Blogging cuz harmony said to

Current Music: None, flipping channels on the tv

Current Mood: urgy and tearful

Interesting Node: Pierre-Paul Prud'hon

Interesting non-e2 url: Damn Addicting games

Picture:

Caption: It’s been a difficult week.

Quote: "Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and
you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 p.m."
--Ronald Reagan

Trivia: Giants baseball catcher Roger Bresnahan introduced shin
guards in 1907.

Joke: A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her
fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to
take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her
fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed
nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I
bite them instead."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: The MARC tag for main entry is 100.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got to class.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m blogging cuz Harmony told me too. Not doing very good. She’s really not either. Tried getting appointment at clinic. No luck. Lost paper I have to fill out and send to SSI. Room is a disaster area. Homework piles so high. Depressed. Almost suicidal, but not a danger to self.



Current music: none. Watching dateline or something.

Current mood: Bad thoughts

Last thoughts: Why do I bother?

Areas of my bedroom (to help me clean and such).

1. Door
2. floor in front of door
3. very top shelf
4. top book shelf
5. second book shelf
6. stereo shelf
7. second to bottom shelf
8. bottom shelf
9. floor in front of shelves
10. on top of TV /top of TV cabinet
11. TV cabinet shelf
12. TV cabinet cabinet
13. floor in front of TV cabinet
14. floor between TV cabinet and hamper
15. hamper
16. computer stuff box
17. corner area of floor
18. floor between computer box and dresser
19. floor between dresser and bed
20. top of dresser
21. drawer 1
22. drawer 2
23. drawer 3
24. drawer 4
25. drawer 5
26. drawer 6
27. drawer 7
28. drawer 8
29. drawer 9
30. floor between dresser and corner wall
31. top of headboard
32. upper shelf of headboard by dresser
33. lower shelf of headboard by dresser
34. middle of headboard
35. upper shelf of headboard by window
36. lower shelf of headboard by window
37. bed
38. under the bed
39. lamp table
40. floor under window
41. corner TV tray table
42. top of night stand
43. night stand drawer 1
44. night stand drawer 2
45. night stand drawer 3
46. Floor between bed and night stand
47. floor in front of closet
48. closet floor
49. closet
50. Fan and missed spots.


Drawers are done top to bottom then next column top to bottom and so on. List made clockwise through room (mostly) starting at door and ending next to the door. By seperating it into really small areas cleaning isn't so overwhelming.

Current Music: Prince - Soft And Wet

Current Mood: Tired

Interesting Node: Borderline Personality

Interesting non-e2 url: Spellcheck.net

Picture:

Caption: The twins first day home from the hospital, thirteen months ago.

Quote: At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back
over it from our deathbed and know somehow the world is a
better place because we lived, we loved, we were other-
centered, other-focused.
--Joe Erhmann, Football coach

Trivia: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near what city?

Joke: A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."
The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie. A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said. Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle." "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle. On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win." "OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round. As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: In MARC records the code for physical description is 300.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Rescheduled CT scan for next Tuesday.

Current Music: Train - Meet Virginia

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I don’t really have many words for now, I think. I’m frustrated with homework. I feel overwhelmed with school and with life. So many things just make me want to cry. I took a Lortab a while ago, because my back hurt so much it became hard to even breathe. I could not get comfortable laying down and I need to be doing homework but sitting upright was very difficult. The pill is helping the physical pain. I’m depressed though.


Current music: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing

Current mood:

Trivia answer: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near the city of Quebec.

Last thoughts: I don’t know if medication can even really help me. Perhaps the doctors who said I was “too sick” were right. Maybe there is no hope for me.

Time to use the template thingy! um yeah.

Current Music: Sugar Ray - Anyone

Current Mood: Hyper as heck. Bouncing.

