Writing prompt - Asimov writes, I.....

Isaac Asimov was born in Russia on January 2, 1920.  In the book "Writing Down the Days: 365 Creative Journaling Ideas For Young People" by Lorriane M. Dahlstrom one of the prompts says:

Asimov really likes so write.  He likes it so much that he does it every day.  Write about something you like to do so much that you'd be willing to do it everyday.  Tell why you like this activity, how long you've liked it, and describe any special materials or things you need to do it.

There are several things I like to do enough I would be willing to do it everyday.
One is reading.  I pretty much do read every day.  A great variety of things.
Another is farmville.  I play farmville every day and am currently at level 86.
Someone I wish I could do every day is Disneyland.  Well maybe not EVERY day but several times a week.  That would involve way more money than I have, and living closer.  I currently live about 45 minute by freeway from Disneyland Resort.  It would also require a better physical condition than my body is in.  I wouldn't need to spend ALL day there but a few hours at a time several times a week would be lovely.  I love the environment there.  It's kept clean, and people are all there to have a nice time.  The people who work there are overall exceptional and make my day all the better.  I always am in a better mood there.  And every time I go, no matter how often, there is something new to experience.

Counting down!

Cleaning cleaning cleaning

I have organized my closet.  I have moved the bed, cleaned out everything under it, dry and wet swiffered where the bed sits and put the bed back.  I've cleaned out the corner between the dresser and the nightstand, moved the night stand out and cleaned the floor there too and put the nightstand back.  I've organized all the dresser drawers. 

There's still a million things to do...in every room.  The inspector comes tomorrow morning.  I have a matter of hours to get the apartment looking spic and span.  I started my bedroom before I got the letter but it's taken a long long time to get anywhere. 

I've got all the dishes washed at this point. 


I'm trying to get my whole place organized, starting with the bedroom.  I've made progress finally.  So much is left to do in there tho and everywhere in this place. 

On top of the organizing tho I need to clean.  And the cleaning needs to be done TONIGHT since the letter I received from Housing Authority says:

"This notice is to advise you that a housing inspection will be conducted on 07/21/2010 between 7:30am and 4:30pm"



Things that must be done before the inspector arrives:

• Clean tub
• Clean toilet
• Clean mirror
• Clean bathroom sink
• Clean kitchen sink
• Clean stove
• Clean bathroom floor
• Clean kitchen floor
• Straighten livingroom
• Straighten kitchen
• Hide dirty laundry
• Empty bathroom trash
• Take all trash out
• Make bedroom presentable
• Straignten hallway
• Clean counters
• wipe off washer and dryer
• Wipe down inside fridge?
• Swiffer livingroom?
• swiffer bedroom?
• Make myself presentable (get dressed, brush teeth and hair, etc)

TAWCTTHP:W. DIYL. HARFMOTP, AHYMSTCAPOTF. DIDTTI, TD, ATHFTHCA... WTHTIWBASOJAITATW.

Fifty five years ago Disneyland opened.  I so miss having the luxery of going there often.  It's been 7 and a half months since my last visit to the Happiest Place on Earth.  No one understands that for me it truly is the Happiest Place on Earth.  I need that escape.  But I can't afford it.  I can't afford anything.  I feel guilty for even having the air consditioner on yet again even though I've used it most of the day today and most of the day for the last week because it gets so hot I end up covered in sweat and my computer doesn't work and wiith the housing inspector coming on Wednesday I really need to get this place cleaned up and just can't do that when I'm too hot.
I'm depressed.  I'm hopeless.  I'm always in pain and there is no doctor for me.  I tried figuring out the stupid medi-cal packet but can't.  I tried getting help but there is no help.  So I have no doctor and will not be getting a doctor and so I will just continue to be in pain.  Life just sucks.  I try really really hard to pretend everything is ok but it's not and never really is.  No one understands how exhausting it is for me.  I'm sorry.

