Saturday, October 31, 2009

week leading to halloween

So slow. Never seem to really do anything. Time just passes by.

Took Hannah and Daniel to school. Took Kylee to school. Let Dillon drive

himself to school. Grandma loaned me her gas card again. I went to the

library and got a Stephen King book called "Gerald's Game" and the Death

Cab for Cutie cd "Plans". Then went to the bank and was there for a very

long time and was charged $8 to be mailed my statement in 5-8 business days

to send to Housing Authority. It's ridiculous to charge that much for a

stupid statement and I only had about $4 in my checking so they had to get

it from my savings which now only has about $20 left in it. I hate being

so damn broke.


Took the kids to school again. It was crazy hair day for the twins school.

Kylee talks about nothing but going into the army now.


Was a long week and I took the kids to school tuesday, wednesday, and

thursday and it takes a big toll on me doing that multiple days in a row.

On friday evening Danielle invited me over. Me and her and John went and

got food at taco bell/pizzahut. I got a cheese pizza meal. Then we went

back to her house and watched tv while we ate then spent a few minutes on

the computer before going and playing Wii Play.

It's Halloween. I'll probably go trick or treating with the twins and then

John and Danielle invited me to go to karaoke with them later in the


Sunday, October 25, 2009


Been staring at this blank window not knowing what to type. I went grocery shopping after having h salt fish with my family. Kylee and Dillon were not home. It was mom, grandma and the twins. i feel like crap. I over drew my account and barely had enough in savings to transfer to get me out of the red.

I've sat here all night and all morning just staring, and crying and struggling.


I wrote the above a few days ago. I haven't been functioning too well lately. On Friday me and Dillon went to Disneyland. Mom was supposed to meet us there with the twins but did not. The twins had benchmark testing so she couldn't take them out of school early. I haven't talked to her since. Dillon seemed to be avoiding me at Disneyland. Trying to spend as much time away from me as possible. I slept all day Saturday.

Feeling so hopeless. So lonely. So anxious. Just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Been very urgy but trying so hard not to cut.

So itchy. Tired. Itchy. Anxious. Depressed. Achey. Hopeless. Stupid. Lonely. Unworthy of love.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

tired but should do stuff

I took the thw twins to school yesterday then took Kylee then let Dillon drive to school. Grandma had me give Kylee $20 because she had no cash and Kylee needed food money and I only had twenties. Then grandma gave me her debit card to get $20 out of her account to replace what I gave Kylee for my groceries money.

When I got home I went and got the mail. I came back to find my neighbor outside. He looked at my car and said that I need power steering fluid. While I was at grandma's yesterday she checked my oil and added 2 bottles of oil to it. My neighbor had pointed out a knocking sound in my engine to me a few days ago and said that he'd check my oil for me and put some in if it needed it if I got some oil. It was the day it was raining when he'd said that and I hadn't talked to him since. I'd been kind of hibernating lately.

I talked to mom on the phone during her lunch hour. She said she'd talked to mando and that he's going to let her have the kids friday so we can go to Disneyland and he'll have them two days next week. I think he's trying to get them for Halloween even though it is her year. He had them last year.

Today I should go grocery shopping and make a doctors appointment. It's been far too long since I tried doing the doctors stuff. The headaches and back pain need help. I should probably go back to the asthma doctor and the stomach doctor too. I hate doing all that stuff.

Pretty much everyone in #bus is having a hard time. It's so hard to believe that meff is really gone. His wife has to go to the funeral home today. I wish I could help her. I'm doing the only thing any of us can really do though. I'm around to talk to.

I wish I could go to sleep and this time when I wake up I really wake up. I wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream. I want to wake up and realize that my meffypoo is feeling better from the flu he had last week. That he's not really dead. That shyla still has the center of her world. I don't want to make the phone calls to doctors and start all that hassle again. I don't want to go grocery shopping. I dont want to think about anything anymore. I just want to curl up and die. Tired of the pain. Tired of the sadness. Tired of the loneliness. Tired of the hopelessness. Tired of wondering how I'll get my family Christmas presents. Tired of being tired. Just so tired.