Interesting Node: Asperger's syndrome (idea) This is just one write-up in the node, if you want to read the rest click on "(all of Asperger's syndrome, there are 7 more in this node)" or here

Interesting non-e2 url: Darren Hayes Music Video for "I Miss You"

Picture:

Caption: A girl named Kylie` who is a friend from #manicdepression made this for me today to cheer me up. She's cool. Kylie lives in Australia with her one year old daughter Ella.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:
How to register my own chatroom on mIRC, and how to make it auto-op me. I also learned (from Dawggy then looked it up for more information) that that thing I do and have seen Daniel as well as other children do where our arms wave and our body tenses up is a often a symptom of autism and asperger's syndrome called "Stimming".

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:
Not much. Been very depressed all day until a little bit ago when I suddenly got very hyper. But I have had a few minor accomplishments:

• Registered a room.
  
• Made it auto-join and auto-op me.
  
• Cleaned out clothes hamper, but can't do laundry til tommorow because grandma doesn't like me doing it at night.
  
• Gotten about two paragraphs written for a node
  
• Gotten thorugh about two paragraphs of public services notes.
  
• Helped my sister Kylee with an algebra problem...
  

  
  A² - B²
  __________
  V³
  
  When A=7, B=5, and V=5
  
  

• Made Kool-aid
  
• Made blog post template
  

Current Music: Def Leppard - Long, Long Way To Go

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I was supposed to go to the hospital for a CT scan at 7:30 of what is now yesterday morning. I didn't make it and when I woke up at 9am after nodding off while resting my burning eyes at about 5:30am and realized I'd screwed yet another major thing up it sent me even deeper into an already deep depression. I turned the computer off and pushed everything onto the floor that was still on the bed after rather carelessly placing the computer table on the floor. I just layed here all day, sleeping on and off, crying at times, catatonically staring at the walls, the ceiling fan, the shelves, Princess (the Angel doll that Harmony and Dawggy gave me), the floor, the door, or whatever else I could see. My head was full of thoughts that if revealed would likely get me evaluated for a 5150. The inside people were quite noisy. Eventually the stares from Princess' huge blue eyes made me think to call those that gave her to me. I saw the yellow spiral journal notebook that their phone number (and the phone card number) were in. All I had to do was reach down, it was on the floor just next to the bed. So was the phone. I tried calling once, but there was no answer. Later I tried again. They were just walking in the door. They had to bring the groceries in and asked if she could call me back. I apologized for calling, not sure what I really even called to say. She said she would call me back in a few minutes. That was enough to give me the motivation to get up out of bed and finally go to pee. I hadn't even done that since some time the previous night and it was now five or six in the evening. I then came back into my room and curled up in a ball again and cried. She called and I cried and cried but she managed not only to get me to calm down and stop crying but to actually get me to laugh some. Eventually a friend of theirs showed up and she hung up but we later talked on IRC and even Dawggy was on the computer today. He's been ill, mostly from med changes, and hasn't even been on the computer much at all recently.
I ended up cutting some which really helped me get out of the funk enough to at least sit up and try to do anything. Later Dawggy played a sort of a game with me to get me to do something, anything. It was a "you accomplish something, I will" type thing. It was really helpful. They both are very caring and very funny and love me very much and help me more than anyone.
I talked to Marcie and Harmony together on AIM. That was nice. I ate a cheese canneloni lean cuisine tv dinner.
Now everyone has gone to sleep, except me of course, and I'm pretty sure I'll be up for hours. I'm thinking of making some tea. I know I shouldn't have caffiene but whatever.


Current music: GroupX - Mario Twins

Current mood: Spazzy

Last thoughts: Um, Not really. I think I might add a few things to the template. Perhaps a Quote section and a Things to do section. Also, I might add some HTML to make each section title in bold or something. We'll see.

A template thingy!

I got like suddenly manic after being super super depressed and made a template I'll try to remember to use when I blog. Feel free to use it or whatever...

---

Current Music:

Current Mood:

Interesting Node:

Interesting non-e2 url:

Picture:

Caption:

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:




Current music:

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Darren Hayes - Where You Want To Be

Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Life's rearranging
Full of could've dones
Would've beens
It's all your fault
And where have you been
And how time goes
And now I dont even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love you erased in my life

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grew apart

While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?

