The noise surrounding my silent tears

The tv is on. I've got my agent on in #bus and the conversation there is going quickly. I've been pretty much ignored in there tonight. Harmony don't feel well and Dawggy can't type because he's probably broken his right wrist from not one but two falls today. I don't want to call my family. I don't want to bother Marcie. I don't want to bother any of my other friends. They all have their own lives and don't need the burdon of listening to me. I don't even know what's wrong with me today. I was doing good this morning and early afternoon then I got triggered bad somehow. I have no idea what triggered me but there was a flood of thoughts, voices, and fantasizing of death and blood. I cut my leg a few times. It helped for a while. Now I'm crying again and I am all alone. No one to turn to. I need to do homework but I just cannot concentrate. I have no one to help me and that's how it should be. I'm just a burdon to everyone. I just want the world to end. I want to cease to exist. I want to stop feeling. I want to stop crying. I want to stop the crimson tears forever. Yet, I want to cry crimson tears all night. I want the relief it brings. I don't know what else to do. I know SI is not the correct solution but it's the only one I can think of. Dear Lord, please help me...