I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it’s all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world is so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna meet your friends
And I don’t wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now...
I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
August 29
It’s 2:30am. I just got out of the shower. I ate French fries earlier. I took my medicine at about 1:45am. I’m bored but don’t want to go to sleep even though I know I have to get up in I started my period what could now be called last night but for me it still is last night.
I saw my therapist this morning at 9am. We talked a little about me dropping out of school and about my computer troubles. We talked about my blog and I told her about the website <a herf=www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html>Secret Shame</a>. She wrote both secret shame and the address of my blog down on a post-it and said she’d look them up. She gave me a five page packet to work on this week. I’ve already finished it. It was a suicide prevention catalog.
I’m still congested. I’ve had to blow my nose several times today and it doesn’t get rid of all the snot.
It’s almost 3 pm. My stomach and back are hurting a little. I started my period last night. I feel very relaxed though, almost sleepy. I’m listening to mp3s and following a list. My list so far is:
Room/E2/Journal/Read/Other
It’s 6:35pm now. I’ve talked to Harmony on the phone twice today. She had to hang up the first time because she had to go potty and the second time because Dawggy’s friend’s were calling and he needed to call them back. I feel lonely. A little anxious. I added a number 11 to the list: bed.
My computer feels a little too warm. I turned it off for a while earlier when it got hot. Now I’ve propped it up on the corners of my stupid broken lap table and my weekly pill container.
It’s 8:26pm and I’m watching 7th Heaven. I haven’t eaten much today, just a couple mini caramel corn rice cakes. I just don’t feel like eating. I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. I’m trying to follow my list but not getting a whole lot done. I’m depressed, which makes being productive difficult, and not being productive just makes me more depressed. *sigh* Is this catch 22?
I wish I didn’t want to die.
I used to be able to just write and write and write. Just fill pages of my journals effortlessly. Nowadays I struggle to get my fingers moving over the keyboard or moving the pen.
I saw my therapist this morning at 9am. We talked a little about me dropping out of school and about my computer troubles. We talked about my blog and I told her about the website <a herf=www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html>Secret Shame</a>. She wrote both secret shame and the address of my blog down on a post-it and said she’d look them up. She gave me a five page packet to work on this week. I’ve already finished it. It was a suicide prevention catalog.
I’m still congested. I’ve had to blow my nose several times today and it doesn’t get rid of all the snot.
It’s almost 3 pm. My stomach and back are hurting a little. I started my period last night. I feel very relaxed though, almost sleepy. I’m listening to mp3s and following a list. My list so far is:
Room/E2/Journal/Read/Other
- Floor/Desk
- [West Virginia]
- Blog
- the realm of possibility
- Pictures
- Dresser
- Link [West Virginia]
- Harmony journal
- Bible
- Magazines
It’s 6:35pm now. I’ve talked to Harmony on the phone twice today. She had to hang up the first time because she had to go potty and the second time because Dawggy’s friend’s were calling and he needed to call them back. I feel lonely. A little anxious. I added a number 11 to the list: bed.
My computer feels a little too warm. I turned it off for a while earlier when it got hot. Now I’ve propped it up on the corners of my stupid broken lap table and my weekly pill container.
It’s 8:26pm and I’m watching 7th Heaven. I haven’t eaten much today, just a couple mini caramel corn rice cakes. I just don’t feel like eating. I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. I’m trying to follow my list but not getting a whole lot done. I’m depressed, which makes being productive difficult, and not being productive just makes me more depressed. *sigh* Is this catch 22?
I wish I didn’t want to die.
I used to be able to just write and write and write. Just fill pages of my journals effortlessly. Nowadays I struggle to get my fingers moving over the keyboard or moving the pen.
August 28
*yawn*
It’s a little after one am. I went to karaoke and got home a little after 12. I drank 2 or 3 Shirley Temple’s. I ate half of a cheese quesadilla. (Sergio and I shared it.) I also had some chips. The only other thing I ate today was some caramel corn mini rice cakes. I sang three songs, REALLY badly. I’m not a good singer to begin with but tonight I was congested which made my singing even worse. And I was short of breath again. I sang Runaway Train, as made popular by Soul Asylum. I also sang I Want A New Duck by “Weird Al” Yankovic. The final song I sang was Savage Garden’s I Knew I Loved You.
It’s 1:42am now. I’m a little tired but don’t feel like going to sleep right now. I’m scared. I’m afraid someone will get me while I sleep or the dreams will be bad. I know all the doors of the house are locked but I can’t help but be scared there is somebody in the house besides Grandma, Jiggs, and myself. I know the dog would probably bark if anyone else was in the house but I just can’t shake the feeling. Is this paranoia?
It’s 2:03am. I just took my bedtime meds. I worked up the courage to go into the kitchen and get something to drink so I could take the medicine. That wasn’t easy to do. I turned the kitchen light on and looked all over the living room and kitchen to try to reassure myself that no one was there.