Am I where I want to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
Am I where I want to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold

I'd settle for somebody to hold now

You know that I've been up and I've been down
I've been picked up and spun around
I'd do it all again
If I could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold me now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again

I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I have to get through this textbook chapter. I have to get A's in my two classes. I also have to do everything grandma and mom and everyone else want too. I can't please everyone. All I really want is someone to hold me and just let me cry onto their shoulder wheile they rub my achy back. I just want someone to hold me. I think I need someone to love me. I have Harmony and Dawggy to love me from a distance, but sometimes I just need someone to actually hold me in their arms.

Decision

We have decided to hide the "insanity" by acting only as "Jennelle" no matter who is in control we must answer only to Jennelle and act only as is expected of Jennelle, a 23 year old college student. When this is not possible we will go where no one can observe in any way until we are able once again to act or be Jennelle.
Depression, anxiety, any disturbance must be hidden. From now on we are "fine".
From this point on we are Jennelle and "I'm okay."

Been a while...stuff to do

I haven't blogged in some time now. Been feeling really icky. Both physically and mentally.

Stuff to do:

• Organize LT 101 papers. (Public Services)
  
• Organize LT 201 papers. (Cataloging)
  
• Cataloging book work.
  
• Cataloging lab work.
  
• Bag of Bones Writeup
  
• actor-observer effect
  
• Flexeril
  
• Dave Petzer book w/up
  
• Floor
  
• Bed
  
• Tommorow: Fax paper
  
• Tommorow: LT 101 class 7pm
  
• Tommorow or monday: Go to Charter Oak, with observation papers
  
• Contact medical doctor about tests
  
• Try calling case manager again
  
• Give away gmail invites
  
• Check yahoo accounts
  
• Leave feedback on ebay
  
• Vote on e2
  
• Go through e2 msgs
  
• Finish node audit on [face]
  
• Use other e2 votes
  
• Read statistics book
  
• Dresser
  
• Drawers
  

Okay now I gotta go actually try to do some of this stuff...

Long sucky day

Mom and grandma sure are experts are making me feel like shit.

I bought my textbooks today. I also tried to get into a regular doctor but they don't take Medi-Cal patients unless "they come here for long, long time now" as the lady who worked there and spoke little understandable English said. Frustrating.

My textbooks were three hundred and twenty something dollars but EOPS covered $300. It was a long pain in the butt trip to the school today. Lots of back and forth. Lots of lines. Lots of staff don'tknow what the hell their doing. Whatever.

Mom, Mando, Kylee, Dillon, and the twins had family photos done today. Mom made sure to call and tell me she's glad I wasn't included in them. Thanks mom. I've been unable to keep from crying since. They make a point NOT to include me as part of anything "family" then make a point to call and tell me they excluded me. I don't have a family. No one wants me.

Harmony and Dawggy call me their little sister but thats much easier to do from the other side of the country. If they had to deal with me f2f they'd not want me either.

I'm so sick of crying...

It's not one of the best nights. It's 5:23am. I finally just ate 2 tortillas and some cheese I zapped in the microwave. I haven't made any real progress on my room or accomplished anything else either. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm scared. I'm depressed. I'm lost. I can't help but think death would be easier.

bad bad bad bad bad

Grandma came in early crying and said she wanted to die. I didn't know what to do so I called mom. Mom came over and they spent hours going on and on how it's all my fault. I need so bad to cut and bleed. I'm trying not to. Harmony and Dawggy are helping me follow a list. I don't even want to live. I need away from my family and this house. I need a fresh start with no one telling me everyday how bad I am.

It's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't been following a list and I haven't been doing very well. The twins 1st birthday and party came and went now. Exhausting. Glad it's over. I'll try to get back to writing here on a regular basis again.

Manic but up and down

Current song:  Prince and the Revolution - Darling Nikki
Current Mood:  Zoooooooooooming

This sucks.  I haven't accomplished anything at all.  E2 is down AGAIN/STILL!  It's pissing me off.  My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I can't seem to focus on anything at all.  At one point today I was trying to do so many things at once and help several people with proofreading and such that I became very overwhelmed and had to get away from the computer completely.  fortunately I was home alone and I was able to ask Harmony to call me on the phone.  I knew if I walked away from the computer I would be alone and I was urging to SI bad. It's hard for me to ask for stuff like that.  I know they don't mind but it's hard for me to ask for anything.  I think it's because how asking for anything has always resulted when it comes to my biological family.  Damnit.

