missed livingwell

I stayed up all night again. The landlord came over t his morning to try to make the toilet not run so I didnt get to go to bed until after 10am. I didnt go to livingwell group. I slept all day. I went to grandma's this evening and got spaghetti. Kylee's summer show was tonight, tommomrrow, and thursday. Dillon went tonight. Rick and Deanna went tonight (my father and his wife). Tomorrow night Marcie, Sergio, Brianna, and possibly John and Danielle are going. I'm going tomorrowfor sure and possibly thursday as well. tomorrow i have to go to the clinic. have to go to clubhouse, get bloodwork done, get my meds. friday me and dillon are going to disneyland. i went to the 99cent store today. i bought blades while i was there. they suck.

drinking lots of water

I'm following a list with Dawggy's help. I finished the book I was reading and bought Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows. I'm on chapter 4. i've been drinkng bottled water the last couple days. like 3 bottles a day which is a lot of water for me since i rarely drink water.

yesterday and today

It was a long day yesterday. It started with a 10:15am neurologist appointment. He is sending me to physical therapy. I didn’t like physical therapy last time. I dropped my car off at Toyopros. Mom treated me and Dillon to lunch at Millie’s. I had pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Got syrup all over my shirt. Went to Costco. Spent $74.

Today I got my car back. It needed 4 tires, oil, and the sideview mirror fixed. Cost me over $300. Other than that I did nothing today. Depressed. I did manage to read some today tho. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, the seventh and last harry potter book came out at midnight. As soon as I finish Exuberance I’m going to go to wal-mart and buy it. I want to hurry up and finish this book so I can read that one.

Its almost six am and I’m not even sleepy. But I’m getting stuff accomplished. Not a lot but a little is better than usual.

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn' make any difference.---Steven Wright

I did not go to clubhouse today. I did go and get my meds around noon though. My sink broke last night and they fixed it this morning. Replaced the faucet. Snaked the washingmachine hole again, and turned off the pilot in my heater. I thanked them. I managed to read a little today. I finally put sheets on my bed. Been meaning to do that all week or longer. My back hurts. My head hurts. I see the neurologist at 10am tomorrow. Sigh. I pray for Harmony to get better. I pray for my life to be over. I pray for all my friends and family to have a good day. I mostly pray for the world to end.

"Hurt" by nine inch nails

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

yet another depressed and urgy night

I cut a little bit a few hours ago. It wasn't enough and I desperately want to cut more. I went to livingwell group but was unable to focus onthe presentation and activities. My head is such a mess. I can't concentrate onanything. I'm never going to finish the book I'm reading. I'llnever be able to make it through the semester like this.I hope the lithium helpssoon. I pray for death and I pray very hard for the world to end.

Jeans and a bra

Today I spent the day with my mom and the twins at the Ontario Mills Mall. At the JC Penny outlet store I bought myself a pair of jeans and a bra and my total for both was only about $15. I would have bought more but couldn't find anything else in my size. Mom bought us lunch when we got to the mall. I had a fish sandwhich and onion rings from Burger King. She bought the twins about twenty pieces of clothing a piece for them to start school with. It was a LONG day. I felt very irritable. The twins got impatient. They got tired of waiting for each other to try on clothes. On our way out of the mall we went to the Build A Bear Workshop. Hannah got a vanilla colored bear with an Aurora dress and Daniel got a brown colored bear with a Buzz Lightyear outfit. They were very happy.

I still feel really depressed. I'm thirsty and hungry all the time. I know the thirst is from the lithium. I feel cranky. I feel tired. I don't want to sleep. I can't concentrate on my book. I can't focus on doing a write-up for e2. I hate myself and I want to die.

trigger

Life sucks. I hate myself. I cut my leg just one cut but I cut it in the same spot several times and it's on the front of my leg and stings a bit. It's not on a fatty part of my leg. I just want to die. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being told the inside people are not real. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of hurting my friends and family. Sometimes I think the one big hurt of my death would be better than the many little hurts I cause by living. I'm to chicken shit to kill myself tho. I'm afraid I'd screw it up again and just make things worse again. It don't really matter, I'm going to hell either way. Dear Lord, please let it end soon...

Saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix

I never went to bed this morning. About six am I switched from chamomile tea to green tea because I had given up on going to bed. I went to clubhouse this morning and we went to the movies and saw the fifth Harry Potter film. It was good. When I got home around two pm I went pee, got something to drink, turned on my computer and checked a few things. Around two-thirty I went to bed and slept until about five-thirty. I got up and talked to mom on the phone for quite a while. I did the dishes then talked to my mom on the phone again. On Sunday we're going to the outlet mall and look for some bras and possibly some pants for me. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it and school too. I hope and pray I get financial aid and Grace is able to help me with books. I feel depressed and I want to SI. I'm worried about Harmony. I only feel a little tired. I'm hot. I had bagel bite pizzas for dinner. I talked to Harmony briefly on the phone before I ate. She was alone with the baby and he was getting fussy.

I feel so hopeless. Like nothing will work out and I'll have no way to pay for school. Like there's no point in going to school at all because I'll never be able to finish the semester, let alone get a degree or actually transfer to Cal State Fullerton to get a degree in Library Science. Sigh. Nothing ever works out for me and that's okay because I don't deserve anything good to happen for me. I don't deserve anything but pain and suffering. I wish I could leave without hurting anyone.

Yet another useless day

I spent most of the day in bed. Depressed. I read a little today. I'm currently reading a book called Exuberance: The Passion for Life by Kay Redfield Jamison that Harmony loaned me. I finished the first chapter today. I wish I could die. I hate myself. I'm never happy and when I do feel a glimmer of joy I feel guilty because I don't deserve to be happy. I wish I could help Harmony feel better. I try to be "fine" when talking to her because I know she can't handle me not being okay right now because she's not doing well at all. I'm very worried about her. I love her, she's my sis. I hope the med change helps her.

I feel so empty inside. It's like a part of me is missing. It always feels like that. One of the inside people died a few years ago and it's still not the same. I know I sound crazy. I hate myself and I want to die. I wish suicide was an option. I wish the world would end. When is Jesus coming? Will I go to heaven? I don't deserve to go to heaven. I'll rot in hell. I dont know how I'm going to pay for school. I don't know how I'm going to pass my classes.

Tommorrow clubhouse is going to the movies. I don't know what we're going to see. I don't even know if I can get myself out of bed to go. I'm going to try. I'm trying so hard to pretend to be okay but all I can think about is death and cutting. I want to cut deep. I want to bleed a lot. I want to keep cutting. I want to cut until I bleed to death. I won't do that though. I may cut but just enough to bleed a little. Just enough to get a little relief. Not enough to endanger my life.

Welcome to my Californian home

I need to find,
some kind of peace of mind.

I'm alone. I'm not completely independent though. I depend on my mom and grandma for a lot of things. I worry all the time about everything. I feel so lost.


You don’t have to call me you can leave when you want

I don't expect my friends to stick around. I don't deserve for any of them to stick around. I'm a downer, a crazy. Not worthy of love.

And we were dying from the get go

I've always felt as if I'm dying inside. I play the game, I face the day but inside I feel it's all so futile. That no matter what I do I'm slipping away.

I was dreaming but you never believed
I was trying to fit myself in the spaces between, ohhh
And you were kind and sometimes cruel
You said all the world’s love couldn’t satisfy you
And nothing could have hurt me as much as the truth


No one's ever believed I can do anything good enough. I can't do anything good enough. I try to fit in, I try to be like everyone else. I try so hard to be just one of the gals. I work so hard at appearing human. I feel so alone. It hurts that people love me because I don't deserve it. It hurts when people compliment me. It isso hard to hear anything nice said about Jennelle, about bleu`. Nothing can make me happy. The truth hurts. I always feel guilty for feeling good andslip right back into the ever deepening hole.

Love is elusive when you search for it
Don’t I know
Happiness sometimes it just creeps in
Don’t I know
I’m going crazy
I’ve been wondering
Do you still feel alone?

