only 13 papers

For english i have to have at least 21 typed tasks. I've only got 13 in my portfolio now. How am I going to get all those tasks done, get all the typing done and all the psych homework done? i'm so tired. i hate myself and i want to die.

i went to grandmas house after class and ate two big bowls of spaghetti and she sent me home with some. i just want to go to bed ad hidde and si and sleep. sleep forever. i gotta pass these classes tho. i can't handle flunking out again.

Trying so hard

I'mtrying really hard to get my school work done, at least pretend to laugh at my friend's jokes, and not cut or think about how to perfect a suicide plan. I've been working on typing for HOURS. I'm only maybe a little more than 1/3 of the way done with the work for typing class that is due this weekend. It's already thursday. I hate myself and I want to die. I suppose that's my motto nowadays. I got a couple of the dishes washed but not all of them. Mostly I've just been typing and typing. I hate this stupid typing class. The only thing I'm glad about for that class is that I took the online version instead of sitting in a classroom a few hours a week listening to lectures on how to type. well its back to the damned typing ...

"I gotta go"

I hate it when she says that. It always makes me cry. i dont mean to trigger her i dont mean to hurt her. i try really hard not to say the wrong thing but i always say something wrong and get the "I gotta go". i cant stop crying again. i already cut and crying crystal. she told me she hopes i get in touch with reality. this IS my reality. the inside poeple are myreality. pain is my reality. lonliness is my reality. life sucks. i hate myself and i want to die. die bitch die make the pulse stop. so much snnot. i hate crying. ihate being such a terrible person. i hate hurting my friends. maybe losing me would actually be easier on my friends and family than dealing with me...

pulse

The chant of die bitch die is relentless. the "you need to make the pulse stop" isn't helping either. i've been crying. crimson. i've been hiding in bed. i am a mess today. i want so bad to be a selfish bitch and die. i don't havea plan tho. I don'tknow how to successfully kill myself so i can't even try. i have to get my school work done cuz i cant handle flunking again. i dont knowif i can do it. i'm gonna go hide and maybe cry some more dont know what kind of tears

angry

i hate the fact that i feel angry at the people i love. why? cuz i want to die. i've been called a selfish bitch many times, especially by my mom but if i were really a selfish bitch i'd be dead. the only reason (besides the fact that i'd just fuckitup and make things worse) that i'm not dead is because i dont want to hurt the people i love like my family and harmony, dawggy, and marcie. i keep crying. both crystal and crimson tears. dawggy told me i need to quit fucking up but i'm trying and i'm failing. :'( i dont know how to keep myself from cutting and crying. i dont know how to keep myself from saying the wrong thing. i dont know how to be a good person. i dont know how to get all my school work done without flipping out. i'm scared. i can't handle flunking out again.

didnt go get my meds

i was supposed to go to the clinic today to get my meds but its almost 4pmand i just cant getmyself dressed and out the door. its not like the meds are helping anyway. i've already cut twice today. i want to cut again. its the only relief i have the longer i'm able to bleed the better it feels. i wrote die bitch in my blood on my leg. die bitch die keeps being repeated in my head. david wont shut up elly wont stop crying helen screams i have to make it through the weekend without making a fool proof plan. i'll go to the clinic on monday and be at least somewhat honest with them. i just wont mention the fact that if i had a fool proof plan to die, one i just could never survive, i would do it and just fuck my family and friends. i dont want to kill myself. i'm scared. i dont want to hurt my family and friends. they love me for reasons i have never understood and probably never will. i have been trying to get homework done today but i've spent most of the day going back to bed and listening to the stupid tv. i'm haveing a really hard time writing an essay for english and a terrible time trying to understand the directions in the typing book and typing without too many errors. as for psych i keep reading over the answers. i know they're in that section cuz of the headings but i'm just not comprehending what i'm reading. i hope no one reads this. i'm so pathetic.

Home from school

I know I've been blogging a bunch, mostly short shit revealing shit I shouldn't talk about. I'm sorry. I have no one to talk to right now that I won't trigger. I'm lonely. I'm a basketcase. I'm a loser. I'm FUBAR.

Today in class we had to get up in front of the class and debate abortion. One group gets an A the other group gets an F. We got an F. I then had to go buy a blue book for the EPE I have to take ontuesday. more homework. have to plan an essay that i can have very little notes for that i have to write in class. i suck atinclass essays even when i'm at my best. right now i'm a mess. depressed. even thinking that suicide would be ok if i could just figure out a fool-proof plan, something I just cannot ever survive. i have no idea how i can do that tho so if anyone actually reads this shit i type here don't worry. i'll still be alive tomorrow.

i want so bad to cut right now. cut alot. bleed alot. iwant tokillthis damn spacebaronmy laptop! I can't keep my mind off of doing "something stupid" likecutting or writing a suicide note. i'm scared of myself. i'm also scared of the bad man. even tho dawggy told me he's notreal. i know dawggy is prolly right. he usually is but he exists to me. i can see and i can hear him, tho not usually at the same time. i'm scared of him. he wants to hurt us again. he wants to make me miserable but i'm already miserable enough.

i dont even know what triggered all this. i've been cutting at least once a day all week and i had gone like a month without. i'm typing now to keep my fingers busy until i can get my thoughts onto schooland off of the blade thats so close yet so far from me at this very moment. i have run out of crystal tears and now have to cry in crimson...i'm sorry.