Current Mood:  Tearful
Current Music:  Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I can't seem to focus on ANYTHING.  Not for long.  I haven't accomplished anything in far too long.  I spent all day trying to be productive and trying real hard not to SI.  Those never-ending phone calls with mom and grandma make it so hard.  The belittle me.  I think they enjoy making me feel like shit.  I gave in tonight.  I was already in tears because my computer was being very strange and switching windows and I thought someone was hacking it or something.  Dawggy said turn on vnc and he'll look.  So I did and he was working on it when the phone rang yet again.  MOM.  Which of course almost always ends up being mom AND grandma both having a go at me.  So I stifled my sobs because me crying just gives them fuel.  I just couldn't take anymore though.  I was just too overwhelmed with them, the inside people, the mood swings, the computer freaking out on me, my lack of productivity, e2 not working, and just everything.  I silently found a tool and began slicing my skin.  I said to myselves no more than five small ones.  But they kept on worse.  Just 5 more.  Then 5 more.  And then 5 more.  I think there are 30 total.  All small.  Barely more than scratches. 
I only bothered with bandaids because my pants are gray and the blood would be noticeable. 

Current Music:  matchbox20 - Mercy, Mercy Me (live)
Current Mood:  disgusted with self

I am not sure what to do now.  I feel so lost.  So drained, yet racing.  How do I face the future.  How do I face next year, next month, next week, tommorrow, the rest of the night, the rest of this hour, the rest of this song, the rest of this very minute?  I don't know.  I must carry on dancing though.   


Mood:  Unsure
Fades away to the tune of John Mayer - Why Georgia (Live with "I'm Portable" intro)

WHY is it bad?????

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

"Cutting is bad"   "Don't cut yourself!" 

EXPLAIN!
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

You tell me it's bad.  You say it's unhealthy.  That's the closest to an expliantion I've ever gotten.  Not good enough.  WHY is it bad?  I just don't understand. 
Maybe if I really understood why it's so "Bad" it'd be easier not to do it.  IT HELPS!  WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?!  It relieves the pressure that builds up inside.  It makes it easier to be in control.  It slows us down when nothing else does.  It makes us alive when we're just barely existing so WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is it BAD?! 

PLEASE MAKE ME UNDERSTAND!

Just how antisocial are you?

A Loser Psycho Umm...get away, ew! How antisocial are you?

And then she cried...

I spent most of the day in fitful bouts of sleep. When I was awake I was hot and in a terrible mood. I finally logged back on tonight, and found an email from Harmony. They had gotten on a computer at the hotel but I was too busy having a tantrum so I wasn't logged on. I had a message from Dawggy on e2 as well as an ICQ page. I wasn't going to call them at the hotel but all three messages said they would be up late and it was okay to call so I did. I didn't let them know how upset I really was, I think I hid it well. They both talked to me and when she realized I hadn't eaten she told me to go make something and she'd stay on the phone while I fixed it and ate it so that I didn't have to think about eating it. I told her I'd just eat tommorow but she said to eat now that she could stay up and talk to me that much longer. So I made bagel pizza bites. I ate them. The conversation was a nice one, as it always is with them. I got to talk to both of them. They said they'll be home tommorow evening around six pm or so I think that's six pm there time which is four pm my time. I'll be glad when they are. They seem to be having a fun trip and I've very glad. They're both obsessed with e2 now which makes me laugh. Every bit of information they come across is "That could be a write up!" I'm like that too. Speaking of writeups...I'm determined to get one done by the time they get back tommorow. I have 264 now and that bugs me. Have to have 5's and 0's. So one more must be completed ASAP. Harmony has the goal of reaching level 2 by her birthday. This means writing two a day but I know she can do anything she puts her mind too.
I'm working on several writeups and am not sure which one I'm going to really get focused on and finish tonight. Maybe I can do six instead of just one since I slept like all day I prolly won't need another nap til it gets super hot again. I've been having a really hard time focusing and remembering what I am doing. I have dozens of things I want to do but no focus and no patience. I took ibeprofin while on the phone with Harmony. While I was eating. Which was not long before writing this.

