed if I were?) I have no idea why. I’m not doing too great, honestly.

This morning (it’s 5am atm) I haven’t even tried to lay back down yet because when I tried to lay down a couple hours ago I thought I was going to throw up or pass out right then and there. The room spun. So now I’m on the couch propped up by the cushions and a few pillows. I couldn’t sit completely up anymore because my back is killing me but I’m afraid to even try to lay down. Everything I’ve eaten for the last day or two has tasted wrong, mostly nasty. I can’t help but think someone in on the plan is poisoning my food. I don’t know what the plan is but they must have a plan. My stomach hurts.

The inside people have been particularly loud lately. I’ve also been hearing other things like an alarm clock or the rain and such. I have seen the bad man in my room. I try to avoid going in there now that I’m able to have my computer in the livingroom. I’ve even been sleeping in here on the couch instead of in my bed. He’ll get us there. I keep feeling the invisible bugs and nothing tastes right. I’ve been crying a lot and VERY anxious lately. My leg is always bouncing fast and I get so scared so easily of little things. I’ve been told it’s just paranoia or delusions about the photographers and the meetings with the plan. I don’t know. I want to cut now, I want to cut all the time.

I’ve been hurting worse than usual lately. Worse headaches more often/longer lasting. My back has been bothering me more too. My hands and feet hurt from the Raynauds. I don’t know why my shoulders, arms, and legs hurt. My stomach and chest hurt sometimes too. My chest especially hurts when I’m very scared.

I am really sick of being broke all the time. I cant go anywhere or buy anything. I try to eat ramen and soup often because it’s cheaper and I don’t have to buy groceries so often. I need to get my teeth fixed but I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it because medical won’t cover a bridge and even with payment plan I don’t know how’d I do it. Some months I over draw my account as it is just by doing something like buying a birthday gift or spending too much on groceries. I hate it. And I know I’ll be poor for the rest of my life. I’ve never been rich. My mom always struggled for money but she’s always made sure we have everything we need and most of what we want. I’m just a spoiled little brat that’s just not being catered to anymore. I need to get a job but there’s just no way I could work a day job. My body’s just wired wrong. I don’t know any night jobs I can do. I can’t really do a lot because my back has gotten so bad and I’m just not responsible or good at anything. I’m a clumsy idiot. I just never get anything right. I’m always screwing up. The other night I broke the “A” key on my keyboard so now I have to type really slow because when I type normal I almost aalways miss hitting the hole just right. I have to hit it in the center now. The missing key throws my whole hands off.

Two of my best friends are sick and I can’t do anyting about it but I make it worse by complaining about all my stupid problems. No one needs to know I’m crying or scared or depressed or hurting. I need to learn to just shut up and listen.

It's after 6am and I have 2 appointments tomorrow/todaay (wednesday). Neuro at 3 and pdoc right after that. So now I'll shut up and stop complaining and cry my dumbass to sleep. I'm sorry...

Sunday, February 17, 2008

just a vent

I get bad headaches all the time. I see a neurologist for it. (He's not really all that helpful). I also see him for my back (slipped disc). Both have been really bad lately. I also have Raynaud's and that's been acting up a lot due to weather. Last couple days EVERYTHING hurts all the time. Even after taking Lortab. I've got a bit of a cough. I think I've been running a fever but I don't have a thermometer. I am freezing one moment, burning up the next. No happy medium. Mostly freezing. My chest hurts. I jsut feel icky.

The semester strts this thursdy for me. I had to borrow money for my text books which was about $100 for just 2 classes. One of the books was used. Book prices are just ridiculous. I have $50 coming from blingo but who knows when I get that. I'll have to pay back the textbook money with it and then pay the rest later. THeres a couple things I need for school like some new pens and pencils and something to put my pens and stuff in cuz the spacesaver box I used last semester got smashed. So have evvery other pencil holder of some kind. I had to buy ink. Both b&w and color. Fortunatly I spent less on groceries than usual cuz the store was so picked over. (Lots of ramen this month). I just hope I don't over draw my account again. It's happened a few times during the past year since I've had my own apartment.

My psychiatrist is an ass and a moron. I've asked for another one but no one else at the clinic will take my case after my old one gave up on me. (I don't respond well to medications). He took me off the anxiety med. I'm really depressed. Really anxious. Having other "symptoms" too.

I have 2 teeth missing in the front and a third thats only half there. Medi-cal won't cover fixing it (they say it's cosmetic). I'm really self concious when I go out. But going outt is really rare. I go to doctor appointsments and to my moms. And about once a month I go grocery shopping. The only people I ever talk to besides my mom I talk to online. Once in a while I'll talk to Dawggy and his wife on the phone. I'll start going to school next week but I'm painfully shy and self consiouc about my teeth and such so I don't really initiate conversation or speak up in class. Just about everyone in the classes have taken the other library science classes with me but they all have their friends and do the assignments with each other but I don't have anybody. I've just got this semester and I'll get a library technician certificate but not the degree. I want the degree but I still have several general ed classes to take. I can't really work right now. I live on disability right now but hope to get a job in the future once my physical problems and mental problems are under control. (If that ever happens).

