Dublin Sky - Darren Hayes

I've been down a lonely street tonight
And I don't know what's wrong with me
I don't know what's wrong with me

But clouds cover up a Dublin sky
I don't know what's left of me
I don't know what's right with me

And I tried to keep my distance
And I've sung Amazing Grace
I've tarnished all our memories
But there'll always be a trace of you
Of you

I remember laughing on that river's edge
Trying to get you to jump with me
Trying to get you to fall for me

And your trembling heart it beats so fast
Holding hands you promised me
Holding hands we counted to three

And I felt your slipping fingers
And I saw you change your mind
If I hadn't dragged you in with me
You would have left me dive without you
Without you

Yeah they send you all the way from Hollywood
And maybe that Dublin sky was changing you
It put diamonds in your eyes
I always thought we were gonna make it through
But I wanted to hear it first from you

How many days am I gonna regret you?
How many nights till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all those years
Held down by these tears
How many dreams have I left deserted?
How many hopes have been diverted?
Have I been buried in the dirt
Held down by this hurt
And how many lows did I let you highjack
How many ways can I study the playback
How did I end up lying here
Crying underneath a Dublin sky?
How many days am I gonna regret you?
How many nights till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all these years?
Drowning in my tears
How many nights am I gonna regret you?
How many days till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all these years
Drowning in my tears?

Slipping into eternity

Nothing interesting happened today. I picked up Kylee and Dillon from school. I went to the gym. I cut. I got bawled out by grandma. Same shit, different day.

So why am I bothering to blog? I honestly don't know. I have nothing profound to say. I have nothing important to tell anyone. I have no purpose in life. I am a lucky sumbitch. I have friends who care. I have friends who love me.

Tommorrow I will most likely be spending the day at Disneyland Resort with two of my friends and my little brother. I kinda wish my brother wasn't going but I feel bad about leaving him home. Kylee don't want to go.



Aren't they adorable? I wish Hannah wasn't so mean to me. She hardly ever loves on me. She likes to kick, hit, and bite me for no particular reason. This picture was taken today at Babies R Us.

"Wash Away Those Years -Creed

"Wash Away Those Years"

She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years

A Thursday at Disneyland

We had a pretty good day. Disneyland wasn't very crowded. The twins went on Monster's Inc., Mike and Scully to the Rescue for the first time. I think they liked it. Kylee and Dillon went off on their own for most of the day. Poor Daniel was constipated and had a stomach ache most of the day so I carried him a lot. I started my period this morning, and my backpack was heavy today...so my back is killing me now. Oh well. It was worth carrying the backpack for the snacks and drinks and it was worth carrying Daniel to make him more comfortable. Sitting on the ground for the parade and sitting on the floor for Playhouse Disney Live didn't help much either.

I've been eating WAAAAY too much lately. Starting tomorrow I'm counting calories (or points if I can find my book and calculator). I'm going to get serious about losing weight. I'm going to go to the gym 5 days a week (unless I go to Disneyland during the week) and doing some sort of exercise at home at least 6 days a week. I'm going to county points. I WILL lose weight. I WILL control my eating. I WILL exercise. I must.

I missed Sandye today. I usually talk to her EVERY day but today I went to Disneyland with my family and didn't get a chance to call her.

I didn't cut at all at Disneyland but I cut when I got home (after everyone went to bed). I put ointment on the cuts that are possibly infected and on some of the fresh cuts. I used a fresh, good, blade. I didn't cut too deep though. I want to SI more. I'm in #bus which helps some. I don't know if it'll be enough to keep me SI free for the rest of the night. I really really want to cut.

A day at Disneyland with Elaine

Elaine and I spent the day at the Disneyland Resort. We started off at California Adventures and then went to Disneyland in the early afternoon. We went on all the big rides in both parks except for the Matterhorn bobsleds. We ate cotton candy and churros. She bought her 4 year old grand daughter a pretty Minnie Mouse ear hat. We both had Ravioli for dinner. She liked the same rides I like. We went on Soarin' Over California and Astro Blasters twice each. It was a good day. I didn't cut myself all day until I got home. I waited until everyone was asleep before I did it. I didn't cut deep. I wanted to but I restrained myself from doing any serious damage.

"...mutilation out of sight and I'm contimplating suicide..."

