Friday, July 13, 2007

Yet another useless day

I spent most of the day in bed. Depressed. I read a little today. I'm currently reading a book called Exuberance: The Passion for Life by Kay Redfield Jamison that Harmony loaned me. I finished the first chapter today. I wish I could die. I hate myself. I'm never happy and when I do feel a glimmer of joy I feel guilty because I don't deserve to be happy. I wish I could help Harmony feel better. I try to be "fine" when talking to her because I know she can't handle me not being okay right now because she's not doing well at all. I'm very worried about her. I love her, she's my sis. I hope the med change helps her.

I feel so empty inside. It's like a part of me is missing. It always feels like that. One of the inside people died a few years ago and it's still not the same. I know I sound crazy. I hate myself and I want to die. I wish suicide was an option. I wish the world would end. When is Jesus coming? Will I go to heaven? I don't deserve to go to heaven. I'll rot in hell. I dont know how I'm going to pay for school. I don't know how I'm going to pass my classes.

Tommorrow clubhouse is going to the movies. I don't know what we're going to see. I don't even know if I can get myself out of bed to go. I'm going to try. I'm trying so hard to pretend to be okay but all I can think about is death and cutting. I want to cut deep. I want to bleed a lot. I want to keep cutting. I want to cut until I bleed to death. I won't do that though. I may cut but just enough to bleed a little. Just enough to get a little relief. Not enough to endanger my life.



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