4th of July

It's July now.  Fourth of July pretty much sucked but I pretneded to enjoy myself as best as I could.  Danielle finally called about 4pm and I then had an hour to get to her house.  My mom said if I stopped by her house on my way she would give me some money so I got $20 so I could have some dinner or pay admission to whereever it was we were going...though no one really gave me a straight answer about where that was.  I got over to Danielle's just a couple minutes past 5pm and then a few minutes later Danielle, John and I went and picked up Emma from the fireworks stand she was working at next to Toyopros to raise money for her church trip to Thailand later this month.  Then we went to Goofios house.  All this time we'd been rushing around to get to Goofio's house only to sit around and wait and wait for Brianna and Goofio to finally actually get ready and leave.  Then John, Danielle, Emma, Goofio, Brianna, myself and some guy I dont know that was over at their house walked a few blocks to some school I guess it was that was having a carnaval and fireworks show.  By the time we got there it was only about 5 minutes until the show started and they'd stopped charging admission.  They wanted to play at the carnaval and so we did not have a very good spot to hear the music that went with the fireworks and I guess it was the grass has my eyes burning and my sinuses acting up as well as some of my friends.  Eventually after the show we managed to get everyone to walk back to Goofio's place and then eventually got them to leave to go get food since some of us had not eaten dinner.  We ended up at Denny's.  I had french toast with strawberries on them from their $2,4,6,8 menu.  The conversations there just left me feeling more left out and depressed.  They talked about 401ks, their retirement plans, their health coverage, etc.   They also talked about John and Danielle's upcoming trip to Hawaii.  Goofio talked about going to Vegas soon.  Blah blah blah.  I, as usual, cried when I was finally alone again.

Being with others just makes me feel even more alone and crappy.  I hate life and I hate myself.  The talk of the damn reunion didn't help anything either.  I'm such a loser. I wish I could disappear.

blah

My computer is a piece of crap which I'm sure is my fault since every computer I've ever had was a piece of crap.  I sent it to Toshiba and they sent it back without really doing anything.  All they did was reset it to windows vista AGAIN.  Not helpful.  We'd done that twice already without solving anything.  I just give up.  On everything.  I'm so fed up and broken.  Life just plain sucks.  Every day and every night I wish I could just die, cease to exist.  I'm not good enough and I just make life harder on everyone.




I don't have that option tho.  I'm stuck here on this earth in this life going through the motions.  It sucks but life sucks.  That's just how it goes.




I'm sick of feeling like i'm begging just to get someone to spend a tiny bit of time with me.  No one has time to deal with me.   i dont know what to do anymore

My brother Dillon on Jimmy Kimmel

He can sorta be seen several times but at 1:51-1:53 into the video is a close up of Dillon watching his favorite band perform.  Not quite 15 minutes of fame but 2 full seconds on national tv ain't bad.

"HURT" by NIN also performed by Johnny Cash

WARNING:  May be triggery.  

This song is how I feel.  I don't do drugs and never have but I do self-injure.  A needle doesn't tear a hole for me but a blade does.  

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feeling disappears

You are someone else

I am still right here

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

What it means to me:

I hurt myself today 

To see if I still feel 

I focus on the pain 

The only thing that's real 

I made myself bleed because I needed to feel something.  The sting of the blade on my skin is the only thing I know for sure is real.

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

I don't want to hear anyone say that I can't do anything to make them leave.  I don't want to hear that you'll be my friend forever because you won't.  Everyone will get fed up with me and cut off all contact, just sort of drift away or will die and I'll be alone as it's meant to be.  The less contact I have with anyone the better because the less it'll hurt in the end when they're gone.

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I am always letting people down.  I'm always hurting people.  I don't mean to.  I try so hard to be just how people want me to, and do what others want but I just can't do it.  I'm just not good enough.  

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Yes I have a negative attitude and I know it but I have tried to be positive.  I really really have tried but I just can't find anything to be positive about.  I cannot stand to be called a liar but me acting positive is lying.  I'm not positive.  I'm NOT happy.  I try so hard to be but it is not the truth.  My head is all messed up.  My thoughts get all mixed up and I can't fix it.  