I know suicide is not an option but I can't stop thinking about death. Ways to die. Reasons not to go on. I'm not going to kill myself. I just can't stop thinking about that. The only thing that helps relieve some of the tension of these thoughts is SI. I haven't done it at all today and it's 11:30pm. I really need to but I've tried and am trying every coping mechanism I know. I've got headphones on, turned up high to drown everything out. I'm listening to my favorite band, Savage Garden. I'm singing along and ignoring the world. I've been in the #bus chatroom all day/night. I'm writing. I don't know what else to do.

T
R
I
G
G
E
R

W
A
R
N
I
N
G


I want to cut so bad. I want to cut deep. I want to cut a lot. I want my arms and legs, stomach, and chest to drip blood. I want to play with the blood. I want to carve words into my legs. Die Bitch Die.

E
N
D

T
R
I
G
G
E
R

WTF is wrong with me? I have no reason to feel so depressed. There was no trigger to make me want to cut so bad. Or at least, there are no external triggers. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless. I feel an emptyness within me. Part of me is missing. It's been missing a long long time now. Someone took it away from me when I was just a little girl I think. I don't know. I don't know anything for sure besides the fact that I'm miserable and don't want to live but can't kill myself because it would hurt too many people too badly. I have to keep reminding myself that there are people who care about me and would be hurt if I died. I don't want to hurt anybody...

while my internet was down...

I don’t know what to do right now so I’m just going to type whatever my fingers want to type. I really want to go cut myself but I don’t want to get caught so I’m trying not to give into the strong urges I’m having. I have my headphones on blasting Savage Garden. I’ve drowned out the world completely. It’s just me and my music and my computer. Nothing else matters right now. Just keep typing. Just keep listening to the music. Feel your fingers move across the keyboard. Hiccup. I hate the hiccups. I really miss having the internet right now. Three more days. Three more long days.

The dish network guy is in my room. I’m sure he heard me singing but I don’t care. My headphones are up as loud as they go so I’m sure he can hear my music. Just keep typing. Ignore the world. Do not listen to anyone. Inside or outside. Just shut it all out. You can do this. You’ve done it before.

A thousand words will give the reason why I don’t need you anymore.

The cable guy left. I feel kinda hungry but don’t know what I want and already cheated on my diet today by eating a couple of junior mints and 2 thick pieces of cheese. So I shouldn’t eat anything else until dinner. More gum. Bubblegum.


5/8/2006 11:26 PM
I’m in a phase where cutting is enjoyable. It’s fun in a way. I’ve gone through a phase like this before, back when I first started SI’ing. I’m sure I’ll get over it in time. I’m sure my legs will heal back up and I’ll be able to go weeks at a time without SI. Right now I can’t go a full day without SI. I SI at least 3 times a day now. I want to do it right now. I wonder why I bother to attempt not to do it. I almost always end up doing it anyways lately. I need to see myself bleed. Just sit and watch the blood drip down my leg. I so wish I could cut up my arms but its summer weather now, which means short sleeves. Short sleeves means questions. I don’t want to try to answer the questions. If I tell the truth people are afraid of me and want to see me locked up. If I lie I feel guilty. It’s better just to force myself to stick to places easily hidden by my clothing.

5/8/2006 11:57 PM
I didn’t even try to stop it. I just cut. Only one cut this time, which is unusual for me, I usually cut in fives. I used a brand new blade and cut my lower left leg. It bled good. Unfortunately some of the blood got on my blue pants. Grandma will probably notice it tomorrow. I hope she don’t. I hate them knowing I do it. I only talk about it with my close friends and my therapists. I don’t like talking about it with my therapists but I do it so that they can help me. I want to quit cutting eventually. I’m not ready to give it up right now though.

5/9/2006 1:05 PM
My pants leg is covered in blood. Mom hasn’t noticed it yet. Hopefully she wont notice it at all. I didn’t realize I’d bled that much until I saw my pants leg when I crossed my legs a few minutes ago while I was eating a cherry yogurt.

5/9/2006 5:21 PM
I haven’t cut yet today. I really really REALLY want to though. I’ll have to change clothes to do it though. I’m about ready to put my pajamas on and cut my legs up some. I got to get on the kids’ computer today while mom went to pick Dillon up and take him to the dentist. I got to talk to Sandye for like 45 minutes or so. She made me feel guilty for cutting. Said I’m messing up God’s temple. Told me to pray for strength not to cut. I tried but the best I could do was pray I don’t cut to deep or get caught cutting. I’m sorry. I’m not ready to give up cutting right now.