Current Music: Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)
Current Mood: Lonely

HOT

Sugar Ray - 10 Seconds Down
Uno

Prince - 1999
Gmail

Goo Goo Dolls - 22 Seconds
E2 search

Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)
Spondylosis

John Mayer - 3x5
Floor

Tori Amos - A Case Of You
Spent several songs in the other room. Put my empty glass of Minute Maid fruit punch into the refriderator and tried to help grandma keep the dog in the sink long enough to give him a cool bath. When I woke up this afternoon after several hours of fitful sleep I was drenched in sweat and all I had been wearing was a little nighty that is so old and worn out that it is practically transparent and a pair of panties. I had had both the ceiling fan and the window fan on high the entire time. As soon as I was awake I turned the computer on and went and got some cold fruit punch while my computer booted up. Then I took my pants off and started writing. I have 264 write-ups. By the time Harmony and Dawggy return tommorow afternoon I want to have 265.

The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night
Uno

Dixie Chicks - A TRIBUTE TO HEROES
It's 6:55pm. I have 1C! and 39 votes left today. I am working on several write-ups. I feel lonely, but have not turned on any instant messangers or irc. I simply get too annoyed with people. I am trying to stay focused on writing, with a little bit of straightening my room thrown in. I am trying to ignore the sweat and the oven like temperatures.

Nirvana - About a Girl
Uno

Sugar Ray - Abracadabra
E2 vote

The Union Underground - Across The Nation (RAW)
Gmail

Blink 182 - Adam`s Song
Uno

Simple Plan - Addicted
I'm going to post this to blog now and then continue to attempt to focus on writing and ignoring the heat.

I'm feeling scared and depressed and alone. Zack is online and I tried talking to him but he's just making me feel worse. He's not purposely doing this, he just doesn't know what to say so he laughs. "that happens when your insane" This doesn't help me feel any better.

~Trigger For Ideation~

9. Jay Leno Book
Soul Asylum - Runaway Train

10. Family
Martina Mcbride - How Far

11. Psych nodes
Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back (Almighty Club Class Radio Edit)

12. Shelves
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider

13 Gmail
Nickelback - Someday

14. poetry book
Tori Amos - Yes, Anastasia

15. PS2
Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Want to Be

16. Theatre Nodes
Counting Crows - Round Here

17. Boxes
Metallica - Tuesday's Gone

18. DayPlanner Thingy
Dido - My Lover's Gone

19. Student Bible
Counting Crows - The Ghost in You

20. Magazines
Noemi - When Angels Kiss

21. /msgs
Red Hot Chilly Peppers - Give it away

1. E2 Vote/search
Goo Goo Dolls - Don't Fear the Reaper

2. Floor
Goo Goo Dolls - Jenny 867-5309 (Acoustic)

3. Music
Everclear - Santa Monica

4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
Everclear - Rock Star

5. Me

Peace is Coming

Peace Is Coming

 

Rest assured

that peace is at hand.

The time is coming

when all of your

self-built walls

and guarded halls

will wither to dust.

 

The free-flowing love

of your spirit within

soon will be released

to love

and, as it has been you

desire from birth,

to find a spirit

who will not chain you

or claim you

as a possession,

who will not crush

your inner being

as a flower is crushed

by an unfaithful hand.

 

Rest assured

that the time is coming

for you simply

to share,

to grow,

to learn,

to love.

