Tuesday, September 27, 2005


I have already SI'd some but I want to cut deep. I want to OD on anything I can find. I've promised Harmony that I won't try to kill myself. It don't make the thoughts go away. I don't want to floaty. I don't wantto lose anymore time. I need something to focus on but I can't focus on my writeups very good right now, I tried. I'm out of votes and entered like 30 sweepstakes online. I don't know what else to do.

Sunday, September 25, 2005


It's almost 4pm. I got up around one or one thirty and have been sneezing and snotting ever since. I feel crappy today. I'm still tired, but cannot sleep. I have an earache probably caused by pressure from all the snot. I have a bit of a headache too.

Friday, September 23, 2005

I got a new chair

My case manager gave me a nice high backed computer chair and two new long sleeve shirts.

I broke my glasses on friday, at the clinic, I was trying to fix them cuz the babies had somehow managed to bend the plastic. When I tried to bend it back they snapped in half. I cut last night.

Today (saturday) I took Kylee to a play at a church in La Puente that her friend was staring in.

I feel kinda depressed and I'm sick and tired of being so damn tired.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

random thoughts

My therapist says I should journal more. So I’m going to try to journal even though I have nothing to say.

I slept from like 2:30 or 3am until just after 4pm. I was so tired. I’m still tired. It don’t matter how much I sleep I still feel exhausted and I’m not sure why. It doesn’t matter if I sleep just a few hours, eight hours, or thirteen hours, I’m tired.

The guy from the library called back today. I go Thursday morning at 10am to meet with him so he can show me the ropes. Then the following Tuesday, the 27th I work from 1 to 4:30pm. I’m a little nervous about this all. What if I can’t remember what he tells me on Thursday?

I don’t know what else to say. I’m in the #bus chat room. Harmony went to bed hours ago. Dawggy is probably in bed by now too. I was talking to choi in #manicdepression but she went to bed a little bit ago. I already used all my votes on e2 and I don’t feel like reading the SI message board right now. Maybe I’ll go write in the journal I share with Harmony.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Memory of the boy/T homework

The homework my therapist gave me triggered something inside me.  It brought back those dreams of the boy.  The memory of the boy has been haunting me on and off for many years.  
I was probably 4 years old at the time, possibly 5 but I don’t think I was in school yet, but I may have been.  My mom had left me with a babysitter a couple of times because she had to go to court with my grandma because my grandma was in a class action suit against these people that sold my grandfathers body parts before they cremated him.  I was left with a woman who lived in the same apartment building as my mom and I lived in.  The woman took me with her to the house she usually babysat for this family at.  Iremember there was a boy my age and his brother that was a littleyounger  I think there was a little sister as well but that much I’m not sure about. I know this for sure. The part that keeps repeating in my mind is this:
The boy took me into his room and closed the door. Then he said "Let's have sex" I know he really said this. I remember telling him that sex was for grown ups. He said it was okay because kids can have sex as long as it's kid sex. He said kid sex was when you left your shirts on. Where it starts getting confusing is this:
Sometimes I remember him having red hair, sometimes light hair and sometimes brown hair. Sometimes I think the little brother was in the room and sometimes I think it was just the two of us. This scene plays over and over and over in my head. I can't remember either of the boys names but I don't think I could remember their names even then. I knew the boy got on top of me and I know he undid his pants but then it's all a blank. This scares me. I don't know if he did something to me or if the babysitter came in or what. This scene plays in my head over and over: him closing the door and saying letshave sex and me saying no that was for grownups and him saying it was ok if we left our shirts on and then climbing on top of me while I tried to squirm out from under him as he undid his pants. Then it goes totally blank. I know this really did happen. I can't remember for sure what he looked like, if his brother was in the room, if we got caught, or if he did something to me. I never went there again after that day. I know I made it clear to my mom I didn't like it there but not why. I think I went away that day like I do sometimes now. I think elly came into being that day.  I just go to this other place in my head. I don't know what’s going on. I can't feel anything happening to me when I do that. My body and my mind just aren't together. I feel no pain or anything else. this scares me. I keep repeating this scene over and over and my head. I can't make it stop. I see if when I sleep. When he climbs on top of me i either wake up scared or the scene starts over from him closing the door. When I'm awake it plays over and over. it makes it hard to think straight. it's been bugging me for years but lately, once again it's been worse.

