What's wrong with me?

I cut three times yesterday and twice the day before and I'm urgy still. I've been taking my meds. I've made progress on my room. Not a lot of progress, but some. I just don't feel good enough. I just don't feel good at all. I want to die but suicide isn't an option. I keep wishing when I drive that someone will hit me and kill me. I feel so hopeless. I feel so alone. I've been spending a lot of time in #bus, which helps some. Talking to Harmony helps sometimes too. Nothing but cutting actually makes me feel okay though. Even cutting doesn't always do enough. I can't cut deep enough.

Another bad day

I cut my stomach today. I'm a bit urgy again but I can make it at least a little while without doing anything. People in #bus are helpful. Mom was pissed today. It's all my fault. Everything's my fault.

I've made some progress on my room. The closet is cleaned out and a few things placed in there neatly. The floor is still missing and so is the bed. Before too long I'll clear off the bed (making the floor deeper down) and get in bed to sleep. I have to be at the clinic at about 9:30am for clubhouse and to get my meds. I missed clubhouse on wednesday because I just couldn't get out of bed so I need to get there tommorrow, well today now since it's 2am.

I'm listening to Launch (yahoo radio). I'm using my votes. I'm working on my room. I'm considering taking a shower but think I"ll wait til tomorrow to do that. I'm too anxious to deal with the water right now.

The urge is getting stronger. I wish I could just die. I hate myself. I have it made and I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate feeling the way I feel. I hate depression. I hate my skin. I hate my whole body. I hate zyprexa. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate!

I si'd again

I cut a little while ago. I was feeling hopeless and helpless and frustrated and just plain ol' upset. I cut my leg. Over an old cut. I'm feeling a little bit better now.

My room is still a mess but my family is all in bed. So I'm a bit more at peace. Not much, cuz my closet has exploded and my room was too cluttered even before that happened.

I wish I could get a node written. I just havne't been able to get in the mood to write one. I can't seem to get in the mood to do anything. I hate myself and I want to cease to exist.

outta gum and way over my calories

It's almost 1am. I don't feel the least bit sleepy. I have nothing but my thumb to put in my mouth. I'm completely out of gum and I went over my 1200 calories today by like 400. That's a major failure for me.

My hair is still wet from my shower. I don't particularly enjoy showering. I sometimes panic when I'm under the water.

I am urging to cut but I can't figure out why. Today wasn't a bad day at all. I did forget to go to physical therapy though. Just completly slipped my mind until this evening. Other than that I can't think of any triggers. I went to the gym today. I talked to Harmony, Dawggy, and his daughter Jess. I even made some progress on my scary closet. I got 2 boxes out of my room.

crucify-tori amos

"Crucify"

Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Hows it gonna be by third eye blind

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

Just sitting here

Mom is giving Hannah a bath and is going to give Daniel a bath when she's done. I should take a shower but I'll wait til everyone is asleep. That's what I usually do. I'm feeling kinda numb today. Not really depressed but not happy either. Just blah.

I've been to Disneyland Resort 5 times in the last two weeks. I'm not burn out on it yet. I can't wait to go again to the happiest place on earth. I always have fun there and it gets me away from my messy room. Going to Disneyland wears me out totally tho. That's the only downside, how tired and achey I feel the next day, but it's worth it.

I've been biting my fingernails a lot lately and I know this sounds childish but I sometimes suck on my thumb or finger. It relaxes me. I don't do it all the time, just once in a while.

I haven't been doing very good on my diet. Today I've eaten a Rollo, an Andes' mint, 2 coblets of corn, and french fries. I'm trying to stick to a 1200 calorie/day diet but it's so hard to turn down the sweats. It's really hard to go out and not buy stuff, like a churro or ice cream at Disney.

always love

Artist: Nada Surf Lyrics
Song: Always Love Lyrics


To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love? Hate will get you every time
Always love? Don?t wait til the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love? Hate will get you every time
Always Love?Even when you wanna fight

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it?d be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you've been dealt, you...

Always Love? Hate will get you every time
Always Love? Hate will get you?

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said?
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me...
Always love?hate will get you every time
Always love?hate will get you?

I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones

Happy Easter

I got a new shirt, the new Rascal Flatts cd, a Verizon phone, and a bunch of candy for Easter. I'm doing pretty good today.

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Rascal Flatts - When The Sand Runs Out Lyrics

I spent the morning at an old friend's grave
Flowers and Amazing Grace, he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin' his wheels
Never knowin' how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye
Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out

That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

Birthday

I had a good birthday. Mom got me a backpack purse and $25 dollars. Kylee and Dillon each got me a Rascal Flatts’ cd. John and Danielle bought me 2 pairs of workout pants and a shirt. Marcie bought me a hot/cold pack thingy that smells good. I ate 4 pieces of pizza and when we got home I ate a large piece of my chocolate/mint and chip ice cream cake. Tomorrow I’m going back to counting my 1200 calories and going to the gym.