Beneath the stains of time

The feeling disappears

You are someone else

I am still right here

Time keeps moving.  I'm not.  Everyone moves on.   I'm left behind.  All my long time friends have gotten lives and interests and I have nothing.  I just sit at home staring at the wall.  I have disappeared and no one even cares.  

New template

Was tired of my old blogger template so played around a lot tonight with templates and finally settled (at least for now) on a Finding Nemo theme.  Dory, Crush, and Nemo.


Still feeling totally shit.  Lonely.  Wishing for the world to end.

Update:  Managed to change the little Nemo's on the side to little Dory's!  Didn't even have to speak whale to do it just shift through a lot of HTML.  

Hopelessness

I am unable to deal. I can't face the world. I have stepped away from facebook as it was my connection to the world. I just can't read about people's happy fun times now. I just can't pretend to care. I sit here alone and cry. I cannot be a friend. I cannot take the disappointment. I cannot smile and nod. I just can't be who I'm expected to be. I'm not okay. I never really was. I never will be.

I'm alone. I'll always be alone. It has to be that way. I am not good for anyone. People occassionally talk to me but only when they have no other options. I am the pity case. I'm tired of being invited just because they feel sorry for me. I'm tired of people only calling me because they have a dozen missed calls from me and just want me to stop calling. I'm tired of feeling left out. I'm tired of being alone even among a group. I'm tired of being the outcast.

I am useless. I am a waste. There is no help. I'm beyond any kind of help, beyond hope.

I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid in John and Danielle's wedding but I am stepping away. I do not belong in their wedding. I do not belong in their pictures. I cannot become that person they expect. I cannot be the happy and dressed up friend with dyed hair. How do I tell them tho?

I just dont know what to do anymore. I've searched the internet for help in every way I can think of and am left even more hopeless than ever. I'm tired of going through the motions but i'm tired of laying here staring at the wall, the ceiling, the tv, my eyelids, etc. I really wish I could end it but I know I can't. I've failed before and that'll just lead to being locked up and making things even worse.

Level 70 and random statements.

*Lonely

*given up on friends

*gave up on clinic

*sleeping tons

*wishing i had more local friends

*need money

*need to recycle

*need to ebay

*reading "The Tale of the Body Thief" by Anne Rice

*reading "Absolute beginner's guide to ebay: fourth edition" by Michael Miller

It sounds like some birds have moved into my livingroom wall. They are quite loud and it sounds like they're actually inside the house. Fluttering around in the corner.

Reached level 70 in farmville. This is the top level that has been created. Now instead of telling me how much XP needed to reach the next level when I hover over the XP bar at the top it says "You are at the max level!" Okay now what? I guess just play to help others get xp and to earn the rest of the ribbons? Whatever. Guess I need to find new hobbies.

one million dollars

You are given a gift of 1 million dollars (kindly adjust for currency in your location). There are some restrictions on how you can spend some of the money, as follows:

$100,000 must be donated to charity. What charities will you support?

$100,000 must be given to one person that you know. To whom do you give it? What would you expect him/her to do with it? Would you put any restrictions on its use? Would it make a difference if you could make the donation anonymously?

$100,000 must be given to someone who has recently been in the news. Who gets it? Why?

$100,000 must be spent on a public beautification project. You can build a park, commission artwork, etc. What do you do, and where do you do it?

$100,000 must be spent on a memorial to someone/something that you have loved and lost. What form does the memorial take? Who is it for?

$50,000 must be spent studying something you have not formally studied. What will you study?

$50,000 must be spent establishing a scholarship. What's it for and who will you name it for?

$50,000 must be given away in a contest. What kind of contest do you hold?

$200,000 must be spent doing as many things as you can on your "lifetime to do list." Always wanted to see Alaska? Take a boat trip on the Rhine? What things would you do first?