I will never find true love. I'll never fall in love with someone who has fallen in love with me. Once in a while I feel good, briefly. Like last night, for instance, when I discovered the new Darren Hayes song. It don't last tho. When thefeelingpasses I slip deeper into the badness. The guilt, the emptiness, the hopelessness. I feel like I"m losing my mind. I can't think straight more often than not. Am I the only one that feels this alone?

Even though I’m no good for you
There’s a part of me still waiting for you

I know it would be good for no one if I were in a romantic relationship. I know I'd wear the other person out. I know I'd suck them dry of all their love. I would ask too much of them. I expect too much out of the people that show me any caring. I take too much and have so little of myself to give. There is so little of myself at all left. I still sometimes wish for a lover. I still sometimes wish for someone who loves me in every way. I know this is bad.


Welcome to my happy ending
Even though it’s fun contending
I know
I know you can’t look back, you can never go back

I've got my own apartment. I've got an income. I'm going to school (though I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it). I've got a family that loves me. I've got friends that care deeply for me. I have semi-independence. Sometimes I miss high school though. Sometime I miss being a kid but I know that's over and there's no way back. That life is gone and long dead. :'( I miss that life.

Deep inside there’s a piece of me, there’s a piece of me
Still waiting for you to come home

Part of me still waits for life to go back to "normal". For school to start again and drama to be an important class. I expect to wake up and the nightmare of the last seven years to be over. I know though that it'll never happen. This nightmare is "normal" now. It's life. This is what my reality has become. I want to die.

There is nothing I can say
There are no good words left anyway
Besides people are cruel
And the world still moves without you

groggy

Yesterday I went to the neurologist. He gave me Amitriptyline to help prevent the headaches. I then went to grandma's house and visited a while before going grocery shopping at Stater Bros. market. At bedtime I took the medicine. Today I didnt wake up until about 1pm (I usually waking up between 10 and 11am) and have been out of it all day. TOmorrow morning we are going to Disneyland early so I'm not going to take the stupid pill tonight so that I can function tomorrow because today is a bad day. I have a headache and I'm sleepy and out of it and I want to SI so bad.

On the verge of something wonderful

A serpent, a rabbit
A walk in the forest
A tentative looking son
A feeling, a moment
A bursting of bubbles
A panic to overcome

A samurai, an angel
An eloquent table
An AC that does not work
A road trip, a car wreck
A paperback novel
A lover that ain’t been hurt

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
A resurgence, on the edge of something wonderful

For it, against it
Said he’d never meant it but Harry still dropped the bomb
A trip to the dentist, the Hollywood black list
A moment that time forgot

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
At the edge of, on the verge of something wonderful

You can dance in the devil’s shoes if you like walking heels
There’s a decent living to be made in the selling out of ideals
You can lose your way in the big city
Get distracted and lost and feel pretty

I want you, I need you
I don’t wanna please you or belong to anyone
But life is for leading, for not people pleasing
A race that has never been won

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
At the edge of, on the verge of something wonderful
On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
A resurgence, on the edge of something wonderful

Lost without you

It's just another day. Another pointless, useless day. I feel like crap. Hot. Achey. Depressed. Irritable. Lonely. Empty. Frustrated.

Harmony's computer died. Dawggy has spent the day trying to fix it. I called her earlier. We talked for a short while but she had to go help with her grandson. She said she'd call me back but I know she's not going to. Oh well. I dont have anything worth saying anyway. I never do. I hate myself. I hate life. I wish the world would end or God would just let me die.

I want to SI. I'm trying not to because everyone tells me not to. I know it only helps temporarily but it does help.

I'm sorry.....

I ride this train

It's a little after 4am. I'm talking to nanny. I'm listening to music. The song that is playing is "I don't care" by Savage Garden. I'm chewing gum. I'm entering sweepstakes. I'm depressed. I'm hurting. I'm tired. I took a nap. I got up to take my meds a couple hours ago.

