my soundtrack (first try)

This is sorta the soundtrack of my life. There's songs I wish could be on it but couldn't find them on the website.

Best shirt....stupidity

I didn't go to clubhouse this morning cuz I just couldn't get myself out of bed. I suck. I was getting dressed to go get my meds this afternoon and I cut my leg. I bent over and got blood on my best shirt, the shirt I wear when I'm "dressed up" a bit. The white one with the pretty 3/4 sleeves. I tried to cllean it up but i dont know how to get the blood out. then i cried and then i cried crimson a little more. then i went to grandmas. ate a donut. played with the twins and the dogs a bit. grandma gave me some milk, another doughnut, an orange, and 2 bananas to bring home. i'm crying again (crystal not crimson but i want to cry crimson tears) i wish i could just die but thatd hurt my family and my friends and i dont want to hurt anybody anymore than i already have. i know people care about me and love me. i just some times wish no one did so i could end it all and no one would get hurt.

i try to study. i cry and i sleep and i cut and i eat. i sleep. i cry. i sleep. i cut. i try to study. i sleep.... i don't get much done.

I HATE ME, MOST OF THE INSIDE PEOPLE HATE ME, AND WE ALL WANT ME TO DIE!

upset

i got upset by something someone said to me on IM. very upset. cut. talked to my friends in depressionchat. cried hard long time. cut more. talked to tara on the phone. calmed down mostly. still want to cut more. made oatmeal. milk was soured. now i feel like throwing up. called mom. hannah's still awaake. shes got school in the mornning. i want to die. i'm gonna loseoneof my best friends cuz i'm stupid and dont know how to keep mmy mouth shut. i want to die. why wont Godtake me?

Harmony's in the hospital again

Harmony went back into the hospital yesterday morning after cutting herself. I feel like it's my fault. I should have been there for her more. I should have been more careful what I've said to her over the past few months and weeks. I knew and know she was having a hard time but so am I.

I've been cutting pretty much everyday, sometimes more than once a day. My pdoc made me show her my legs and asked why my legs say "BITCH" and "DIE". I HATE showing her my cuts as much as I hate cataloging class. It makes me want to cut more but not tell anyone about it and not let anyone see it. I hate trying to explain why I did it. Then the doctor called in the case manager covering for Grace since Grace quit for a job closer to home (I miss her but I don't blame her. I'm happy she found herself another good job closer to home.) He had his supervisor called in. Dr. Policar (my pdoc) wants to transfer me to another doctor. Dr. Patel (case manager's superviser) said I should see my tdoc (Dr. Dimeo who I like but won't be seeing long cuz they are transfering me to the new therapist they just hired), more often. I don't know how to feel about that.

I had the first test in psychology of religion. It was 35 multiple choice and true false questions, open book. It was so confusing. I didn't look most of the questions up cuz the questions didn't make any sense to me so I didn't know what to look up. I hope I'm a good guesser. I felt like crying. I went home and SI'd.

Today I went to the court about my speeding ticket. $198. Plus traffic school so my record stays clean. Fortunately I got a financial aid check today from Citrus so I'll be able to pay it. They gave me a 2 month extension to pay the ticket cuz I told them I didn't have the money. Now I gotta worry about Section 8 saying I lied about my financial aid cuz at the time I filled out the re-examination packet a few days ago I didnt know I was getting a check. I don't know what to do about it.

After court I went back to bed for several hours. Dawggy called me twice to get me out of bed cuz I asked him to wake me up if I didnt get up in a couple of hours. All I ever want to do is lay in bed and mostly sleep. The only reason I get out of bed is cuz I have school and the stupid clinic to go to and homework to do. I really struggle with school work. The concentration just ain't there and the work confuses the hell out of me.

Well I better go do some homework now...

"BITCH"

that word is now sloppily lightly carved into my lower leg. why? i don't know. i cut to relax so i could lay still and get to sleep. i didnt know i was going to carve. david decided that. i've got the hiccups. my alarm is set for seven. its like three-thirty now. i need to go to sleep but i cant get comfortable. i bled pretty. got blood on the floor tho. i cleaned that up.

/me goes back to bed again

I HATE cataloging!

I'm so lost. I hate the book. It's falling apart everytime I change the page. I hate the time of the class (8am-who knows when every damned saturday). I don't understand the assignments. I emailed the teacher asking for help. She emailed me back telling me to look at the book. I DID LOOK AT THE BOOK! I've already SI'd twice today. I want to cut again. I want to bleed pretty again. I want to cry crimson and stop the crystal tears that keep coming unexpectedly. I just wish I could die and not have to worry about the future. I hate thinking about the future. I can't do it without getting upset. I can't think about the past either without getting upset.

