Kylee's taking over my room

I'm feeling really aggravated right now. Every time I stop using the computer for a few seconds, such as to look at my tv, (which, by the way, Kylee has now taken over) Kylee says things like "Can I use the computer since you're not using it?" I am using it damnit. This is MY room and MY computer. I paid for the computer and I pay rent every month to keep this room. I know Kylee doesn't have a room of her own but that's mom's fault, not mine. I just want to be left alone. I don't like her sitting behind me. I don't like being pressured to either use or get off my computer. It's MINE! not Kylee's or anyone elses. I can't ask her or tell her to go away. She'll get mad and go pout or cry, then grandma will be mad at me.

I want everyone in this house to just leave me alone and I want Harmony to get her butt off the couch and come talk to me. She went to take a nap like right before I got home from picking Kylee and Dillon up from school.

I'm hungry and I'm cranky. I'm fat and I have no energy. I want to be left alone and Kylee is taking over my personal space.

I just told Kylee "Why don't you go in grandma's room, there's nobody in there" and she slammed my remote control down on my printer and stormed out of the room. Now I feel guilty but I'm not going to go apologize to her. That'd just make things worse. I'm sorry I'm such a selfish bitch.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals

I haven't been getting much done lately. I was going to take Kylee and Dillon with me to turn in the cans and bottles. Kylee decided to go to the movies with her friends. Every time there's a bit of time to get something done she runs off with her friends. Can't say I blame her, but it's frustrating for me. I want to get these cans and bottles turned in before mom and grandma throw them out.

I feel a bit down and lonely today. Harmony and Dawggy haven't really been online today, and they usually get on by now.

Plumber

Today grandma called a plumber because when Kylee and Dillon took a shower the kitchen flooded. I need to take a shower but who knows if this guy is going to be done today.

Under my desk is wet. At first I thought a dog had peed but there's too much water there for that so it must be the shower causing it.

A quiet, cold day

The school and the clinic were closed for Martin Luther King Jr's today so we were all home. Everybody just kinda did their own thing. I spent most of the day in bed but not sleeping. I was very cold and down today.



I can't get the sound or internet working on Kylee and Dillon's new computer. The internet problem will be fixed but mom had to order cable internet (I have DSL) to get it to work. They're coming out Thursday, I think, to hook it up.

Dillon's birthday

Today was Dillon's 15th birthday. We went to Sizzler for dinner. Mom ordered him an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins yesterday and we picked it up on our way home. It's white cake and strawberry ice cream.

I cut myself again. I feel so useless. I can't even get Kylee and Dillon's brand new computer online. It may be the wireless adapter that's the problem, but it appeared to work fine on my computer but it may have been the internal wireless thingy that connected me and not the adapter.

I'm cold and not in a very good mood. I have things to do on the computer and my room is a mess but I'll probably spend most of the night staring at the tv from under my blanket on the bed.

Kylee's recital and other things

I'm sitting here listening to Darren Hayes' album, The Tension and The Spark. We (mom, Dillon, the twins, and myself) to Best Buy today and bought a computer for Dillon and Kylee. It came up to $1054 I think. That means I don't have to let them use mine all the time, so this is a good thing.

Last night we went to Kylee's musical theatre recital. Kylee did really good on her song, "Everything's coming up roses" even tho she hates that song. John and Danielle came to see it with us. Dillon went to a friend's house instead. After the show John, Danielle, myself, and Kylee went to Denny's. We laughed a lot. I'm down to almost nothing on my spending money for the month.

I cut today. Just 50 scratches really, on my upper legs. Stings a little. I want to cut deeper, I want a sharper blade. I need to cut more.

Just another night

I didn't do much of anything today. I picked Kylee and Dillon up from school, layed on the bed a lot, used some of my votes, and caught up on LifeSIGNS email. I ate spaghetti for dinner and some fruit cocktail and a piece of chocolate for dessert. I haven't taken a shower yet, but someone else did, I think Kylee, and hasn't come out yet.