The thing I'd been looking forward to for so long, seeing Darren Hayes live, came and went. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I was so anxious from being in a crowd that it was hard to have fun. I'm glad I went though. It had been seven years since he'd played in the US. There's no way I could have missed it. It was worth the $30 for sure.

Now I'm back to feeling hopeless and empty and unsure of what I get out of bed for. I know why I don't actually try to end my life. I don't want to hurt my family and friends. It would devistate those that loved me if I killed myself and I'd probably go to hell for doing it. So every day I get up, talk to my friends, hurt, get little if anything accomplished, and (most days) cry.

How many days am I going to regret the day? How many nights am I going to cry and pray for the world to end, for my life to end? Have I been wasting all these years, drowning in my tears? What am I going to do with my life? Is it worth going to school? It's so expensive. Will I ever work? Will I ever even graduate? If I do will it do any good? Will I be able to get a job? Will I be able to keep a job? Can I please go cut myself? Can I please bleed and bleed? I know that's not the "right" thing to do. I know it don't help in the long run. I also know it makes me feel better for the moment. Even tho I usually feel guilty afterwards, at this point I'm living one moment at a time. All that matters is right now, not the later. And right now I'm depressed and lonely and crying and wanting to change the way I'm feeling. I wish I had someone to hold me on nights like this, some one that'll hug me while I cry. Someone that won't get mad at me for saying I want to si. Someone who could somehow make me feel better. I don't have anyone tho. Never really have and never will. No one can handle me. I'm too needy.

I finally uploaded it...

I promised a few people I'd show them my final project for the library class I took a couple semesters ago, Introduction to Audio/Visual Services. My mom helped me out a lot by agreeing to do the video. It got a laugh and a decent grade. Thanks mom!



(She's gonna be embarrased I put this on the web but who really reads my blog anyways eh? lol)

Darren Hayes at the Roxy

On friday, June 22, 2007 I saw Darren Hayes at the Roxy in Hollywood with John and Danielle.



It was a great show. Tempo Shark opened. They're not a bad band either. Darren sang two songs that haven't been released yet, "Time Machine" and "On the Verge of Something Wonderful", which are both great songs. A couple newer songs and a few older solo songs as well as a couple SavageGarden songs.





The crowd and the heat, especially the crowd, were really getting to me. The anxiety made it hard to enjoy the performances but I love Darren's voice and his cute little dancing so much that it was still fun. I wish my pictures had come out better.

it's been a while

I havent blogged in almost a month. Just haven't felt like it. I haven't been doing the greatest. My back has been bothering me a lot and I've been getting a lot of headaches and I ache all over pretty often. i've been to disneyland a couple times and i got to see Darren Hayes at a club. that was exciting.

i've been depressed lately. sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. i broke my computer by knocking it off the tv table in the livingroom. i got it fixed cheaply but i had to go without it for the weekend and can no longer use two of the usb ports.

well i guess thats it for the moment.

I'm bored

It's a few minutes until House goes off. It'll be ten pm. I'm bored and don't feel like reading the book I'm reading. I don't feel like adding sweeps to mysweeps right now. it's been kinda hot today. Had the fan on all day and the a/c on for a little while. I havne't accomplished anything today.

new keyboard

It's been a while since I've blogged because I was too frustrate with my broken spacebar to try to type something as long as a blog entry. Today I spent like $33 on two twelve packs of soda, a keyboard, and an USB to PS/2 adapter.

I'm very tired tonight. This morning mom came over about 9:30am with the twins and DIllon. We went to McDonald's for breakfast. Then we went miniture golfing. Hannah loved it. Daniel got tired of it very quickly. We couldn't get it through his head that you're not supposed to pick the balls up or throw them. We were all glad (except probably Hannah) when we got to hole 18. Then we went and ate at the Rainforrest Cafe in the Ontario Mills Mall. Their cheese sticks are good. The scenery there is really cool. Then we looked around the mall. My new shoes kill my feet. I'm going to try to take them back and exchange them. I got them at Kmart.

