- My computer and my internet are working tonight
- I haven't cut yet today
- I found a new BBS to post on
- I got the grocery shopping done
- I talked to Marcie
- I got a small paragraph of my [West Virginia] node done
- I got to see a picture of Fruan
- Fruan gave me extra votes tonight and I didn't even ask him to
- I had money left over at the end of August
- I have a blog to help keep me occupied so I don't cut
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Positives
Found some msg boards
I was messing around on google yesterday and I looked up self injury images. From that search I came across a website (selfharm.org)that has message boards for self-harmers. I registered and have now posted over 40 messages and read even more than that. I've spent a lot of time on there tonight to help distract me from this intense urge to cut myself. I don't know why I want to cut myself so cutting myself is really stupid.
I managed to finish a small paragraph of my [West Virginia] write-up. Fruan gave me extra votes when he found out I was having a bad night. He's sweet. I just wish he wasn't so horny all the time. He sent me a fairly recent picture of himself tonight. I'd seen a couple pictures of him from a year or two ago a long time ago. He's got long hair and a thick beard. He's not bad looking but I think he'd look better with a good shave.
It's 3:30am. I should go to bed soon but in the mood I'm in I'm afraid I'll have nightmares so I'm procrastinating going to bed. In about I don't know, ten hours or so I have a few calls to make. I need to call the phone company about the static on the line which keeps causing my internet connection to fizzle out. I need to call the neurologist office and confirm that I have an appointment with them on friday. I need to call my mom and see if she wants to go with me to the neurologist or if I should take Marcie. Marcie wants to go. The other phone call I want to get made is to the magazine company to change the magazines I'm getting because I got a letter from them.
I'm watching Conan O'Brian even though I really don't like him. There just isn't anything else on tv at this time of the night/morning/wee hours of the day. I think it's almost over though. I should look at tvguide.com and see what's on at 4am.
I managed to finish a small paragraph of my [West Virginia] write-up. Fruan gave me extra votes when he found out I was having a bad night. He's sweet. I just wish he wasn't so horny all the time. He sent me a fairly recent picture of himself tonight. I'd seen a couple pictures of him from a year or two ago a long time ago. He's got long hair and a thick beard. He's not bad looking but I think he'd look better with a good shave.
It's 3:30am. I should go to bed soon but in the mood I'm in I'm afraid I'll have nightmares so I'm procrastinating going to bed. In about I don't know, ten hours or so I have a few calls to make. I need to call the phone company about the static on the line which keeps causing my internet connection to fizzle out. I need to call the neurologist office and confirm that I have an appointment with them on friday. I need to call my mom and see if she wants to go with me to the neurologist or if I should take Marcie. Marcie wants to go. The other phone call I want to get made is to the magazine company to change the magazines I'm getting because I got a letter from them.
I'm watching Conan O'Brian even though I really don't like him. There just isn't anything else on tv at this time of the night/morning/wee hours of the day. I think it's almost over though. I should look at tvguide.com and see what's on at 4am.
Sunday, September 4, 2005
Frustrated with ISP
Damn static on the phone line is making it impossible for me to use the internet. I’m feeling really frustrated and urgy. I know it’s a stupid reason to want to cut, but I want to cut. It’ll relax me. I’m trying not to do it because I’m not supposed to cut myself. No one wants me to SI. This lack of internet is really pissing me off. There are things I want to do, like vote on e2 and look at a new SI website I just found and chat. I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t want to dream.
I drove to karaoke and it was night time and it was hard for me. I kept seeing stuff. Cars that weren’t really there. I know they weren’t really there because nothing happened when they ran into me. I stopped and got $5 worth of gas. My car had less than a fourth of a tank. I’m going to ask Grace on Wednesday if she can help me get gas again. She gave me a gas card before to use. Gas is so expensive.
I promised myself I wouldn’t weep, one more promise I couldn’t keep.
Can you help me remember how to smile, make it somehow all seem worthwhile.
I can go where no one else can go, I know what no one else knows.
Seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I’m neither here nor there.
Like a madman laughing at the rain, a little out of touch, a little insane, it’s just easier than dealing with the pain.
Went to karaoke
I wasn't going to go to karaoke but John called and told me he would buy my drinks if I drove him there. So I went. He spent a little over $8 on me. I had two virign pina colada's and one shirley temple with extra cherries. I had NO alcohol because I was driving. Well actually, I tasted John's Adios, but it was just one small sip.
