Monday, December 31, 2007

please hate me

I spent most of the day in bed, staring at the ceiling, stairing at the wall, staring at the clock, and at times staring at the inside of my eyelids. I got up at 9am. I was up a short while but I was cold and there was nothing to do so I got back in bed. I got up briefly a few other times but mostly I just laid there, listening. Listening to the music, listening to my computer, but mostly listening to the inside people. Most of which was not pleasant conversation.

John called around 2pm and invited me to his house tomorrow night for new years. That was because I had asked them to come over here for new years. They obviously didn't want to do that. He said he won't be drinking because he had such a nasty hangover on Christmas. I expected as much. He said he's not drinking until the first of the year if ever. He'll drink again. Possibly tomorrow night even. I may drink a little, I don't know. If they have jello shooters again I don't think I can NOT drink cuz I love those. They'll probably have peppermint martinee left over cuz they bought a big bucket of it and no one liked it but me. They all said it taste like cough syrup. I love peppermint. I probably won't get drunk if I do drink. It calms the inside people some when I do drink. If alcohol wasn't so damn expensive I'd drink all the time. Just not when I have to drive. I will never drink and drive. I make sure if I have to go somewhere where there is alcohol I either don't have any or make sure there is someone who will drive me there and home who is not drinking. That's usually Danielle.

I keep crying today. I'm so alone. There is no one who I can really talk to about the hard stuff. Dawggy just says "when you start talkin all bullshity bout your life sux etc i ignore you" "your one negative sumbitch" Sandye says "I can't handle it" . Nanny is always busy helping someone else and then goes back to bed. Like everyone else she don't have time for me. I know I can call marcie but she's got a life now and I don't want to interupt that. She seems happier now than I've ever known her. I don't want to dampin that. And thats it. When I get to my therapist the inside people don't let me talk to her. The keyboard is the only way I can express anything. If I ever lose my computer I don't know what I'd do. I know I'd cut a hell of a lot more.

I put on that mask I use to hide. the i'm ok mask. I try so hard not to talk about the bad stuff with anyone, to not even let on i'm hurting. when my friends call i'm "fine" then I hang up and cry. when I talk to my family on the phone i'm "fine" then I hang up and cry. sometimes i can't cry so i cry crimson tears instead. When I go to the clinic they ask me how I am. Whenever anyone anywhere asks me I usually say I'm ok. That don't mean shit. Sometimes I am "ok" at that moment, but not always. I am scared. I can't say anything to anyone because they'll take everything away from me. They'll put me in the hospital. Take away my music, take away my computer, take away my friends, take away even my shoelaces. I can't stand to be in the hospital and I'll do anything to get out as soon as possible. I'll lie. I'll pretend. I'll not cry. I'll hold it all in until they let me go home, then I'll hide and bleed it all out.

I hate that people care about me. I hate that people say they love me. Especially when the twins say they love me, and Daniel tells me he loves me several times every time he sees me. It makes me want to cry. I don't want anyone to love me. At least Dawggy don't say he loves me anymore. That's one down and several to go. How can I get everyone to hate me? How can I make everyone wish I was dead so that I can die without guilt? THat's what I pray for. I spend less and less time praying for God to take care of those I love and more and more time asking Him to make everyone hate me and want me dead. I pray for the Lord to please let my suffering end. Please let others pray for the end of my life. Please give me the courage to cut "too deep"


Sunday, December 30, 2007

can't take anymore

My back is killing me. Ibeprofin is not helping but that's nothing new. I'm really down. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to sit here alone either. My family is a phone call away but they are all sleeping and wouldn't know what to say to me anyways. I really really want to cut. I hate this feeling.

The year is coming to an end and here I am, alone, going to a stupid mental health clinic three days a week, and even fatter than I was last year. I almost never see my friends. They forget about me. Marcie remembers me, she talks to me when she gets online but we never really get together and do anything. I never have any money. I never will have any money. I have no future. Just the same shit every day, every week, every month, every stupid year! I don't know if I'll ever work. I have no idea what I want to do. I thought I wanted to be a librarian but I suck at all the librarian tasks and no longer look forward to working in a library. I want a job that I can work nights but I don't know of any. I have no talents. I suck at school. The only way I get decent grades is by getting everyone and anyone to help me with the assignments to the point that it's probably cheating, or is cheating. I just want to die.

