Again

Grandma's in a bad mood again, which puts me in a bad mood and I want to SI. It feels like everything is my fault. I know not EVERYTHING is my fault, but I find myself believing that most things are my fault. Grandma burned the potatoes cuz my mom and me were on the computer reading her email together. If I hadn't of let mom use my computer the potatoes probably would not have burned. If I hadn't hooked up the internet in the first place grandma wouldn't be able to complain that internet is all anyone does in this house. If I could keep my room clean grandma wouldn't ALWAYS be mad at me. I want it clean but I have a hard time keeping it clean enough for her. I'm far from perfect. She seems to expect perfection.

*sigh* I really want to SI. I really want to cut and bleed. I really really am trying everything I can not to give into the urges because I don't want to give them an excuse to lock me up. Going IP has never helped me. It just made things worse. What I need is a place of my own and some sort of treatment designed to help people not to SI.