I sang "Runaway Train", "Achy Breaky Song", "I Want You" and "Material Girl" alone and "They're coming to take me away, haha" with Marcie.
I've been really itchy all night. When we were doing cams, I was itching soo bad. I don't know why though. I know some medicine (i.e. Vicodin, Lortab) can make you itch but I hadn't taken anything but my psych meds and tylenol.
Well I'm following a list so I guess I'll go take my night meds and do the next thing on my list.
Saturday, September 3, 2005
I hate snot
My nose is running again. I just ate, without any prompting from Harmony or anyone else. I wasn't really hungry but I ate anyway just so Harmony would be happy. I ate a Budget Gourmet Ziti Parmasagna tv dinner with extra cheese.
I really hate snot. I keep blowing my nose but it just fills right back up with yellow, bloody snot. Probably more than you wanted to know, eh?
Kylee and Dillon spent the night last night. They were (esp. Kylee) on my computer forever (read: over three hours). Today I took them to get Dillon a haircut and then took them both home. I love them tons but I wasn't sad to see them go home.
I haven't cut today but I want to. I don't really know why I want to. My legs ache to be sliced. I crave bleeding. I like to watch the blood drip down my leg. It's so calming.
I was stupid and didn't get up yesterday to go to the clinic. They're closed on Monday because of Labor Day so I'll have to talk to Grace on wednesday about getting another appointment, my computer chair, and gas for my car. I hope she's not upset with me. I was supposed to give her back the last gas card but I was sick and missed the day I was going to give it back and then she was off for a week.
Well Harmony is finally done eating so I'm going to go talk to her on the webcam.
acronym
| J | Jolly |
| E | Easy |
| N | Nerdy |
| N | Neat |
| E | Easy |
| L | Lazy |
| L | Lovable |
| E | Entertaining |
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
| S | Sensitive |
| K | Kinky |
| Y | Young |
| B | Bashful |
| L | Little |
| U | Unnatural |
| E | Extreme |
| F | Famous |
| U | Useful |
| S | Scary |
| I | Intense |
| O | Organic |
| N | Nice |
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
Friday, September 2, 2005
I Dont Care by Savage Garden
"I Don't Care"I ride this train in the windswept afternoon and the sunlight warms the faces of the faithless who are waiting I ride this train but I need a conversation mozambique or was it veronique?how about you pick the subjectand I'll listen to you?people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, I don't care people tell me that I need too much but I don't care, no I don't care I ride this train in a dream-like state of mindthrough a field of frozen memories imagination racing I ride this train but I need to make connections no I wasn't staring I was only trying to get some substance to get some meaning people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I need too much well I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I feel too much oh no cause I don't care no I just don't care anymore I will ride this train people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I need too much but I don't care, no I just don't care people tell me that I feel too much oh no cause I don't care no I just don't care anymore as I ride this train as I ride this train as I ride this train keep on riding this train as I ride this train as I ride this train oooh
Thursday, September 1, 2005
safe music
I am listening to one of my “safe” cds. The ones full of songs that make us feel better. The song that’s on now is “She talks to angels” by the Black Crows. I’m also talking to Fruan. He gave me some extra votes (for e2) and that’s helping me feel a bit productive. I would like to work on a write-up (mostly [West Virginia]) but just ain’t getting anywhere with it. I just can’t seem to focus well enough. The next song just came on. It’s Darren Hayes “Darkness”. His voice always makes me feel better. I cut some earlier today, just 10 small cuts that barely bled. I want to cut more but am trying real hard not to. “Ego” is playing now.
I have been contemplating Letting go of you egoThought I'd let you knowYou're getting oldIt was so irritating saving faceWhen I fell from graceThought you'd won a raceWithout a traceBut you stayedBut you remainedBut you.. It's always about youI have been quietly edging away To keep the flames at bayMake this puppy stayTo limit my use of personal Pro-nouns are the death of meSee I just said meYou're an endless seeThe vanity is all for you babeFor you babe For you..It's always about youI have been silently taking offenseAnd at great expenseAs my feeling dentI'm licking my scratchesIt serves no purposeDoesn't gratifyAnd you're dissatisfiedAnd though you're belly's full There's always more room for you babeFor you babeFor you..It's always about youNo.. no.. don't.. don't.. oh..
I’ve been posting a lot of lyrics lately. I post songs that touch me somehow, that i relate to.