Tommorrow I have to be at the clinic at 9:30am for clubhouse and then stay there til 2:30. Between 12 and 1 I just sit and wait for the Living Well group to start. I hope I'm not as tired and achey as I am today. I get so stiff when I stay in one position for too long (which isn't very long). It's harder to do things like pick up one of the twins, or pick something up from the floor. It's not as bad as yesterday though.

i'm acheing and exhausted

Yesterday Danielle and John and I went hiking. It was supposed to be a fairly simple 6 mile hike, 3 miles to the waterfall, 3 miles back. Danielle had gone hiking there a few years ago, while she was in high school still. At that time there was a road up the mountain to the trails. Well a couple years ago they closed that road to the public and never reopened it. That road is a steep uphill 3 mile climb. That was exhausting but we kept on going. We found a trail that led to the waterfall. It was a 4 mile hike there and 4 miles back. Then there's the 3 miles down the mountain. 14 miles total. We had to cross creaks several times. I, of course, have problems with balance so I slipped off of the rocks and soaked my shoes, socks, and lower legs. If JOhn wasn't so great about helping me I'd have fallen on my butt several times or gone face first down steep hills. John always goes much slower than he can go to help me try to keep up. Danielle stops as well and lets me catch up. John is a gentleman out on the trails, always holding my hand and guiding me through the difficult parts of a hike. I did fall to my knee at one point crossing the creak but I would have fallen several times without his help. On the way back up from the waterfall both patiently waited for me while I stopped many times out of pure exhaustion. My back and legs hurt so bad I just couldnt' walk anymore but stopping every few minutes with their constant support helped me get up that long hill. Once we were heading down the long road toward the car I was ok.

We walked and walked until we got to a pretty, natural waterfall. Once there we sat down on some rocks near the waterfall and ate the subway sandwhiches they had bought that morning (I gave Danielle the money for mine at dinner). We put them in my backpack and John and Danielle took turns carrying the backpack with the sandwhiches and several bottles of water. I offered to carry it some of the way but they knew my back hurt and didn't let me. I am thankful for that.

After the hike we went to Daneille's house for a little while before going to Burger King for dinner. I ordered a soda and some onion rings and ate the other half of my subway (cheese only) sandwhich. After that the three of us went to Starbucks because John's mom had given us each a $10 gift certificate for there for Chrismas. I got a medium (grande?) hot caramel apple cider.

When I got home I went to bed before being home very long. Probably 630 or 7pmish. I woke up at midnight, ate something, and took a shower. I then stayed up and took care of some things on the computer and watched some tv and went back to sleep around 3:30am.


Today I had to go to the mental health clinic, as I do every monday, wednesday, and friday. I was late getting there becuase I got ready this morning and layed down for "just a minute" and fell back asleep. So I left the house about 10 minutes later than I shoudld have. If my mom hadn't of woke me back up I wouldn't have gone at all. I saw Kelly, my therapist. She's the best therapist I've ever had. She always dresses uniquely. Today she had extensions in her hair. She encouraged me to blog more so that's why I'm writing this entry today. She could tell I was exhausted and in pain. I should be smart and not go hiking because I know the next day I feel like a big piece of elephant poop. I hurt all over. It even hurts to breathe. my legs and the bottom part of my butt hurt the worst, my upper and lower legs hurt too and of course my back hurts. It takes a lot of effort to sit or stand up. I tried to take a nap when I got home but didnt get to sleep long. I spent most of the afternoon and early evening in bed trying to sleep. Just about every time I'd just get comfortable and sleepy someone would come in my room. I hate days like that, which is most days.

Well I've been sitting in one spot as long as I can so I'm going to go lay down for a bit after I get something to drink. I'll have to get back up in a while to finish my votes on e2 and try to play catch-up with LifeSIGNS.

Am I tired or lazy or what?

I haven't felt like doing anything lately. It's a challenge just to get on the computer. I do very little of anything anymore. I lay in bed as much as I can. I flip channels on the tv (we've got cable now so there's more channels to flip through) or try to sleep. There are things on the computer I feel obligated to do (use my votes on e2, keep up with the LifeSIGNS board and email since I'm a Director, check my emails, write for e2, etc). I've only been doing some of those things.

I hate myself. I want to cut. I haven't been cutting lately but the urges are just building up worse and worse. I don't want to live anymore because I have no purpose or usefulness.

