didnt go get my meds

i was supposed to go to the clinic today to get my meds but its almost 4pmand i just cant getmyself dressed and out the door. its not like the meds are helping anyway. i've already cut twice today. i want to cut again. its the only relief i have the longer i'm able to bleed the better it feels. i wrote die bitch in my blood on my leg. die bitch die keeps being repeated in my head. david wont shut up elly wont stop crying helen screams i have to make it through the weekend without making a fool proof plan. i'll go to the clinic on monday and be at least somewhat honest with them. i just wont mention the fact that if i had a fool proof plan to die, one i just could never survive, i would do it and just fuck my family and friends. i dont want to kill myself. i'm scared. i dont want to hurt my family and friends. they love me for reasons i have never understood and probably never will. i have been trying to get homework done today but i've spent most of the day going back to bed and listening to the stupid tv. i'm haveing a really hard time writing an essay for english and a terrible time trying to understand the directions in the typing book and typing without too many errors. as for psych i keep reading over the answers. i know they're in that section cuz of the headings but i'm just not comprehending what i'm reading. i hope no one reads this. i'm so pathetic.