I cut my legs. I know I shouldn’t do that, it causes scars and upsets my family and friends, but sometimes I NEED to do something.
It’s almost 3pm. I talked to Harmony for a little while earlier on the phone. I miss internet. I love talking to her on the phone but I also love talking to her online and doing all the other things I do online, like E2 and email.
It’s 7:20pm. I’m making 3 corn coblets. I’m watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.
It’s 8pm now. I ate my three little cobs of corn and now I’m watching cold case.
It’s a little after one am. I went to karaoke and got home a little after 12. I drank 2 or 3 Shirley Temple’s. I ate half of a cheese quesadilla. (Sergio and I shared it.) I also had some chips. The only other thing I ate today was some caramel corn mini rice cakes. I sang three songs, REALLY badly. I’m not a good singer to begin with but tonight I was congested which made my singing even worse. And I was short of breath again. I sang Runaway Train, as made popular by Soul Asylum. I also sang I Want A New Duck by “Weird Al” Yankovic. The final song I sang was Savage Garden’s I Knew I Loved You.
It’s 1:42am now. I’m a little tired but don’t feel like going to sleep right now. I’m scared. I’m afraid someone will get me while I sleep or the dreams will be bad. I know all the doors of the house are locked but I can’t help but be scared there is somebody in the house besides Grandma, Jiggs, and myself. I know the dog would probably bark if anyone else was in the house but I just can’t shake the feeling. Is this paranoia?
It’s 2:03am. I just took my bedtime meds. I worked up the courage to go into the kitchen and get something to drink so I could take the medicine. That wasn’t easy to do. I turned the kitchen light on and looked all over the living room and kitchen to try to reassure myself that no one was there.
I cut my legs. I know I shouldn’t do that, it causes scars and upsets my family and friends, but sometimes I NEED to do something.
It’s almost 3pm. I talked to Harmony for a little while earlier on the phone. I miss internet. I love talking to her on the phone but I also love talking to her online and doing all the other things I do online, like E2 and email.
It’s 7:20pm. I’m making 3 corn coblets. I’m watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.
It’s 8pm now. I ate my three little cobs of corn and now I’m watching cold case.
August 27
*rubs eyes*
It’s 1:40pm. I slept until almost one, when mom called. After she hung up I laid here and tried to get back to sleep for a while. Now my eyes are still sleepy. I just swallowed 2 Tylenol and my 2pm Buspar. I’m supposed to take the Tylenol 4 times a day but I usually forget.
Today is Saturday. I don’t know if I’m going to karaoke tonight or not. I might go since I don’t have any internet and am bored at night (and during the day too!). I don’t really have the money to go though. Marcie isn’t going.
It’s 3:30pm now. I just got off the phone with Harmony. We talked for quite a while. I talked to Danielle briefly before that. I’ve decided to go ahead and go to karaoke since I’m so bored at home without the internet.
It’s 5:18pm now. Harmony and Dawggy’s internet is down also so none of our votes will be used this weekend. I keep yawning. I’ve tried to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel depressed and I want to cut myself. I feel kinda anxious. I’m only a little bit congested today.
*sigh*
I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m frustrated with myself for not accomplishing anything. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. I keep thinking bad thoughts. The inside people are noisy today.
It’s 1:40pm. I slept until almost one, when mom called. After she hung up I laid here and tried to get back to sleep for a while. Now my eyes are still sleepy. I just swallowed 2 Tylenol and my 2pm Buspar. I’m supposed to take the Tylenol 4 times a day but I usually forget.
Today is Saturday. I don’t know if I’m going to karaoke tonight or not. I might go since I don’t have any internet and am bored at night (and during the day too!). I don’t really have the money to go though. Marcie isn’t going.
It’s 3:30pm now. I just got off the phone with Harmony. We talked for quite a while. I talked to Danielle briefly before that. I’ve decided to go ahead and go to karaoke since I’m so bored at home without the internet.
It’s 5:18pm now. Harmony and Dawggy’s internet is down also so none of our votes will be used this weekend. I keep yawning. I’ve tried to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel depressed and I want to cut myself. I feel kinda anxious. I’m only a little bit congested today.
*sigh*
I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m frustrated with myself for not accomplishing anything. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. I keep thinking bad thoughts. The inside people are noisy today.
August 26
*sigh*
It’s Friday, August 26, 2005. My modem finally completely quit today. They said they’d mail me a new one in three-to-five business days. That means I may not have internet until next Friday. It’s always something. First my computer needed a new hard drive. I finally got that replaced and now my modem has gone bad.
Today I stayed in bed until about noon then I sat up and talked to Harmony and Lostwarrior in #manicdepression. I got in a little bit of an argument with Dawggy today because I said I wanted to cut my neck open and was not very supportive of Harmony, who is not doing so well right now either. I left the chatroom. I know it’s immature but I don’t know what else I could have done to keep myself from saying something else stupid. I want to cut now just thinking about it. I already cut a couple times today. I feel really depressed and frustrated.