It's my birthday

I went to the clinic this morning. Elaine brought in blueberry bread/cake for my birthday. Several people sang to me. Everyone thought they had to hug me. Caroline gave me a pretty felt bag. Maggie gave me some sticks you put in your hair. Later this evening we're going to Chuck E Cheese's. John, Danielle, and Marcie are all going to go too. My mom and siblings are all going too and I think my aunt Robin and her two daughters are going too. After that I get chocolate cake with mint and chip ice cream from Baskin Robins. I'm not counting calories today.

I'm baaaaaaaaaacccckkkk

For a long time I have been unable to complete anything. In fact, I could barely even start anything. But now I've accomplished a couple of e2 nodes and working on a couple more. I need 29 more to reach L7, which I made a goal at the beginning of the year to complete by the end of this year. That's going to be easy now, as long as I stay out of the deep rut I've been in.

A lot has been happening in my life. My breasts have been leaking a clear fluid so I went to the doctor about it. He sent me for blood work and a mammogram. I didn't get a mammogram though, the doctor there said I was too young and it wasn't neccessary I get one. They did an ultrasound instead. I have an appointment in a few weeks to go back to my new family doctor for the results of the blood tests.

I've been so exhausted all the time lately. Maybe it's part of having hormonal problems, which is what the doctor at the breast clinic said was the cause of the discharge from my breasts.

Kylee's taking over my room

I'm feeling really aggravated right now. Every time I stop using the computer for a few seconds, such as to look at my tv, (which, by the way, Kylee has now taken over) Kylee says things like "Can I use the computer since you're not using it?" I am using it damnit. This is MY room and MY computer. I paid for the computer and I pay rent every month to keep this room. I know Kylee doesn't have a room of her own but that's mom's fault, not mine. I just want to be left alone. I don't like her sitting behind me. I don't like being pressured to either use or get off my computer. It's MINE! not Kylee's or anyone elses. I can't ask her or tell her to go away. She'll get mad and go pout or cry, then grandma will be mad at me.

I want everyone in this house to just leave me alone and I want Harmony to get her butt off the couch and come talk to me. She went to take a nap like right before I got home from picking Kylee and Dillon up from school.

I'm hungry and I'm cranky. I'm fat and I have no energy. I want to be left alone and Kylee is taking over my personal space.

I just told Kylee "Why don't you go in grandma's room, there's nobody in there" and she slammed my remote control down on my printer and stormed out of the room. Now I feel guilty but I'm not going to go apologize to her. That'd just make things worse. I'm sorry I'm such a selfish bitch.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals

I haven't been getting much done lately. I was going to take Kylee and Dillon with me to turn in the cans and bottles. Kylee decided to go to the movies with her friends. Every time there's a bit of time to get something done she runs off with her friends. Can't say I blame her, but it's frustrating for me. I want to get these cans and bottles turned in before mom and grandma throw them out.

I feel a bit down and lonely today. Harmony and Dawggy haven't really been online today, and they usually get on by now.

Plumber

Today grandma called a plumber because when Kylee and Dillon took a shower the kitchen flooded. I need to take a shower but who knows if this guy is going to be done today.

Under my desk is wet. At first I thought a dog had peed but there's too much water there for that so it must be the shower causing it.

A quiet, cold day

The school and the clinic were closed for Martin Luther King Jr's today so we were all home. Everybody just kinda did their own thing. I spent most of the day in bed but not sleeping. I was very cold and down today.



I can't get the sound or internet working on Kylee and Dillon's new computer. The internet problem will be fixed but mom had to order cable internet (I have DSL) to get it to work. They're coming out Thursday, I think, to hook it up.

Dillon's birthday

Today was Dillon's 15th birthday. We went to Sizzler for dinner. Mom ordered him an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins yesterday and we picked it up on our way home. It's white cake and strawberry ice cream.

I cut myself again. I feel so useless. I can't even get Kylee and Dillon's brand new computer online. It may be the wireless adapter that's the problem, but it appeared to work fine on my computer but it may have been the internal wireless thingy that connected me and not the adapter.

I'm cold and not in a very good mood. I have things to do on the computer and my room is a mess but I'll probably spend most of the night staring at the tv from under my blanket on the bed.

Kylee's recital and other things

I'm sitting here listening to Darren Hayes' album, The Tension and The Spark. We (mom, Dillon, the twins, and myself) to Best Buy today and bought a computer for Dillon and Kylee. It came up to $1054 I think. That means I don't have to let them use mine all the time, so this is a good thing.

Last night we went to Kylee's musical theatre recital. Kylee did really good on her song, "Everything's coming up roses" even tho she hates that song. John and Danielle came to see it with us. Dillon went to a friend's house instead. After the show John, Danielle, myself, and Kylee went to Denny's. We laughed a lot. I'm down to almost nothing on my spending money for the month.

I cut today. Just 50 scratches really, on my upper legs. Stings a little. I want to cut deeper, I want a sharper blade. I need to cut more.

Just another night

I didn't do much of anything today. I picked Kylee and Dillon up from school, layed on the bed a lot, used some of my votes, and caught up on LifeSIGNS email. I ate spaghetti for dinner and some fruit cocktail and a piece of chocolate for dessert. I haven't taken a shower yet, but someone else did, I think Kylee, and hasn't come out yet.