That leaves you with $150,000 of mad money. If the rules say you can't spend that money on things that might be termed "practical," what do you buy on your spending spree?

~~~~~~~~~~

The $100,000 for chraity would be split among several charities. I would research charities to find ones that support children, mentally ill, people who cannot afford their medical bills, and food banks.

I would give $100,000 to my mom to pay off any bills, fix up the house for grandma and so she could take the kids on the vacation she's always dreamed of. I would not put any restictions on its use and I would only expect in return that she include me on the vacation.

For the person in the news who would get $100,000 I would give it to whatever child is local and extremely ill and who's family cannot afford to pay the medical bills etc. It would be for the child as well as the entire family because they need someone to step up and help them in some way or another to get through an incredibly difficult time in their lives.

For the $100,000 toward a public beautification project I would give it to a local library so they could make the library more appealing and get the publics attention so they can encourage people to read and use all the many other services libraries offer.

The $100,000 in memorial would be in meffypoo's name. I would want the money to be used to bring awareness and help those who have both physical and mental illnesses. Music would play a major part in the memorial.

With the $50,000 study money I would probably take a variety of different subjects in order to find something that I can actually be successful in. I wouldn't even know where to really start though since I've majorly failed at everything.

The $50,000 scholarship fund would be named for my mom and would help adults, especially parents, go back to school that aren't usually able to benefit from scholarships.

For the $50,000 given in a contest I would split the money between several winners who find the best ways to help people in need, and show the world that anyone can help others.

With the $200,000 to use on my "lifetime to do list" I would take my brother and visit every Disney theme park in the world.

With the $150,000 "mad money" I think I would have a hard time using it in un-practical ways. I'm a very practical type of person. There are so many practical things I wish for that using the money in what I would think of as wasteful ways would be difficult. Perhaps I would buy my way into Club33 at Disneyland though.

A few photos from Knott's trip on March 13, 2010

Though it was an extremely long day full of arguing there were a few fun moments. I think the minute or two on the Mexican Hat dance ride with the twins was the best part of the day for me. My mom's favorite part was when the guy guessed her age as 33 (she was turning 49 the next day) and she won the big stuffed banana as everyone watching was amazed and unbelieving her true age.

Keeping legs inside is no problem! The problem is getting them back out when the ride is over!!!!

29th birthday and Easter

My birthday and easter have now come and gone thankfully. On friday April 2 I went to Red Robin with Daneille, John, Emma, Goofio, Brianna and little Bella. Danielle gave me a card with $25 Best Buy gift card in it. Sergio gave me a card with $25 American Express in it. Emma gave me a bag of a bunch of different candy. Danielle bought me an alcohol drink with dinner. Since John used the coupon I had for a free burger they paid for my cheese sticks. Then John, Danielle and Emma and I went to karaoke at the English pub.
On Saturday evening Marcie and Eddie came over to my place and so did John and Danielle and we got Hungry Howies pizza and watched my mom's wedding video. Marcie gave me a $100 American Express gift card and a scratcher ticket from her whole family. She also gave me the Christmas/birthday stuff for my siblings. They gave Kylee and Dillon each a card with scratcher tickets in them for their birthdays and Hannah and Daniel each a Disney tshirt for Christmas. I took them to my siblings on Easter. Dillon, Kylee and my mom each called me at some point during the day to tell me happy birthday.

On Sunday I went to my mom's house. Mom gave me $60. Grandma gave me $40. I'm going to use the money to buy stuff I need at Costco (toilet paper etc) Mom made tacos. I got a chocolate bunny and $25 for the "cheap" movie theater from the Easter Bunny. Mom made 4 cheese cakes for my birthday and I got one of them for myself. Then Dillon and I went to Yogurtland where his girlfriend works and I stuffed my face. We took seperate cars and I went home from there and he gave Vann a ride home.

The twins each got a Toshiba laptop for Easter and a few dvds. I spent most of sunday afternoon working with the twins with their new computers.