5/9/2006 7:31 PM
I’m so fat. It’s my own fault. Like for dinner I had 4 cheese tacos with lots of cheese and a little bit of chicken. FOUR cheese tacos is way too much. I just put my pajamas on. I had to go pick up Kylee from school earlier. Then we had to go to the El Pollo Loco by her school so she’d get extra credit because the wrestling team was doing a flyer fundraiser today.
I just cut myself. Only one cut. I want so bad to cut four more times. You know what, I don’t care, I’m going to do it….

I’m such a loser. I feel like such a failure but the cutting is the only thing that calms my mind like that. Blood is dripping down my leg. I like to watch the blood drip down my leg. I’m sick, I know it. I need help. I need to work on accepting the help I’ve got.

5/10/2006 12:23 AM
My hair is still wet from the shower I took a little bit ago. I didn’t cut while I was in the shower but I cut a little before the shower. I washed most of the blood off but my leg started bleeding again when I was in the shower and I put one of my last couple bandaids on the kinda deep cut that is bleeding. My lower stomach was also bleeding a bit and it got on my granny underwear. Owello. It’s bound to happen from time to time when I’m in this phase.
The inside people are still around of course. They don’t come out like they used to though. Sometimes I miss that cuz it meant giving up control and just letting someone else do whatever it was for me. Other times I realize this means I’ve gotten better.
I just sit, wordless, a lot lately. I don’t know what to say but I have nothing else to do and my heads a mess and needs organizing. Cutting and writing are the only things that help to organize my mind.


5/10/2006 10:37 PM
Today was a long day. It started when I rolled out of bed just before 9:30am…the time which I should have already been there at the clinic. I got to the clinic a little after 10am. Dr. Mark was in there talking to the group. Normally it’s just the clients talking to each other from 9:30-10:30am. He was asking what could be done to improve clubhouse and what we like and don’t like about how clubhouse is now. After that clubhouse went on as normal on a Wednesday except the group was smaller than usual. Grace pulled me out of group toward the end of it to discuss how I was feeling about the “incident” on Monday. I didn’t and still don’t think of what happened as an incident. The facilitator on Mondays now is Dr. Cruz, a psychologist. She’s filling in for Sue, a nurse, because Sue recently had surgery on her hand for carpal tunnel. Dr. Cruz is a bitch and thinks she’s better than us. I told Grace the truth, I don’t like Dr. Cruz and will be skipping clubhouse on days I don’t have to be at the clinic anyways to see my therapist, Kelly. After clubhouse Grace said the doctor would meet with me at 12:30pm so I went to Subway’s next door and got a 12 inch cheese sandwich, a bag of green onion baked Lays chips, and a soda. I ate the chips and half the sandwich and saved the other half for dinner.
The doctor didn’t see me at 12:30 but did see me after Living Well group. I admitted in group and to the doctor and Grace that my cutting has increased to as much as 4 times a day on bad days. The doctor, Grace, and Sue all had to look at my legs. They said they’re infected and I need to see my family doctor. So I have to remember to call Dr. Girgis tomorrow. The doctor took me off Zyprexa and I’ll start taking Seroquel Friday. I forgot to take my meds today. But I didn’t miss my night time dose just the Buspar this morning and afternoon. My night meds are the important ones.
Danielle and John picked me up around 5:30. We went to McDonald’s. I had already eaten my sandwich so I sort of cheated and got a small hot fudge sundae. I don’t think it put me over 1200 calories by very much though since the chips were low fat and the sandwich was quite a few but not THAT much, I’m sure. We went to Target so Danielle could get her mom her mother’s day gift. She got her 2 DVDs. Then we went back to Danielle’s house and went walking. After we walked we played on her computer until American Idol came on. I showed them a couple of Group X songs. It made them laugh. Then we watched American Idol and Unanimou$e. After that she took us home.
I managed not to cut most of the day. I finally gave into the urge when John was checking his email on Danielle’s laptop. I went in her bathroom and cut my stomach 15 times. Very shallow cuts. I want to cut my arm right now, but I’m fighting it as best as I can.
Grandma walked in on me while I was putting on my pajama pants a little while ago. She asked “why do you do that to yourself?” I said “I don’t know”. I really don’t. it’s just something I feel compelled to do.

