Haven't cut since yesterday morning

It's been a pretty "normal" day today. I went to clubhouse. I saw Grace. She gave me a Vons $50 gift card. I used it. I went to the gym but was/am achey today so I only did the machines and not a video. I made dip and ate almost the entire thing. I talked to LostWarrior, Kiana, and of course, Harmony. I'm really tired today. I've got a headache. I didn't do anything particularly exciting really today and don't have any plans for tommorrow except to go to the gym.

3am - Matchbox 20

MATCHBOX 20 LYRICS

"3 AM"

She say it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
She's always worried about things like that
She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it's stopped raining

[chorus]

Away from the sun - 3 doors down

3 DOORS DOWN LYRICS

"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone...

it's hot

It was 100 degrees today. It's after midnight, I've got my fan on high and I'm still sweating.


Mom went with Kylee tonight to Kylee's banquet. She recieved her letter for choir and drama. She also became a thespian. I'm very proud of her. I didn't get to go because I had to stay home and help grandma with the twins. The twins were not on their best behavior. Grandma bitched the entire time mom was gone. I ended up cutting myself not long after mom finally got home. Dillon was at his friend's birthday party.

I can't stand being around grandma anymore. She's just so hateful. She makes me feel terrible. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to live at all, really. I hate myself and I feel totally stuck here in this house with grandma's constant bitching. I think I'd want to live if living on my own was an option.

Take a class at Citrus?

I got a catalog and filled out the application to go back to Citrus college. I don't know what class to take though. I don't know if I can even handle a class right now. I don't know what to do. I want to prove I can handle stuff on my own. I want to move out of grandma's house. Iwant to have something to do that matters, like homework. I feel really depressed and want to die. I am trying really hard not to si.

I wish suicide was an option

I know I can't quit. I'd hurt too many people but I can't stop wishing death would come.

lithium - nirvana

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
cause Ive found god
Yeah (x6)

Im so lonely but thats okay, I shaved my head ...
And Im not sad
And just maybe Im to blame for all Ive heard ...
But Im not sure
Im so excited, I cant wait to meet you there ...
But I dont care
Im so horny, but thats okay ...
My will is good
Yeah(x6)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
cause Ive found god
Yeah, yeah, yeah(x2)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

nothing matters

I have nothing in my life that it matters whether I do it or not. E2 doesn't matter. Blogging is just a way to whine and complain. I thought about going back to school but I don't know if I can do it. I don't know what to do

withdrawing

I want to be alone. No friends. I want to be left all alone. I want to fade into insignificance. I want to be forgotten. I want to have a different life. I want to cease to exist. I feel lonely but afraid of contact. I want to SI and no one know about it.

I wish no one cared

If no one cared about me I could kill myself. I wouldn't have to feel guilty all the time. I wish that I had no friends. I wish the people at the clinic like Grace and Kelly didn't care about me. I know they care. They wouldn't have driven all the way over here just to talk to me last friday. Why can't I be forgotten by everyone that cares about/loves me? Why can't I fade into insignificance and then quietly die?

lost gas card

Grace gave me a gas card and I some how lost it between starbucks and the car. I looked all over my car and couldn't find it. I called Grace and she said not to worry about it but I am. I can't stop thinking about it. I cried. I want so badly to cry crimson tears.

at starbucks...

I’m at Starbucks on Lakes in West Covina. I’m waiting for Grace. She called and said she was running about half an hour behind. But she was supposed to be at 4…

She and her 15 year old son showed up finally. He got a drink then went to Best Buy. She’s gone to get something to drink now. I’m glad I came here. I like talking to Grace. She’s nice and she cares.

I drank a large Strawberries and Cream but now I’m debating whether or not to spend more of the money I can’t really afford to spend on a caramel apple cider. It might warm me up a bit. I’m cold.

What do I do now?

I don't really know what to say. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm urgy. I could call Grace but I think I'm driving her nuts. I called a lot this weekend. It's been a really long, hard weekend. I've been trying really hard not to cut. It's really hard. I feel the need to cut myself. The urges won't go away. I wish they would. I don't even know why I need to cut, only that I need to.


I hate myself and I want to die. I wish suicide was possible. It's not though. I hope someone smashes into me while I'm driving or a big earthquake hits and something big enough to kill me falls on me.

one - u2

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

One

been up since before 7

Its like 9:30am now. I've been awake a couple hours and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I called Grace around 7:30. She told me to try to go back to sleep and I could call her in two hours. I feel bad about calling her so much. I'm going to ask her if we can go someplace today so I have an excuse not to go to the BBQ at John's house. I don't know why I don't want to go but I just don't feel like going today.

I'm cold. I have my blanket on my lap and my bedspread around my shoulders. I cut earlier hoping it would help me get back to sleep but it wasn't enough. I really want to cut some more but I'm trying really hard not to.

Where do we go now?

I feel so hopeless. I feel so helpless. No one can help me. Grace is so nice and spent a lot of time talking to me on the phone this weekend. I still want to cut though. I haven't since this morning.



I wish I could die without hurting anyone. I can't commit suicide. One reason is that I'd fail at it again and just end up in the hospital and not trusted to be on my own. Another reason is my family and friends. I would hurt them badly.

