Monday, December 31, 2007

please hate me

I spent most of the day in bed, staring at the ceiling, stairing at the wall, staring at the clock, and at times staring at the inside of my eyelids. I got up at 9am. I was up a short while but I was cold and there was nothing to do so I got back in bed. I got up briefly a few other times but mostly I just laid there, listening. Listening to the music, listening to my computer, but mostly listening to the inside people. Most of which was not pleasant conversation.

John called around 2pm and invited me to his house tomorrow night for new years. That was because I had asked them to come over here for new years. They obviously didn't want to do that. He said he won't be drinking because he had such a nasty hangover on Christmas. I expected as much. He said he's not drinking until the first of the year if ever. He'll drink again. Possibly tomorrow night even. I may drink a little, I don't know. If they have jello shooters again I don't think I can NOT drink cuz I love those. They'll probably have peppermint martinee left over cuz they bought a big bucket of it and no one liked it but me. They all said it taste like cough syrup. I love peppermint. I probably won't get drunk if I do drink. It calms the inside people some when I do drink. If alcohol wasn't so damn expensive I'd drink all the time. Just not when I have to drive. I will never drink and drive. I make sure if I have to go somewhere where there is alcohol I either don't have any or make sure there is someone who will drive me there and home who is not drinking. That's usually Danielle.

I keep crying today. I'm so alone. There is no one who I can really talk to about the hard stuff. Dawggy just says "when you start talkin all bullshity bout your life sux etc i ignore you" "your one negative sumbitch" Sandye says "I can't handle it" . Nanny is always busy helping someone else and then goes back to bed. Like everyone else she don't have time for me. I know I can call marcie but she's got a life now and I don't want to interupt that. She seems happier now than I've ever known her. I don't want to dampin that. And thats it. When I get to my therapist the inside people don't let me talk to her. The keyboard is the only way I can express anything. If I ever lose my computer I don't know what I'd do. I know I'd cut a hell of a lot more.

I put on that mask I use to hide. the i'm ok mask. I try so hard not to talk about the bad stuff with anyone, to not even let on i'm hurting. when my friends call i'm "fine" then I hang up and cry. when I talk to my family on the phone i'm "fine" then I hang up and cry. sometimes i can't cry so i cry crimson tears instead. When I go to the clinic they ask me how I am. Whenever anyone anywhere asks me I usually say I'm ok. That don't mean shit. Sometimes I am "ok" at that moment, but not always. I am scared. I can't say anything to anyone because they'll take everything away from me. They'll put me in the hospital. Take away my music, take away my computer, take away my friends, take away even my shoelaces. I can't stand to be in the hospital and I'll do anything to get out as soon as possible. I'll lie. I'll pretend. I'll not cry. I'll hold it all in until they let me go home, then I'll hide and bleed it all out.

I hate that people care about me. I hate that people say they love me. Especially when the twins say they love me, and Daniel tells me he loves me several times every time he sees me. It makes me want to cry. I don't want anyone to love me. At least Dawggy don't say he loves me anymore. That's one down and several to go. How can I get everyone to hate me? How can I make everyone wish I was dead so that I can die without guilt? THat's what I pray for. I spend less and less time praying for God to take care of those I love and more and more time asking Him to make everyone hate me and want me dead. I pray for the Lord to please let my suffering end. Please let others pray for the end of my life. Please give me the courage to cut "too deep"



Anonymous said...

I've been where you are. Those who truly love you will always love you. They are the ones who will help you like they helped me. If it weren't for people that I loved I'd be underground now. There is something worse than hate, it's indifference. Hate still has a passion, an emotion. Indifference is a complete lack of caring, that's worse, so as long as people hate you they still care. Sounds stupid I know. I live 2000 miles away from you and I'm worried that one day I'm not going to see this blog on here. I know that you can't just flip a switch and feel better. I went through the same thing for 12 years and finally got out of it. It may not take you as long, it may take longer but please, please don't give up.


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