I have been contemplating Letting go of you egoThought I'd let you knowYou're getting oldIt was so irritating saving faceWhen I fell from graceThought you'd won a raceWithout a traceBut you stayedBut you remainedBut you.. It's always about youI have been quietly edging away To keep the flames at bayMake this puppy stayTo limit my use of personal Pro-nouns are the death of meSee I just said meYou're an endless seeThe vanity is all for you babeFor you babe For you..It's always about youI have been silently taking offenseAnd at great expenseAs my feeling dentI'm licking my scratchesIt serves no purposeDoesn't gratifyAnd you're dissatisfiedAnd though you're belly's full There's always more room for you babeFor you babeFor you..It's always about youNo.. no.. don't.. don't.. oh..
I’ve been posting a lot of lyrics lately. I post songs that touch me somehow, that i relate to.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
10:20pm
It’s 10:20pm. I’m sitting at my desk because Harmony and Dawggy are watching me on cam. She’s up eating ice cream then she’ll go back to bed. Dawggy will probably go to bed soon too. He just told me he’s bored and tired. I want to journal some tonight and work on my West Virginia node a little bit. I already used all my votes.
Earlier my chest was hurting. It hurt to breathe. Now it just hurts a little bit, mainly when I take a deep breathe. I’ve been short of breathe a lot lately.
Last night I didn’t go to bed at all and took a three hour nap after I got home from the clinic. Yesterday I didn’t go to bed until 11:30am. When I close my eyes I see myself dead. When my eyes are open I see that man that no one else sees. I’m sure the bugs are after me. I feel them crawling across my skin. I haven’t cut since day before yesterday I think.
I feel kinda depressed and my leg is aching to be cut. I don’t want to go to sleep even though I’ve had less than 6 hours of sleep in the last two days. I don’t want to close my eyes. I keep seeing stuff in the mirror but when I look for them there’s nothing there. I think someone is spying on me.
Earlier my chest was hurting. It hurt to breathe. Now it just hurts a little bit, mainly when I take a deep breathe. I’ve been short of breathe a lot lately.
Last night I didn’t go to bed at all and took a three hour nap after I got home from the clinic. Yesterday I didn’t go to bed until 11:30am. When I close my eyes I see myself dead. When my eyes are open I see that man that no one else sees. I’m sure the bugs are after me. I feel them crawling across my skin. I haven’t cut since day before yesterday I think.
I feel kinda depressed and my leg is aching to be cut. I don’t want to go to sleep even though I’ve had less than 6 hours of sleep in the last two days. I don’t want to close my eyes. I keep seeing stuff in the mirror but when I look for them there’s nothing there. I think someone is spying on me.
Papercut by Linkin Park
"Papercut"
Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right beneath my skin
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first
But I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin (3x)
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right beneath my skin
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first
But I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
The face inside is right beneath your skin (3x)
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
Feel by Darren Hayes
You teach me how to feel
It feels all right
There's nothing left to fear
Finding myself
The further I go
Towards you
You teach me how to love
Parts of myself
I hated for so long
Loving myself
Through loving you
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Hiding all the pieces of my broken heart
Whereby I'm holding on
Whereby I'm holding on to you
You teach me to forgive
It feels all right
Compassion for your pain
Compassion for mine
The circle divides
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Holding all the pieces of my broken heart
Whereby I'm holding on
Whereby I'm holding on to you
Whereby I'm moving on
Whereby I'm moving on to you
It feels all right
There's nothing left to fear
Finding myself
The further I go
Towards you
You teach me how to love
Parts of myself
I hated for so long
Loving myself
Through loving you
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Hiding all the pieces of my broken heart
Whereby I'm holding on
Whereby I'm holding on to you
You teach me to forgive
It feels all right
Compassion for your pain
Compassion for mine
The circle divides
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Holding all the pieces of my broken heart
Whereby I'm holding on
Whereby I'm holding on to you
Whereby I'm moving on
Whereby I'm moving on to you
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
She talks to angels by Black Crows (yes I know I've posted these lyrics here before)
She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she’ll tell you she’s an orphan
After you meet her family
She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pain’s gonna make everything alright
Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet
Says she talks to angels,
Says they all know her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She don’t know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that ain’t nothing
But to me, yeah me,
It’s everything
She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, there’s a smile when the pain comes,
The pain’s gonna make everything alright, alright yeah
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
Oh yeah, yeah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, angels
They call her out by her name
Oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, they call her out
Don’t you know that they call her out by her name
In certain company
Yes, she’ll tell you she’s an orphan
After you meet her family
She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pain’s gonna make everything alright
Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet
Says she talks to angels,
Says they all know her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
She don’t know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that ain’t nothing
But to me, yeah me,
It’s everything
She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, there’s a smile when the pain comes,
The pain’s gonna make everything alright, alright yeah
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
Oh yeah, yeah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, angels
They call her out by her name
Oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, they call her out
Don’t you know that they call her out by her name
Pink "Don't let me get me"
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-haaa!