She's "Gotta go"...

...I've "gotta si".

I didnt mean to upset her. I typed without thinking. she asked me "Do you want to live the rest of your life in your bed like Grama?" and I answered "no i dont want to live the rest of my life at all". Stupid stupid me.


die bitch die...thats what i hear

Please forgive me Harmony!? I LOVE YOU!

another night in moms room

Today, well officially yesterday since it's like 2:23AM, I slept on the couch til like nine am from like 4:30am or so then got in moms bed for a couple hours. Took Kylee to turn in her cans and the guy went to lunch when we got there and was a jerk to kylee and turned the machine off so she couldnt even do that.I loaned her $10 so she could get something to eat cuz she was spending the day with Tricia (her gf) and another friend. She didnt spend the money and gave it back to me when she got home but i'm not sure where I put it.


My back is hurting bad tonight.

After taking kylee to her gf's house i went home. sat in front of the ac a while then went and paid my rent. she gave me a honeydew. me and mom finished it off already. it was good. after paying my rent i went home and took a shower and attempted to take a nap but couldnt get to sleep. so i packed and came over here to moms. i took an hour and a half nap on kylees bed then got up and read a little. we had little ceaser pizza (which was icky) and crazy bread (which was good). i got on the computer about midnight. i made dawggy mad at me. i confessed i bought blades the other day and he got mad and refused to talk to me. he wouldnt accknowledge the fact that i was making efforts not to use them. like comiing over here. like calling my mom when i felt like cutting. I"M TRYING DAMNIT!

DARREN HAYES LYRICS"How To Build A Time Machine"

If I have understood correctly
Velocity equals the distance traveled
Divided by time
I've read every word ever printed
On quantum physics
And now it is time to try
I read your book, I found your notes
I dusted this thing off and turned on
The key
The rumbling motors
The buzzing incredible gadgets
The hissing electricity
And now the moment has come
I'm traveling back in time

They're running down the hall
I've started the countdown
They want me to stop
But I don't think so
I'm ready to go
Let's get the job done

Beyond the paradoxical
All the lights are dazzling
Pass the planes, and trains, and satellite navigation
Pass the time I spent today
Through the nearest wormhole
In a stunning ball
Of white
The light explodes and lands on you

And you're five
Always running away
And I was dying to kiss you
And I
I don't want to cry
I don't want to see
Where the moving van takes you
So I travel on
Beyond the stars
At one hundred and eighty-six thousand miles per second
I can fly
Forward a few years
To nineteen hundred and seventy nine
I caught a glimpse of the sky

They're coming down the road
They're coming to get me
I never should have come
I hide the time machine
I'm running down the hall
I think I'm in my old house

Pass the place where I grew up
Number nine Lake Road
Pass the swimming pool
And Mable park
And past Troy Clifford's house
To the Argonaut (?)
To the fish and chip shop
Out the back and down the road
To the place I got beat up

Hey, put that rock down
Can't you see he's half your size?
Hey, he looks familiar
Oh my god, he's me, age nine

Put your shoes on
And run away from here
I can't get involved
This is all so weird
I'm meeting myself
This is all so clear

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted
All I never did
All the dreams I had
All the things I would change
I can change them

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted

I'm gonna make right
What I did wrong
And change how the future has come
Through appliance of science
I'll take a hold of my enemies
Take their obscenities
Kiss them, and leave them like lovers who've gone
I'll call my dad
I'll tell him I miss him
And tell my reflection: 'it's not your fault'
And now the moment has come
I'm traveling back in time

They're running down the hall
I've started the countdown
They want me to stop
But I don't think so
I'm ready to go
Let's get the job done

Put your shoes on and
Run away from here
I can't get involved
This is all so weird (It's me aged nine)
Let's get the job done

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted
All I never did
All the dreams I had
All the things I would change
I can change them

Beyond the paradoxical
All the lights are dazzling
Pass the planes, and trains, and satellite navigation
Pass the time I spent today
Through the nearest wormhole
In a stunning ball
Of white
The light explodes into another moment

computer in the shop again

it hasn't been working very well since i spilled soda on it. so i took it in friday afternoon. hopefully i'll hear something today, saturday. its almost 4am now and i have a headache. i'll prolly go to bed before too long.

