Thursday, May 11, 2006

while my internet was down...

I don’t know what to do right now so I’m just going to type whatever my fingers want to type. I really want to go cut myself but I don’t want to get caught so I’m trying not to give into the strong urges I’m having. I have my headphones on blasting Savage Garden. I’ve drowned out the world completely. It’s just me and my music and my computer. Nothing else matters right now. Just keep typing. Just keep listening to the music. Feel your fingers move across the keyboard. Hiccup. I hate the hiccups. I really miss having the internet right now. Three more days. Three more long days.

The dish network guy is in my room. I’m sure he heard me singing but I don’t care. My headphones are up as loud as they go so I’m sure he can hear my music. Just keep typing. Ignore the world. Do not listen to anyone. Inside or outside. Just shut it all out. You can do this. You’ve done it before.

A thousand words will give the reason why I don’t need you anymore.

The cable guy left. I feel kinda hungry but don’t know what I want and already cheated on my diet today by eating a couple of junior mints and 2 thick pieces of cheese. So I shouldn’t eat anything else until dinner. More gum. Bubblegum.

5/8/2006 11:26 PM
I’m in a phase where cutting is enjoyable. It’s fun in a way. I’ve gone through a phase like this before, back when I first started SI’ing. I’m sure I’ll get over it in time. I’m sure my legs will heal back up and I’ll be able to go weeks at a time without SI. Right now I can’t go a full day without SI. I SI at least 3 times a day now. I want to do it right now. I wonder why I bother to attempt not to do it. I almost always end up doing it anyways lately. I need to see myself bleed. Just sit and watch the blood drip down my leg. I so wish I could cut up my arms but its summer weather now, which means short sleeves. Short sleeves means questions. I don’t want to try to answer the questions. If I tell the truth people are afraid of me and want to see me locked up. If I lie I feel guilty. It’s better just to force myself to stick to places easily hidden by my clothing.

5/8/2006 11:57 PM
I didn’t even try to stop it. I just cut. Only one cut this time, which is unusual for me, I usually cut in fives. I used a brand new blade and cut my lower left leg. It bled good. Unfortunately some of the blood got on my blue pants. Grandma will probably notice it tomorrow. I hope she don’t. I hate them knowing I do it. I only talk about it with my close friends and my therapists. I don’t like talking about it with my therapists but I do it so that they can help me. I want to quit cutting eventually. I’m not ready to give it up right now though.

5/9/2006 1:05 PM
My pants leg is covered in blood. Mom hasn’t noticed it yet. Hopefully she wont notice it at all. I didn’t realize I’d bled that much until I saw my pants leg when I crossed my legs a few minutes ago while I was eating a cherry yogurt.

5/9/2006 5:21 PM
I haven’t cut yet today. I really really REALLY want to though. I’ll have to change clothes to do it though. I’m about ready to put my pajamas on and cut my legs up some. I got to get on the kids’ computer today while mom went to pick Dillon up and take him to the dentist. I got to talk to Sandye for like 45 minutes or so. She made me feel guilty for cutting. Said I’m messing up God’s temple. Told me to pray for strength not to cut. I tried but the best I could do was pray I don’t cut to deep or get caught cutting. I’m sorry. I’m not ready to give up cutting right now.

5/9/2006 7:31 PM
I’m so fat. It’s my own fault. Like for dinner I had 4 cheese tacos with lots of cheese and a little bit of chicken. FOUR cheese tacos is way too much. I just put my pajamas on. I had to go pick up Kylee from school earlier. Then we had to go to the El Pollo Loco by her school so she’d get extra credit because the wrestling team was doing a flyer fundraiser today.
I just cut myself. Only one cut. I want so bad to cut four more times. You know what, I don’t care, I’m going to do it….

I’m such a loser. I feel like such a failure but the cutting is the only thing that calms my mind like that. Blood is dripping down my leg. I like to watch the blood drip down my leg. I’m sick, I know it. I need help. I need to work on accepting the help I’ve got.

5/10/2006 12:23 AM
My hair is still wet from the shower I took a little bit ago. I didn’t cut while I was in the shower but I cut a little before the shower. I washed most of the blood off but my leg started bleeding again when I was in the shower and I put one of my last couple bandaids on the kinda deep cut that is bleeding. My lower stomach was also bleeding a bit and it got on my granny underwear. Owello. It’s bound to happen from time to time when I’m in this phase.
The inside people are still around of course. They don’t come out like they used to though. Sometimes I miss that cuz it meant giving up control and just letting someone else do whatever it was for me. Other times I realize this means I’ve gotten better.
I just sit, wordless, a lot lately. I don’t know what to say but I have nothing else to do and my heads a mess and needs organizing. Cutting and writing are the only things that help to organize my mind.

5/10/2006 10:37 PM
Today was a long day. It started when I rolled out of bed just before 9:30am…the time which I should have already been there at the clinic. I got to the clinic a little after 10am. Dr. Mark was in there talking to the group. Normally it’s just the clients talking to each other from 9:30-10:30am. He was asking what could be done to improve clubhouse and what we like and don’t like about how clubhouse is now. After that clubhouse went on as normal on a Wednesday except the group was smaller than usual. Grace pulled me out of group toward the end of it to discuss how I was feeling about the “incident” on Monday. I didn’t and still don’t think of what happened as an incident. The facilitator on Mondays now is Dr. Cruz, a psychologist. She’s filling in for Sue, a nurse, because Sue recently had surgery on her hand for carpal tunnel. Dr. Cruz is a bitch and thinks she’s better than us. I told Grace the truth, I don’t like Dr. Cruz and will be skipping clubhouse on days I don’t have to be at the clinic anyways to see my therapist, Kelly. After clubhouse Grace said the doctor would meet with me at 12:30pm so I went to Subway’s next door and got a 12 inch cheese sandwich, a bag of green onion baked Lays chips, and a soda. I ate the chips and half the sandwich and saved the other half for dinner.
The doctor didn’t see me at 12:30 but did see me after Living Well group. I admitted in group and to the doctor and Grace that my cutting has increased to as much as 4 times a day on bad days. The doctor, Grace, and Sue all had to look at my legs. They said they’re infected and I need to see my family doctor. So I have to remember to call Dr. Girgis tomorrow. The doctor took me off Zyprexa and I’ll start taking Seroquel Friday. I forgot to take my meds today. But I didn’t miss my night time dose just the Buspar this morning and afternoon. My night meds are the important ones.
Danielle and John picked me up around 5:30. We went to McDonald’s. I had already eaten my sandwich so I sort of cheated and got a small hot fudge sundae. I don’t think it put me over 1200 calories by very much though since the chips were low fat and the sandwich was quite a few but not THAT much, I’m sure. We went to Target so Danielle could get her mom her mother’s day gift. She got her 2 DVDs. Then we went back to Danielle’s house and went walking. After we walked we played on her computer until American Idol came on. I showed them a couple of Group X songs. It made them laugh. Then we watched American Idol and Unanimou$e. After that she took us home.
I managed not to cut most of the day. I finally gave into the urge when John was checking his email on Danielle’s laptop. I went in her bathroom and cut my stomach 15 times. Very shallow cuts. I want to cut my arm right now, but I’m fighting it as best as I can.
Grandma walked in on me while I was putting on my pajama pants a little while ago. She asked “why do you do that to yourself?” I said “I don’t know”. I really don’t. it’s just something I feel compelled to do.

5/10/2006 11:44 PM
I cut my arms a little bit. I can’t cut as deep on my arms as I do my legs because I can’t pull the skin tight.



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