I keep crying. I hate myself. I would kill myself but that would hurt my family and my friends too much, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing more harm by continueing to live like this. I'm no good for anybody. I always have been and always will be a burden. I wish all the people who love me would quit loving me so I wouldn't feel so guilty anymore. I don't understand how anyone can love me. There is nothing good about me.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of the headaches. I'm tired of the backpain. I'm tired of the hurting all over every damn day. I'm tired of the medicines not working. I'm tired of being so damn confused and forgetful. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of being told not to cut. I'm so tired of having to live with myself and all the people who live with me in my head. I do not know what to do with myself. I just want to take every pill I can find, find a sharp blade and cut until I die. Why did God put me here? To practice suffering so hell won't be so scary? I know that's where I'm going. Only humans who love the Lord, Jesus Christ, will go to heaven. I'm not really human. I do not belong in this world. I never have and I never will. I don't know where I belong. The only place I may fit in is hell.

Oh please God, please make the suffering stop! Why? Why did you let me be born? Why did you let me live to be so old? When is it going to be over? Ever? Never?

I've failed everyone who's ever expected anything from me. I'm a complete loser. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm lazy. I'm a slob. I have suffered enough already. I give in. Whatever it is you want, please tell me! Please?! Please end this somehow. I can't take anymore. I'm not strong enough. I can't do anything right and I'm tired of trying.
Please help me.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas 2007

It was a good one this year. Christmas eve day I had to go to the clinic. I was supposed to be there at 9:30am but I didn't get there until about noon. They let us out about 15 minutes early so I got my meds and went to the lobby to wait for my therapist to call me in. While I was waiting Ricardo called me in and asked me about my money situation because I spent too much on Christmas presents and had trouble paying my car insurance bill but I borrowed some money and will be able to pay it back next month with the clinic's help. After that I saw Dr. Bellman. The session was short because I couldn't think of anything to talk about because I was thinking about that night and all the stuff I had to do and of course the next day. I was in a pretty good mood. When I left there I ran by Wal-mart and got a $10 gift card to take to the party as a white elephant gift. John called me while I was looking for a parking spot at wal-mart and told me to call him when I got home because he was going to come pick me up. So I did. Then I straightened up a bit and ate a quasidilla (how the heck do you spell the word for cheese taco?). John picked me up a short while later and we went to his house and waited for everyone else to arrive. It was about 3:15. Shortly after that we started tasting the jello shots. They had two different kinds. Over the course of about 8 hours I had a few of each. I also had a couple peppermint martinees. I did not get drunk tho, unlike John.

Before everyone else got there we played Wii sports with John's nephew, Eddie. That was fun. We each took the sports fitness test. You play bowling, tennis, and baseball and then it gives you your Wii fitness age from 20-80 years old, 20 being the best. I had never played a Wii before and am also very bad at sports stuff so my age, of course, was 80. Oh well, it was fun anyways.

Eventually everyone else arrived. John got so drunk he started puking. He got sick a couple times in the bathroom before being sat on the couch with a blanket over him. He got sick all over himself and was taken outside to get some fresh air. They gave him some bread because he had refused to eat much of his dinner. That did not stay down. Eventually he was carried back inside and passed out on the couch for the rest of the night. Before that Marcie had come over for a short while. She didn't stay for white elephant or gift exchange but she did bring a few gifts. She didn't bring mine and I didn't bring hers because we are going to exchange gifts when her and her mom come over to my moms house so we can all exchange gifts.

At John's house I got a diary from Emma. I got a Starbucks gift card from Linda (Danielle's mom). John and Danielle got me a game called Last Word. They also got me 2 shirts. One is a long sleeve purple tshirt. The other is a mint green sweater with a hood. Both are very nice. They spent quite a bit on me because they also got me my headphones I like. They have a like 14 FOOT cord and volume control on the cord. They got me the warrenty too. For the white elephant game Sergio and Brianna brought a whip and nipple clips. Nobody wanted them. I ended up with them for a short while but on my turn I stole the wal-mart card from Emma. Fortunatly Brianna traded whatever it was her and Sergio ended up with with Emma at the end so she didn't get stuck with the nipple clips. Sergio and Bri will probably use them. Emma NEVER would. I was so relieved to get rid of those damn things. They're scary.