On Wednesday Danielle and I went shopping. I used the gift cards from my friends to buy a Belkin coolmat thingy. It's a fan my computer sits on and it plugs into the usb port so the computer itself powers the fan. I also bought a WD MyBook Essential 1TB external hard drive. These were the two things that my friends actually intended their gift cards to be used for because it's things I've talked about wanting/needing for quite some time so I was able to actually get them now.



I've tried to keep up a positive attitude but I feel like shit all the time. Nothing ever goes right and when something does it never lasts and then I end up worse off than before. My butt hurts from this damn couch. The couch is at least 22 years old and is breaking down. I can feel the supports of the couch through whats left of the cushions. The cousins have several rips in them and stains and the wicker sides are all splintered and crap. I'm sorry I didn't take good enough care of the couch. Grandma says it was in perfect condition when she gave it to me when I moved here about 3 years ago. It was in better shape then yes but I dont think it was perfect. But it's my fault it is a crappy as it is. I am too hard on everything I touch.

written in late march

I'm a crappy friend. I'm crappy everything. I have not been there for friends when they are struggling. I want so much and take so much but give very little and often nothing. I'm so useless. I'm a burden.

I am so sick of feeling like shit. I hurt all over all the time. I have no energy.

I am a slob. I'm lazy. I'm ungrateful. I'm a bitch. I'm fat. I'm an embarassment. I do nothing. I just waste time. I waste time, money, space, resources.

I'm started my period the day I went and volunteered at the golf tournament thing to get my disneyland ticket. It was a long day but not difficult work. Most of the time was spent sitting in the shade in a golf cart waiting for each group of golfers to get to hole 7 and then marking off on the list we got their picture as the other lady snapped 2 shots of each group. Then I helped with various little things and sat around and waited for her to return with the developed pictures and then we glue sticked the pictures onto cards and gave them to each golfer. I was there from about just before 1 until almost 9. I only had to be there from 1:30-4:30pm to earn my ticket but I felt guilty that John and Danielle flaked out at the last minute. Not like I had anything better to do anyways.

march ramblings

It's march. March means mom's birthday. Danielle's birthday and it means april 3 is getting near. i hate april 3.

It's been a busy week. Had to pick up the kids from school all week. So exhausted. I just want to curl up and go to sleep and never ever wake up. i've been trying to clean but i get no where.


On Saturday march 13 mom, the twins, me and dillon and his girlfiend vann all went to Knotts berry farm. It was not exactly a fun day. It was miserable. Hannah was such a pain the entire day putting all of us in bad moods.

on sunday, moms actual birthday i talked to her on the phone. i went out to dinner with john, danielle, goofio and brianna and then they all came back to my place for a little while.

i got a new phone. it's a purple motorola rival. i dont really like it. it would be a little more worth the frustration if i had any of the features its meant for, ilke TEXT MESSAGING. I swear I'm the only one I know besides my mom of course who doesn't have texting yet. Even Dillon has it now. Mom let him add it to his phone as long as he pays her the $10 a month...which she knows he won't do. but she wouldn't spend $20 a month to get it on all three phones. whatever. i just dont get it.

so many things i've left out but i just cant keep up with even my own life even tho its a boring mostly uneventful life.

brides maid and about to upgrade my computer

I'm just going through the motions. I know nothing I do or don't do wont be

good enough for this world. I'll never be able to function properly for the

way the world works. I'm a loser and always have been and always will be. I

don't ever have the energy to even truly try.




On sunday the 21st Marcie came over and then goofio, his sister natalie,

brianna and bella picked us up and we met john and danielle at sonic. the food

there is not nearly as good as we hoped it would be. john and danielle and

marcie then came back to my place. marcie had to be home by dinner time but

john and danielle stayed until like close to midnight. danielle asked me to be

a brides maid. we looked online at wedding stuff and went to starbucks and

then to a little grocery store i'll never go in again. i bought cough syrup

and cough drops. the store smelled like cats and was dirty and had expired

products.

within the next day or two i plan to upgrade to windows 7. hopefully that wont

be too hard and i'll be back onlne within a few hours. i have no one i can

call for help with this kind of thing tho so i'm scared. i'm almost done

saving everything i want off this computer.

been too long....random snippets

2010 - New Year but same shit.