The homework was called “ASSESSING THE DAMAGE” and was a series of questions with the answers being either always, usually, sometimes, rarely, or never.  
The first set of questions is on “Self-esteem”:
I feel dirty, like there’s something wrong with me (usually)
Sometimes I think I’m crazy (usually)
I feel ashamed (usually)
I’m different from other people (always)
I feel powerless (usually)
If people really knew me, they’d leave (usually)  [If it wasn’t for Harmony and Marcie I’d feel this way all the time]
I want to die (usually)
I want to kill myself (sometimes)
I hate myself (usually)
I have a hard time taking care of myself (sometimes)
I don’t deserve to be happy (always)
I don’t trust my intuition or feelings (usually)
I’m often confused (always) [Hence the blog name “confusedalot”]
I don’t know how to set goals and follow through on them (usually)  [I can set goals just can’t follow through]
I’m scared of success (sometimes)
I’m a failure, I don’t feel capable of doing a good job (always)
I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. (rarely) [I kinda throw myself into writing sometimes though.  And I used to use school]
I’m a perfectionist (sometimes)
I’ve made up a lot of stories about my life (never?)  [I’m not really sure what this question is asking…if it means pretend lives in my mind then usually but not any that I’ve ever told another person)
I’ve done a lot of shoplifting (never)

The second set of questions is on “my feelings”:
I don’t think feelings are very important (usually)
I usually don’t know what I’m feeling (usually)
I can’t tell one feeling from another (sometimes)
I only experience one or two emotions (sometimes)
I have a hard time expressing my feelings (usually)
I have a hard time crying freely (sometimes)
I cry all the time (sometimes)
I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy (always)
I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm (sometimes)
I feel enraged a lot of the time (rarely)
I’m rarely angry.  Anger scares me (usually)
I get depressed a lot (always)
I have a lot of nightmares (sometimes)
I have panic attacks (sometimes)
If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control (sometimes)
I’ve been violent (rarely)[Never, unless you count SI as violence]
I haven’t been violent yet, but I’m worried I might be. (rarely)

The third section is called “My Body”:
I’m not “in my body” a lot of the time (usually)
I frequently space out (always)
My body often feels numb. (usually)
I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me (always)
I don’t pay too much attention to my body’s signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). (usually)
I think my body is ugly (always)
I hide my body (always)
I’m dyslexic.  I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. (sometimes)
I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should (never)
I often eat compulsively (rarely)
I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up (sometimes) [I don’t throw up]
I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn, or injure myself) (always)
I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse (rarely)
I’ve worked out to make my bod strong so I wouldn’t feel like a victim (never)
I’ve had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures (never)
I’m scared to go to the dentist.  I hate the feeling of things in my mouth (usually)
I’m scared to go to the gynecologist (always)

The next section is “Intimacy”:
I often feel alienated from other people, as if I’m from another planet (always)
Most of my relationships just don’t work (always)
I don’t have many friends (rarely)
I’m okay with my friends, but I just can’t work things out with a lover (usually)
I think I’m really meant to be alone (usually)
I’m not sure I really deserve to be loved. (always)
I don’t know what love is (sometimes)
I find it hard to trust people. (sometimes)
I think people are going to leave me (always)
I test people a lot (usually)
It’s hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else (usually)
I’m clingy with people I’m close to.  I’m afraid to be alone. (usually)
I’m scared of making a commitment.  When people get too close I panic (sometimes)
I have a hard time saying no (usually)
People take advantage of me in relationships (sometimes)
I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible (rarely)
I’ve had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser (rarely)
I’m struggling a lot with my partner (never)
Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser (never)
Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship (rarely)

The next set of questions is on “sexuality”:
I’ve been sexually abused as an adult (rarely)
I need to control everything about sex (rarely)
I have a hard time staying present when I make love.  I’m numb a lot during lovemaking. (always)
When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don’t understand (usually)
I often have flashbacks of my abuse when making love (always)
I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse (never)
Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on (never)
I’m ashamed of my sexuality (always)
I’ve sexually abused others (never)