By one am Danielle (who had only a taste of alcohol, not even an entire drink, and that was early in the evening) took me home. When I got home I got online and watched tv while I poked around on the computer. I talked to nanny a while. Harmony had said she would probably be online but she wasn't so that was a bit disappointing but hopefully she actually got some sleep. Eventually I was really cold so I got under the blankets and watched tv. I set my alarm for 6am and tried to sleep. I think I slept about half an hour or so. At about five am Harmony called me to wish me a Merry Christmas. It was good to hear from her. Shortly after that I got up and ate an orange. Then I ate some toast. Then I started to get ready to go. When I brushed my teeth I gagged and threw up. That was not fun. I don't think it was from the alcohol much because it happens occassionally even without having drank.

I got to my family's home around 7am. Kylee and Dillon were still asleep and the twins were not home yet. I chatted with mom and grandma and ate some malt balls. Eventually Dillon got up and mom had me wake Kylee up. The twins were supposed to be home at 9:30am. The twins were probably driving Mando nuts to come home because he got them home at 9:10am. The twins were wearing their dressy Christmas clothes. She in a pretty red dress and he in some nice pants and a button up shirt under a nice red sweater. They were so thrilled by the presents that they didn't want to change. Mom got Hannah changed into her more comfortable Christmas clothes but Daniel would have no part of it. One of the first things they saw was the ball I got them that have a handle and you sit on them and bounce. They are green and have spongebob on them. Daniel loved his. They each got a small reclyner chair with a teddy bear that tells a four minute story sitting in them. They loved that too. Daniel could not wait to tear open the presents but mom said to wait until she got the video camera going. We did our stockeings first. We always do. I got mint milano cookies (my favorite) and some candy in mine. So did Kylee and Dillon. The twins got some candy and a couple small toys in theirs. Then we opened presents. That took a long time. There were tons of things to open. Everything the twins opened they wanted to play with RIGHT THEN. Eventually we got everything opened.

Me and Kylee each got an 80GB ipod. Dillon got a Wii and some games and accesories to go with it. Dillon also got a digital camera. Me and Kylee already had ones. The twins got kid digital cameras. They do everything the regular ones do plus they have a couple little games on them and are kid tough. It'll be hard to break those things. Kylee, Dillon, and myself all got iHomes, which are docking stations for our iPods. They are speakers, am/fm radio, and alarm clock. It's cool. I'm listening to my iPod on it now. It has a remote but I'm not sure where that is right now. My room is a big mess right now. In a little while I will start cleaning it.

All seven of us got new pillows. They are Joe Boxer brand. They seem like good ones. We all needed them. What else did we get? Quite a bit of stuff. The twins got a lot of toys. Kylee got a guitar hero game for her PS2 and 2 guitars to go with it. I got a new jacket. It's a sweatjacket that is black and says Grumpy across it with a picture of Grumpy from the seven drawfs on it. I like it a lot. I got a nice sweater too. It's one of those ones that looks like it's got a white shirt underneath. It's kinda big on me but that's okay. I got 2 packages of panities. It'll be about a week before I wear any of them tho, I started my damn period today. (Like you needed to know that, right? TMI? Oh well.) I got a black pair of jeans and a blue pair. They are size 20. I wish I wore a smaller size but all my pants that fit me are 20's and 22's. I got a 304 capacity CD/DVD organizer book. It don't hold the cases but mom couldn't find anything that did. Oh well. I got a container of monitor wipes. Dawggy suggested I ask for those. I wouldn't have thought to ask for them. They are good for the tv screen as well as my laptop screen. I haven't used it on the laptop yet cuz I'm pretty sure you're supposed to use them when the computer is off but it worked good on my tv. I didn't realize how filthy it was. I also got several pairs of cute socks. I got a U2 live concert DVD. I can't wait to get my DVD player and stuff hooked up so I can watch it and the Harry Potter DVD's I got last Christmas. I got a powersurge protector bar and an adapter for my tv so now I just need to find someone that can help me hook them up because I have no idea where to start. Kylee got me a stapler and Dillon got me the DVD game of Are You Smarter than a Fifth grader, yet another thing I'm looking forward to doing once I have my dvd player hooked up. I got another clock radio. So now I've got three things to wake me up. Hopefully I won't have so much trouble getting up now.