i bought new blades today. they aren't sharp enough tho. thats what i get for buying the cheap ones. i only used one a little bit. called mom several times trying to stay occupied and eventually was told to just come over. sergio and brianna came over last nigt and gave me a bunch of stuff as a housewarming present. thursday mom took me to the clinic to talk to grace then came over and cleaned my kitchen and bathrroom. marcie came over and gave me some school supplies including a digital recorder to record my lectures at school.

i feel so depressed. i dont know what i'm going to do if i have to get a new computer. i have no extra money.

well theres only one song left on this cd then i'm gonnna head to the couch. hopefully i'll blog again soon....ttfn

sing to me

Lyrics provided by LyricsMode

been a while

Its been a loooooong time since I have journalled or blogged. I haven't been doing very well. I've been physically sick and mentally a mess.

I think I either have some sort of acid reflux or ulcer or something going on. I sometimes throw up but I often dry heave. I often can taste acid in the back of my throat. Especially at night. Nauesa most of the time. I'm miserable all the time. I feel like shit.

Mentally I'm not doing too well either. I've been very depressed and the inside people have been loud and I've been seeing and feeling bugs a lot.

missed livingwell

I stayed up all night again. The landlord came over t his morning to try to make the toilet not run so I didnt get to go to bed until after 10am. I didnt go to livingwell group. I slept all day. I went to grandma's this evening and got spaghetti. Kylee's summer show was tonight, tommomrrow, and thursday. Dillon went tonight. Rick and Deanna went tonight (my father and his wife). Tomorrow night Marcie, Sergio, Brianna, and possibly John and Danielle are going. I'm going tomorrowfor sure and possibly thursday as well. tomorrow i have to go to the clinic. have to go to clubhouse, get bloodwork done, get my meds. friday me and dillon are going to disneyland. i went to the 99cent store today. i bought blades while i was there. they suck.

drinking lots of water

I'm following a list with Dawggy's help. I finished the book I was reading and bought Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows. I'm on chapter 4. i've been drinkng bottled water the last couple days. like 3 bottles a day which is a lot of water for me since i rarely drink water.

yesterday and today

It was a long day yesterday. It started with a 10:15am neurologist appointment. He is sending me to physical therapy. I didn’t like physical therapy last time. I dropped my car off at Toyopros. Mom treated me and Dillon to lunch at Millie’s. I had pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Got syrup all over my shirt. Went to Costco. Spent $74.

Today I got my car back. It needed 4 tires, oil, and the sideview mirror fixed. Cost me over $300. Other than that I did nothing today. Depressed. I did manage to read some today tho. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, the seventh and last harry potter book came out at midnight. As soon as I finish Exuberance I’m going to go to wal-mart and buy it. I want to hurry up and finish this book so I can read that one.

Its almost six am and I’m not even sleepy. But I’m getting stuff accomplished. Not a lot but a little is better than usual.

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn' make any difference.---Steven Wright

I did not go to clubhouse today. I did go and get my meds around noon though. My sink broke last night and they fixed it this morning. Replaced the faucet. Snaked the washingmachine hole again, and turned off the pilot in my heater. I thanked them. I managed to read a little today. I finally put sheets on my bed. Been meaning to do that all week or longer. My back hurts. My head hurts. I see the neurologist at 10am tomorrow. Sigh. I pray for Harmony to get better. I pray for my life to be over. I pray for all my friends and family to have a good day. I mostly pray for the world to end.

"Hurt" by nine inch nails

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

yet another depressed and urgy night

I cut a little bit a few hours ago. It wasn't enough and I desperately want to cut more. I went to livingwell group but was unable to focus onthe presentation and activities. My head is such a mess. I can't concentrate onanything. I'm never going to finish the book I'm reading. I'llnever be able to make it through the semester like this.I hope the lithium helpssoon. I pray for death and I pray very hard for the world to end.

Jeans and a bra

Today I spent the day with my mom and the twins at the Ontario Mills Mall. At the JC Penny outlet store I bought myself a pair of jeans and a bra and my total for both was only about $15. I would have bought more but couldn't find anything else in my size. Mom bought us lunch when we got to the mall. I had a fish sandwhich and onion rings from Burger King. She bought the twins about twenty pieces of clothing a piece for them to start school with. It was a LONG day. I felt very irritable. The twins got impatient. They got tired of waiting for each other to try on clothes. On our way out of the mall we went to the Build A Bear Workshop. Hannah got a vanilla colored bear with an Aurora dress and Daniel got a brown colored bear with a Buzz Lightyear outfit. They were very happy.