It's been a long time since I've posted a blog. I guess mostly I have been avoiding trying to form words from the mess of thoughts and feelings that overwhelm my brain.

Christmas came and went. I got a lot of stuff but the one thing I really wanted was an external hard drive which I did not get.






Big Bear trip came and went.


I went up to Big Bear with Danielle, John, Jolie, Eddie, Sergio, Brianna and Bella for the weekend. John and Eddie picked me up around 11am on friday February 5. The three of us went to Taco Bell/Pizza Hut before going to their house. Danielle was meeting us at John's house and we then had to pack the car before John picked his sister up from work and we piled into the car for the long drive. The car was very full. It was snowing and raining most of the trip up there.



It's been so long since I've written that theres just too much to say and I'll never get it said.

Yesterday was valentines. Mom stopped by on her way to work before dawn with a box of chocolate covered cherries and on her way home with 2 cantalopes and 3 bananas. Danielle messaged me on yahoo around a quarter to midnight.

Danielle (2/14/2010 11:46:05 PM): guess what i got engaged
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:46:09 PM): how was your valentines
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:46:12 PM): seriously???!!!!
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:46:19 PM): he finally did it
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:46:21 PM): CONGRATS!!!!
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:46:28 PM): thanks i am excited


When I asked how he proposed her answer made me laugh.
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:47:04 PM): how did he propose?
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:47:06 PM): and the one time he actually listened to me he got exactly what i wanted
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:47:17 PM): in john fashion
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:47:33 PM): lol
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:48:04 PM): we went to starbucks drive through then he parked the car to give me my valentines card and gift the ring was the gift in the bag
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:48:25 PM): ah hehe
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:48:29 PM): first he did tell me to picture a beach in front of me
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:48:54 PM): how did your mom react?
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:49:07 PM): my mom already knew



Danielle (2/14/2010 11:51:01 PM): I know everyone is asking when the wedding is going to be where we going to live etc. I tell them not to rush john still has the figure of the ring in is head and how he going to pay that lets not scare him off
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:51:19 PM): lol
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:51:41 PM): yeah its enough that he proposed. one step at a time. at least you guys are taking steps now
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:51:53 PM): thank you it has been long time coming specially after big bear when we talked he said he thought i was going to break up with him
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:52:01 PM): you were at a stand still for so long
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:52:26 PM): now kidding i felt like my feet were in cement

Christmas is coming

It's almost Christmas. It's snuck up but now I just want it to be over with. It still hurts when I think about the fact that I wasn't even invited to decorate the tree with my family. I had been looking forward to that. I went to target and dollar tree today and I guess I'm done shopping now even though there is much much more I wish I could buy for my family and friends.

I've had to sign a lot of papers lately. Between housing authority and the mental health clinic I'm being transferred to. I'm waiting to see if the person named Cliff who runs the groups I'm supposed to start gonig to is going to return my call. They want me to start going to two groups on wednesday mornings from 10-11 and 11-12. I have never gotten much of anything out of stuff that early in the day.

I still haven't made a medical doctor appointment. I keep finding ways to put if off still. It probably wont be until the new year when I am able to face a doctor.

I finally have started wrapping presents. My neighbor on the other side of the brick wall stopped by with a bag of homemade cookies covered in cinnamon sugar and a little box of three kids of lip gloss in a box that has a mirror built in.

I am on my period but went shopping two days in a row anyways. Dollar Tree, Target, Kohls, and Walmart. I found the chocolate oranges we couldn't find anywhere last year. I also bought a few boxes of chocolate covered cherries for neighbors and anyone else who gives me a gift.