I talked to Harmony, Marcie, and Danielle on the phone today (separately). Harmony called me because I had called and left a message on their machine that I wouldn’t be online for about a week because my modem had died and I needed to wait for them to send me a replacement in the mail. Marcie and Danielle, I called. There is a “Girls Night Out” at a local female gym called Butterfly Life and I wanted to see if they wanted to go with me. Marcie has to go to her great-aunt’s birthday party at the hospital. Danielle is going to call me tomorrow sometime but I bet she don’t want to go. I may or may not go to karaoke tomorrow night. I don’t really have money to go but I might go anyways just so I don’t have to sit home alone with no internet.
I’m still congested but I haven’t been sneezing much today, just a couple of times. I haven’t even been coughing that much either but I have felt out of breath a lot. I’ve also been wheezing some. I have had several dreams that woke me up because I felt as if I were underwater and couldn’t get to the top. I wake up gasping for air.
It’s Friday, August 26, 2005. My modem finally completely quit today. They said they’d mail me a new one in three-to-five business days. That means I may not have internet until next Friday. It’s always something. First my computer needed a new hard drive. I finally got that replaced and now my modem has gone bad.
Today I stayed in bed until about noon then I sat up and talked to Harmony and Lostwarrior in #manicdepression. I got in a little bit of an argument with Dawggy today because I said I wanted to cut my neck open and was not very supportive of Harmony, who is not doing so well right now either. I left the chatroom. I know it’s immature but I don’t know what else I could have done to keep myself from saying something else stupid. I want to cut now just thinking about it. I already cut a couple times today. I feel really depressed and frustrated.
I talked to Harmony, Marcie, and Danielle on the phone today (separately). Harmony called me because I had called and left a message on their machine that I wouldn’t be online for about a week because my modem had died and I needed to wait for them to send me a replacement in the mail. Marcie and Danielle, I called. There is a “Girls Night Out” at a local female gym called Butterfly Life and I wanted to see if they wanted to go with me. Marcie has to go to her great-aunt’s birthday party at the hospital. Danielle is going to call me tomorrow sometime but I bet she don’t want to go. I may or may not go to karaoke tomorrow night. I don’t really have money to go but I might go anyways just so I don’t have to sit home alone with no internet.
I’m still congested but I haven’t been sneezing much today, just a couple of times. I haven’t even been coughing that much either but I have felt out of breath a lot. I’ve also been wheezing some. I have had several dreams that woke me up because I felt as if I were underwater and couldn’t get to the top. I wake up gasping for air.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
nonsense
it's about 2:15am. I took my new meds (luvox, buspar, risperdal, and cogenten) about 2. i've got a headache. i'm congested. i want to hurt myself. i wish i could die/ceice to exist. i can't write anything worth not deleting. i can't get myself to do much of anything. i'm such a loser. i'll never be worth anything.
if only i could find something explaining "how to kill yourself" which would make it fool proof, so i couldnt fail again and would make it so that i wouldnt hurt my friends /family. i dont think it exists
i dont know what to do. i dont want to sleep cuz i dont want to dream. i dont want to play games or read cuz i hvave a headache. i dont want to clean because i don't feel good. i want to cut but i promised i'd try not to
tommorow i'll prolly just lay here in bed all day. life sucks. actually i suck.
if only i could find something explaining "how to kill yourself" which would make it fool proof, so i couldnt fail again and would make it so that i wouldnt hurt my friends /family. i dont think it exists
i dont know what to do. i dont want to sleep cuz i dont want to dream. i dont want to play games or read cuz i hvave a headache. i dont want to clean because i don't feel good. i want to cut but i promised i'd try not to
tommorow i'll prolly just lay here in bed all day. life sucks. actually i suck.
Dropped out of college
I dropped out of college cuz after 5+ years at a 2-year community college I finally figured out that I'm never going to get a degree because I can't pass general education classes. Now I have nothing.
I can't write shit. I can't focus on reading. I have a cold or something. Feel like shit and depressed on top of that. I just want to die but I'd just fail at that too.
I can't write shit. I can't focus on reading. I have a cold or something. Feel like shit and depressed on top of that. I just want to die but I'd just fail at that too.
Friday, August 19, 2005
myspace
I've been working on my page on myspace. Kylee and Dillon are really involved with the site and I wanted to be more involved in their lives so I joined myspace. I found the Darren Hayes group on there.
I got a parking ticket today.
I went to the clinic in West Covina for bloodwork and parked on the street because their parking lot is really small and didn't see the sign that said no parking between 7am-3pm. I'm stupid. 
Dillon is spending the night so grandma bought us a pizza. I ate two pieces and was full.