I got grandma some Oil of Olay lotion cuz she's always liked olay products. I also got her a gift basket of cucumber melon smelling soaps and lotions and such. It's something I would like. I got Dillon and Kylee each a gift card for I also got Kylee some pjs and gave her the gift card for Wal-mart. I gave Dillon an Angels and Airwaves poster and half a dozen little Angels and Airwaves pins. I gave the twins those balls you bounce on and each a little fuzzy ball with a face that when dropped goes crazy, vibrating, rolling, and making noise, talking and singing. They are very amusing to me. The twins got a kick out of them too. I got mom a watch, a camera, and some perfume. Unfortunatly the perfume bottle broke in the package before she could open it. I'd won it in a contest so it wasn't an expensive loss. I told her I'd buy her some perfume for her birthday, which is in March.

I spent the day with my family and we had a good time. I did take a nap there for a while tho. I then got up and helped the twins figure out lots of their new toys. Shortly after dark I went home. Took another nap. Got up and made ramen and watched tv a while then started playing with my iPod and iHome. Presents or no presents it was a good holiday. The presents were great too.

Merry Christmas all. Hope yours was a great as mine.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

the semester is OVER!

I took my cataloging final this morning. I got an 86 on it. In the class I got 971 points in the class. The teacher says that there were 1000 points possible but the website says 1050. Either way I should get an A on my transcripts for this class. In psychology I'll probably get a B. I don't know when the grades will be posted though.

I've GOT to get my Christmas presents all wrapped tonight and tomorrow because the next day is Christmas eve and I'll be gone all day. I have to be at the clinic from 9:30-2pm for IOP then I meet with my therapist after that, then Ricardo wants to talk to me. So I wont get home until at least 4pm. Then I've got to go to Johns that night, and I won't get home from there until like 2 or so. Then I'll probably stay up the rest of the night and then go over to mom's house between nine and nine thirty in the morning before the twins get home from their dad's house. Then Christmas is going to be a LONG day because I'll be tired as hell. We wont get to opening presents until about a quarter after ten. By the time we get everything opened and all the paper cleaned up and all the twins toys out of the packages and working it'll be afternoon. Then Marcie and her mom may come over to exchange presents. As soon as they leave I'm going home and going to bed that afternoon.

Friday, December 21, 2007

cans and bottles

Today I went to the clinic. I got there about 11am. Ricardo had called me yesterday and told me to come today. He gave me a box of food. Elaine (a friend from clubhouse) gave me a pretty little crossstitched pillowcase she made. Jennifer (one of the girls that run IOP) gave me a bathroom set.

After the clinic I went to grandmas house. I ate sketti. I talked to grandma. I went to the 99cent store. I came back to grandmas. Waited for Kylee to get home and finish eating. Then I took Kylee to my apartment and we filled my car completely...couldnt see out the back window and the trunk was full...of empty cans and bottles. I got a little over fifty five dollars for all of that.

Then I took Kylee home and waited for my mom to get back from buying stocking stuffers. Then I talked to mom a little and she helped me take the box of food (minus the few things that I wouldnt eat) to my car and the sketti sauce grandma gave me and a couple other odds and ends I was taking home with me (mail and a thing or two i'd left over there). Then I went home and put some of my food away, and talked to my friends online and ate two more bowls of spaghetti and got it all over me.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

almost christmas/bills

Christmas is like a week from today I think. I've spent way too much on presents and now don't have enough for my bills. I don't know what to do. I suck at manageing my money. I'm worrying about it a lot.

Tonight was Kylee's choir concert at school. Mom, me, Dillon, Hannah, and Daniel went. Kylee was good. She had one solo. She did it good. Kylee's in both choirs. They have different black dresses for each choir so like 3 times during the concert she had to run into the bathroom and change really fast. I think she was wearing the shorter, skimpier one under the other dress but i'm not sure.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

same old story

My head is killing me. Ibeprofen is doing nothing. My tooth hurts. I DID make it to IOP today. Getting home was kind of a pain because I had to back track because of the stupid construction on Valley and Sunset. I'm watching a dateline special about the Septuplets. I want to cut. I've accomplished so little today and I feel like shit. I'm cold and my hands hurt.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

yet again

I couldn't get up and I missed IOP. I've had a bad headache for a couple days now and a toothache. I went down there at like 2:30 and talked to Ricardo and got my meds from Gabby. I have to go tomorrow. After the clinic I dragged myself to wal-mart to get computer paper and flavored water. I want to cut so bad. I don't know how much longer I can keep from doing it tonight. I don't know why I bother to try not to cut. I usually end up doing it anyways. And it seems the more I try not to cut the more I end up cutting in the end.