They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-haaa!
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
SUGARCULT "Sign Off"
SUGARCULT LYRICS
"Sign Off"
wake up all alone
sending postcards back to home...
on the road
if the medication works
could i be the way i was?
in control
you painted a picture
i'm the worst type of sinner...
you know
you painted a picture
happier than i can afford
nobody can save me
nobody can save me
nobody can say what i'll do if i'm alone
sign off
sign off
sign off
sign off
sign off (nobody can save me)
sign off
sign off (nobody can save me)
sign off
"Sign Off"
wake up all alone
sending postcards back to home...
on the road
if the medication works
could i be the way i was?
in control
you painted a picture
i'm the worst type of sinner...
you know
you painted a picture
happier than i can afford
nobody can save me
nobody can save me
nobody can say what i'll do if i'm alone
sign off
sign off
sign off
sign off
sign off (nobody can save me)
sign off
sign off (nobody can save me)
sign off
Wonderful by Everclear
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it’s all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world is so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna meet your friends
And I don’t wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now...
I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it’s all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world is so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna meet your friends
And I don’t wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now...
I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
August 29
It’s 2:30am. I just got out of the shower. I ate French fries earlier. I took my medicine at about 1:45am. I’m bored but don’t want to go to sleep even though I know I have to get up in I started my period what could now be called last night but for me it still is last night.
I saw my therapist this morning at 9am. We talked a little about me dropping out of school and about my computer troubles. We talked about my blog and I told her about the website <a herf=www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html>Secret Shame</a>. She wrote both secret shame and the address of my blog down on a post-it and said she’d look them up. She gave me a five page packet to work on this week. I’ve already finished it. It was a suicide prevention catalog.
I’m still congested. I’ve had to blow my nose several times today and it doesn’t get rid of all the snot.
It’s almost 3 pm. My stomach and back are hurting a little. I started my period last night. I feel very relaxed though, almost sleepy. I’m listening to mp3s and following a list. My list so far is:
Room/E2/Journal/Read/Other
It’s 6:35pm now. I’ve talked to Harmony on the phone twice today. She had to hang up the first time because she had to go potty and the second time because Dawggy’s friend’s were calling and he needed to call them back. I feel lonely. A little anxious. I added a number 11 to the list: bed.
My computer feels a little too warm. I turned it off for a while earlier when it got hot. Now I’ve propped it up on the corners of my stupid broken lap table and my weekly pill container.
It’s 8:26pm and I’m watching 7th Heaven. I haven’t eaten much today, just a couple mini caramel corn rice cakes. I just don’t feel like eating. I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. I’m trying to follow my list but not getting a whole lot done. I’m depressed, which makes being productive difficult, and not being productive just makes me more depressed. *sigh* Is this catch 22?
I wish I didn’t want to die.
I used to be able to just write and write and write. Just fill pages of my journals effortlessly. Nowadays I struggle to get my fingers moving over the keyboard or moving the pen.
I saw my therapist this morning at 9am. We talked a little about me dropping out of school and about my computer troubles. We talked about my blog and I told her about the website <a herf=www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html>Secret Shame</a>. She wrote both secret shame and the address of my blog down on a post-it and said she’d look them up. She gave me a five page packet to work on this week. I’ve already finished it. It was a suicide prevention catalog.
I’m still congested. I’ve had to blow my nose several times today and it doesn’t get rid of all the snot.
It’s almost 3 pm. My stomach and back are hurting a little. I started my period last night. I feel very relaxed though, almost sleepy. I’m listening to mp3s and following a list. My list so far is:
Room/E2/Journal/Read/Other
- Floor/Desk
- [West Virginia]
- Blog
- the realm of possibility
- Pictures
- Dresser
- Link [West Virginia]
- Harmony journal
- Bible
- Magazines
It’s 6:35pm now. I’ve talked to Harmony on the phone twice today. She had to hang up the first time because she had to go potty and the second time because Dawggy’s friend’s were calling and he needed to call them back. I feel lonely. A little anxious. I added a number 11 to the list: bed.