5/10/2006 11:44 PM
I cut my arms a little bit. I can’t cut as deep on my arms as I do my legs because I can’t pull the skin tight.

As soon as I got home (poss triggers)

I went to the clinic today. I saw my therapist and went to clubhouse. As soon as I got home I went in my room, closed the door, and cut my leg. It didn't bleed enough. I want to cut more. Deeper. Longer. Wider. I want to punish myself for cheating on my diet again. I ate a honeybun and a bowl of oatmeal. The oatmeal was 200 calories so that was okay as my breakfast but I shouldn't have had the honeybun. I want to cut my breasts to punish myself. It usually hurts when I cut my breasts. Other places don't always hurt.


I just cut my breast. I'm so stupid. What's wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so screwed up when I was doing so "good" before?!

Train - Give myself to you

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

Is this forever
This feeling I've got
Not enough and too much
So free and cornered
And something and nothin
Both at the same time
I'm either out of my head
Or I'm out of my mind

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

Is this forever
This feeling that I'm not movin at all and I just cant stop it
It's like I'm dreaming
And I'm wide awake too
Will you remember me
Cause I wont forget you

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

I guess I was savin my life for later
Or maybe I should have been givin myself to you
Now I will but I got to find out who I am before I do
Before I do

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you
When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I know, I'm gonna give myself to you
I'm gonna give myself to you
I'm gonna give myself to you

/me sighs

It's been another bad night. I cut again and want to cut some more but I'm staying in #bus and trying to fight the urges and the pushes from inside.

I need to make a list, and actually follow it...

E2/room/write/read/other

E2 vote/search
floor
blog (here or myspace)
bible
email

the animal song - savage garden

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
A television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous, people pushing me too far
I've got to break away
So take my hand now

[Chorus:]
'Cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

I've been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands, yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand, yeah

[chorus]

Sometimes this life can get you down
It's so confusing
There's so many rules to follow
And I feel it
'Cause I just run away in my mind

Superstars and cannonballs running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands, yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand, yeah

[repeat chorus to fade]

What's wrong with me?

I cut three times yesterday and twice the day before and I'm urgy still. I've been taking my meds. I've made progress on my room. Not a lot of progress, but some. I just don't feel good enough. I just don't feel good at all. I want to die but suicide isn't an option. I keep wishing when I drive that someone will hit me and kill me. I feel so hopeless. I feel so alone. I've been spending a lot of time in #bus, which helps some. Talking to Harmony helps sometimes too. Nothing but cutting actually makes me feel okay though. Even cutting doesn't always do enough. I can't cut deep enough.

Another bad day

I cut my stomach today. I'm a bit urgy again but I can make it at least a little while without doing anything. People in #bus are helpful. Mom was pissed today. It's all my fault. Everything's my fault.

I've made some progress on my room. The closet is cleaned out and a few things placed in there neatly. The floor is still missing and so is the bed. Before too long I'll clear off the bed (making the floor deeper down) and get in bed to sleep. I have to be at the clinic at about 9:30am for clubhouse and to get my meds. I missed clubhouse on wednesday because I just couldn't get out of bed so I need to get there tommorrow, well today now since it's 2am.

I'm listening to Launch (yahoo radio). I'm using my votes. I'm working on my room. I'm considering taking a shower but think I"ll wait til tomorrow to do that. I'm too anxious to deal with the water right now.

The urge is getting stronger. I wish I could just die. I hate myself. I have it made and I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate feeling the way I feel. I hate depression. I hate my skin. I hate my whole body. I hate zyprexa. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate!

I si'd again

I cut a little while ago. I was feeling hopeless and helpless and frustrated and just plain ol' upset. I cut my leg. Over an old cut. I'm feeling a little bit better now.

My room is still a mess but my family is all in bed. So I'm a bit more at peace. Not much, cuz my closet has exploded and my room was too cluttered even before that happened.