My internet won't stay connected and it's getting me really frustrated.

went for a hike and to the movies

I haven't cut since this morning. I didn't sleep much last night/this morning. I took a nap though. I went hiking with John and Danielle. It wasn't a long hike, only about an hour or so. Then we went to Jack N The Box. I had a chicken strips kids meal that came with french fries and applesauce. I don't know how many points it was. Now I'm eating a blueberry Special K bar. it's 2 points. Grandma was in a good mood when I left this afternoon but she wasn't and isn't in a good mood when I came home. After Jack in the box we went to Danielle's house so she could change and find her free pass to AMC theatre. Then we ran to John's house and my house so we could change pants cuz all three of us got our shoes soaked and our pants legs muddy from hiking. Then we saw United 93. I didn't care much for it and neither did they. I'm glad we didn't pay for the movie. We each had a free ticket.

I want to cut myself. I want to punish myself for going out with my friends. I want to cut because I feel lonely. I want to cut because I want to bleed. I just want to si. I don't even have to have a reason anymore.

not doing very good

I cut many times last night/this morning. I want to keep cutting. I can't think about anything else. I'm in #bus trying to get my mind off of it. I've got headphones on and music turned up. I'm writing. I don't want to bother Grace anymore. I'll probably call her later though, she told me to if I needed to. *sigh* I don't know what else to say...

guilty

Grandma made me feel really guilty and urgy. I went out with my friends even though grandma told me to stay home. My mom said I could go. Grandma wanted me to go to Kylee's performance again. I went last night. It's not my fault her friends couldn't go. It is my fault that I wasn't there for my little sister. I chose Chuck E Cheese with my friends over seeing Kylee's recital a second time. I've already cut some tonight but I want to do much worse. The whole time I was out I felt guilty for being there. Danielle wouldn't let me go to the bathroom because she read my journal and knew if I went in the bathroom I'd cut myself.

Again

Grandma's in a bad mood again, which puts me in a bad mood and I want to SI. It feels like everything is my fault. I know not EVERYTHING is my fault, but I find myself believing that most things are my fault. Grandma burned the potatoes cuz my mom and me were on the computer reading her email together. If I hadn't of let mom use my computer the potatoes probably would not have burned. If I hadn't hooked up the internet in the first place grandma wouldn't be able to complain that internet is all anyone does in this house. If I could keep my room clean grandma wouldn't ALWAYS be mad at me. I want it clean but I have a hard time keeping it clean enough for her. I'm far from perfect. She seems to expect perfection.

*sigh* I really want to SI. I really want to cut and bleed. I really really am trying everything I can not to give into the urges because I don't want to give them an excuse to lock me up. Going IP has never helped me. It just made things worse. What I need is a place of my own and some sort of treatment designed to help people not to SI.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Artist/Band: Allan Gary
Lyrics for Song: Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Lyrics for Album: Tough All Over
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Writing cuz I promised to...

Today I met with Grace and Kelly at Denny's. They made me write and sign a safety contract that said I would try to write and try calling Grace before I give into cutting. So here I am, writing. I don't really know what to say. I feel frustrated because no matter how much I clean and organize my room will still be imperfect, not good enough.

David won't shut up. He's one of the inside people. He's scaring Elly. I hate when Elly cries. He wants me to die, but he quiets down if I SI.



I've got headphones on with music playing loudly. That sometimes helps. My back hurts and I've got a slight headache. Not bad enough to resort to vicodin but I think I'll take an ibeprofin for my back....


Ok 800mg of ibeprofin go down the hole.




Hmmm, well I've tried blogging now...I can't find the write-up I was working on for e2 and that's really pissing me off. What do I do now? Call Grace? I don't want to wake her up. It's after 11pm...but maybe I'll call anyway.

Mom and grandma angry

Kelly and Grace were supposed to come today and confiscate my blades. Fortunately mom was going somewhere so she told them not to come. Mom and grandma were both angry at the idea of them coming here. I know I'm going to catch hell when they come next friday.

bad day

My mom called the clinic today. Grace and Kelly took me in the crisis room and made me show them my legs stomach, and breasts. They talked to my mom on speaker phone. The doctor changed my med from seroquil back to risperdal. kelly and grace are going to start coming to my house every week to confiscate my blades but i'm not going to tell them where they are. i've been in a bad mood all day. i wish my mom and siblings had internet working on their computer so they'd leave me and my computer alone.

santa monica - savage garden

In santa monica in the winter time
The lazy streets so undemanding
I walk into the crowd
In santa monica you get your
Coffee from
The coolest places on the
Promenade
Where people dress just so
Beauty so unavoidable everywhere
You turn
Its there I sit and wonder what am i
Doing here

But on the telephone line i
Am anyone
I am anything I want to be
I could be a super model or
Norman mailer
And you wouldnt know the
Difference
Or would you

In santa monica all the people got
Modern names
Like jake or mandy
And modern bodies too
In santa monica on the boulevard
Youll have to dodge those
In line skaters
Or theyll knock you down
I never felt so lonely
Never felt so out of place
I never wanted something more
Than this

But on the telephone line i
Am anyone
I am anything I want to be
I could be a super model or
Norman mailer
And you wouldnt know the
Difference
On the telephone line I am
Any height
I am any age I want to be
I could be a caped crusader or
Space invader
And you wouldnt know
The difference
Or would you