trying

It's been a long time since I posted a blog hasn't it? I haven't really been able to put things into words lately. My brain does not work.

I'm tired all the time. I ache all over all the time. I'm itchy all the time. I'm just plain miserable. I'm always thirsty. I'm often nausious. I want someone to just sit and hold me. I have no one who would ever do that though and it hurts to be touched anyways.



I feel very unwelcomed. My mom especially makes me feel unwanted. She never wants me around. Doesn't want me to contaminate their home. She don't want me to sit on their new couch or go anywhere near her bed. It hurt my feelings a lot when she didn't even let me know they were decorating the Christmas tree. I found out when I showed up over there to pick up Dillon to take him to practice driving and everything was done. That was always one of my favorite things growing up. We'd get a bunch of special snacks and as a family we would put together and decorate the Christmas tree. It feels like they are trying to make me not part of the family at all. They call me only when I have to take the kids to school.


I know I need to make a doctors appointment. I'm not sure why I haven't exactly. I always have an excuse to put it off. I'm dreading going to the doctors again because it always seems to futile and I end up feeling even more hopeless.

not functioning very well

Been not really functioning lately. Feel like shit all the time. Have been leaning on my friends way too much and am so scared they'll get sick of me and go away forever. That is how life works after all.

I hurt all over all the time. And itch. I feel like a big acheing bruise. And so tired. Never have any energy at all. I just want to die.

My mom and grandma are constantly nagging me about coloring my hair but they just do not understand how bad the migraines are the damn dye causes and according to them the natural ones everyone else said to try aren't good enough. Nothing is good enough.

Danielle and JohnJohn have gone waaaaaaay above and beyond anything I deserve and been there for me a LOT. I need to pull away from them before its too late.


Almost got to go to Disneyland on friday but grandma decided we couldn't. It's frustrating and depressing.

Everything is frustrating, depressing and hopeless.

a very shitty day it took me weeks to post about

I'm acheing. I'm itchy. I'm thirsty. I'm tired. My head hurts.


I went with mom and the twins trick or treating around Glendora.

Afterwards the plan was to go to karaoke with John and Danielle but no one

was having karaoke so we played Wii Fit instead. We laughed a lot. Both

with the twins and with John and Danielle.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taking the kids to school so often is really taking a toll on me. I'm

constantly exhausted. And constantly frustrated. Aggravated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


On thursday (november 5)I had the day from hell. It started with a phone

call saying my intake at the mental health clinic had to be changed. I

have been trying to get into the clinic since about August or September. I

was supposed to finally have my intake this coming monday but now it's been

changed again to december.

Then I went to my appointment at the social security office and was told

theyr'e gonna be taking 10% of my check a month until I make up for the

"overpayment" since I won that sweepstakes a year and a half ago. Theyr'e

taking away the amount I won. I can't ever get ahead. As it is I can't

get all my bills paid each month without help and end up with like $4 in

the bank at the end of the month. I told her there's no way I can survive

with $85 less a month. She said when I get the letter to call and work out

a different payment plan.

After that mom sent me to get a hair cut and then to get the lice shampoo

kit. The stupid hair cut lady asked lots of questions about what I do for

work or school and why I'm not in school or have a job. We spent a long

time making sure there was NO lice in my hair. My back and legs killed me

from leaning over the sink trying to get all of the shampoo stuff rinsed

out.


Housing Authority called while we were working through my hair and wanted

me tocome out to their main office the next morning. I can't get to Sante

Fe Springs on my own. Mom got aggravated that she would have to take me

out there.

My mom sent me on errands to the store and to pick up the H.Salt fish she

ordered. I ate too much and ended up feeling sick. I then had to sit

around forever waiting for Dillon to be ready to leave. He was gong to his

friend's house to celebrate a birthday. It was like nine pm when I finally

got home, exhausted. I then had to take apart the couch and the bed and

vacuum and spray everything and do laundry.

When I got home my computer refused to come on and took a couple hours to

get to work. Then my washer flooded the kitchen again.

week leading to halloween

