Saturday, May 22, 2004

Last night, Friday night, john and Danielle picked me up and we, after stopping by Boomers to pick up Emma, went to the karaoke place they like in Upland. I do not like it there. I sang three songs very badly. "I want you", "Time after Time," and "Hold Me". There were a group at the table closest to where you sing that included 2 very inebriated men who heckled all. They scared me. I think it was the third time I sang one of them put his arm around me and I kinda freaked. "Let go of me! Don't touch me!" I had to drink alcohol. It was just one drink, a Scooby Snack, and I had to go in the bathroom and cut myself. Why did I have to do these things? Because I was trying not to lose time. Elly became though. I was mostly still aware, but not in control. In the car, on the way home, talk turned to Cancer. Danielle's mom recently found out she has cancer, and her father has to have heart surgery again. I think the conversation had turned back that way because of a new country song they were discussing, something about living life like you are dieing. I'm not quite sure because I was barely aware. Helen became. Both Helen and Elly are little ones. I had not realized that it is Helen that bears most of the memories her Pa's struggle, deterioration, and death from lung cancer that quickly spread. I do not know for sure how much else she remembers of him.

It was not one of my better days. The entire day had been a "blah" day. I felt sleepy and worn out. Slept on and off throughout the entire day. Accomplished nothing, which increased the already deeping depression. Today, it is Saturday, and I am determined to be productive. To set goals. To follow a list. To accomplish something.



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