I talked on the phone a lot to Harmony today because their internet has been down for two days now. I can't wait until that gets fixed. Neither can they.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Redid my computer today
Today I reinstalled windows. Harmony and Dawggy's internet has been down all day but I spent most of the day on the phone with them. Mostly Dawggy. He helped me over the phone to reformat my hard drive. We had to do this because nothing else worked to get a few programs (netmeeting, vnc, etc) and one specific website (the website for my online class) to work. The website works now and we'll be trying the other programs when Dawggy and Harmony get back online tommorow.
I didn't go to the clinic today because I fell asleep. I didn't sleep very well last night. I got up this morning, dressed, brushed teeth, etc. and then layed down for a minute and fell asleep for an hour and a half.
Tommorow I have to go to the West Covina free clinic to get blood work done so I have to fast for the rest of the night.
Some things still need to be installed on my computer. I've installed mirc, firefox, and itunes.
I didn't go to the clinic today because I fell asleep. I didn't sleep very well last night. I got up this morning, dressed, brushed teeth, etc. and then layed down for a minute and fell asleep for an hour and a half.
Tommorow I have to go to the West Covina free clinic to get blood work done so I have to fast for the rest of the night.
Some things still need to be installed on my computer. I've installed mirc, firefox, and itunes.
Sunday, August 7, 2005
I Am An Illusion
It's 1:45am on Sunday morning. I'm alone in my room, as usual. I'm anxious but not nearly as anxious as I was earlier. I've used all my votes on E2. I've got a node to work on but am not thinking clearly enough to really work on it. I'm in #bus but the channel is idle, as it usually is at this time of night. I'm talking to Fruan from E2 on ICQ but that conversation is going south.
Today is Daniel and Hannah's second birthday. They were born at 12:35 and 12:36pm (I think) two years ago today. We are going to Chuck E. Cheese's for lunch tommorow. On tuesday we are going to Disneyland for their birthday. I bought Hannah a Mrs. Potato Head and Daniel a Mr. Potato Head. They like the Mr. Potato Head magnet set that grandma has on her refridgerator. I bought them at Wal-Mart for about $6 each.
I went to karaoke this evening. I sang three songs: "Eat It", "Like a Surgeon", and "Stuck In a Moment". While there I drank three Shirley Temples. It cost me $7 including tip.
Saturday, August 6, 2005
Not feeling good enough
As I write this my leg is bleeding. It's just a couple really small cuts. It's not enough. I feel terribly anxious and miserably depressed. I want to end it all but I pinky promised Harmony I wouldn't try to kill myself. You can't break a pinky promise. I was in the mental hospital for 2 nights and 2 days. It just made things worse. I got out of taking my meds regularly. The doctor, Dr. Ali, is an asshole that makes me feel worse. Shit, I'm crying again. I'm far from Okay. I need to cut and cut and cut. I'm trying so hard not to SI though because it gets me in trouble with my grandma and mom. I just can't go on like this. Something has to be done. Talking to Grace, my case manager, doesn't really help. She called 911 on me which led to a frustrating trip to the ER where one of the nurses made fun of me then a couple days on the psych ward where the asshole doctor just made me feel even worse.
My grandma and mom blame it all on Harmony but it's NOT her fault. It's nobody's fault but my own. I don't do anything right. Harmony has kept me alive for over a year now. My family just don't understand that. I can't stop crying. I need to SI more. No one really understands what I'm going through, not even me. I don't know why I'm so anxious and so depressed. I'd been taking my medicine like the doctor prescribed it. Which is another thing the doctor in the hospital bawled me out for. My doctor at the clinic has me takeing Effexor twice a day and the doctor in the hospital told me that's wrong that I should only be taking it once a day because it's a long acting drug and acted like it was my fault I was taking it wrong. I hate Dr. Ali.
I don't know what to do now. Harmony's not home from the hospital and Dawggy's not home. Harmony's probably in group or she got out by now and they're at Dawggy's mom's house or something. I wish they'd get home because me alone isn't a good thing right now and I can't talk to grandma about this kind of stuff. Why can't I just die?! Please! Make it all end. I can't stand feeling like this anymore...
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
I wish everyone would give up on me
Why do people have to CARE about me? Why can't everyone give up and leave me alone? If everyone would give up on me and stop being my friends I could kill myself without so much guilt. I don't want friends. I want everyone I care about to go away so I wouldn't hurt anyone when I ended my misery. But NO all you damn people that care about me make it impossible for me to end the misery. I have to ACT fine and shit. I'm so tired of feeling shitty. I'm so tired of being a useless flunky. But I can't end it because of stupid people caring about me. WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME? I'M USELESS! A waste of space, time, caring, etc etc...
GIVE UP ON ME DAMNIT!
GIVE UP ON ME DAMNIT!