"Blank Sheet Of Paper" By Tim McGraw

I'm just a blank sheet of paper
This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry
For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness
For leavin you alone

He's been lookin down at me
It seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen
It's like he can't decide
What he wants to say
If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way

But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now its one hour later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

The sunlight is comin through the curtains
He's almost asleep pen in hand
There's a tear in his eye
That refuses to fall
If it would land on me
That would say it all

But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it's four hours later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

Oh but he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he wants you back again
One broken heart later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

Kill myself by Tim McGraw

"Kill Myself"

I'm gonna clean the house
I'm gonna fix the fence
In my final hours
I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

I wont leave a note
For anyone to find
Tomorrow they'll know
What I've done here tonight

[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself

Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there

And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive

[Chorus]
The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I have to kill myself

Gonna clean the house
Gonna fix that fence
In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

I've made my sister hate me

I'm sitting here crying yet again. Kylee's in the livingroom, where she sleeps, crying. She hates me for good reason. I'm rude to her all the time apparently. I really don't mean to be. I tried to apologize. I tried to give her a hug but she just wanted me to go away and leave her alone. I love her so much and I can't stand that she don't want to have anything to do with me. I can't stand seeing her so miserable. I feel so helpless. I don't know how to make it up to Kylee. I don't know what to do. I want to cut so bad but I'm afraid I'll get caught right now.

Which is most important to you--being popular, accomplishing things, being organised--and why?

Being popular is not very important to me at all. I never have been and never will be popular. I have friends, good friends, but I'm far from popular and it doesn't matter. Being organized, however, is important to me. It drives me nuts, depresses me, and makes me anxious how unorgainzed my room is. I want/need it to be organized but I just don't have the patience to get organized anymore. It sucks. Most important to me is accomplishing things. I need to accomplish something everyday, perferably more than just one or two things a day. They can be small accomplishments (i.e. showering, using my votes on e2, writing a paragraph for a node, getting some email sent, etc). I get really depressed when I don't have anything to show for my time. I feel useless, helpless, hopeless, anxiety, and a strong urge to self-injure. Today I didn't accomplish much. I plan on taking a shower after ER goes off, and everyone in the house has gone to sleep.

There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. -Johann von Goethe

Lately I haven't been journaling much, in large part because I can't think what to write. Today I used Blingo and looked up journal/diary prompts. The title of this entry came from those lists.

Ignorance in action, AKA Mando (my future ex-stepfather) serving my mom divorce papers before she could get her stupid lawyer to deliver him papers. Divorces get so damned complicated. Mando is going to do everything he can to make this divorce HELL for my mom because she left him. He never thought she'd really do it, I think. He thought he could continue treating her like shit forever and she'd just take it.

mom hates me

I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. I want to die and I need to cut more. I already made 100 tiny cuts but its not good enough. I’m not good enough. My mom is mad and everything is my fault. Its my fault that mando is such an asshole. Its my fault for having friends I confide in. mom made me hang up the phone when she called earlier so I wouldn’t tell anybody anything she said. Now I’m supposed to go over and help her move here. She don’t want me around but grandma says I have to go. I hate being around my mom when shes in a bad mood. I just want to keep cutting, deeper, wider. I cant stop crying. I want it all to end. I hate life. I hate being miserable. They’re all moving in here so now theres no escape from my moms moods and the babies fighting and all the noise. Theres no escape. I’m stuck. I can’t stand it. Please Lord, oh please take me away from my life. Please make it all end. Please take me away so I don’t hurt, anger, upset anyone. Please let me cut deep enough finally. I don’t understand what it is I did that was so bad to make my mom hate me.

Got a new computer

I haven’t blogged much lately because I went a month without a computer. I now have a new, better computer. My old computer was a Dell Inspiron 1100 with a 20Gb hard drive. Now I have an Inspiron 6000 with a 60Gb hard drive, a faster processor, and a few other features my old computer didn’t have, such as a DVD burner.

Today I cut. Right before my mom and Dillon and the babies showed up here. I got blood all over my pants and had to change. I also got some blood on my sleeve from the one small area I cut on my arm. I did it because I was floaty and didn’t want to lose time. While my family was here I could feel my still bleeding leg. Blood was dripping under my dark blue sweatpants I’d put on and the pants were sticking to the blood on my leg. I think Dillon saw the blood on my pants before I had a chance to change. I hope he don’t say anything to anyone.

I’ve been sleeping more at night and less during the day and I feel exhausted all the time. I want to go back to staying up at night while everyone else in the house is sleeping, and sleeping during the day. I get more privacy that way. With mom, Kylee, Dillon, Daniel, and Hannah all moving in I’m gonna need to do so more because they’ll be even less privacy here then.

Tomorrow I have to go to the clinic and should go mail my old laptop in before they decide to charge me. I got it in the box today. I just have to seal it and put the label they gave me onto it.

It’s Tuesday today. I wonder what comes on tv tonight that I like to watch.

SI SU OD

I have already SI'd some but I want to cut deep. I want to OD on anything I can find. I've promised Harmony that I won't try to kill myself. It don't make the thoughts go away. I don't want to floaty. I don't wantto lose anymore time. I need something to focus on but I can't focus on my writeups very good right now, I tried. I'm out of votes and entered like 30 sweepstakes online. I don't know what else to do.

