Saturday, August 6, 2005

Not feeling good enough

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As I write this my leg is bleeding. It's just a couple really small cuts. It's not enough. I feel terribly anxious and miserably depressed. I want to end it all but I pinky promised Harmony I wouldn't try to kill myself. You can't break a pinky promise. I was in the mental hospital for 2 nights and 2 days. It just made things worse. I got out of taking my meds regularly. The doctor, Dr. Ali, is an asshole that makes me feel worse. Shit, I'm crying again. I'm far from Okay. I need to cut and cut and cut. I'm trying so hard not to SI though because it gets me in trouble with my grandma and mom. I just can't go on like this. Something has to be done. Talking to Grace, my case manager, doesn't really help. She called 911 on me which led to a frustrating trip to the ER where one of the nurses made fun of me then a couple days on the psych ward where the asshole doctor just made me feel even worse.

My grandma and mom blame it all on Harmony but it's NOT her fault. It's nobody's fault but my own. I don't do anything right. Harmony has kept me alive for over a year now. My family just don't understand that. I can't stop crying. I need to SI more. No one really understands what I'm going through, not even me. I don't know why I'm so anxious and so depressed. I'd been taking my medicine like the doctor prescribed it. Which is another thing the doctor in the hospital bawled me out for. My doctor at the clinic has me takeing Effexor twice a day and the doctor in the hospital told me that's wrong that I should only be taking it once a day because it's a long acting drug and acted like it was my fault I was taking it wrong. I hate Dr. Ali.

I don't know what to do now. Harmony's not home from the hospital and Dawggy's not home. Harmony's probably in group or she got out by now and they're at Dawggy's mom's house or something. I wish they'd get home because me alone isn't a good thing right now and I can't talk to grandma about this kind of stuff. Why can't I just die?! Please! Make it all end. I can't stand feeling like this anymore...



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