Tommorrow I have to be at the clinic at 9:30am for clubhouse and then stay there til 2:30. Between 12 and 1 I just sit and wait for the Living Well group to start. I hope I'm not as tired and achey as I am today. I get so stiff when I stay in one position for too long (which isn't very long). It's harder to do things like pick up one of the twins, or pick something up from the floor. It's not as bad as yesterday though.

i'm acheing and exhausted

Yesterday Danielle and John and I went hiking. It was supposed to be a fairly simple 6 mile hike, 3 miles to the waterfall, 3 miles back. Danielle had gone hiking there a few years ago, while she was in high school still. At that time there was a road up the mountain to the trails. Well a couple years ago they closed that road to the public and never reopened it. That road is a steep uphill 3 mile climb. That was exhausting but we kept on going. We found a trail that led to the waterfall. It was a 4 mile hike there and 4 miles back. Then there's the 3 miles down the mountain. 14 miles total. We had to cross creaks several times. I, of course, have problems with balance so I slipped off of the rocks and soaked my shoes, socks, and lower legs. If JOhn wasn't so great about helping me I'd have fallen on my butt several times or gone face first down steep hills. John always goes much slower than he can go to help me try to keep up. Danielle stops as well and lets me catch up. John is a gentleman out on the trails, always holding my hand and guiding me through the difficult parts of a hike. I did fall to my knee at one point crossing the creak but I would have fallen several times without his help. On the way back up from the waterfall both patiently waited for me while I stopped many times out of pure exhaustion. My back and legs hurt so bad I just couldnt' walk anymore but stopping every few minutes with their constant support helped me get up that long hill. Once we were heading down the long road toward the car I was ok.

We walked and walked until we got to a pretty, natural waterfall. Once there we sat down on some rocks near the waterfall and ate the subway sandwhiches they had bought that morning (I gave Danielle the money for mine at dinner). We put them in my backpack and John and Danielle took turns carrying the backpack with the sandwhiches and several bottles of water. I offered to carry it some of the way but they knew my back hurt and didn't let me. I am thankful for that.

After the hike we went to Daneille's house for a little while before going to Burger King for dinner. I ordered a soda and some onion rings and ate the other half of my subway (cheese only) sandwhich. After that the three of us went to Starbucks because John's mom had given us each a $10 gift certificate for there for Chrismas. I got a medium (grande?) hot caramel apple cider.

When I got home I went to bed before being home very long. Probably 630 or 7pmish. I woke up at midnight, ate something, and took a shower. I then stayed up and took care of some things on the computer and watched some tv and went back to sleep around 3:30am.


Today I had to go to the mental health clinic, as I do every monday, wednesday, and friday. I was late getting there becuase I got ready this morning and layed down for "just a minute" and fell back asleep. So I left the house about 10 minutes later than I shoudld have. If my mom hadn't of woke me back up I wouldn't have gone at all. I saw Kelly, my therapist. She's the best therapist I've ever had. She always dresses uniquely. Today she had extensions in her hair. She encouraged me to blog more so that's why I'm writing this entry today. She could tell I was exhausted and in pain. I should be smart and not go hiking because I know the next day I feel like a big piece of elephant poop. I hurt all over. It even hurts to breathe. my legs and the bottom part of my butt hurt the worst, my upper and lower legs hurt too and of course my back hurts. It takes a lot of effort to sit or stand up. I tried to take a nap when I got home but didnt get to sleep long. I spent most of the afternoon and early evening in bed trying to sleep. Just about every time I'd just get comfortable and sleepy someone would come in my room. I hate days like that, which is most days.

Well I've been sitting in one spot as long as I can so I'm going to go lay down for a bit after I get something to drink. I'll have to get back up in a while to finish my votes on e2 and try to play catch-up with LifeSIGNS.

Am I tired or lazy or what?

I haven't felt like doing anything lately. It's a challenge just to get on the computer. I do very little of anything anymore. I lay in bed as much as I can. I flip channels on the tv (we've got cable now so there's more channels to flip through) or try to sleep. There are things on the computer I feel obligated to do (use my votes on e2, keep up with the LifeSIGNS board and email since I'm a Director, check my emails, write for e2, etc). I've only been doing some of those things.

I hate myself. I want to cut. I haven't been cutting lately but the urges are just building up worse and worse. I don't want to live anymore because I have no purpose or usefulness.

"Blank Sheet Of Paper" By Tim McGraw

I'm just a blank sheet of paper
This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry
For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness
For leavin you alone

He's been lookin down at me
It seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen
It's like he can't decide
What he wants to say
If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way

But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now its one hour later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

The sunlight is comin through the curtains
He's almost asleep pen in hand
There's a tear in his eye
That refuses to fall
If it would land on me
That would say it all

But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it's four hours later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

Oh but he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he wants you back again
One broken heart later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

Kill myself by Tim McGraw

"Kill Myself"

I'm gonna clean the house
I'm gonna fix the fence
In my final hours
I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

I wont leave a note
For anyone to find
Tomorrow they'll know
What I've done here tonight

[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself

Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there

And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive

[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I have to kill myself

Gonna clean the house
Gonna fix that fence
In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends