not having a great night

I feel depressed and urgy but I shouldn't. There's no reason for me to feel so shitty. I just want to cut and make myself feel better. I havent cut in a long time, weeks. School went ok this first week. I've been studying. My room is a mess which is frustrating becuase I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to put stuff. I want to put my stuff in my own place but that's probably never happen.

*cries without knowing why*

my throat hurts

I have a sore throat and a bit of a cough. I think it's just post nasal drip. I hope its just pnd and not something else that'll last longer. I started school yesterday. The Children's Services class don't look too frightening. The other class, Audio/Visual, starts tomorrow night (well it's after midnight so technically it starts tonight). That one feels scary. We'll find out soon enough how bad that one is.

just hold on

BOYZ II MEN LYRICS

"Just Hold On"

I know you've been going through some things
The pain you hold inside's written on your face
I know you're 'bout tired of the rain
Well, baby, so am I, but I know things can change
Well, you can die, you can sigh, you can cry, to your midnight blue
But that's not you, no, no
Cause I know you're stronger
It's apparent to me so do you

[Chorus:]
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know you're nervous
I know, but baby, give it some time
Things will go your way, my love
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know that you're nervous
Baby, give it some time
Things will go your way

I know it's been heavy on your mind
Baby, give him up, he's not worth your time
Where is it that says you need a guy
Well, you don't need his love to justify your life
So, he can go, let him go, make him go
You should want him to
So can you
I know that you're stronger
It's getting clearer to me
So do you

[Chorus]

So, don't let your defenses down
I know that somehow you'll work it out
I know
You should just believe in yourself, yourself

[Chorus]

I know
I know
[Fade out]

Narcolepsy- Ben Folds

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what i mean
Yet
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep
But I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I Swear
I don't remember all last year
I left you awake to cry the tears
While i was dreaming
Oh I'm drowning
Save Me
Wake Me Up
I should warn you
I go to sleep
You won't know when
I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I just sleep

Why Georgia

Artist: John mayer
Song: Why Georgia
Album: Room For Squares


I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

Desperately wanting to be productive

I've been trying and will continue to try to hide how deep the depression I'm stuck in is. I have to be strong, especially with Harmony. She's going through the worst days of the year for her, the days after her son goes back to West Virginia. She's in a very very deep depression. I have to do what I can to support her. It doesn't matter how I feel. I love her like a sister.

I spend most of the day in bed. I'm not always asleep I just do not have any motivation to get up and do something. Everything is a chore, even getting on the computer, which is what keeps me going most days, feels like a chore sometimes lately. I've been missing clubhouse and SIA (though I did go this week thanks to Marcie), and I haven't been going to the gym. I feel my life is a waste. I feel like giving up completly. I'm hopeing that starting school in a couple weeks will give me a purpose and help pull me out of this hole that seems deeper and deeper with each passing day.

It doesn't help matters that I have $10 in the bank. I can't afford to live on my own. I can't even afford to live with grandma. All I pay here is $300 including utilities and most of my food. How in hell will I be able to survive on my own? I desperately want to get out of here before grandma kicks me out. But everything is so expensive. I'm afraid I'll never be able to live on my own because of money. I'm sure I could live on my own just fine besides the being in debt part. I can take care of myself. I just don't have the money to do it.

two worlds

Two Worlds Lyrics
Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lies we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this worlds blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace

Softly tread the sand below your feed now
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

Beneath the shelter of the trees
Only love can enter here
A simple life, they live in peace

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But danger's no stranger here

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
Tu guide these lives we see

Where You Want To Be

This video made me want to cry. I miss the Savage Garden days and the friend's that I met through the online community of SG fans.

missed clubhouse

I couldn't get myself out of bed this morning so I had to go down to the clinic in the afternoon to pick up my medicine. I should have went to the gym while I was out but I didn't. I wish I could just go to bed and never get up again. I'm tired of struggling through each long day.

It's too hot

The last several days it's been over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, it was only about 102 today (only?! haha) but yesterday it was over 110. I'm so hot that I barely move. I'm hot, depressed, tired, thirsty, and lazy. My room is about as messy as it has ever been and mom and grandma are bitching about it but I just can't get myself to do anything. Even getting on the computer is a chore lately. I hate myself. I cut today. Nothing bad, just a few scratches. I've wanted to do more all evening but am too hot to put on dark clothing in case I get blood on my clothing.

I've got my headphones and am listening to Savage Garden rather loudly and singing along with it. Fortunatly when I do that I can't hear my self sing if I turn the headphones up high enough. This is a good thing because I'm a terrible singer.

I havne't been able to quench my thirst today...sodas, kool-aid, oj, flavored water...still thirsty. We don't have any cold bottled water and I hate warm water and I hate tap water.

Both of our refriderators are on the brink so nothing is kept very cold. It sucks and we don't have enough money between the three of us (mom, grandma, myself) to go buy one new fridge, let alone two. I've got like $13 in the bank. I don't know what I spent all my money on.

.gifs

I cut again today

Mom went off yelling at everyone again today and I cut myself because I couldn't please her. It's my fault, not hers. Everything is my fault. I'm such a loser.

Today I registered for school. Let's hope I don't drop or flunk out again. I went to the financial aid office and turned in a paper they sent me in the mail. I was in line there for like half an hour.

I went to the gym for half an hour

That's pretty much all I did today. The hot sun gave me a headache.

Spiders

I hate spiders. I found a big one crawling between my toes and a small white one on my arm within a few minutes of each other. I know they were real. I've been seeing spiders all over my room and feel them crawling on me.

My mom had a melt down today because we don't help her enough. I went in my room and cut myself. I still want to cut more. I want to cut the spiders away. I want to cut the feelings away. I want to make the world go away, even if it's just for a short while.

I'm supposed to register online tommorrow (well today now that its almost 12:30am) for Citrus. I'm also supposed to see my therapist at nine am. I don't know if I should skip therapy and register or just register later. I'll let it depend on what time I get woke up in the morning. Sandye and a busser both said I should skip therapy and register at nine so I'm sure to get my classes. I don't know what to do.

Haven't had the words

I have not journaled, blogged or done much writing of any kind lately. I just haven't been able to get words down. I've been pretty down lately but I haven't cut since either tuesday or wednesday. I've found myself hopeing for death. I want someone to smash into my car while I'm driving alone. I want to fall in a pool and drown. I want to get run over. I want to slip and fall in the shower and never wake up. I just don't want to live anymore. The thing is, suicide isn't an option for me because it would devestate the people that love me. I know there are people who love me. I sometimes wish there wasn't so I could die without guilt. But, due to having friends and family that have told me they care about me, I can't take my own life. I just have to wait for God to decide it's my time to go. All I can do is hope that time comes soon.

I worked at the library bookstore today and didn't go to the gym again. I didn't go at all last week. I had an excuse everyday, doctors visits and such. I worked at the library this monday and the gym was closed tuesday for 4th of July. I went yesterday for only half an hour and today I worked at the library and didn't make it to the gym.

urgy and don't know why

Today I slept until about 4:30pm. Thats when Harmony called. I woke up very sore. Yesterday I was up at 6am. Marcie and I went to the Self Injury Anonymous meeting in Passadena. After that I dropped her off at her church. Then I went home for a while and took a 2 hour or so nap. Then I got up and got ready to leave again. I had to drop Kylee off at her girlfriend's house and then pick up Marcie and go to John's nephew's (Eddie) 6th birthday party. They had a giant water slide and most of the adults, including myself and my friends, all went on several times. We had fun. After that I ran home (taking marcie with me) and changed clothes then headed off to karaoke. We were at karaoke until about 1am then I took marcie home and went home, did a few small things, and went to bed a little after 2am (I think).

Right now I'm urgy to cut but I'm not sure why. I just feel this need to bleed. I'm not real anxious. I'm not really angry. I am a bit depressed and feel purposeless. My internet isn't working very well so I can't really keep up with the chatroom or read stuff on e2 cuz it takes forever to load. I want to bleed to feel human.

Lasted a week

I cut today. It was the first time I SI'd in a week. I want to SI more. Everyone in my house has been in a bad (angry) mood. I just couldn't stand the way I was feeling and I gave in and cut.