The second to last section is “children and parenting”:
I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children (rarely)
I have a hard time being affectionate with kids (rarely)
I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids (sometimes)
I have a hard time balancing children’s needs with my own (sometimes)
I feel inadequate as a parent (never)
I have trouble protecting children I take care of (sometimes)
I tend to be overprotective (usually)
I’ve successfully protected children (sometimes)
I’m scared I’ll be abusive (rarely)
I have abused children (never)
My kids have been abused by someone else (never)

The final set of questions is “My family of Origin”:
I have strained relationships with my family (rarely)
Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) (sometimes)
I have a hard time setting limits with my family (sometimes)
People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences (usually)
I feel crazy when I’m around my family (usually)
I can’t be honest with the people in my family (always)
Sexual abuse is still a secret in my family (usually)
There’s still incest in my family (never)
I’m waiting for the people in my family to come around and support me. (rarely)

Monday, September 12, 2005

bad day/night

I've cut on three seperate occassions today. Nothing too bad. But I did cut in a private place. Just scratches but its bad that I cut *there*.

Dawggy says he understands but he just doens't. He just made me feel bad again. The second time I cut today was after he upset me. He don't believe me about my experiences in the hospital. He says I don't try to get help and he didn't use the words but he basically called me a liar about the doctor smoking while he met with me. That hurts a lot. The doctor DID smoke while he talekd to me and blew smoke in my face. I can't stand being called a liar. No matter how much he argues that he understands about my SI he really doesn't. I don't think he ever will or can.

Harmony tries so hard to help me and I feel so bad that I hurt her by hurting myself. I know she feels helpless. I wish I didnt hurt her so. I wish she didn't feel like a failure because of me. I was so mean today. I basically said her life was as pointless as mine. I didn't mean to attack her like that. I feel really bad and just want to cut again. I'm so stupid.

I'm sorry.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

"darkness" lyrics...darren hayes


Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got
Covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

I have been waiting
Always waiting for something new
Happiness has always ended
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
No one attending

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I got covered in darkness
Covered in darkness
Ever wonder why I never really truly connect
Although my eyes are open
I can hold your gaze
But I am never connected
Never connected

I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love
Give than receive love

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

Turning pages over
Run away to nowhere
And it's hard to take control
When your enemy's old and afraid of you
You'll discover that the monster you were running from
Is the monster in you

Better to hold on to love
Better to hold on to love
Change will come

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

It doesn't really matter where it all began
Cuz all I know
I was lost
I was lost
No, no

It doesn't really matter where it all began no no
All I know
I was lost
I feel lost

good day

Had a good day today.  This morning I got up, went to the clinic, talked to Grace briefly, then went bowling with Clubhouse.  I bowled a 102 (with bumpers!).  Grace said that she was going to go shopping for me and get me a chair.  She also said that the doctor would squeeze me in on Monday.  Monday’s going to be a long day.  
After bowling one game I left and headed to my moms house.  She wasn’t there when I got there so I called grandma to see if she knew where she was.  Grandma didn’t know.  It wasn’t too long before mom, Mando, and the twins got back.  Mom took me to the neurologist.  It was in a building I’ve been to before.  

Well I started writing this last night and got side track.  The neurologist gave me a pain medicine for arthritis and an appointment for a month from now.  He said he was going to try to get an MRI approved.  
After the doctors appointment we went back to my moms house, where my car was.  I didn’t stay very long.  I went to the pharmacy and got the Mobic the doctor prescribed for me.  I then went home and talked to Harmony.  
Darren Hayes website has/had a clip of his new song, “So Beautiful” on the front page.  That excited me.  I played the clip over and over again.  

Today I got the superstars and cannonballs Savage Garden from choi.  Choi is a friend from #manicdepression.  I’ve been watching it most of the day.  I didn’t get out of bed until like 2pm.  I slept a lot.  I took a nap from like 7:30-10pm.  Then I slept from like 4am, on and off, until about 2pm.  I felt exhausted when I finally got out of bed, still feel tired even though it’s now 4:40pm.  Such a lazy day.  I need to send choi a thank you card for this dvd.  It’s really helped me get through the day without cutting myself.  

Well I guess I’ll post this now since it’s taken me so long to write it.  

Friday, September 9, 2005

late night short ramble

It’s one thirty on Friday morning. I have to be at the clinic at 9:30. We’re going bowling. Then I have to hurry over to my moms house to go to the neurologist.