After mom dropped me off at home I went to Wal-mart. Twice. I went and got the stuff and got home and the keyboard didn't work. So I took it back and exchanged it.

Mom brought me a fan this morning, so it's not so hot in my room now.

Harmony's son is IP for the first time. She's depressed about it. She appologized for dumping on me when I got home this evening but I didn't mind. She needed to vent and I was able to be there to listen.

I'm pretty depressed myself. I haven't cut today but I kinda want to but I think I can resist for right now. I feel exhausted. I've had a headache all day and my back is stiff and hurting from golfing. It wasn't a bad day tho. The twins kept us entertained.

I found out yesterday that my father, Rick, had a heart attack and is in the ICU. I hope he's okay. I also hope he's not out of work too long becasue my mom needs the child support for Kylee and Dillon. I hope Rick is okay also for his new family. He has a young son who depends on him and a nice wife who loves him.

Well anyway, I guess that's enough rambling for now....

My mom's surgery went fine

Today Grandma andI sat in the surgical waiting room for a couple hours while mom was in surgery and then in recovery. When I called Dillon he didn't even ask how mom was. When Kylee called me I tried to tell her how mom was and she didn't even want to hear. All Kylee cares about is Kylee. She wanted me to drive her to Tricia's house to give her a book or something and said she needed to get something from Tricia but that it was "personal" and wouldn't tell me what it was. I told her if she can't even tell me why she "needs" a ride over there I'm not going to go way out of my way to take her. So Kylee is mad at me again. When I picked Dillon up he did ask about mom. He wanted to know if he should tell his friend's he can't go to Universal Studios (a trip that's been planned for a few weeks now) so he could help with the twins. I'm going to go over there Sunday to help with them so Dillon can go with his friends. I dropped grandma and dillon off at home then went to school. I got a 6 out of 8 on my English Proficiency Exam (EPE) which is a passing grade. I criedd most of the way home and bawled the entire time I've been home thinking about how Kylee especially don't give a shit about our mom. So many things could have happened today, so many things there are that could have gone wrong during surgery and mom could have slipped away from us but Kylee didn't even want to hear when I tried to tell her mom was fine. Harmony cares more about my mom (who she's never even really talked to) than Kylee does. Harmony said she called four times today. The first thing she asked me when I finally was able to call her back was "How's your mom?" Harmony and Dawggy prayed for my mom. Kylee probably didn't even give a second thought about my mom today except for how mom's surgery and recovery is going to inconvience her. Sometimes I just want to smack her.

I'm going to go find the number for the hospital and see if I can call my mom and check in on her before it gets late. I love my mommy.

my back hurts again

I'm itchy all over and my back is hurting. I'm watching Leno. Dawggy is helping me with a list but I'm too scared to do anything in the rest of the apartment. I feel safer in my bedroom. The badman is in the livingroom again and I'mscared to go near the windows.

tomorrow is mom's surgery

In the morning I have to go take my mom to the hospital becauseshe is having a hystorectomy. We're all dreading it, of course mom isdreading it the most. Poor thing . SHe's gone through a lot the last couple years. She's gonna need help after the surgery with the twins. I don't know how much the twins will let me help.

depressed but trying to be "fine"

I feel depressed but I've spent all day trying real hard to be fine and happy. I pretended I was in a good mood at clubhouse even though the inside people were jabbering away about how fat I am as I ate my piece of cake. I talked to Elaine as if I was having a good day. I'm only having a good enough day to fakke it. Ididmanage to havesome fun this afternoonafter a nap. Then Imanaged to get a couple of the dishes donebutnot all of them. Istill can't get all the egg out of my pan from when Imade scrambled eggs the othernight. (I hate my spacebar.) I've tried cleaning it several times including right after i ate the eggs. I just can't seem to get all the egg scraped off. THey talked in group today about how important it is to be completely honestwith your treatment team. I never tell anyone at the clinic about the things I see and very little about what I hear. I don't think anyoneat the clinic even knows about the bad man. ohwell.

dont give up

PETER GABRIEL LYRICS

"Don't Give Up"

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong