Tuesday, August 30, 2005

August 29

It’s 2:30am.  I just got out of the shower.  I ate French fries earlier.  I took my medicine at about 1:45am.  I’m bored but don’t want to go to sleep even though I know I have to get up in I started my period what could now be called last night but for me it still is last night.  

I saw my therapist this morning at 9am.  We talked a little about me dropping out of school and about my computer troubles.  We talked about my blog and I told her about the website <a herf=www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html>Secret Shame</a>.  She wrote both secret shame and the address of my blog down on a post-it and said she’d look them up.  She gave me a five page packet to work on this week.  I’ve already finished it.  It was a suicide prevention catalog.  

I’m still congested.  I’ve had to blow my nose several times today and it doesn’t get rid of all the snot.  

It’s almost 3 pm.  My stomach and back are hurting a little.  I started my period last night.  I feel very relaxed though, almost sleepy.  I’m listening to mp3s and following a list.  My list so far is:

  1. Floor/Desk

  2. [West Virginia]

  3. Blog

  4. the realm of possibility

  5. Pictures

  6. Dresser

  7. Link [West Virginia]

  8. Harmony journal

  9. Bible

  10. Magazines

It’s 6:35pm now.  I’ve talked to Harmony on the phone twice today.  She had to hang up the first time because she had to go potty and the second time because Dawggy’s friend’s were calling and he needed to call them back.  I feel lonely.  A little anxious.  I added a number 11 to the list: bed.  

My computer feels a little too warm.  I turned it off for a while earlier when it got hot.  Now I’ve propped it up on the corners of my stupid broken lap table and my weekly pill container.  

It’s 8:26pm and I’m watching 7th Heaven.  I haven’t eaten much today, just a couple mini caramel corn rice cakes.  I just don’t feel like eating.  I don’t really feel like doing much of anything.  I’m trying to follow my list but not getting a whole lot done.  I’m depressed, which makes being productive difficult, and not being productive just makes me more depressed.  *sigh*  Is this catch 22?  

I wish I didn’t want to die.

I used to be able to just write and write and write.  Just fill pages of my journals effortlessly.  Nowadays I struggle to get my fingers moving over the keyboard or moving the pen.  




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