Word of the day:
egress \EE-gress\, noun:
1. The act of going out or leaving, or the right or freedom to
leave; departure.
2. A means of going out or leaving; an exit; an outlet.

intransitive verb \ee-GRESS\:
To go out; to depart; to leave.

It’s 2:40am. Not long ago I ate some peanut butter and crackers then drank a large cup of orange juice. I’m at 211 now. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. I shouldn’t eat at night. I really shouldn’t eat at all or just once a day instead of the 5 or 6 times I have been eating. I want to cut now because I was so stupid and ate so much today. I’m so pathetic.

Tomorrow morning, well its today now, I have to be at the clinic about 9:30am. We’re going bowling. Then I have to rush to my moms house so we can go to my neurology appointment. I need to talk to my case manager, Grace. I was supposed to go shopping with her today but I forgot about my appointment. I need another pdoc appointment cuz I missed my last one and am out of meds.

Grandma’s yelling at me to go to sleep cuz it’s 3am. I don’t feel like sleeping though. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Trying so hard not to give in

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I feel this emptiness inside of me. It's like hunger but it's not a hunger for food. I don't know how to fulfill this hunger except to cut myself. I'm not sure it will work but it's all I can think of to try. I feel so empty. I feel drained of something, but I just can't put my finger on *what*.

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  1. My computer and my internet are working tonight
  2. I haven't cut yet today
  3. I found a new BBS to post on
  4. I got the grocery shopping done
  5. I talked to Marcie
  6. I got a small paragraph of my [West Virginia] node done
  7. I got to see a picture of Fruan
  8. Fruan gave me extra votes tonight and I didn't even ask him to
  9. I had money left over at the end of August
  10. I have a blog to help keep me occupied so I don't cut

Found some msg boards

I was messing around on google yesterday and I looked up self injury images. From that search I came across a website (selfharm.org)that has message boards for self-harmers. I registered and have now posted over 40 messages and read even more than that. I've spent a lot of time on there tonight to help distract me from this intense urge to cut myself. I don't know why I want to cut myself so cutting myself is really stupid.

I managed to finish a small paragraph of my [West Virginia] write-up. Fruan gave me extra votes when he found out I was having a bad night. He's sweet. I just wish he wasn't so horny all the time. He sent me a fairly recent picture of himself tonight. I'd seen a couple pictures of him from a year or two ago a long time ago. He's got long hair and a thick beard. He's not bad looking but I think he'd look better with a good shave.

It's 3:30am. I should go to bed soon but in the mood I'm in I'm afraid I'll have nightmares so I'm procrastinating going to bed. In about I don't know, ten hours or so I have a few calls to make. I need to call the phone company about the static on the line which keeps causing my internet connection to fizzle out. I need to call the neurologist office and confirm that I have an appointment with them on friday. I need to call my mom and see if she wants to go with me to the neurologist or if I should take Marcie. Marcie wants to go. The other phone call I want to get made is to the magazine company to change the magazines I'm getting because I got a letter from them.

I'm watching Conan O'Brian even though I really don't like him. There just isn't anything else on tv at this time of the night/morning/wee hours of the day. I think it's almost over though. I should look at tvguide.com and see what's on at 4am.

Sunday, September 4, 2005

Frustrated with ISP

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Damn static on the phone line is making it impossible for me to use the internet.  I’m feeling really frustrated and urgy.  I know it’s a stupid reason to want to cut, but I want to cut.  It’ll relax me.  I’m trying not to do it because I’m not supposed to cut myself.  No one wants me to SI.  This lack of internet is really pissing me off.  There are things I want to do, like vote on e2 and look at a new SI website I just found and chat.  I don’t want to go to sleep.  I don’t want to dream.  

I drove to karaoke and it was night time and it was hard for me.  I kept seeing stuff.  Cars that weren’t really there.  I know they weren’t really there because nothing happened when they ran into me.  I stopped and got $5 worth of gas.  My car had less than a fourth of a tank.  I’m going to ask Grace on Wednesday if she can help me get gas again.  She gave me a gas card before to use.  Gas is so expensive.

I promised myself I wouldn’t weep, one more promise I couldn’t keep.

Can you help me remember how to smile, make it somehow all seem worthwhile.

I can go where no one else can go, I know what no one else knows.

Seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I’m neither here nor there.

Like a madman laughing at the rain, a little out of touch, a little insane, it’s just easier than dealing with the pain.