Sneezy

It's almost 4pm. I got up around one or one thirty and have been sneezing and snotting ever since. I feel crappy today. I'm still tired, but cannot sleep. I have an earache probably caused by pressure from all the snot. I have a bit of a headache too.

I got a new chair

My case manager gave me a nice high backed computer chair and two new long sleeve shirts.

I broke my glasses on friday, at the clinic, I was trying to fix them cuz the babies had somehow managed to bend the plastic. When I tried to bend it back they snapped in half. I cut last night.

Today (saturday) I took Kylee to a play at a church in La Puente that her friend was staring in.

I feel kinda depressed and I'm sick and tired of being so damn tired.

random thoughts

My therapist says I should journal more. So I’m going to try to journal even though I have nothing to say.

I slept from like 2:30 or 3am until just after 4pm. I was so tired. I’m still tired. It don’t matter how much I sleep I still feel exhausted and I’m not sure why. It doesn’t matter if I sleep just a few hours, eight hours, or thirteen hours, I’m tired.

The guy from the library called back today. I go Thursday morning at 10am to meet with him so he can show me the ropes. Then the following Tuesday, the 27th I work from 1 to 4:30pm. I’m a little nervous about this all. What if I can’t remember what he tells me on Thursday?

I don’t know what else to say. I’m in the #bus chat room. Harmony went to bed hours ago. Dawggy is probably in bed by now too. I was talking to choi in #manicdepression but she went to bed a little bit ago. I already used all my votes on e2 and I don’t feel like reading the SI message board right now. Maybe I’ll go write in the journal I share with Harmony.

Memory of the boy/T homework

The homework my therapist gave me triggered something inside me.  It brought back those dreams of the boy.  The memory of the boy has been haunting me on and off for many years.  
I was probably 4 years old at the time, possibly 5 but I don’t think I was in school yet, but I may have been.  My mom had left me with a babysitter a couple of times because she had to go to court with my grandma because my grandma was in a class action suit against these people that sold my grandfathers body parts before they cremated him.  I was left with a woman who lived in the same apartment building as my mom and I lived in.  The woman took me with her to the house she usually babysat for this family at.  Iremember there was a boy my age and his brother that was a littleyounger  I think there was a little sister as well but that much I’m not sure about. I know this for sure. The part that keeps repeating in my mind is this:
The boy took me into his room and closed the door. Then he said "Let's have sex" I know he really said this. I remember telling him that sex was for grown ups. He said it was okay because kids can have sex as long as it's kid sex. He said kid sex was when you left your shirts on. Where it starts getting confusing is this:
Sometimes I remember him having red hair, sometimes light hair and sometimes brown hair. Sometimes I think the little brother was in the room and sometimes I think it was just the two of us. This scene plays over and over and over in my head. I can't remember either of the boys names but I don't think I could remember their names even then. I knew the boy got on top of me and I know he undid his pants but then it's all a blank. This scares me. I don't know if he did something to me or if the babysitter came in or what. This scene plays in my head over and over: him closing the door and saying letshave sex and me saying no that was for grownups and him saying it was ok if we left our shirts on and then climbing on top of me while I tried to squirm out from under him as he undid his pants. Then it goes totally blank. I know this really did happen. I can't remember for sure what he looked like, if his brother was in the room, if we got caught, or if he did something to me. I never went there again after that day. I know I made it clear to my mom I didn't like it there but not why. I think I went away that day like I do sometimes now. I think elly came into being that day.  I just go to this other place in my head. I don't know what’s going on. I can't feel anything happening to me when I do that. My body and my mind just aren't together. I feel no pain or anything else. this scares me. I keep repeating this scene over and over and my head. I can't make it stop. I see if when I sleep. When he climbs on top of me i either wake up scared or the scene starts over from him closing the door. When I'm awake it plays over and over. it makes it hard to think straight. it's been bugging me for years but lately, once again it's been worse.