Monday, October 19, 2009

goodbye meffypoo. how can you be dead??

Went eleven days before I screwed up and didn't write. Just plain lazyness. Didn't do anything. No writing, no cleaning. Nothing really. I slept most of the day away both Saturday and Sunday.

On saturday evening JohnJohn called and invited me to karaoke. I didn't get up until they called despite several efforts on and off for hours to talk myself out of bed. I went to karaoke with them and he paid for my Shirley Temple. I met them at Danielle's house and then Danielle drove and we picked up Emma who lives pretty close to the karaoke place they've been going to.

meff passed away 10/19/2009 at 2:52 a.m. CST - He's at peace now.

I just found out my good friend who I called meffypoo died. Rodney was such a good guy. On friday he had the flu. When I was about to go to bed sunday morning his wife shyla instant messaged me and told me he was in the hospital and had been put on a ventilator. He had pneumonia and his kidney's were failing. She asked me to pray for him and I did. And now he's gone. It was just a few days ago I was joking with him. He was so funny and so smart. Was always willing to listen and was one of those people who would talk about anything. I loved talking to him. He was so selfless. Hated to ask for anything but counted me as a friend and opened up to me and I opened up to him. He helped me with computer problems many many times. Never asked anything in return except friendship. He called me jennellybelly. I called him meffypoo. I just can't believe he's gone. Just gone. He had the damn flu. Everyone gets the flu. Shyla said yesterday it was the swine flu. even so it still was the flu one day and then two days later he's DEAD. how can he be dead? why are so many people dieing? Sergio's dad, danielle's grandma, meff...all so close together. who's next? i wish i was the one to die. i'm sick of watching as people drop like flies.

I feel torn between not wanting to be alone and wanting to pull away from EVERYBODY so that I have no one else to lose. If I have no one in my life to care about then theres no one who can hurt me (whether they mean to or not).

Saturday, October 17, 2009

day 11

Went to Night of Music from Film with mom and the twins. Grandma had made spaghetti so I had some of that before before we went. I had to take mom over to get the car from the mechanic beforehand.

It was hot today. like 97F. I want the weather to cool back down. We had one day of rain and then back up the temperatures went.

I haven't done anything around my apartment today again really. I put a new trash bag in the trashcan and threw some empty bottles in the bag they go in. Feel so tired all the time. I'm sick of being tired.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Day 10 and I have light

Ten days in a row.

I broke the lamp this morning. My landlord came over and fixed the celing light and the lamp too. I hope I got all the broken pieces of the bulb off the floor. I found one little tiny piece of glass with my bare foot and it still hurts.

I finished the book Breaking Dawn. I love the Twilight Series and want more. Now. There's a draft of a fifth book on the author's website. It's basically the first novel from Edward's point of view instead of Bella's from the discription. I haven't read the actual pdf yet though. I plan to.

I have not slept and it is after two pm. I guess I better take a nap. Tomorrow I have to go over to mom's house in the afternoon and get her to help me with the paperwork and then me and her and the twins are going to see "A Night of Music From Film" at the college. Marcie decided not to go and I haven't talked to John or Danielle since I told them about it so I doubt they plan on going.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I napped from like three until almost eight pm. I finally got around to fixing a bowl of soup around midnight and didn't shower until like three pm. I finished the book Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Didn't work on the list at all really. And it's after four am now and I'm not in the mood to work on it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

day 9

The housing inspector showed up early. Barely even came in the door. Told me to turn on the heater and I did and by the time I turned back around to lok at him he was already on his way out. I let my landlord know. I also told her about my light not working. She said she would check their schedule and call me before they come. Haven't heard back and am still sitting in this crappy darkness of my shadow with a lamp I've knocked several damn times. I don't know what I'll do if I break the damn thing.

