"...mutilation out of sight and I'm contimplating suicide..."

I know suicide is not an option but I can't stop thinking about death. Ways to die. Reasons not to go on. I'm not going to kill myself. I just can't stop thinking about that. The only thing that helps relieve some of the tension of these thoughts is SI. I haven't done it at all today and it's 11:30pm. I really need to but I've tried and am trying every coping mechanism I know. I've got headphones on, turned up high to drown everything out. I'm listening to my favorite band, Savage Garden. I'm singing along and ignoring the world. I've been in the #bus chatroom all day/night. I'm writing. I don't know what else to do.

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I want to cut so bad. I want to cut deep. I want to cut a lot. I want my arms and legs, stomach, and chest to drip blood. I want to play with the blood. I want to carve words into my legs. Die Bitch Die.

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WTF is wrong with me? I have no reason to feel so depressed. There was no trigger to make me want to cut so bad. Or at least, there are no external triggers. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless. I feel an emptyness within me. Part of me is missing. It's been missing a long long time now. Someone took it away from me when I was just a little girl I think. I don't know. I don't know anything for sure besides the fact that I'm miserable and don't want to live but can't kill myself because it would hurt too many people too badly. I have to keep reminding myself that there are people who care about me and would be hurt if I died. I don't want to hurt anybody...