The homework was called “ASSESSING THE DAMAGE” and was a series of questions with the answers being either always, usually, sometimes, rarely, or never.  
The first set of questions is on “Self-esteem”:
I feel dirty, like there’s something wrong with me (usually)
Sometimes I think I’m crazy (usually)
I feel ashamed (usually)
I’m different from other people (always)
I feel powerless (usually)
If people really knew me, they’d leave (usually)  [If it wasn’t for Harmony and Marcie I’d feel this way all the time]
I want to die (usually)
I want to kill myself (sometimes)
I hate myself (usually)
I have a hard time taking care of myself (sometimes)
I don’t deserve to be happy (always)
I don’t trust my intuition or feelings (usually)
I’m often confused (always) [Hence the blog name “confusedalot”]
I don’t know how to set goals and follow through on them (usually)  [I can set goals just can’t follow through]
I’m scared of success (sometimes)
I’m a failure, I don’t feel capable of doing a good job (always)
I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. (rarely) [I kinda throw myself into writing sometimes though.  And I used to use school]
I’m a perfectionist (sometimes)
I’ve made up a lot of stories about my life (never?)  [I’m not really sure what this question is asking…if it means pretend lives in my mind then usually but not any that I’ve ever told another person)
I’ve done a lot of shoplifting (never)

The second set of questions is on “my feelings”:
I don’t think feelings are very important (usually)
I usually don’t know what I’m feeling (usually)
I can’t tell one feeling from another (sometimes)
I only experience one or two emotions (sometimes)
I have a hard time expressing my feelings (usually)
I have a hard time crying freely (sometimes)
I cry all the time (sometimes)
I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy (always)
I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm (sometimes)
I feel enraged a lot of the time (rarely)
I’m rarely angry.  Anger scares me (usually)
I get depressed a lot (always)
I have a lot of nightmares (sometimes)
I have panic attacks (sometimes)
If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control (sometimes)
I’ve been violent (rarely)[Never, unless you count SI as violence]
I haven’t been violent yet, but I’m worried I might be. (rarely)

The third section is called “My Body”:
I’m not “in my body” a lot of the time (usually)
I frequently space out (always)
My body often feels numb. (usually)
I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me (always)
I don’t pay too much attention to my body’s signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). (usually)
I think my body is ugly (always)
I hide my body (always)
I’m dyslexic.  I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. (sometimes)
I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should (never)
I often eat compulsively (rarely)
I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up (sometimes) [I don’t throw up]
I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn, or injure myself) (always)
I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse (rarely)
I’ve worked out to make my bod strong so I wouldn’t feel like a victim (never)
I’ve had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures (never)
I’m scared to go to the dentist.  I hate the feeling of things in my mouth (usually)
I’m scared to go to the gynecologist (always)

The next section is “Intimacy”:
I often feel alienated from other people, as if I’m from another planet (always)
Most of my relationships just don’t work (always)
I don’t have many friends (rarely)
I’m okay with my friends, but I just can’t work things out with a lover (usually)
I think I’m really meant to be alone (usually)
I’m not sure I really deserve to be loved. (always)
I don’t know what love is (sometimes)
I find it hard to trust people. (sometimes)
I think people are going to leave me (always)
I test people a lot (usually)
It’s hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else (usually)
I’m clingy with people I’m close to.  I’m afraid to be alone. (usually)
I’m scared of making a commitment.  When people get too close I panic (sometimes)
I have a hard time saying no (usually)
People take advantage of me in relationships (sometimes)
I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible (rarely)
I’ve had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser (rarely)
I’m struggling a lot with my partner (never)
Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser (never)
Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship (rarely)

The next set of questions is on “sexuality”:
I’ve been sexually abused as an adult (rarely)
I need to control everything about sex (rarely)
I have a hard time staying present when I make love.  I’m numb a lot during lovemaking. (always)
When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don’t understand (usually)
I often have flashbacks of my abuse when making love (always)
I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse (never)
Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on (never)
I’m ashamed of my sexuality (always)
I’ve sexually abused others (never)

The second to last section is “children and parenting”:
I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children (rarely)
I have a hard time being affectionate with kids (rarely)
I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids (sometimes)
I have a hard time balancing children’s needs with my own (sometimes)
I feel inadequate as a parent (never)
I have trouble protecting children I take care of (sometimes)
I tend to be overprotective (usually)
I’ve successfully protected children (sometimes)
I’m scared I’ll be abusive (rarely)
I have abused children (never)
My kids have been abused by someone else (never)

The final set of questions is “My family of Origin”:
I have strained relationships with my family (rarely)
Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) (sometimes)
I have a hard time setting limits with my family (sometimes)
People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences (usually)
I feel crazy when I’m around my family (usually)
I can’t be honest with the people in my family (always)
Sexual abuse is still a secret in my family (usually)
There’s still incest in my family (never)
I’m waiting for the people in my family to come around and support me. (rarely)

bad day/night

I've cut on three seperate occassions today. Nothing too bad. But I did cut in a private place. Just scratches but its bad that I cut *there*.