Went to karaoke

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I wasn't going to go to karaoke but John called and told me he would buy my drinks if I drove him there. So I went. He spent a little over $8 on me. I had two virign pina colada's and one shirley temple with extra cherries. I had NO alcohol because I was driving. Well actually, I tasted John's Adios, but it was just one small sip.

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I sang "Runaway Train", "Achy Breaky Song", "I Want You" and "Material Girl" alone and "They're coming to take me away, haha" with Marcie.

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I've been really itchy all night. When we were doing cams, I was itching soo bad. I don't know why though. I know some medicine (i.e. Vicodin, Lortab) can make you itch but I hadn't taken anything but my psych meds and tylenol.

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Well I'm following a list so I guess I'll go take my night meds and do the next thing on my list.
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Saturday, September 3, 2005

I hate snot

My nose is running again. I just ate, without any prompting from Harmony or anyone else. I wasn't really hungry but I ate anyway just so Harmony would be happy. I ate a Budget Gourmet Ziti Parmasagna tv dinner with extra cheese.

I really hate snot. I keep blowing my nose but it just fills right back up with yellow, bloody snot. Probably more than you wanted to know, eh?

Kylee and Dillon spent the night last night. They were (esp. Kylee) on my computer forever (read: over three hours). Today I took them to get Dillon a haircut and then took them both home. I love them tons but I wasn't sad to see them go home.

I haven't cut today but I want to. I don't really know why I want to. My legs ache to be sliced. I crave bleeding. I like to watch the blood drip down my leg. It's so calming.

I was stupid and didn't get up yesterday to go to the clinic. They're closed on Monday because of Labor Day so I'll have to talk to Grace on wednesday about getting another appointment, my computer chair, and gas for my car. I hope she's not upset with me. I was supposed to give her back the last gas card but I was sick and missed the day I was going to give it back and then she was off for a week.

Well Harmony is finally done eating so I'm going to go talk to her on the webcam.



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Friday, September 2, 2005

I Dont Care by Savage Garden

"I Don't Care"I ride this train in the windswept afternoon and the sunlight warms the faces of the faithless who are waiting I ride this train but I need a conversation mozambique or was it veronique?how about you pick the subjectand I'll listen to you?people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, I don't care people tell me that I need too much but I don't care, no I don't care I ride this train in a dream-like state of mindthrough a field of frozen memories imagination racing I ride this train but I need to make connections no I wasn't staring I was only trying to get some substance to get some meaning people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I need too much well I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I feel too much oh no cause I don't care no I just don't care anymore I will ride this train people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I need too much but I don't care, no I just don't care people tell me that I feel too much oh no cause I don't care no I just don't care anymore as I ride this train as I ride this train as I ride this train keep on riding this train as I ride this train as I ride this train oooh

Thursday, September 1, 2005

safe music

I am listening to one of my “safe” cds.  The ones full of songs that make us feel better.  The song that’s on now is “She talks to angels” by the Black Crows.  I’m also talking to Fruan.  He gave me some extra votes (for e2) and that’s helping me feel a bit productive.  I would like to work on a write-up (mostly [West Virginia]) but just ain’t getting anywhere with it.  I just can’t seem to focus well enough.  The next song just came on.  It’s Darren Hayes “Darkness”.  His voice always makes me feel better.  I cut some earlier today, just 10 small cuts that barely bled.  I want to cut more but am trying real hard not to.  “Ego” is playing now.  

I have been contemplating Letting go of you egoThought I'd let you knowYou're getting oldIt was so irritating saving faceWhen I fell from graceThought you'd won a raceWithout a traceBut you stayedBut you remainedBut you.. It's always about youI have been quietly edging away To keep the flames at bayMake this puppy stayTo limit my use of personal Pro-nouns are the death of meSee I just said meYou're an endless seeThe vanity is all for you babeFor you babe For you..It's always about youI have been silently taking offenseAnd at great expenseAs my feeling dentI'm licking my scratchesIt serves no purposeDoesn't gratifyAnd you're dissatisfiedAnd though you're belly's full There's always more room for you babeFor you babeFor you..It's always about youNo.. no.. don't.. don't.. oh..

I’ve been posting a lot of lyrics lately.  I post songs that touch me somehow, that i relate to.  


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