Wednesday, July 25, 2007

missed livingwell

I stayed up all night again. The landlord came over t his morning to try to make the toilet not run so I didnt get to go to bed until after 10am. I didnt go to livingwell group. I slept all day. I went to grandma's this evening and got spaghetti. Kylee's summer show was tonight, tommomrrow, and thursday. Dillon went tonight. Rick and Deanna went tonight (my father and his wife). Tomorrow night Marcie, Sergio, Brianna, and possibly John and Danielle are going. I'm going tomorrowfor sure and possibly thursday as well. tomorrow i have to go to the clinic. have to go to clubhouse, get bloodwork done, get my meds. friday me and dillon are going to disneyland. i went to the 99cent store today. i bought blades while i was there. they suck.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

drinking lots of water

I'm following a list with Dawggy's help. I finished the book I was reading and bought Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows. I'm on chapter 4. i've been drinkng bottled water the last couple days. like 3 bottles a day which is a lot of water for me since i rarely drink water.

yesterday and today

It was a long day yesterday. It started with a 10:15am neurologist appointment. He is sending me to physical therapy. I didn’t like physical therapy last time. I dropped my car off at Toyopros. Mom treated me and Dillon to lunch at Millie’s. I had pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Got syrup all over my shirt. Went to Costco. Spent $74.

Today I got my car back. It needed 4 tires, oil, and the sideview mirror fixed. Cost me over $300. Other than that I did nothing today. Depressed. I did manage to read some today tho. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, the seventh and last harry potter book came out at midnight. As soon as I finish Exuberance I’m going to go to wal-mart and buy it. I want to hurry up and finish this book so I can read that one.

Its almost six am and I’m not even sleepy. But I’m getting stuff accomplished. Not a lot but a little is better than usual.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn' make any difference.---Steven Wright

I did not go to clubhouse today. I did go and get my meds around noon though. My sink broke last night and they fixed it this morning. Replaced the faucet. Snaked the washingmachine hole again, and turned off the pilot in my heater. I thanked them. I managed to read a little today. I finally put sheets on my bed. Been meaning to do that all week or longer. My back hurts. My head hurts. I see the neurologist at 10am tomorrow. Sigh. I pray for Harmony to get better. I pray for my life to be over. I pray for all my friends and family to have a good day. I mostly pray for the world to end.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

"Hurt" by nine inch nails


I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

yet another depressed and urgy night

I cut a little bit a few hours ago. It wasn't enough and I desperately want to cut more. I went to livingwell group but was unable to focus onthe presentation and activities. My head is such a mess. I can't concentrate onanything. I'm never going to finish the book I'm reading. I'llnever be able to make it through the semester like this.I hope the lithium helpssoon. I pray for death and I pray very hard for the world to end.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Jeans and a bra

Today I spent the day with my mom and the twins at the Ontario Mills Mall. At the JC Penny outlet store I bought myself a pair of jeans and a bra and my total for both was only about $15. I would have bought more but couldn't find anything else in my size. Mom bought us lunch when we got to the mall. I had a fish sandwhich and onion rings from Burger King. She bought the twins about twenty pieces of clothing a piece for them to start school with. It was a LONG day. I felt very irritable. The twins got impatient. They got tired of waiting for each other to try on clothes. On our way out of the mall we went to the Build A Bear Workshop. Hannah got a vanilla colored bear with an Aurora dress and Daniel got a brown colored bear with a Buzz Lightyear outfit. They were very happy.

I still feel really depressed. I'm thirsty and hungry all the time. I know the thirst is from the lithium. I feel cranky. I feel tired. I don't want to sleep. I can't concentrate on my book. I can't focus on doing a write-up for e2. I hate myself and I want to die.

Saturday, July 14, 2007


Life sucks. I hate myself. I cut my leg just one cut but I cut it in the same spot several times and it's on the front of my leg and stings a bit. It's not on a fatty part of my leg. I just want to die. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being told the inside people are not real. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of hurting my friends and family. Sometimes I think the one big hurt of my death would be better than the many little hurts I cause by living. I'm to chicken shit to kill myself tho. I'm afraid I'd screw it up again and just make things worse again. It don't really matter, I'm going to hell either way. Dear Lord, please let it end soon...

Friday, July 13, 2007

Saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix

I never went to bed this morning. About six am I switched from chamomile tea to green tea because I had given up on going to bed. I went to clubhouse this morning and we went to the movies and saw the fifth Harry Potter film. It was good. When I got home around two pm I went pee, got something to drink, turned on my computer and checked a few things. Around two-thirty I went to bed and slept until about five-thirty. I got up and talked to mom on the phone for quite a while. I did the dishes then talked to my mom on the phone again. On Sunday we're going to the outlet mall and look for some bras and possibly some pants for me. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it and school too. I hope and pray I get financial aid and Grace is able to help me with books. I feel depressed and I want to SI. I'm worried about Harmony. I only feel a little tired. I'm hot. I had bagel bite pizzas for dinner. I talked to Harmony briefly on the phone before I ate. She was alone with the baby and he was getting fussy.

I feel so hopeless. Like nothing will work out and I'll have no way to pay for school. Like there's no point in going to school at all because I'll never be able to finish the semester, let alone get a degree or actually transfer to Cal State Fullerton to get a degree in Library Science. Sigh. Nothing ever works out for me and that's okay because I don't deserve anything good to happen for me. I don't deserve anything but pain and suffering. I wish I could leave without hurting anyone.