 

-L. Dale Cox

using music

I am attempting to use music to keep me on track. Sticking to a number until the song is over then moving on. It helps.
Martina McBride - Independance Day
1. Everything2 vote/search
Goo Goo Dolls - Tucked Away
2. Floor
Jessica Simpson - Angels
3. music
John Anderson - Straight Tequila Night
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
Nickleback - Leader Of Men
5. Me
Jack Johnson - Who Knows
6. lyrical nodes
Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back (Almighty Transensual Mix)
7. bed
Tori Amos - Finn (Intro)
8. Blog

Uncertainty

Current Music:  Josh Kelley - Amazing (acoustic)
Current Mood:    ~unsure~
 
Today was one of those days...the days I don't remember.  The days I am not Jennelle.  Those days when I am never sure what is real and what is dreams.  I feel unsure of everything.  I feel anxious and confused.  I am trying to follow a list and having Dawggy and Harmony to talk to on irc helps a lot but I know they'll be going to bed soon.  It's 2:17am according to the corner of the screen.  That makes it 4:17am for them.  They will need to sleep soon.  I'll be alone.  I don't want to be alone but I don't want to talk to anyone else either.  Everything and everyone annoys me, but for some reason Harmony and Dawggy don't. 
 

Now I'm wet and tired. Standing so long and having my hands up to wash my hair takes a lot out of me, so does the anxiety. The sun is coming up.
 
6. E2 lyrical nodes
Break me shake me.
 
7. Bed
I willl try to get the small stack of old magazines that is on the bed into that cabinet under the tv.
 
8. Blog
We've gotten full circle again. Dawggy just woke up. He's not feeling well. I wish I could do something for him. He does so much for me every day. I sent him an e-card. But I wish I could actually do something to help.
 
9. Jay Leno Book
 
10. Family
I found Harmony a birthday card, I'm gonna sign it and get it ready to be mailed.
 
11. Psych nodes
Start on "Componential intelligence"
 
12. Shelves
 
13. Gmail
 
14. Poetry book
 

When You Need Some Helpto Get Through the Day...

 

When nothing is going right.

When you're wondering, "What did I do to deserve this?"

When the day is a disaster,

and a little serenity is just what you're after.

When you need a whole lot less to concern you,

and a whole lot more to smile about.

When a few peaceful hours would seem like a vacation to you,

and you're wondering if there's anything you've got to look forward to...

 

Sometimes you just have to remember:

 

It really is going to be okay.

You're going to make it through this day.

Even if it's one step at a time.

 

Sometimes you just have to be patient and brave and strong.

If you don't know how, just make it up as you go along.

And hold on to your hope as though it were a path to follow or a song you love to sing.

 

Because if you have hope, you have everything.

 

-Collin McCarty

 

15. PS2

16. Theatre Nodes

I don't think I can actually do a good writeup on Winch. I possibly could do "wig"

 

17. Boxes

18. Dayplanner thingy

19. Student bible

 

Now 20 should be an "other" so we'll say magazinesI'm gonna try to sleep a bit now. Getting more and more mixed up. Difficult to focus.

*Sigh*
I'm going to try to follow the list. I'm not really sure how I just spent the last couple hours.
14. Poetry book
I found a book that Ann gave me long ago. It's called Take Each Day ONE STEP AT A TIME: Poems to Inspire and Encourage the Jouney to Recovery. I have posted a couple of the poems into this blog recently. The lortab is wearing off. The pain is getting bad again. :'(
 
15. PS2
I have Simpson's Hit and Run game here right now that Dillon loaned me. I'll go try one "mission" once. I'm not very good at video games.
 
16. Theatre Nodes
Much like the Psych nodes, I use the index of my old theatre text books. I recently finished Wireless Microphone, now I gotta find a new one. WinchNow I have the hiccups that hurt again. grrrr.
 
17. Boxes.
I have a couple of boxes in here. At least one of which is just random crap that needs to be gone through. I'm gonna go see if I can find a place for at least one item from that box.
 
18. DayPlanner thingy
I installed a dayplanner program on my computer but I need to set it up and to add all the holidays, classes and such to it. That's the last thing that is on the list, so now I need to add "Read" which I already said would be Student Bible.
 
So now back to one.
1. E2 Vote/Search
I upvoted and C!'d [contact juggling] by parkan. I am now going to read the third writeup they have. Then I'll have read all that this person has posted so far. I wish I could stop hiccuping!
 
2. Floor
My purse dumped so I'll put that back together and pile my books a bit better for now. Damn hiccups
 
3. MusicLet's see if I can get all the times and sizes in for all the songs that start with B.
 
4. The Iluminatus Trilogy.
 
5. Me
I need to go get my shower done. I'm going to hit send now so in case my computer goes stupid while I'm away this will have been posted.