So slow. Never seem to really do anything. Time just passes by.


Took Hannah and Daniel to school. Took Kylee to school. Let Dillon drive

himself to school. Grandma loaned me her gas card again. I went to the

library and got a Stephen King book called "Gerald's Game" and the Death

Cab for Cutie cd "Plans". Then went to the bank and was there for a very

long time and was charged $8 to be mailed my statement in 5-8 business days

to send to Housing Authority. It's ridiculous to charge that much for a

stupid statement and I only had about $4 in my checking so they had to get

it from my savings which now only has about $20 left in it. I hate being

so damn broke.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Took the kids to school again. It was crazy hair day for the twins school.

Kylee talks about nothing but going into the army now.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Was a long week and I took the kids to school tuesday, wednesday, and

thursday and it takes a big toll on me doing that multiple days in a row.

On friday evening Danielle invited me over. Me and her and John went and

got food at taco bell/pizzahut. I got a cheese pizza meal. Then we went

back to her house and watched tv while we ate then spent a few minutes on

the computer before going and playing Wii Play.


It's Halloween. I'll probably go trick or treating with the twins and then

John and Danielle invited me to go to karaoke with them later in the

evening.

slacking

Been staring at this blank window not knowing what to type. I went grocery shopping after having h salt fish with my family. Kylee and Dillon were not home. It was mom, grandma and the twins. i feel like crap. I over drew my account and barely had enough in savings to transfer to get me out of the red.

I've sat here all night and all morning just staring, and crying and struggling.


\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\




I wrote the above a few days ago. I haven't been functioning too well lately. On Friday me and Dillon went to Disneyland. Mom was supposed to meet us there with the twins but did not. The twins had benchmark testing so she couldn't take them out of school early. I haven't talked to her since. Dillon seemed to be avoiding me at Disneyland. Trying to spend as much time away from me as possible. I slept all day Saturday.

Feeling so hopeless. So lonely. So anxious. Just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Been very urgy but trying so hard not to cut.


So itchy. Tired. Itchy. Anxious. Depressed. Achey. Hopeless. Stupid. Lonely. Unworthy of love.

tired but should do stuff

I took the thw twins to school yesterday then took Kylee then let Dillon drive to school. Grandma had me give Kylee $20 because she had no cash and Kylee needed food money and I only had twenties. Then grandma gave me her debit card to get $20 out of her account to replace what I gave Kylee for my groceries money.

When I got home I went and got the mail. I came back to find my neighbor outside. He looked at my car and said that I need power steering fluid. While I was at grandma's yesterday she checked my oil and added 2 bottles of oil to it. My neighbor had pointed out a knocking sound in my engine to me a few days ago and said that he'd check my oil for me and put some in if it needed it if I got some oil. It was the day it was raining when he'd said that and I hadn't talked to him since. I'd been kind of hibernating lately.

I talked to mom on the phone during her lunch hour. She said she'd talked to mando and that he's going to let her have the kids friday so we can go to Disneyland and he'll have them two days next week. I think he's trying to get them for Halloween even though it is her year. He had them last year.

Today I should go grocery shopping and make a doctors appointment. It's been far too long since I tried doing the doctors stuff. The headaches and back pain need help. I should probably go back to the asthma doctor and the stomach doctor too. I hate doing all that stuff.


Pretty much everyone in #bus is having a hard time. It's so hard to believe that meff is really gone. His wife has to go to the funeral home today. I wish I could help her. I'm doing the only thing any of us can really do though. I'm around to talk to.


I wish I could go to sleep and this time when I wake up I really wake up. I wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream. I want to wake up and realize that my meffypoo is feeling better from the flu he had last week. That he's not really dead. That shyla still has the center of her world. I don't want to make the phone calls to doctors and start all that hassle again. I don't want to go grocery shopping. I dont want to think about anything anymore. I just want to curl up and die. Tired of the pain. Tired of the sadness. Tired of the loneliness. Tired of the hopelessness. Tired of wondering how I'll get my family Christmas presents. Tired of being tired. Just so tired.