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
slipping between dimensions
I'm unsure of everything. Time is a mystery. I'm not even completely in this dimension. I keep slipping in and out of this frame and into others. The depression is intense. The unreality overwhelming. Nothing makes sense except death and even that is a mystery. But death would put me solidly into another dimension, another frame of existence. We are not okay right now and do not know if we ever will be.
Monday, April 4, 2005
I don't know
I don't know what to say. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what is the truth and what is lies. I keep crying. I don't know why. I wish I could just die or at least cut so I'd feel better. I'm so mean to Harmony. I hate it but I hate her for loving me. I even told her that. If only she could hate me I'd finally have a good reason to die. She wont let go of me.
Sunday, April 3, 2005
Depressed on my birthday
Today I turned 24. I was okay all day. I sat outside Vons from about noon til about 6pm asking for donations for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society with John and Danielle. Linda (Danielle's mom) was there with us for a while and Sergio showed up for a while later. The three of us came to my house after that to try to register online for the 5k we're doing this weekend. The site wasn't working. Then we went to Pepe's for dinner with Sergio. Sergio bought me my quesidilla. He then dropped us off at Danielle's house and went to pick up a field trip. Danielle went and got Emma and the 4 of us played a game called Sequence a couple times. They then took me home. I talked to my mom, sister, and brother on the phone briefly. I talked to Dawggy and Harmony online for a couple minutes until they went to bed. Now I'm feeling terribly depressed and lonely. I don't know why. I guess I just didnt ever want to be this old. I always hoped I'd be dead before I was ever even out of high school. Why won't God just let me die?
I was such a pig today. I ate 3 pieces of pizza for lunch and a breadstick. We then shared an entire bag of cookies. Later I ate 2 corn tortilla quisidillas, a bunch of peanuts, and came home and had a piece of the mint n chip icecream/chocoalte cake my mom brought me last night. I also had a lot of soda today. I'm a big fat lazy pig and I don't want to live anymore. I wish I had a blade to cut with to make me feel better. It's been far too long since I last cut.
I was such a pig today. I ate 3 pieces of pizza for lunch and a breadstick. We then shared an entire bag of cookies. Later I ate 2 corn tortilla quisidillas, a bunch of peanuts, and came home and had a piece of the mint n chip icecream/chocoalte cake my mom brought me last night. I also had a lot of soda today. I'm a big fat lazy pig and I don't want to live anymore. I wish I had a blade to cut with to make me feel better. It's been far too long since I last cut.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Wishing life would end
Current Music: 10,000 Maniacs - Everyday is like sunday
Current Mood:
Interesting Node: February 21, 2002. (The first thing I ever chinged).
Interesting non-e2 url: My donation page, please help.
Picture:
Caption: I really did see a pink elephant!
Quote: Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day;
live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have.
It is later than you think.
--Horace
Trivia: In 1493, who returned to Spain after his first voyage to
the New World?
Joke: I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing
out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
a gal a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-dicked Nazi. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I
called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about
20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I
try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: I’m a fool when it comes to money matters, among other things.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: I can’t think of anything.
Current music: I want you to want me
And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’ve been very depressed. Tried pulling away from my friends but they just won’t let me do it. I scratched up my arm pretty good with a kitchen knife. That’s the most I’ve done in like two months. My room is a disaster, worse than it’s ever been. My abnormal psychology reading is coming along much slower than it should. Danielle’s birthday was yesterday and I haven’t even copied the CDs she wants yet. No idea where the CDs even are or the blank ones. I wish I could just die really, really soon. I need to really cut, not just scratches. I need to see the blood drip down my leg and arm. There are times I hate my bestest friends for talking me into getting rid of all my blades. Right now is one of those times.
My aunt Robin has moved in with us. I cannot stand this woman. She is very narcissistic. She finally got a job at Rubio’s (a Mexican restaurant of some sort) yesterday. So of course she had to celebrate by drinking again. She’s an alcoholic and has abused drugs for as long as I can remember. Grandma is letting her stay here rent-free and giving her gas money while I have to pay $300 a month to stay here. I wish Robin would go away. Every time she starts talking I feel an irresistible urge to self-injure, which lately has mainly been pulling my hair while she talks or banging my head while I hear her rambling on in the other room. I hate life and I wish my friends would let go so life could end. I’m sorry.
Current music: Darren Hayes - I like the way
Trivia answer: In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his
first voyage to the New World.
Current mood:
Last thoughts: It’s only 1:20pm and I’m wishing the day would end, just as I do everyday all day and all night. I hate life. I hate just about everything.
Current Mood:
Interesting Node: February 21, 2002. (The first thing I ever chinged).
Interesting non-e2 url: My donation page, please help.
Picture:
Caption: I really did see a pink elephant!
Quote: Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day;
live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have.
It is later than you think.
--Horace
Trivia: In 1493, who returned to Spain after his first voyage to
the New World?
Joke: I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing
out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
a gal a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-dicked Nazi. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I
called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about
20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I
try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: I’m a fool when it comes to money matters, among other things.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: I can’t think of anything.