Really frustrated

i can't get past the stupid 5 minute timed writing with lessthan 5 errors. i get like 20 errors and thatstyping really slow, like 26 wpm. i just cant do it. i cant do anything. i cant find the answers for psych i cant get my englsih shit organized. all i want to do is go to bed and cut more. i already cut a little bit today. i gotta stop cutting. i was doing good and now i'm overwhelmed and cant stop thinking aqbout blood and death and my own failures. my therapist called yesterday and cancelled todays appointment without even asking me how i am. my dentist put my front teeth thingy in crooked. i'm pissed off. wanna cry but cant which makes it even harder not tocry crimson tears. its the only way i can get it out

bad night

I cut again last night, just a little. I was in bed early but not sleeping much. The bad man is back. I'm scared. I wish I had someone like Harmony has someone to be there with her and protect her. I don't know what to do with myself. i'vebeen taking my meds. i'm a mess.

i want to give up

i want to give up on life and i want to give up on school and i want to give up on trying not to cut


idont know whattodo. i've got my teddy bear and princess in my arms. the tearshave stoppedfor now. my leg keeps bleeding. i hanve't cut today still but i really want to. i cut my leg yesterday and it keeps bleeding every so often. i got blood on my slippers.

feeling like shit

iache all over. i want to si. iwant to gohide in bed. i'm hot. i have a headache. i dont feel like doing anything. i'mscared i wont get my school work all done in time because i'm having such a hard time working on it. what the hell is wrong with me? i'm such a failure. i'm such a loser. i can't ever relax and be happy. i understand why people turn to drugs. I wish i could do drugs and feel different. the feelings would probably last longer than those from cutting.

Dentist

I went to covina dental today to get my bridge put back in again. its in crooked now. that pissed me off. and she don't explain anything to me she tells my mom. i'm 26 not 6 i'm old enough and smart enough to comprehend what needs to be done if she'd just tell me.

i havent cut today but i really wantto. kellycalled and cancelled my therapy appt tomorrow. that pissed me off too cuz i was going to be honest with her about how i've been this week. i didnt get to talk in group and now once againi can't talk toher one on one. i've got nowhere to turn. idont want to end up back in the damn hospital again. damnit i'm crying again

Every day again? *don't read*

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. I cut, I cut, I cut. I want to cut more. I got blood on my sheet again today. They are my newest sheets too. I've been biting my fingernails worse than usual. I have a few sore fingers from the nails being bit off too short.

Harmony and Dawggy can barely talk to me now. Not just because I'm a basket case but because of their own depression. The storm they have over their area isnt' helping Harmony. I wish I could be more supportive for her but I have no idea what to say. I keep crying. I don't want to live anymore. I'd kill myself except for I'd fuck it up and even if I didn't it would hurt my family and friends more than what I can do by faking my way through the day. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be fine when I'm around my family, at the clinic, and at school. I know I shouldn't pretend at the clinic but I'm scared not to. If they knew the kind of stuff going on in my head they'd say I need to be IP. Going IP has never helped me. It just puts off the inevitable. I eventually get released and figure things out on my own. They put me on new meds but most of the time they get changed again when I go back to my regular pdoc. I have no idea why I'm crying so much. I have no idea what has triggered all this shit. Iwas fine, thinks are going well i even got my rent reduced. then BAM my head was flooded with dark images sounds and feelings. i want to cut more. deeper. bleed more. i want to feel the relief that comes with the cutting, the crimson tears.

i cant get thoughts of dying out of my head. i cant get thoughts of how lucky people who've died are. i don't know what to say to anybody especially harmony. she can't handle my shit right now and i cant think of any happy shit to talk aboutwith her.

i cut again

after dawggy said have a nice life i was even more upset and despite marcie trying to help me i ended up getting dizzy and having to go lay down then i got up once it passed i cut a lot. most are not deep but theres several of them. i'm not blaming him or anyone. i just coudlnt take anymore. i feel a little better now but really lonely and depressed but not as freaked out.