Dawggy says he understands but he just doens't. He just made me feel bad again. The second time I cut today was after he upset me. He don't believe me about my experiences in the hospital. He says I don't try to get help and he didn't use the words but he basically called me a liar about the doctor smoking while he met with me. That hurts a lot. The doctor DID smoke while he talekd to me and blew smoke in my face. I can't stand being called a liar. No matter how much he argues that he understands about my SI he really doesn't. I don't think he ever will or can.

Harmony tries so hard to help me and I feel so bad that I hurt her by hurting myself. I know she feels helpless. I wish I didnt hurt her so. I wish she didn't feel like a failure because of me. I was so mean today. I basically said her life was as pointless as mine. I didn't mean to attack her like that. I feel really bad and just want to cut again. I'm so stupid.

I'm sorry.

"darkness" lyrics...darren hayes

"Darkness"

Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got
Covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

I have been waiting
Always waiting for something new
Happiness has always ended
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
No one attending

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I got covered in darkness
Covered in darkness
Ever wonder why I never really truly connect
Although my eyes are open
I can hold your gaze
But I am never connected
Never connected

I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love
Give than receive love

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

Turning pages over
Run away to nowhere
And it's hard to take control
When your enemy's old and afraid of you
You'll discover that the monster you were running from
Is the monster in you

Better to hold on to love
Better to hold on to love
Change will come

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

It doesn't really matter where it all began
Cuz all I know
I was lost
I was lost
No, no

It doesn't really matter where it all began no no
All I know
I was lost
I feel lost
Lost
No...

good day

Had a good day today.  This morning I got up, went to the clinic, talked to Grace briefly, then went bowling with Clubhouse.  I bowled a 102 (with bumpers!).  Grace said that she was going to go shopping for me and get me a chair.  She also said that the doctor would squeeze me in on Monday.  Monday’s going to be a long day.  
After bowling one game I left and headed to my moms house.  She wasn’t there when I got there so I called grandma to see if she knew where she was.  Grandma didn’t know.  It wasn’t too long before mom, Mando, and the twins got back.  Mom took me to the neurologist.  It was in a building I’ve been to before.  

Well I started writing this last night and got side track.  The neurologist gave me a pain medicine for arthritis and an appointment for a month from now.  He said he was going to try to get an MRI approved.  
After the doctors appointment we went back to my moms house, where my car was.  I didn’t stay very long.  I went to the pharmacy and got the Mobic the doctor prescribed for me.  I then went home and talked to Harmony.  
Darren Hayes website has/had a clip of his new song, “So Beautiful” on the front page.  That excited me.  I played the clip over and over again.  

Today I got the superstars and cannonballs Savage Garden from choi.  Choi is a friend from #manicdepression.  I’ve been watching it most of the day.  I didn’t get out of bed until like 2pm.  I slept a lot.  I took a nap from like 7:30-10pm.  Then I slept from like 4am, on and off, until about 2pm.  I felt exhausted when I finally got out of bed, still feel tired even though it’s now 4:40pm.  Such a lazy day.  I need to send choi a thank you card for this dvd.  It’s really helped me get through the day without cutting myself.  

Well I guess I’ll post this now since it’s taken me so long to write it.  

late night short ramble

It’s one thirty on Friday morning. I have to be at the clinic at 9:30. We’re going bowling. Then I have to hurry over to my moms house to go to the neurologist.

Word of the day:
egress \EE-gress\, noun:
1. The act of going out or leaving, or the right or freedom to
leave; departure.
2. A means of going out or leaving; an exit; an outlet.

intransitive verb \ee-GRESS\:
To go out; to depart; to leave.

It’s 2:40am. Not long ago I ate some peanut butter and crackers then drank a large cup of orange juice. I’m at 211 now. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. I shouldn’t eat at night. I really shouldn’t eat at all or just once a day instead of the 5 or 6 times I have been eating. I want to cut now because I was so stupid and ate so much today. I’m so pathetic.

Tomorrow morning, well its today now, I have to be at the clinic about 9:30am. We’re going bowling. Then I have to rush to my moms house so we can go to my neurology appointment. I need to talk to my case manager, Grace. I was supposed to go shopping with her today but I forgot about my appointment. I need another pdoc appointment cuz I missed my last one and am out of meds.

Grandma’s yelling at me to go to sleep cuz it’s 3am. I don’t feel like sleeping though. 