Monday, September 19, 2005

Memory of the boy/T homework

The homework my therapist gave me triggered something inside me.  It brought back those dreams of the boy.  The memory of the boy has been haunting me on and off for many years.  
I was probably 4 years old at the time, possibly 5 but I don’t think I was in school yet, but I may have been.  My mom had left me with a babysitter a couple of times because she had to go to court with my grandma because my grandma was in a class action suit against these people that sold my grandfathers body parts before they cremated him.  I was left with a woman who lived in the same apartment building as my mom and I lived in.  The woman took me with her to the house she usually babysat for this family at.  Iremember there was a boy my age and his brother that was a littleyounger  I think there was a little sister as well but that much I’m not sure about. I know this for sure. The part that keeps repeating in my mind is this:
The boy took me into his room and closed the door. Then he said "Let's have sex" I know he really said this. I remember telling him that sex was for grown ups. He said it was okay because kids can have sex as long as it's kid sex. He said kid sex was when you left your shirts on. Where it starts getting confusing is this:
Sometimes I remember him having red hair, sometimes light hair and sometimes brown hair. Sometimes I think the little brother was in the room and sometimes I think it was just the two of us. This scene plays over and over and over in my head. I can't remember either of the boys names but I don't think I could remember their names even then. I knew the boy got on top of me and I know he undid his pants but then it's all a blank. This scares me. I don't know if he did something to me or if the babysitter came in or what. This scene plays in my head over and over: him closing the door and saying letshave sex and me saying no that was for grownups and him saying it was ok if we left our shirts on and then climbing on top of me while I tried to squirm out from under him as he undid his pants. Then it goes totally blank. I know this really did happen. I can't remember for sure what he looked like, if his brother was in the room, if we got caught, or if he did something to me. I never went there again after that day. I know I made it clear to my mom I didn't like it there but not why. I think I went away that day like I do sometimes now. I think elly came into being that day.  I just go to this other place in my head. I don't know what’s going on. I can't feel anything happening to me when I do that. My body and my mind just aren't together. I feel no pain or anything else. this scares me. I keep repeating this scene over and over and my head. I can't make it stop. I see if when I sleep. When he climbs on top of me i either wake up scared or the scene starts over from him closing the door. When I'm awake it plays over and over. it makes it hard to think straight. it's been bugging me for years but lately, once again it's been worse.

The homework was called “ASSESSING THE DAMAGE” and was a series of questions with the answers being either always, usually, sometimes, rarely, or never.  
The first set of questions is on “Self-esteem”:
I feel dirty, like there’s something wrong with me (usually)
Sometimes I think I’m crazy (usually)
I feel ashamed (usually)
I’m different from other people (always)
I feel powerless (usually)
If people really knew me, they’d leave (usually)  [If it wasn’t for Harmony and Marcie I’d feel this way all the time]
I want to die (usually)
I want to kill myself (sometimes)
I hate myself (usually)
I have a hard time taking care of myself (sometimes)
I don’t deserve to be happy (always)
I don’t trust my intuition or feelings (usually)
I’m often confused (always) [Hence the blog name “confusedalot”]
I don’t know how to set goals and follow through on them (usually)  [I can set goals just can’t follow through]
I’m scared of success (sometimes)
I’m a failure, I don’t feel capable of doing a good job (always)
I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. (rarely) [I kinda throw myself into writing sometimes though.  And I used to use school]
I’m a perfectionist (sometimes)
I’ve made up a lot of stories about my life (never?)  [I’m not really sure what this question is asking…if it means pretend lives in my mind then usually but not any that I’ve ever told another person)
I’ve done a lot of shoplifting (never)

The second set of questions is on “my feelings”:
I don’t think feelings are very important (usually)
I usually don’t know what I’m feeling (usually)
I can’t tell one feeling from another (sometimes)
I only experience one or two emotions (sometimes)
I have a hard time expressing my feelings (usually)
I have a hard time crying freely (sometimes)
I cry all the time (sometimes)
I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy (always)
I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm (sometimes)
I feel enraged a lot of the time (rarely)
I’m rarely angry.  Anger scares me (usually)
I get depressed a lot (always)
I have a lot of nightmares (sometimes)
I have panic attacks (sometimes)
If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control (sometimes)
I’ve been violent (rarely)[Never, unless you count SI as violence]
I haven’t been violent yet, but I’m worried I might be. (rarely)

The third section is called “My Body”:
I’m not “in my body” a lot of the time (usually)
I frequently space out (always)
My body often feels numb. (usually)
I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me (always)
I don’t pay too much attention to my body’s signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). (usually)
I think my body is ugly (always)
I hide my body (always)
I’m dyslexic.  I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. (sometimes)
I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should (never)
I often eat compulsively (rarely)
I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up (sometimes) [I don’t throw up]
I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn, or injure myself) (always)
I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse (rarely)
I’ve worked out to make my bod strong so I wouldn’t feel like a victim (never)
I’ve had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures (never)
I’m scared to go to the dentist.  I hate the feeling of things in my mouth (usually)
I’m scared to go to the gynecologist (always)

The next section is “Intimacy”:
I often feel alienated from other people, as if I’m from another planet (always)
Most of my relationships just don’t work (always)
I don’t have many friends (rarely)
I’m okay with my friends, but I just can’t work things out with a lover (usually)
I think I’m really meant to be alone (usually)
I’m not sure I really deserve to be loved. (always)
I don’t know what love is (sometimes)
I find it hard to trust people. (sometimes)
I think people are going to leave me (always)
I test people a lot (usually)
It’s hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else (usually)
I’m clingy with people I’m close to.  I’m afraid to be alone. (usually)
I’m scared of making a commitment.  When people get too close I panic (sometimes)
I have a hard time saying no (usually)
People take advantage of me in relationships (sometimes)
I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible (rarely)
I’ve had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser (rarely)
I’m struggling a lot with my partner (never)
Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser (never)
Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship (rarely)

The next set of questions is on “sexuality”:
I’ve been sexually abused as an adult (rarely)
I need to control everything about sex (rarely)
I have a hard time staying present when I make love.  I’m numb a lot during lovemaking. (always)
When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don’t understand (usually)
I often have flashbacks of my abuse when making love (always)
I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse (never)
Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on (never)
I’m ashamed of my sexuality (always)
I’ve sexually abused others (never)

The second to last section is “children and parenting”:
I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children (rarely)
I have a hard time being affectionate with kids (rarely)
I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids (sometimes)
I have a hard time balancing children’s needs with my own (sometimes)
I feel inadequate as a parent (never)
I have trouble protecting children I take care of (sometimes)
I tend to be overprotective (usually)
I’ve successfully protected children (sometimes)
I’m scared I’ll be abusive (rarely)
I have abused children (never)
My kids have been abused by someone else (never)

The final set of questions is “My family of Origin”:
I have strained relationships with my family (rarely)
Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) (sometimes)
I have a hard time setting limits with my family (sometimes)
People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences (usually)
I feel crazy when I’m around my family (usually)
I can’t be honest with the people in my family (always)
Sexual abuse is still a secret in my family (usually)
There’s still incest in my family (never)
I’m waiting for the people in my family to come around and support me. (rarely)



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