I spent most of the rest of the day asleep on the couch. I'm always so tired. I'll probably have to call my landlord again tomorrow about my light cuz this is driving me nuts. I need to go grocery shopping soon too though. I should go over to mom's house today and give grandma her gas and debit cards back and ask mom to help me with the papers I have to send in for jury duty and for housing assistant that I can't make sense of.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

day 8

It rained all day. I took Kylee and the twins to school and then went back to grandma's house to wait for Dillon to be ready and took him to school. Grandma loaned me her gas card and her atm card. She told me to fill my gas tank and get money for groceries. I have to give her the cards back when I see her again. After I did those things I came home and laid down because I was really tired and had a headache. I set two alarms so I would get up in time for my appointment at the clinic. I got to the clinic several minutes early and it didn't take very long and I was home by 3:30. When I was napping in the morning a guy from the mental health clinic I'm transfering tocalled twice both times as soon as I'd finally gotten comfortable and fallen asleep. I have an appointment with that clinic for an intake on November 9th at 1pm.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

day 7

Mom came by when she got off work at ten am to try to get my ceiling light on but had no more luck with it than I have. I will probably have to call my landlords about the stupid thing. I'm tired but I need to be productive and clean and stuff so I didn't go back to sleep. I got up and put on socks and a sweatshirt and eventually started on my list after wasting time on facebook.

I feel depressed. I feel tired.

I cut my legs. Wasn't enough but afraid to do more because I have to go to the clinic tomorrow and don't want to chance them not letting me go home. I'm just going to get something signed or something to get me out of jury duty. I've been excused from jury duty before by my psychiatrist there. I would not be a good juror. I don't have the attention span or the ability to sit still and wouldn't be able to make sense of the evidence or make a decision if a person was guilty or not "without reasonable doubt".

Monday, October 12, 2009

day 6

The list I'm working on is

1. me
2. kitchen
3. sweeps
4. livingroom
5. breaking dawn
6. blog
7. clothes
8. sbf
9. bath/hall
10. yayas
11. want list
12. bedroom
13. wanted spam
14. floor

I tested out my new vaccuum cleaner. It works well enough. Cleaned out the

large collection of crumbs and who knows what under the couch cushions. I accidently pulled the light on the livingroom light and turned it off and now it is stuck again and cannot be turned on. I grabbed my only lamp out of the bedroom and hopefully I don't knock it over and break the damn thing.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

day 5

Today is a pretty boring day. I plugged my new vacuum in but it has to charge for 16 hours before it's ready so it won't be ready until after dawn. I'm starting to wonder what to have for dinner. I'm working on a list and watching tv.

Kylee called. She ran into John and Danielle earlier today and John asked her about the Jo Dee Mesina concert that will be at Citrus next monnth. Kylee will be working consessions for that show. I found the info online and emailed it to Danielle and then called Danielle to tell her. Danielle said she was just about to call me to invite me to karaoke. I decided not to go though. I feel bad about always letting them pay for stuff for me. They just paid for my pizza last night and also gave me a new purse. I don't have any money so I can't buy a soda and she offered to buy me one but I always feel bad for taking anything from anyone. I don't feel I deserve it. I cry alot when I'm alone cuz i feel like shit for always needing and not being able to give much of anything. I talked to Marcie briefly on the phone too before I called Danielle to tell her about the show next thursday and friday that Kylee is invovled in at Citrus. A Night of Music from film. It's a show the school does every year and Marcie was in it before with the orchastra. We'll probably go thursday night tho i'm not sure where i'll get the $10 for the ticket.

I'm itchy always again. It got a little better for a while but it's getting worse again. My head and neck have been the itchiest lately but I itch all over.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Day 4

I'm so tired. I got up by one pm and then took Dillon driving late in the afternoon. I think it was about 5pm by the time I finally got over there and we left. We started out in the college parking lot so he could get used to my car and then drove for an hour or so around town. He drove about twenty six miles or so. Then I went over to Danielle's house. We had roundtabble pizza and then watched some show called eastwitch or something like that. It was kinda dumb. then we went to starbucks and I used my gift card I still had to get a carmel apple cider. We then went and played wii play.