My computer feels a little too warm. I turned it off for a while earlier when it got hot. Now I’ve propped it up on the corners of my stupid broken lap table and my weekly pill container.
It’s 8:26pm and I’m watching 7th Heaven. I haven’t eaten much today, just a couple mini caramel corn rice cakes. I just don’t feel like eating. I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. I’m trying to follow my list but not getting a whole lot done. I’m depressed, which makes being productive difficult, and not being productive just makes me more depressed. *sigh* Is this catch 22?
I wish I didn’t want to die.
I used to be able to just write and write and write. Just fill pages of my journals effortlessly. Nowadays I struggle to get my fingers moving over the keyboard or moving the pen.
August 28
*yawn*
It’s a little after one am. I went to karaoke and got home a little after 12. I drank 2 or 3 Shirley Temple’s. I ate half of a cheese quesadilla. (Sergio and I shared it.) I also had some chips. The only other thing I ate today was some caramel corn mini rice cakes. I sang three songs, REALLY badly. I’m not a good singer to begin with but tonight I was congested which made my singing even worse. And I was short of breath again. I sang Runaway Train, as made popular by Soul Asylum. I also sang I Want A New Duck by “Weird Al” Yankovic. The final song I sang was Savage Garden’s I Knew I Loved You.
It’s 1:42am now. I’m a little tired but don’t feel like going to sleep right now. I’m scared. I’m afraid someone will get me while I sleep or the dreams will be bad. I know all the doors of the house are locked but I can’t help but be scared there is somebody in the house besides Grandma, Jiggs, and myself. I know the dog would probably bark if anyone else was in the house but I just can’t shake the feeling. Is this paranoia?
It’s 2:03am. I just took my bedtime meds. I worked up the courage to go into the kitchen and get something to drink so I could take the medicine. That wasn’t easy to do. I turned the kitchen light on and looked all over the living room and kitchen to try to reassure myself that no one was there.
I cut my legs. I know I shouldn’t do that, it causes scars and upsets my family and friends, but sometimes I NEED to do something.
It’s almost 3pm. I talked to Harmony for a little while earlier on the phone. I miss internet. I love talking to her on the phone but I also love talking to her online and doing all the other things I do online, like E2 and email.
It’s 7:20pm. I’m making 3 corn coblets. I’m watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.
It’s 8pm now. I ate my three little cobs of corn and now I’m watching cold case.
It’s a little after one am. I went to karaoke and got home a little after 12. I drank 2 or 3 Shirley Temple’s. I ate half of a cheese quesadilla. (Sergio and I shared it.) I also had some chips. The only other thing I ate today was some caramel corn mini rice cakes. I sang three songs, REALLY badly. I’m not a good singer to begin with but tonight I was congested which made my singing even worse. And I was short of breath again. I sang Runaway Train, as made popular by Soul Asylum. I also sang I Want A New Duck by “Weird Al” Yankovic. The final song I sang was Savage Garden’s I Knew I Loved You.
It’s 1:42am now. I’m a little tired but don’t feel like going to sleep right now. I’m scared. I’m afraid someone will get me while I sleep or the dreams will be bad. I know all the doors of the house are locked but I can’t help but be scared there is somebody in the house besides Grandma, Jiggs, and myself. I know the dog would probably bark if anyone else was in the house but I just can’t shake the feeling. Is this paranoia?
It’s 2:03am. I just took my bedtime meds. I worked up the courage to go into the kitchen and get something to drink so I could take the medicine. That wasn’t easy to do. I turned the kitchen light on and looked all over the living room and kitchen to try to reassure myself that no one was there.
I cut my legs. I know I shouldn’t do that, it causes scars and upsets my family and friends, but sometimes I NEED to do something.
It’s almost 3pm. I talked to Harmony for a little while earlier on the phone. I miss internet. I love talking to her on the phone but I also love talking to her online and doing all the other things I do online, like E2 and email.
It’s 7:20pm. I’m making 3 corn coblets. I’m watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.
It’s 8pm now. I ate my three little cobs of corn and now I’m watching cold case.