Current music: I want you to want me
And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’ve been very depressed. Tried pulling away from my friends but they just won’t let me do it. I scratched up my arm pretty good with a kitchen knife. That’s the most I’ve done in like two months. My room is a disaster, worse than it’s ever been. My abnormal psychology reading is coming along much slower than it should. Danielle’s birthday was yesterday and I haven’t even copied the CDs she wants yet. No idea where the CDs even are or the blank ones. I wish I could just die really, really soon. I need to really cut, not just scratches. I need to see the blood drip down my leg and arm. There are times I hate my bestest friends for talking me into getting rid of all my blades. Right now is one of those times.
My aunt Robin has moved in with us. I cannot stand this woman. She is very narcissistic. She finally got a job at Rubio’s (a Mexican restaurant of some sort) yesterday. So of course she had to celebrate by drinking again. She’s an alcoholic and has abused drugs for as long as I can remember. Grandma is letting her stay here rent-free and giving her gas money while I have to pay $300 a month to stay here. I wish Robin would go away. Every time she starts talking I feel an irresistible urge to self-injure, which lately has mainly been pulling my hair while she talks or banging my head while I hear her rambling on in the other room. I hate life and I wish my friends would let go so life could end. I’m sorry.
Current music: Darren Hayes - I like the way
Trivia answer: In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his
first voyage to the New World.
Current mood:
Last thoughts: It’s only 1:20pm and I’m wishing the day would end, just as I do everyday all day and all night. I hate life. I hate just about everything.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Depression taking over
Today started with a THUD as I fell off the bed as I reached for the phone. After assuring Marcie I would be ready by 9:30am I unwedged myself from the small area between the bed and the desk chair. As I began to get ready for my therapist appointment the phone rang again and it was my mother. I then had to get ready while on the phone with my mother the entire time, going to the bathroom, brushing my hair and teeth, etc, all while holding the cordless phone while mom and grandma rambled on about all the usual stuff. I wasn’t quite ready when Marcie got there and was still on the phone with mom and grandma. Marcie patiently stood there and waited while I rushed around to finish getting ready. Her mom was driving. They dropped me off as close as possible to where my appointment with Abe was. As I started the short hike to the health center they found a parking place. While I sat in a small room with Abe they went to the fitness center and worked out. I told Abe I was dropping one of my three classes and that I was depressed and often wish I were dead. He told me how fortunate I was to have Harmony, Dawggy, Marcie, John, Danielle, and Sergio. He went on about me being addicted to depression and needing to find the achievements of daily life even if it’s as small as I survived the day. I came home and turned on music and began reading some of the abnormal psychology textbook and as I studied I can feel the depression begin to press harder and harder on me until I start thinking of death once again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me happy like it used to. I’ve been exercising every day and I’ve been told so many times that exercise is supposed to make you less depressed but it’s not helping me. Every day feels worse than the day before no matter how much exercise I do. I’m so tired of feeling like shit. I just want to give up and find a way to die that no one can stop it from happening. I’m sorry.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Living healthier
I've been sticking (somewhat) to Weight watcher points and starting yesterday, walking everyday and training for a marathon. Yes, Blue is training for a marathon. And she needs every body's help. We need sponsers. I don't know if I can finish the entire 26.2 miles but I'm going to walk as much as I can and I'm going to raise as much money as I can. Today I walked a mile in about 25 minutes. Tommorows goal is 2 miles. Every other day is 20 minutes, 2 miles, 20 minutes, 2 miles....and eventually longer times and distances. Wish me luck and please help me raise money. I'm open to any ideas! Thanks!
Saturday, January 8, 2005
I'm trying to stick to a diet but I've cheated tonight. After I took a shower, it was about 1:20am and I was hungry so I made myself a quesidilla. I drank a glass of OJ and then ate a 100 calorie pack. 
Now I'm drinking a flavored water I was going to save for our trip to Disneyland. Hopefully I can get to wal-mart before next friday. We were going to go this friday but it rained all day.
It's 3am. I should be
but I don't feel sleepy. I'll try soon though.
Now I'm drinking a flavored water I was going to save for our trip to Disneyland. Hopefully I can get to wal-mart before next friday. We were going to go this friday but it rained all day.
It's 3am. I should be
but I don't feel sleepy. I'll try soon though.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Screw the template
I'm depressed and barely functioning. I've decided to drop the class I wanted to take (abnormal psychology with Dr. Schaliky) because I have no dependable transportation. My car won't pass smog and is not repairable. Grandma said she'll help me get a car for my birthday but that's not until the end of the semester. I'll still have developmental psychology online and the health science class online. I'll probably go curl up in a ball now.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Restless
Current Music: none again
Current Mood: restless and tired
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: went to the psychiatrist
And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m having trouble focusing on anything for long. I’m tired and restless. I cant sleep. I can’t focus. I went to the doc today. I start zyprexa again in the morning.
