Saturday, July 7, 2007

Welcome to my Californian home

I need to find,
some kind of peace of mind.

I'm alone. I'm not completely independent though. I depend on my mom and grandma for a lot of things. I worry all the time about everything. I feel so lost.

You don’t have to call me you can leave when you want

I don't expect my friends to stick around. I don't deserve for any of them to stick around. I'm a downer, a crazy. Not worthy of love.

And we were dying from the get go

I've always felt as if I'm dying inside. I play the game, I face the day but inside I feel it's all so futile. That no matter what I do I'm slipping away.

I was dreaming but you never believed
I was trying to fit myself in the spaces between, ohhh
And you were kind and sometimes cruel
You said all the world’s love couldn’t satisfy you
And nothing could have hurt me as much as the truth

No one's ever believed I can do anything good enough. I can't do anything good enough. I try to fit in, I try to be like everyone else. I try so hard to be just one of the gals. I work so hard at appearing human. I feel so alone. It hurts that people love me because I don't deserve it. It hurts when people compliment me. It isso hard to hear anything nice said about Jennelle, about bleu`. Nothing can make me happy. The truth hurts. I always feel guilty for feeling good andslip right back into the ever deepening hole.

Love is elusive when you search for it
Don’t I know
Happiness sometimes it just creeps in
Don’t I know
I’m going crazy
I’ve been wondering
Do you still feel alone?

I will never find true love. I'll never fall in love with someone who has fallen in love with me. Once in a while I feel good, briefly. Like last night, for instance, when I discovered the new Darren Hayes song. It don't last tho. When thefeelingpasses I slip deeper into the badness. The guilt, the emptiness, the hopelessness. I feel like I"m losing my mind. I can't think straight more often than not. Am I the only one that feels this alone?

Even though I’m no good for you
There’s a part of me still waiting for you

I know it would be good for no one if I were in a romantic relationship. I know I'd wear the other person out. I know I'd suck them dry of all their love. I would ask too much of them. I expect too much out of the people that show me any caring. I take too much and have so little of myself to give. There is so little of myself at all left. I still sometimes wish for a lover. I still sometimes wish for someone who loves me in every way. I know this is bad.

Welcome to my happy ending
Even though it’s fun contending
I know
I know you can’t look back, you can never go back

I've got my own apartment. I've got an income. I'm going to school (though I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it). I've got a family that loves me. I've got friends that care deeply for me. I have semi-independence. Sometimes I miss high school though. Sometime I miss being a kid but I know that's over and there's no way back. That life is gone and long dead. :'( I miss that life.

Deep inside there’s a piece of me, there’s a piece of me
Still waiting for you to come home

Part of me still waits for life to go back to "normal". For school to start again and drama to be an important class. I expect to wake up and the nightmare of the last seven years to be over. I know though that it'll never happen. This nightmare is "normal" now. It's life. This is what my reality has become. I want to die.

There is nothing I can say
There are no good words left anyway
Besides people are cruel
And the world still moves without you



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