Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Every day again? *don't read*

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. I cut, I cut, I cut. I want to cut more. I got blood on my sheet again today. They are my newest sheets too. I've been biting my fingernails worse than usual. I have a few sore fingers from the nails being bit off too short.

Harmony and Dawggy can barely talk to me now. Not just because I'm a basket case but because of their own depression. The storm they have over their area isnt' helping Harmony. I wish I could be more supportive for her but I have no idea what to say. I keep crying. I don't want to live anymore. I'd kill myself except for I'd fuck it up and even if I didn't it would hurt my family and friends more than what I can do by faking my way through the day. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be fine when I'm around my family, at the clinic, and at school. I know I shouldn't pretend at the clinic but I'm scared not to. If they knew the kind of stuff going on in my head they'd say I need to be IP. Going IP has never helped me. It just puts off the inevitable. I eventually get released and figure things out on my own. They put me on new meds but most of the time they get changed again when I go back to my regular pdoc. I have no idea why I'm crying so much. I have no idea what has triggered all this shit. Iwas fine, thinks are going well i even got my rent reduced. then BAM my head was flooded with dark images sounds and feelings. i want to cut more. deeper. bleed more. i want to feel the relief that comes with the cutting, the crimson tears.

i cant get thoughts of dying out of my head. i cant get thoughts of how lucky people who've died are. i don't know what to say to anybody especially harmony. she can't handle my shit right now and i cant think of any happy shit to talk aboutwith her.



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