I just feel so lost and hopeless. I enter sweeps, I chat with a few people, I read these forums, I read, I watch tv, and I eat, and I sleep. Thats bout it. It's hard to get exercise because it just hurts so much to move. I'm laying on the couch right now. I often sit on the couch with lots of pillows. Until recently I was stuck at a desk because wireless was not working.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

It's wednesday night and I am home and watching tv but it's not really been a relaxing day. Not stressfull but not relaxing. My alarm went off at 7am because the Housing Authority inspector was scheduled to come between 7:30am and 4:30pm. I set my alarm clock to go off every ten minutes and my computer to make noises every half hour. I layed back down on the couch after I brushed my teeth and stuff and got dressed and did some last minute tidying up. I didn't actually get into a good sleep after that. I don't remember what time the inspector came. I think about 10:30 or 11am. Once he left I layed back down on the couch and slept a while. Then I got up and called Marcie to tell her that I would meet her at my moms house at 5pm. I then got in bed and slept until my alarm went off at umm about 3:15. My alarm clock in the bedroom is an hour and fifteen minutes fast so that when I have to get up in the morning and I'm half asleep I don't remember that it is fast and get up because I think I'm going to be late. Shortly after my alarm went off I was still laying in bed waiting for it to go off again when Harmony called. I then got up and talked to her and took my meds. After that I didn't do much for a while then got on OLS and started entering some of the single entry sweeps.

At 4pm I went and got my mail. I got some junk but I did get a wonderful homemade Valentines card from a good friend, Tara, from #depressionchat. After that I went to my moms house. Just before 5 marcie called my cellphone and said they'd be over in a little while. We finally exchanged Christmas presents. I got the game of Life twists and turns, a huge bottle of germ-x, a stapler, a happy bunny box calander, honey, the new rascal flatts cd, and hair detangiler. I also got 2 kinds of green tea. Blueberry and Raspberry. I've had the blueberry kind before and loved it. I tried the raspberry tonight and it's really good.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Today was a bad day

The day started out okay. Dawggy called around 11am and woke me up because I had asked him to. I got up without too much trouble. I ate a blueberry bagel with a little bit of cream cheese around 11:30am or noon or so. I entered some sweeps. I talked to Dawggy and another friend online but I don't remeber who it was. I think it was someone in #depressionchat but I'm not even sure of that. At about one I went and brushed my teeth and such and then came back in my room and got dressed. My back and head were hurting but it wasn't that bad. As the day went on both got worse. I made it to group in time. We talked about the feelings behind anger. I participated more than usual. But I had brought one of thoses one liter bottles of the carbonated flavored waters from costco. During group I tried to open it. It had not been dropped or shaken but the stupid thing exploded anyways, interupting group and getting my pants wet. I was/am so mad at myself. I should have opened the bottle slower. I'm such an idiot.

After group I had to see my psychiatrist, who scares me and makes me feel very small in a sense but really fat in another. I always dread seeing him and I can't wait to get out of his office when I'm there. I find that doctor rude and mean. I don't understand why people say he's such a good doctor. I feel stupid, fat, crazy, and like I'm wasting his precious time. He always makes me feel this way. My stomach was growling in his office really loud so I told him I was hungry. He told me it was making noise because I eat too much and that for someone my size I did not need to eat anything else. I told him all I had eaten today was a bagel that morning. I saw him at like 4:30pm. He told me that bagels are filling and I should not be hungry. I hate seeing him. I usually cry all the way home. I want to cut so bad tonight. I've been trying very hard to keep busy and not cut but Idon't know how much longer I can deal.

After seeing Dr. Jay I saw the med nurse and got a weeks worth of medicine. I asked him to change the welbutrin because he had me taking two pills in the morning with the invega and then another pill in the afternoon and then I also have night meds. I can't remeber to take a pill in the middle of the day. He said I could take it at night. He increased the invega from 6mg to 9mg. I've been on 9 before. Antipsychotics are pretty much useless for me. It don't kill them. I don't think any pill can. The way the bubble packs are this week due to the med change I felt confused when I took my night meds tonight. I think I took them right tho.

On the way home I had a panic attack in the car. I wanted out of the car so bad. I needed to get away from all those other cars. I was shaking and crying when I got home and it took me a long time to get over it. I wish the doctor would give me something for anxiety I can take when it gets bad. He took me off the buspar. I wish he'd give me ativan or something. I'm afraid to ask him though. It was hard enough asking for the afternoon pill changed to a different time. I am really shy I think. I can't talk to authority figures at all. Anyone that can put me in the hospital if I say the wrong thing makes me worried. I don't want to go to the hospital, it just makes everything worse. It's never helped me.

I am crying a lot lately. Most days it's several times. I don't even usually know why I'm crying. Any little thing can make me cry. I'm crying now. My nose is snotty from crying so much. My eyes hurt. My back is hurting really bad right now. I moved wrong again and it felt like someone took a big butcher in my back and twisted it. All I have is tylenol and it don't do shit. My heads been hurting all day too. And the noise of the clinic was getting to me bad. I had my ipod and was able to drown out most of the overlapping clutters of noise all around me. I know I must have looked crazy because I kept feeling someone looking at me and being right behind me so I kept turning around to look. I felt so scared. I know it must have been those people who sneak around taking pictures. I've only told one or two people about them and they just tell me there is no one there but I know there is. I see the flashes from the cameras sometimes.

I was reading the book Stand like mountain, flow like water earlier and I felt really confused because there was a story in the book that I knew I had read already so I thought I was on the wrong page but none of the rest of the part I was reading looked familiar. I found the story online and that helped knowing where I'd read it, Tara had forwarded it to me.

I'll shut up now and try to stop crying and try to keep myself busy and not cut but I think I have to cut tonight. I'm sorry.

Saturday, February 2, 2008


Not much happening in my life right now. I go back to school on the 19th. My therapist keeps talking about me doing stuff outside the house. That's hard for me. I get so anxious when I'm around people I don't know unless I have a friend with me. Ricardo wants me to walk. My grandma don't want me to go outside at all. There have been several shootings in this area. I don't want to go walking anywys because I don't have anyone to walk moms on the phone....i'll say more later..


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