Current music: Mary did you know
Current mood: unsure how I feel
Last thoughts: whatever my mood is isn’t where I’d like to be.
Current Mood: restless and tired
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: went to the psychiatrist
And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m having trouble focusing on anything for long. I’m tired and restless. I cant sleep. I can’t focus. I went to the doc today. I start zyprexa again in the morning.
Current music: Mary did you know
Current mood: unsure how I feel
Last thoughts: whatever my mood is isn’t where I’d like to be.
Thursday, December 2, 2004
TItles are hard to come up with
Current Music: Darren Hayes – So Bad
Current Mood: Kinda high on pain pills
Interesting Node: The Christmas Shoes
Interesting non-e2 url: Bubblewrap!
Picture:
Caption: This is from Don Mammen’s memorial service. I thought it was pretty so I scanned it.
Quote: “Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun.”
--Bishop Hall
Trivia: What 1978 Disney animated featurette is about the special journey of a donkey from Jerusalem to Bethlehem?
Joke: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas
1. Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your balls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: That talking about cutting, in any form, upsets Dawggy. I cannot stand to have him upset with me. Also, from working on school work we learned that Yoga gives a person agility and flexibility.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Was there for a friend at her father’s memorial service and after.
And now on to my ramblings of the moment: I don’t really feel like rambling right now. My eyes keep crossing. I went to Montclair Plaza with my mom and we ate in the food court then went out and found Borders and spent almost $200 on Kylee and Dillon. Then I took lortab.
Trivia answer: The Small One
Current music: John_Mayer_-_Come_Back_To_Bed_[live_on_leno_07.20.2004]
Current mood: Don’t know
Last thoughts: Lortab is my friend but my head still kinda hurts but I go to the doctor tomorrow.
Current Mood: Kinda high on pain pills
Interesting Node: The Christmas Shoes
Interesting non-e2 url: Bubblewrap!
Picture:
Caption: This is from Don Mammen’s memorial service. I thought it was pretty so I scanned it.
Quote: “Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun.”
--Bishop Hall
Trivia: What 1978 Disney animated featurette is about the special journey of a donkey from Jerusalem to Bethlehem?
Joke: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas
1. Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your balls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: That talking about cutting, in any form, upsets Dawggy. I cannot stand to have him upset with me. Also, from working on school work we learned that Yoga gives a person agility and flexibility.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Was there for a friend at her father’s memorial service and after.
And now on to my ramblings of the moment: I don’t really feel like rambling right now. My eyes keep crossing. I went to Montclair Plaza with my mom and we ate in the food court then went out and found Borders and spent almost $200 on Kylee and Dillon. Then I took lortab.
Trivia answer: The Small One
Current music: John_Mayer_-_Come_Back_To_Bed_[live_on_leno_07.20.2004]
Current mood: Don’t know
Last thoughts: Lortab is my friend but my head still kinda hurts but I go to the doctor tomorrow.
Friday, November 26, 2004
Thanksgiving is over!
Current Music: Martina McBride – A Broken Wing
Current Mood: Numb
Interesting Node: A self-censored Scapegoat is a dead Scapegoat
Interesting non-e2 url: Truth in advertising
Picture:
Quote: “You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving” –Amy Carmichael
Trivia: Geyser is derived from an Icelandic word for "hot springs."
Joke: I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Daniel likes my car.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Um, not much.
And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
Thanksgiving is over and I’m glad. I haven’t been able to accomplish much lately. My concentration is practically non-existent most of the time.
I had to put up with Mando yesterday cuz it was thanksgiving. I was glad when it was time to go home.
Current music: John Mayer – Come Back To Bed
Current mood:
Last thoughts:
Current Mood: Numb
Interesting Node: A self-censored Scapegoat is a dead Scapegoat
Interesting non-e2 url: Truth in advertising
Picture:
Quote: “You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving” –Amy Carmichael
Trivia: Geyser is derived from an Icelandic word for "hot springs."
Joke: I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Daniel likes my car.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Um, not much.
And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
Thanksgiving is over and I’m glad. I haven’t been able to accomplish much lately. My concentration is practically non-existent most of the time.
I had to put up with Mando yesterday cuz it was thanksgiving. I was glad when it was time to go home.
Current music: John Mayer – Come Back To Bed
Current mood:
Last thoughts:
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
"You can listen as well as you hear"
Current Music: Bonnie Raitt – I can’t make you love me
Current Mood: Depressed
Interesting Node: I opened a fortune cookie for you yesterday
Interesting non-e2 url: Mother of all Excuses
Picture:
Quote: “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is
limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
--Albert Einstein
Trivia: In 1972, who ended a 22-year ban on U.S. travel to China?
Joke: The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
you'd be eating alone."