I wish I could get a node written. I just havne't been able to get in the mood to write one. I can't seem to get in the mood to do anything. I hate myself and I want to cease to exist.

outta gum and way over my calories

It's almost 1am. I don't feel the least bit sleepy. I have nothing but my thumb to put in my mouth. I'm completely out of gum and I went over my 1200 calories today by like 400. That's a major failure for me.

My hair is still wet from my shower. I don't particularly enjoy showering. I sometimes panic when I'm under the water.

I am urging to cut but I can't figure out why. Today wasn't a bad day at all. I did forget to go to physical therapy though. Just completly slipped my mind until this evening. Other than that I can't think of any triggers. I went to the gym today. I talked to Harmony, Dawggy, and his daughter Jess. I even made some progress on my scary closet. I got 2 boxes out of my room.

crucify-tori amos

"Crucify"

Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Hows it gonna be by third eye blind

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

Just sitting here

Mom is giving Hannah a bath and is going to give Daniel a bath when she's done. I should take a shower but I'll wait til everyone is asleep. That's what I usually do. I'm feeling kinda numb today. Not really depressed but not happy either. Just blah.

I've been to Disneyland Resort 5 times in the last two weeks. I'm not burn out on it yet. I can't wait to go again to the happiest place on earth. I always have fun there and it gets me away from my messy room. Going to Disneyland wears me out totally tho. That's the only downside, how tired and achey I feel the next day, but it's worth it.

I've been biting my fingernails a lot lately and I know this sounds childish but I sometimes suck on my thumb or finger. It relaxes me. I don't do it all the time, just once in a while.

I haven't been doing very good on my diet. Today I've eaten a Rollo, an Andes' mint, 2 coblets of corn, and french fries. I'm trying to stick to a 1200 calorie/day diet but it's so hard to turn down the sweats. It's really hard to go out and not buy stuff, like a churro or ice cream at Disney.

always love

Artist: Nada Surf Lyrics
Song: Always Love Lyrics


To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love? Hate will get you every time
Always love? Don?t wait til the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love? Hate will get you every time
Always Love?Even when you wanna fight

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it?d be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you've been dealt, you...

Always Love? Hate will get you every time
Always Love? Hate will get you?

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said?
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me...
Always love?hate will get you every time
Always love?hate will get you?

I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones

Happy Easter

I got a new shirt, the new Rascal Flatts cd, a Verizon phone, and a bunch of candy for Easter. I'm doing pretty good today.

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Rascal Flatts - When The Sand Runs Out Lyrics

I spent the morning at an old friend's grave
Flowers and Amazing Grace, he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin' his wheels
Never knowin' how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye
Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out

That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

Birthday

I had a good birthday. Mom got me a backpack purse and $25 dollars. Kylee and Dillon each got me a Rascal Flatts’ cd. John and Danielle bought me 2 pairs of workout pants and a shirt. Marcie bought me a hot/cold pack thingy that smells good. I ate 4 pieces of pizza and when we got home I ate a large piece of my chocolate/mint and chip ice cream cake. Tomorrow I’m going back to counting my 1200 calories and going to the gym.

It's my birthday

I went to the clinic this morning. Elaine brought in blueberry bread/cake for my birthday. Several people sang to me. Everyone thought they had to hug me. Caroline gave me a pretty felt bag. Maggie gave me some sticks you put in your hair. Later this evening we're going to Chuck E Cheese's. John, Danielle, and Marcie are all going to go too. My mom and siblings are all going too and I think my aunt Robin and her two daughters are going too. After that I get chocolate cake with mint and chip ice cream from Baskin Robins. I'm not counting calories today.

I'm baaaaaaaaaacccckkkk

For a long time I have been unable to complete anything. In fact, I could barely even start anything. But now I've accomplished a couple of e2 nodes and working on a couple more. I need 29 more to reach L7, which I made a goal at the beginning of the year to complete by the end of this year. That's going to be easy now, as long as I stay out of the deep rut I've been in.

A lot has been happening in my life. My breasts have been leaking a clear fluid so I went to the doctor about it. He sent me for blood work and a mammogram. I didn't get a mammogram though, the doctor there said I was too young and it wasn't neccessary I get one. They did an ultrasound instead. I have an appointment in a few weeks to go back to my new family doctor for the results of the blood tests.

I've been so exhausted all the time lately. Maybe it's part of having hormonal problems, which is what the doctor at the breast clinic said was the cause of the discharge from my breasts.