I got three new things today. John and Danielle gave me a new purse! It's sorta a Christmas present but we're not exchanging presents this year so it's a "we felt sorry for you" present. It's a black genuine leather backpack purse that even has a pocket for my water bottle and a pocket for my phone. They bought it at the LA county fair.

At my mom's house were two package waiting for me. Sonya sent me a box with three of the Twilight books in it. A paperback copy of New Moon and hardcover copies of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I love those books. The Hoover wet/dry handvac I ordered with my Nielson Homescan points also arrived.

My back is hurting and I'm always tired.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 3 (with a link to a shapesoap giveaway!)

I had a hard time getting up this morning and fell back asleep after mom's call and didn't get up til a second phone call made me realize it was like a quarter til seven already. Grandma was in a bad mood when I got over there. The twins were being a pain. I went home after that. Grandma told me not to come back and get Dillon that he was still asleep and could walk to school. I was in a bad mood and so was she so I went home instead of having to deal with any of them anymore than necessary. My landlord called a while after I was home to see if i was home so that her husband could come look at my heater like she said he would when i talked to her last night. He came over with another guy and determined that there is nothing wrong with my heater it was just too hot for the thermostat to work since it has to be under 90 degrees for it to work.

I napped most of the afternoon and finally got up this evening and played on facebook and added sweeps and finally started entering sweeps again and then ate a budget gourmet tv dinner.

I just entered a sweep for Shapesoap over at Leslie Loves Veggies blog. I'd love to win some of those natural soaps. I also tweeted about this contest. Everyone should check out Leslie's blog and all the cool stuff on there.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

day 2

Today has been a very long day. I left the house at like seven am and didn't get home until nine pm. Took the twins to school. then went bcack to grandma's. then picked kylee up from the college. then took Dillon to the college and kylee to the dmv with a stop before that for her to run into her girlfriend's house to get something. then kylee failed the written test twice even tho she'd passed it before but let her permit expire. Then back to grandma's. Mom got off work and picked up the twins and then I stayed with them while she went to the grocery store. Eventually mom fed the twins dinner and then sat down with them to do homework. Kylee actually came home which means she probably wants money. She mentioned going to disneyland after class tomorrow. I waited around for dillon to get done so i could go pick him up so mom could get the twins to bed so she could get some sleep. She works six days a week and has to get up at like 4am every day.

i'm exhausted and have a headache. grandma and mom have started in on me again about coloring my hair and said they will only help me with my bills if i let them dye my hair. i get a migraine from the hair color tho and would rather give up food or heat or somehting than deal with any extra pain. they say its just an excuse but they arent the ones hurting.

housing authority called me back to tell me that what i sent from the gas company isn't good enough so i had to call the landlord. the landlord is coming out tomorrow afternoon. i have to take the kids to school in the morning. my apartment is kinda a mess. my sink is full of dirty dishes but i'm just too damn tired to do anything productive.

i asked mom to pick me up a block of cheese at the grocdry store and she did. grandma gave me some butter and some milk and some frozen juices. i have to avoid grocery shopping for the month because i simply cannot afford to go grocery shopping. i hate being broke all the time. i'm tired. i'm broke. i'm a loser.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Day 1 of attempting to write daily

I'm going to try to be more consistant with my blogging. I need to start writing on a regular basis again. Writing in general. Not necessarily just rambling blogs but just writing in whatever form. I don't use my brain enough. I'm going to try to write something on a daily basis starting today. We'll see how long I can go in a row without flaking out on my new personal commitment to write daily.

Today I have to take the twins to school and probably Dillon as well. I have to take Kylee to the DMV for her 10:30am appointment to take the written test again. She let her permit expire so now has to start over again.

I'm tired but it's a quarter to four am and I know my phone will ring around six am because I have to take the kids to school. So if I sleep I'll probably have a hard time getting up. It is going to be a long day. I'm torn on whether to nap or not. My eyes are burning so I want to close t hem but I absolutely HAVE to get out the door before 7:30am and won't be back home til noon at the very earliest, and probably much later than that.

Well that's enough for now. I will try to write more tomorrow.


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