I want to die

No one can deal with me. Not even me. Dawggy told me to have a nice life. I keep crying. I didnt mean to make him mad.He said I'm not sorry that he hates that word. I don't know what else to say. Europa is talking to me. She's trying to figure out whats wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to SI but I don't even know why I'm trying not to at this point. I wish I could just die. I'm not going to try to kill myself because it'd just make things worse cuz I'd surely fail and then everyone would be even more mad at me. I never meant to upset anyone. I don't know what is wrong with me all I know is its more than I can handle.

alone by edgar allen poe

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring —
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov'd — I lov'd alone —
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn
Of a most stormy life — was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still —
From the torrent, or the fountain —
From the red cliff of the mountain —
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold —
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by —
From the thunder, and the storm —
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view —

The noise surrounding my silent tears

The tv is on. I've got my agent on in #bus and the conversation there is going quickly. I've been pretty much ignored in there tonight. Harmony don't feel well and Dawggy can't type because he's probably broken his right wrist from not one but two falls today. I don't want to call my family. I don't want to bother Marcie. I don't want to bother any of my other friends. They all have their own lives and don't need the burdon of listening to me. I don't even know what's wrong with me today. I was doing good this morning and early afternoon then I got triggered bad somehow. I have no idea what triggered me but there was a flood of thoughts, voices, and fantasizing of death and blood. I cut my leg a few times. It helped for a while. Now I'm crying again and I am all alone. No one to turn to. I need to do homework but I just cannot concentrate. I have no one to help me and that's how it should be. I'm just a burdon to everyone. I just want the world to end. I want to cease to exist. I want to stop feeling. I want to stop crying. I want to stop the crimson tears forever. Yet, I want to cry crimson tears all night. I want the relief it brings. I don't know what else to do. I know SI is not the correct solution but it's the only one I can think of. Dear Lord, please help me...

Depressingly calm

In a mood*major TRIGGER warning*-DO NOT READ

I'm in a dark mood right now.
"...and if all the world were perfect, I'd only want to see your scars..."






I have no reason to bleed but I want to anyways. Just for the pleasure of it.



I feel empty and lonely. I feel at a loss for words. I feel like I am drowning...



What is wrong with me this afternoon? Why do I find myself fantasizing about death and blood?




No one can save me from myself...not even me

Drowning

My ears, especially the left one, feel like they are full of water. I feeel like i'm drowning even tho i can still breathe. I hate this feeling and I don't know what to do about it. I tried using a qtip but that didn't help much.

Poor Dawggy hurt his wrist this morning but he'sstill on the computer talking and doing whatever it is he does on the computer during the day.

Poor Harmony don't feel well. She's recovering from surgery. I know at some point today she'll make an effort to talk to me no matter how icky she feels.

A little accomplished

• I've got a couple questions for psychology answered.
  
• I've got a few clothes put away.
  
• I've entered a few sweepstakes.
  
• I've got a few dishes washed.
  
• I've written a sentence or two for one of my English papers.
  

I want to go to Disneyland

I haven't been to Disneyland in a while and it's been quite some time since I've been without these three lovely people...(meaning only with big kids/adults and no kiddie rides)I love the look on Daniel's face in this picture. I wish I could remember why he was making that face. It was taken in line for the Winnie The Pooh ride. That day we stood in a like fifteen to twenty minute line for that ride, the longest line I've ever seen for that particular ride. It's off in a corner of the park with the only other ride near it being Splash Mountain which has been closed for refurbishment. The only other things over there is one store that sells fudge, Pooh stuff, and general souvenirs and then there's a place where Winnie The Pooh characters take pictures with guests for half an hour at a time with guests who stand in lines to see each character.

I would love to go on the Rockin' coasters once more before they change them back to regular. It's most likely not going to happen because we have no money to go.

Blades of Glory

Yesterday mom called at like 6:30 or so AM! Like, YUCK! I went over there. We took Dillon to school then went and picked up moms car from Toyopros. Then I atesome chocolate before going to the clinic. When I got to the clinic I found out we were going to the movies. We saw Blades of Glory. Kinda dumb but funny in a couple parts.

My heater ain't working. Lee came over and tried to figure out why but couldn't figure it out. It was too late for him to get ahold of anyone that can fix it so I've got thermals on. It should get fixed monday.

I need to get some homework done and organized this weekend. The end of the semester is coming next month. I also need to get my place straightened up at least a little.

Got my rent straightened out

Mom took me down to the Housing Authority building all the way in Sante Fe Springs ad we got my rent lowered by proving I didn't get that much in financial aid.

Harmony had a bad day today and in the morning she has to go to the hospital for her surgery. As always, but with special attention tonight and tomorrow, she will be in my prayers. I'm sure her sugery will go fine. Her son will figure his stuff out. Her grandpa is in heaven. It's a tough time for her but as she always tells me "This too shall pass".

drained

I feel drained. I have a headache. My back has been bothering me all day. I'm not really nausious tonight, I didnt eat much. I only ate oatmeal and toast tonight. I don't think those have salt so maybe Paula was right and it does have something to do with sodium.