Sunday, December 30, 2007

can't take anymore

My back is killing me. Ibeprofin is not helping but that's nothing new. I'm really down. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to sit here alone either. My family is a phone call away but they are all sleeping and wouldn't know what to say to me anyways. I really really want to cut. I hate this feeling.

The year is coming to an end and here I am, alone, going to a stupid mental health clinic three days a week, and even fatter than I was last year. I almost never see my friends. They forget about me. Marcie remembers me, she talks to me when she gets online but we never really get together and do anything. I never have any money. I never will have any money. I have no future. Just the same shit every day, every week, every month, every stupid year! I don't know if I'll ever work. I have no idea what I want to do. I thought I wanted to be a librarian but I suck at all the librarian tasks and no longer look forward to working in a library. I want a job that I can work nights but I don't know of any. I have no talents. I suck at school. The only way I get decent grades is by getting everyone and anyone to help me with the assignments to the point that it's probably cheating, or is cheating. I just want to die.

I keep crying. I hate myself. I would kill myself but that would hurt my family and my friends too much, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing more harm by continueing to live like this. I'm no good for anybody. I always have been and always will be a burden. I wish all the people who love me would quit loving me so I wouldn't feel so guilty anymore. I don't understand how anyone can love me. There is nothing good about me.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of the headaches. I'm tired of the backpain. I'm tired of the hurting all over every damn day. I'm tired of the medicines not working. I'm tired of being so damn confused and forgetful. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of being told not to cut. I'm so tired of having to live with myself and all the people who live with me in my head. I do not know what to do with myself. I just want to take every pill I can find, find a sharp blade and cut until I die. Why did God put me here? To practice suffering so hell won't be so scary? I know that's where I'm going. Only humans who love the Lord, Jesus Christ, will go to heaven. I'm not really human. I do not belong in this world. I never have and I never will. I don't know where I belong. The only place I may fit in is hell.

Oh please God, please make the suffering stop! Why? Why did you let me be born? Why did you let me live to be so old? When is it going to be over? Ever? Never?

I've failed everyone who's ever expected anything from me. I'm a complete loser. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm lazy. I'm a slob. I have suffered enough already. I give in. Whatever it is you want, please tell me! Please?! Please end this somehow. I can't take anymore. I'm not strong enough. I can't do anything right and I'm tired of trying.
Please help me.



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