August 27
*rubs eyes*
It’s 1:40pm. I slept until almost one, when mom called. After she hung up I laid here and tried to get back to sleep for a while. Now my eyes are still sleepy. I just swallowed 2 Tylenol and my 2pm Buspar. I’m supposed to take the Tylenol 4 times a day but I usually forget.
Today is Saturday. I don’t know if I’m going to karaoke tonight or not. I might go since I don’t have any internet and am bored at night (and during the day too!). I don’t really have the money to go though. Marcie isn’t going.
It’s 3:30pm now. I just got off the phone with Harmony. We talked for quite a while. I talked to Danielle briefly before that. I’ve decided to go ahead and go to karaoke since I’m so bored at home without the internet.
It’s 5:18pm now. Harmony and Dawggy’s internet is down also so none of our votes will be used this weekend. I keep yawning. I’ve tried to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel depressed and I want to cut myself. I feel kinda anxious. I’m only a little bit congested today.
*sigh*
I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m frustrated with myself for not accomplishing anything. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. I keep thinking bad thoughts. The inside people are noisy today.
It’s 1:40pm. I slept until almost one, when mom called. After she hung up I laid here and tried to get back to sleep for a while. Now my eyes are still sleepy. I just swallowed 2 Tylenol and my 2pm Buspar. I’m supposed to take the Tylenol 4 times a day but I usually forget.
Today is Saturday. I don’t know if I’m going to karaoke tonight or not. I might go since I don’t have any internet and am bored at night (and during the day too!). I don’t really have the money to go though. Marcie isn’t going.
It’s 3:30pm now. I just got off the phone with Harmony. We talked for quite a while. I talked to Danielle briefly before that. I’ve decided to go ahead and go to karaoke since I’m so bored at home without the internet.
It’s 5:18pm now. Harmony and Dawggy’s internet is down also so none of our votes will be used this weekend. I keep yawning. I’ve tried to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel depressed and I want to cut myself. I feel kinda anxious. I’m only a little bit congested today.
*sigh*
I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m frustrated with myself for not accomplishing anything. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. I keep thinking bad thoughts. The inside people are noisy today.
August 26
*sigh*
It’s Friday, August 26, 2005. My modem finally completely quit today. They said they’d mail me a new one in three-to-five business days. That means I may not have internet until next Friday. It’s always something. First my computer needed a new hard drive. I finally got that replaced and now my modem has gone bad.
Today I stayed in bed until about noon then I sat up and talked to Harmony and Lostwarrior in #manicdepression. I got in a little bit of an argument with Dawggy today because I said I wanted to cut my neck open and was not very supportive of Harmony, who is not doing so well right now either. I left the chatroom. I know it’s immature but I don’t know what else I could have done to keep myself from saying something else stupid. I want to cut now just thinking about it. I already cut a couple times today. I feel really depressed and frustrated.
I talked to Harmony, Marcie, and Danielle on the phone today (separately). Harmony called me because I had called and left a message on their machine that I wouldn’t be online for about a week because my modem had died and I needed to wait for them to send me a replacement in the mail. Marcie and Danielle, I called. There is a “Girls Night Out” at a local female gym called Butterfly Life and I wanted to see if they wanted to go with me. Marcie has to go to her great-aunt’s birthday party at the hospital. Danielle is going to call me tomorrow sometime but I bet she don’t want to go. I may or may not go to karaoke tomorrow night. I don’t really have money to go but I might go anyways just so I don’t have to sit home alone with no internet.
I’m still congested but I haven’t been sneezing much today, just a couple of times. I haven’t even been coughing that much either but I have felt out of breath a lot. I’ve also been wheezing some. I have had several dreams that woke me up because I felt as if I were underwater and couldn’t get to the top. I wake up gasping for air.
It’s Friday, August 26, 2005. My modem finally completely quit today. They said they’d mail me a new one in three-to-five business days. That means I may not have internet until next Friday. It’s always something. First my computer needed a new hard drive. I finally got that replaced and now my modem has gone bad.
Today I stayed in bed until about noon then I sat up and talked to Harmony and Lostwarrior in #manicdepression. I got in a little bit of an argument with Dawggy today because I said I wanted to cut my neck open and was not very supportive of Harmony, who is not doing so well right now either. I left the chatroom. I know it’s immature but I don’t know what else I could have done to keep myself from saying something else stupid. I want to cut now just thinking about it. I already cut a couple times today. I feel really depressed and frustrated.