Yet another useless day

I spent most of the day in bed. Depressed. I read a little today. I'm currently reading a book called Exuberance: The Passion for Life by Kay Redfield Jamison that Harmony loaned me. I finished the first chapter today. I wish I could die. I hate myself. I'm never happy and when I do feel a glimmer of joy I feel guilty because I don't deserve to be happy. I wish I could help Harmony feel better. I try to be "fine" when talking to her because I know she can't handle me not being okay right now because she's not doing well at all. I'm very worried about her. I love her, she's my sis. I hope the med change helps her.

I feel so empty inside. It's like a part of me is missing. It always feels like that. One of the inside people died a few years ago and it's still not the same. I know I sound crazy. I hate myself and I want to die. I wish suicide was an option. I wish the world would end. When is Jesus coming? Will I go to heaven? I don't deserve to go to heaven. I'll rot in hell. I dont know how I'm going to pay for school. I don't know how I'm going to pass my classes.

Tommorrow clubhouse is going to the movies. I don't know what we're going to see. I don't even know if I can get myself out of bed to go. I'm going to try. I'm trying so hard to pretend to be okay but all I can think about is death and cutting. I want to cut deep. I want to bleed a lot. I want to keep cutting. I want to cut until I bleed to death. I won't do that though. I may cut but just enough to bleed a little. Just enough to get a little relief. Not enough to endanger my life.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Welcome to my Californian home

I need to find,
some kind of peace of mind.

I'm alone. I'm not completely independent though. I depend on my mom and grandma for a lot of things. I worry all the time about everything. I feel so lost.

You don’t have to call me you can leave when you want

I don't expect my friends to stick around. I don't deserve for any of them to stick around. I'm a downer, a crazy. Not worthy of love.

And we were dying from the get go

I've always felt as if I'm dying inside. I play the game, I face the day but inside I feel it's all so futile. That no matter what I do I'm slipping away.

I was dreaming but you never believed
I was trying to fit myself in the spaces between, ohhh
And you were kind and sometimes cruel
You said all the world’s love couldn’t satisfy you
And nothing could have hurt me as much as the truth

No one's ever believed I can do anything good enough. I can't do anything good enough. I try to fit in, I try to be like everyone else. I try so hard to be just one of the gals. I work so hard at appearing human. I feel so alone. It hurts that people love me because I don't deserve it. It hurts when people compliment me. It isso hard to hear anything nice said about Jennelle, about bleu`. Nothing can make me happy. The truth hurts. I always feel guilty for feeling good andslip right back into the ever deepening hole.

Love is elusive when you search for it
Don’t I know
Happiness sometimes it just creeps in
Don’t I know
I’m going crazy
I’ve been wondering
Do you still feel alone?

I will never find true love. I'll never fall in love with someone who has fallen in love with me. Once in a while I feel good, briefly. Like last night, for instance, when I discovered the new Darren Hayes song. It don't last tho. When thefeelingpasses I slip deeper into the badness. The guilt, the emptiness, the hopelessness. I feel like I"m losing my mind. I can't think straight more often than not. Am I the only one that feels this alone?

Even though I’m no good for you
There’s a part of me still waiting for you

I know it would be good for no one if I were in a romantic relationship. I know I'd wear the other person out. I know I'd suck them dry of all their love. I would ask too much of them. I expect too much out of the people that show me any caring. I take too much and have so little of myself to give. There is so little of myself at all left. I still sometimes wish for a lover. I still sometimes wish for someone who loves me in every way. I know this is bad.

Welcome to my happy ending
Even though it’s fun contending
I know
I know you can’t look back, you can never go back

I've got my own apartment. I've got an income. I'm going to school (though I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it). I've got a family that loves me. I've got friends that care deeply for me. I have semi-independence. Sometimes I miss high school though. Sometime I miss being a kid but I know that's over and there's no way back. That life is gone and long dead. :'( I miss that life.

Deep inside there’s a piece of me, there’s a piece of me
Still waiting for you to come home

Part of me still waits for life to go back to "normal". For school to start again and drama to be an important class. I expect to wake up and the nightmare of the last seven years to be over. I know though that it'll never happen. This nightmare is "normal" now. It's life. This is what my reality has become. I want to die.

There is nothing I can say
There are no good words left anyway
Besides people are cruel
And the world still moves without you


Yesterday I went to the neurologist. He gave me Amitriptyline to help prevent the headaches. I then went to grandma's house and visited a while before going grocery shopping at Stater Bros. market. At bedtime I took the medicine. Today I didnt wake up until about 1pm (I usually waking up between 10 and 11am) and have been out of it all day. TOmorrow morning we are going to Disneyland early so I'm not going to take the stupid pill tonight so that I can function tomorrow because today is a bad day. I have a headache and I'm sleepy and out of it and I want to SI so bad.

On the verge of something wonderful

A serpent, a rabbit
A walk in the forest
A tentative looking son
A feeling, a moment
A bursting of bubbles
A panic to overcome

A samurai, an angel
An eloquent table
An AC that does not work
A road trip, a car wreck
A paperback novel
A lover that ain’t been hurt

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
A resurgence, on the edge of something wonderful

For it, against it
Said he’d never meant it but Harry still dropped the bomb
A trip to the dentist, the Hollywood black list
A moment that time forgot

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
At the edge of, on the verge of something wonderful

You can dance in the devil’s shoes if you like walking heels
There’s a decent living to be made in the selling out of ideals
You can lose your way in the big city
Get distracted and lost and feel pretty

I want you, I need you
I don’t wanna please you or belong to anyone
But life is for leading, for not people pleasing
A race that has never been won

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
At the edge of, on the verge of something wonderful
On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
A resurgence, on the edge of something wonderful


Blog Archive