Now on with the list.....
9. Jay Leno Book
A while back, several months ago, I found "Leading with My Chin" which is Jay Leno's autobiography sitting on the discard shelf at my local library. I snatched it up so fast. He's a very funny man. It sat in my car for months until grandma came across it and brought it in. I recently started reading it, and am enjoying it. I have been taking notes on the book, and when I finish the book I will probably turn these notes into a node about Jay Leno. I've just barely got to the second chapter, because I read only a little at a time, just enough to get one or two things to add to my notes. So it will be quite some time before I finish this book.
 
10. Family
*Sigh*
This was put on the list in order to get things like making the invite for my sibling's first birthday part finished and such, though my mom decided after asking me to design it to do it herself. I have come to think of Harmony, Dawggy, and even their son as family now too though. They are not biologically related to me in anyway, are not even related by mariage, but Dawggy is my very protective big brother, and Harmony my big sister. They love me very much and have made me as much a part of their lives as possible for someone who is so far away. Harmony's birthday is coming up soon. I bought her a keyboard on ebay and hope to hear her play it for me over the phone soon. I have yet to send her a birthday card though, I need to go look and see if I still have one that I think I have....if not I need to write myself a note and go get her one, or make her one...but my printer is not working correctly.
 
11. Psych nodes
I finished contact comfort recently. I have yet to find another one to do. I have been going through the index of last semester's Psychology book and when I find something interesting I search e2 to see what's already written on the topic. If I have information that isn't on there I use my two psychology textbooks and often do a google search or use the resources that the college subscribes to. Currently I am going through the index, in between talking chatting. My chest hurts. I am not in a very good mood and would honestly rather him just go away for right now, but he is a friend and he seems to need someone to talk to right now. I really think I took two Lortab's instead of just one cuz I'm reaaally feeling it. hehehe. What was I saying oh damn he just typed a whole paragraph....Oh yeah...it's funny when I search terms on e2 to see if it would be a good thing to write and as I read what's there I realize not only have I seen it before but I was the one who wrote the writeup! lol.I'm working so hard to be in a decent mood, to not let the inside people get to me, to not let the world get to me. Everything is getting on my nerves right now....I think I have found a node to do. I cannot find anytthing on e2 about it. And there are two pages of it in this psych book. "Contextual intelligence". grrr the damn blinking of the mIRC window is annoying me...He isn't doing anything wrong, I'm just in one of those moods where everything annoys me, but I've got enough hydrocodone in my system that I'm not in much pain so I should be in a pretty good mood. And I had a long nap this afternoon so I shouldn't be sleepy. What was I doing?
 
*scrolls up again*
Okay...
12. ShelvesI have a book shelf, with 6 shelves including the very top. Most of it is just piled with random stuff I need to go through. They are a total mess with the lower two selves toppeling things to the floor becuase things are just thrown onto them. the very top shelf has a barbie car for some reason. Grandma put it there. There are a couple other things up there too. I went through one of the piles of books and found The Student Bible and put it on the floor so that next time I had a "read" item to the list I will put it on there. It has been a long time since I have read any of the bible. I have been following a reading plan that is outlined in this bible for a long time but havn'et been keeping up with it.Grrrr the blinking is pissing me off. I just don't feel like talking to anyone, but I can't bring myself to say leave me alone. *sigh* I'm just being a bitch, but I'm not letting him know it because he's a friend and I dont want to upset him.
*scrolls up yet again to see where I was*
 
13. Gmail
I get a lot of junk mail and surveys and stuff, so much so I now have another email account for them. grrrr why is that flashing bothering me so much?! I so want to just shut the damn thing off or let David win and tell him to STFU and then go cut. I keep thinking about what was said to Dawggy earlier. David. It makes me cry thinking about how mean David was to a person I love. NO ONE HURTS MY FAMILY! It hurts so much to know that I (in some sense of the word) was the one that hurt him. really hard to focus nowgrrrr and granamd ais up need to focus need to not cut to do it too