I talked to Harmony, Marcie, and Danielle on the phone today (separately). Harmony called me because I had called and left a message on their machine that I wouldn’t be online for about a week because my modem had died and I needed to wait for them to send me a replacement in the mail. Marcie and Danielle, I called. There is a “Girls Night Out” at a local female gym called Butterfly Life and I wanted to see if they wanted to go with me. Marcie has to go to her great-aunt’s birthday party at the hospital. Danielle is going to call me tomorrow sometime but I bet she don’t want to go. I may or may not go to karaoke tomorrow night. I don’t really have money to go but I might go anyways just so I don’t have to sit home alone with no internet.
I’m still congested but I haven’t been sneezing much today, just a couple of times. I haven’t even been coughing that much either but I have felt out of breath a lot. I’ve also been wheezing some. I have had several dreams that woke me up because I felt as if I were underwater and couldn’t get to the top. I wake up gasping for air.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
nonsense
it's about 2:15am. I took my new meds (luvox, buspar, risperdal, and cogenten) about 2. i've got a headache. i'm congested. i want to hurt myself. i wish i could die/ceice to exist. i can't write anything worth not deleting. i can't get myself to do much of anything. i'm such a loser. i'll never be worth anything.
if only i could find something explaining "how to kill yourself" which would make it fool proof, so i couldnt fail again and would make it so that i wouldnt hurt my friends /family. i dont think it exists
i dont know what to do. i dont want to sleep cuz i dont want to dream. i dont want to play games or read cuz i hvave a headache. i dont want to clean because i don't feel good. i want to cut but i promised i'd try not to
tommorow i'll prolly just lay here in bed all day. life sucks. actually i suck.
if only i could find something explaining "how to kill yourself" which would make it fool proof, so i couldnt fail again and would make it so that i wouldnt hurt my friends /family. i dont think it exists
i dont know what to do. i dont want to sleep cuz i dont want to dream. i dont want to play games or read cuz i hvave a headache. i dont want to clean because i don't feel good. i want to cut but i promised i'd try not to
tommorow i'll prolly just lay here in bed all day. life sucks. actually i suck.
Dropped out of college
I dropped out of college cuz after 5+ years at a 2-year community college I finally figured out that I'm never going to get a degree because I can't pass general education classes. Now I have nothing.
I can't write shit. I can't focus on reading. I have a cold or something. Feel like shit and depressed on top of that. I just want to die but I'd just fail at that too.
I can't write shit. I can't focus on reading. I have a cold or something. Feel like shit and depressed on top of that. I just want to die but I'd just fail at that too.
Friday, August 19, 2005
myspace
I've been working on my page on myspace. Kylee and Dillon are really involved with the site and I wanted to be more involved in their lives so I joined myspace. I found the Darren Hayes group on there.
I got a parking ticket today.
I went to the clinic in West Covina for bloodwork and parked on the street because their parking lot is really small and didn't see the sign that said no parking between 7am-3pm. I'm stupid. 
Dillon is spending the night so grandma bought us a pizza. I ate two pieces and was full.
I talked on the phone a lot to Harmony today because their internet has been down for two days now. I can't wait until that gets fixed. Neither can they.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Redid my computer today
Today I reinstalled windows. Harmony and Dawggy's internet has been down all day but I spent most of the day on the phone with them. Mostly Dawggy. He helped me over the phone to reformat my hard drive. We had to do this because nothing else worked to get a few programs (netmeeting, vnc, etc) and one specific website (the website for my online class) to work. The website works now and we'll be trying the other programs when Dawggy and Harmony get back online tommorow.
I didn't go to the clinic today because I fell asleep. I didn't sleep very well last night. I got up this morning, dressed, brushed teeth, etc. and then layed down for a minute and fell asleep for an hour and a half.
Tommorow I have to go to the West Covina free clinic to get blood work done so I have to fast for the rest of the night.
Some things still need to be installed on my computer. I've installed mirc, firefox, and itunes.
I didn't go to the clinic today because I fell asleep. I didn't sleep very well last night. I got up this morning, dressed, brushed teeth, etc. and then layed down for a minute and fell asleep for an hour and a half.
Tommorow I have to go to the West Covina free clinic to get blood work done so I have to fast for the rest of the night.
Some things still need to be installed on my computer. I've installed mirc, firefox, and itunes.
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