depression and a toothache

I've been depressed today. I couldnt even get myself to care enough today to get my meds let alone go to IOP. I went to mom's house, found a box, and mailed Dawggy and Harmony's Christmas presents, but didn't even do that until like 4pm. I just hid in bed all day. Sleeping, tossing and turning, staring at the wall. I want to cut. I want to die. I just don't care any more. I have so much homework right now but I just can't make sense of any of it tonight. It's due this saturday. Theres so much to do and I can't do it at IOP cuz I have to use the internet.


I went to class tonight. We got our notebooks back. I got an A+ which helped some. I've had a toothache tonight. I've taken ibuprofen but it still hurts. I had no problems until the dentist filled the cavity, and now it hurts. Why is that? It was a little sensitive before. Now it's still sensitive but hurts and makes my whole jaw and head hurt tonight.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

another week

Another week has come and gone. I've been cold and stressed and clinching my teeth. I've had pretty much a constant headache for a while now. Dawggy's helping me follow a list. Sweeps aren't on the list. It's mostly homework, with a little bit of cleaning thrown in. Lee (my landlord) came and fixed my heater today. Now when I take a shower it won't be AS cold. It's sunday night, I've got IOP in the morning, then mom's house, then school at 7pm. Psychology of religion. I'm pretty sure we have a test. Hopefully I'll get the dishes done tonight and will fix myself a lunch to take with me, or at least fix a drink to take with me. Maybe some popcorn.

I had soup for dinner tonight. That was the first thing I'd eaten today. Since then I've ate a bit of blueberry cereal. I slept most of the day. I'm such a lazy slob. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve punishment.

Monday, December 3, 2007

sunday looking at monday

It's sunday. I spent most of the day in bed. I've got thermals and sweats on and I'm still cold. I've been cold all day. I've completed my notebook for psychology of religion. I haven't even looked at this weeks cataloging assignment or lab yet. I'll have to wait for the teacher to hopefully email me tomorrow about helping me. I'll have to do the assignment and lab (if I can figure them out) tomorrow night. It's already midnight and I still have to get ready for tomorrow. I'm following a list. Jerry got my agent working again. I've got the snottist nose lately. My hands and feet hurt. My back hurts. I've got a long day tomorrow. Mondays are always long. IOP from 9:30am-2:30pm, then moms house. Then class at 7pm. I'm getting a headache again.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

lost the fight

I cut myself. I'm such a loser. I wish I would have bled more.

I'm talking to nanny. Talking to Dawggy. Doing a list. I'm a little overwhelmed with the amount of schoool work I need to get done. I'm listening to music. I still have a headache.

Saturday, December 1, 2007


My headache has gotten worse again. I took some ibeprofen a while ago but it hasn't helped. I want to cut so bad. I'm cold. I'm frustrated with myself, angry at myself. I hate myself. I fell asleep and missed class this morning. Didn't get out of bed until almost four pm. My head hurts bad. I'm cold. I want to go hide, cut, and hide some more. I want to bleed to death but I won't cut that much.

have been busy

I have been busy with end of semestter work, sleeping, and IOP. At the clinic they put me in Intensive Out Patient instead of clubhouse. They said I only have to go 3 days instead of the usual 5 tho. So now I have to go to the clinic Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 9:30am-2:30pm. I'll see Dr. Jay every tuesday I think they said. I'll get my meds one day at a time M-W and then meds for wednesday night til sunday night on wednesdays. I'm not sure when I'll be seeing Dr. Bellmen now. Is it Bellman or Bellmen? I don't remember. Oh I've thought of something I can talk to her about. The emails from Rick. Well I'm following a list, trying to get my notebook together for psychology of religion which is due monday. I missed class again today. I haven't cut yet but it's really hard not to.


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