My mom told me today that she's looking for a place to move to and grandma said when she moves I have to move out too. I need to talk to Grace. I need out of this house sooner rather than later. I can't take much more of this life here in this house. Everyone walks on eggshells around here. Everything anyone does pisses off grandma or mom or both. I just wish I could die.

one am

Marcie, John, Danielle, and I went to La Fiesta for karaoke. We got home like an hour ago I think, or at least half an hour. We had fun.

I still want to cut. Grandma made my mom cry earlier and I feel like it's my fault that grandma was mad.

I've got a headache. I've been having a lot of headaches lately. I think most of them are cauased by my sinuses now that I'm out of sinus medication. I should make an appointment with my family doctor and ask for something for my allergies.

Hot

It's hot today. I haven't written much lately. I went to Disneyland on tuesday with Elaine, Christine, and Robert from clubhouse. We had a good time. We went to both parks and went on several rides. We saw Fantasmic and the fireworks show. We played Uno while we waited for the shows.

good enough - hoobastank

Artist: Hoobastank
Album: Every Man For Himself
Year: 2006
Title: Good Enough Print
Correct


I only wanted you to feel,
How I thought you deserved to feel.
The way you always said you wanted to.

You wanted all we have to be real,
And every word we say to be true.
Still after all I gave it's not enough for you.

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

I only wanted you to see,
That you can be who you wanted to be.
And fill the lonely void inside of you.

I gave you everything that you need,
Did what you always wanted to do.
Still after all I've done I can't get through.

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

Good enough!

I've wated my time!
Go find someone!

Good enough!

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

Enough, enough, enough!

Knott's Berry Farm yesterday

Me, Danielle, John, Jolie, Eddie (Jolie's John's sister and Eddie is her son) and John's cousin Julie, one of her sons and her husband, all went to Knott's yesterday. We went because Julie had a company picnic there. They let us all in with her so we had free lunch. I had a piece of chicken, two rolls with butter, and some ice cream and of course soda. I dumped one of my cups of Mt. Dew all over my lap. Besides that it was a pretty good day.

Julie had a handicap due to a car accident and rented a scooter. We didn't wait in any lines because we got to go in the handicap entrance. We went on a lot of rides including: xcelerator, Timberline Twister, Camp Bus, Lucy's Tugboat, Jaguar, Montezooma's Revenge, Dragon Swing, Hat Dance, Ghost Rider, Timber Mountain Log Ride, Silver Bullet, Big Foot Rapids, and Wilderness Scrambler(twice). We also saw Mystery Lodge.

I can't take anymore of grandma's bitching

I'm crying. I can never do anything good enough so why should I even try to do anything in the first place, since I'm just going to do it wrong or not good enough. I hate my life. I feel guilty when I leave the house for any reason, grandma makes sure of that. I want to cut soooo bad. I'm trying to at least wait until everyone goes to bed first tho. I don't know if I can go that long. I can't stop bawling.

I don't know what to do. I just can't take it anymore. I just want to die so I never have to do anything wrong again.

Haven't cut since yesterday morning

It's been a pretty "normal" day today. I went to clubhouse. I saw Grace. She gave me a Vons $50 gift card. I used it. I went to the gym but was/am achey today so I only did the machines and not a video. I made dip and ate almost the entire thing. I talked to LostWarrior, Kiana, and of course, Harmony. I'm really tired today. I've got a headache. I didn't do anything particularly exciting really today and don't have any plans for tommorrow except to go to the gym.

3am - Matchbox 20

MATCHBOX 20 LYRICS

"3 AM"

She say it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
She's always worried about things like that
She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it's stopped raining

[chorus]

Away from the sun - 3 doors down

3 DOORS DOWN LYRICS

"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone...

it's hot

It was 100 degrees today. It's after midnight, I've got my fan on high and I'm still sweating.


Mom went with Kylee tonight to Kylee's banquet. She recieved her letter for choir and drama. She also became a thespian. I'm very proud of her. I didn't get to go because I had to stay home and help grandma with the twins. The twins were not on their best behavior. Grandma bitched the entire time mom was gone. I ended up cutting myself not long after mom finally got home. Dillon was at his friend's birthday party.

I can't stand being around grandma anymore. She's just so hateful. She makes me feel terrible. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to live at all, really. I hate myself and I feel totally stuck here in this house with grandma's constant bitching. I think I'd want to live if living on my own was an option.