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My therapist says I’m brave, and perhaps, according to his explanation, maybe, just maybe I am.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Started going to therapy.
And now on to my ramblings of the moment: *sigh* In the same week two of my friends lost their fathers. This disturbs me greatly. I wrote a node about my own father and how I’ll never tell him how I truly feel about him. Dawggy got to tell his father. I doubt Danielle did. Dawggy’s dad is now in his finally resting place, I think Danielle’s dad’s funeral is tomorrow. I have this obsessive repetitive thought that someone dear to me will leave this world soon. Deaths for some odd reason always seem to happen in threes. I don’t know if that’s just celebrities or common people as well but it seems to me that death always comes in three. Perhaps it has something to do with the Holy creature of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I don’t know. I’m just rambling.
I started therapy. There’s now a part time therapist at Citrus college I’ve seen last Friday and again on Monday and I go back and see him this Wednesday. His name is Abe and so far he’s a better therapist than ones I’ve had in the past, only time will tell if it’s truly helping. I’ve had to fight the tears both sessions. On Monday he talked about suicide, suicide as a creature preying on those who are hurting. He talked of the different way it manifests itself. I’d never thought about it the way he explained it, but in an odd way it made sense. He told me I should write an email or something to my sister telling her what he said and how I wouldn’t be able to deal with losing her. Just the thought of losing any of my siblings makes the tears flood to my eyes. Oh dear God please don’t take away the people I love any time soon.
Trivia answer: In 1972, the State Department ended a 22-year ban on U.S.
travel to China.
Current music: Joe Nichols – If nobody believed in you
Current mood:
Last thoughts: I’m tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of being achey. Tired of feeling so crappy. Tired of the sudden unexplained tears. Just tired.
Current Mood: Depressed
Interesting Node: I opened a fortune cookie for you yesterday
Interesting non-e2 url: Mother of all Excuses
Picture:
Quote: “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is
limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
--Albert Einstein
Trivia: In 1972, who ended a 22-year ban on U.S. travel to China?
Joke: The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
you'd be eating alone."
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My therapist says I’m brave, and perhaps, according to his explanation, maybe, just maybe I am.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Started going to therapy.
And now on to my ramblings of the moment: *sigh* In the same week two of my friends lost their fathers. This disturbs me greatly. I wrote a node about my own father and how I’ll never tell him how I truly feel about him. Dawggy got to tell his father. I doubt Danielle did. Dawggy’s dad is now in his finally resting place, I think Danielle’s dad’s funeral is tomorrow. I have this obsessive repetitive thought that someone dear to me will leave this world soon. Deaths for some odd reason always seem to happen in threes. I don’t know if that’s just celebrities or common people as well but it seems to me that death always comes in three. Perhaps it has something to do with the Holy creature of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I don’t know. I’m just rambling.
I started therapy. There’s now a part time therapist at Citrus college I’ve seen last Friday and again on Monday and I go back and see him this Wednesday. His name is Abe and so far he’s a better therapist than ones I’ve had in the past, only time will tell if it’s truly helping. I’ve had to fight the tears both sessions. On Monday he talked about suicide, suicide as a creature preying on those who are hurting. He talked of the different way it manifests itself. I’d never thought about it the way he explained it, but in an odd way it made sense. He told me I should write an email or something to my sister telling her what he said and how I wouldn’t be able to deal with losing her. Just the thought of losing any of my siblings makes the tears flood to my eyes. Oh dear God please don’t take away the people I love any time soon.
Trivia answer: In 1972, the State Department ended a 22-year ban on U.S.
travel to China.
Current music: Joe Nichols – If nobody believed in you
Current mood:
Last thoughts: I’m tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of being achey. Tired of feeling so crappy. Tired of the sudden unexplained tears. Just tired.
Monday, November 8, 2004
Bedtime but blogging first
Current Music: Our Lady Peace - I'll be watching
you drown
Current Mood: 
Interesting Node:
Sad Little spiral-bound notebook diaries
Interesting non-e2 url:
http://www.blingo.com
Picture: 
Caption: My first car, washed and decorated as my 19th
birthday present. They put a radio in it for me.
Quote: "Friendship improves happiness and abates
misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief"--Marcus
Tullius Cicero
Trivia: The electric eel's shocking power is so
great that it can overtake its victims while 15 feet away.
Joke:
Attending a
wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then
said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Going IP
still sucks.
Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got on
an antidepressant (Lexapro) and had Zyprexa increased.
And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
It's my bedtime. 
but I'm a 
and I wanted to finish one more write-up which I still haven't finished.
It's morning now, which for me is the end of the day. 
I
know I"m weird. I was in-patient for three days starting on November 1st.
I'm glad it is over with. Now I need to get an appointment with that
stupid doctor at the La Puente clinic. Hospitals are supposed to set up an
appointment before discharging patients but they don't.
Current music: Prince - Seven
Current mood: 
Last thoughts:
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