I still feel really depressed. I'm thirsty and hungry all the time. I know the thirst is from the lithium. I feel cranky. I feel tired. I don't want to sleep. I can't concentrate on my book. I can't focus on doing a write-up for e2. I hate myself and I want to die.

trigger

Life sucks. I hate myself. I cut my leg just one cut but I cut it in the same spot several times and it's on the front of my leg and stings a bit. It's not on a fatty part of my leg. I just want to die. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being told the inside people are not real. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of hurting my friends and family. Sometimes I think the one big hurt of my death would be better than the many little hurts I cause by living. I'm to chicken shit to kill myself tho. I'm afraid I'd screw it up again and just make things worse again. It don't really matter, I'm going to hell either way. Dear Lord, please let it end soon...

Saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix

I never went to bed this morning. About six am I switched from chamomile tea to green tea because I had given up on going to bed. I went to clubhouse this morning and we went to the movies and saw the fifth Harry Potter film. It was good. When I got home around two pm I went pee, got something to drink, turned on my computer and checked a few things. Around two-thirty I went to bed and slept until about five-thirty. I got up and talked to mom on the phone for quite a while. I did the dishes then talked to my mom on the phone again. On Sunday we're going to the outlet mall and look for some bras and possibly some pants for me. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it and school too. I hope and pray I get financial aid and Grace is able to help me with books. I feel depressed and I want to SI. I'm worried about Harmony. I only feel a little tired. I'm hot. I had bagel bite pizzas for dinner. I talked to Harmony briefly on the phone before I ate. She was alone with the baby and he was getting fussy.

I feel so hopeless. Like nothing will work out and I'll have no way to pay for school. Like there's no point in going to school at all because I'll never be able to finish the semester, let alone get a degree or actually transfer to Cal State Fullerton to get a degree in Library Science. Sigh. Nothing ever works out for me and that's okay because I don't deserve anything good to happen for me. I don't deserve anything but pain and suffering. I wish I could leave without hurting anyone.

Yet another useless day

I spent most of the day in bed. Depressed. I read a little today. I'm currently reading a book called Exuberance: The Passion for Life by Kay Redfield Jamison that Harmony loaned me. I finished the first chapter today. I wish I could die. I hate myself. I'm never happy and when I do feel a glimmer of joy I feel guilty because I don't deserve to be happy. I wish I could help Harmony feel better. I try to be "fine" when talking to her because I know she can't handle me not being okay right now because she's not doing well at all. I'm very worried about her. I love her, she's my sis. I hope the med change helps her.

I feel so empty inside. It's like a part of me is missing. It always feels like that. One of the inside people died a few years ago and it's still not the same. I know I sound crazy. I hate myself and I want to die. I wish suicide was an option. I wish the world would end. When is Jesus coming? Will I go to heaven? I don't deserve to go to heaven. I'll rot in hell. I dont know how I'm going to pay for school. I don't know how I'm going to pass my classes.

Tommorrow clubhouse is going to the movies. I don't know what we're going to see. I don't even know if I can get myself out of bed to go. I'm going to try. I'm trying so hard to pretend to be okay but all I can think about is death and cutting. I want to cut deep. I want to bleed a lot. I want to keep cutting. I want to cut until I bleed to death. I won't do that though. I may cut but just enough to bleed a little. Just enough to get a little relief. Not enough to endanger my life.

Welcome to my Californian home

I need to find,
some kind of peace of mind.

I'm alone. I'm not completely independent though. I depend on my mom and grandma for a lot of things. I worry all the time about everything. I feel so lost.


You don’t have to call me you can leave when you want

I don't expect my friends to stick around. I don't deserve for any of them to stick around. I'm a downer, a crazy. Not worthy of love.

And we were dying from the get go

I've always felt as if I'm dying inside. I play the game, I face the day but inside I feel it's all so futile. That no matter what I do I'm slipping away.

I was dreaming but you never believed
I was trying to fit myself in the spaces between, ohhh
And you were kind and sometimes cruel
You said all the world’s love couldn’t satisfy you
And nothing could have hurt me as much as the truth


No one's ever believed I can do anything good enough. I can't do anything good enough. I try to fit in, I try to be like everyone else. I try so hard to be just one of the gals. I work so hard at appearing human. I feel so alone. It hurts that people love me because I don't deserve it. It hurts when people compliment me. It isso hard to hear anything nice said about Jennelle, about bleu`. Nothing can make me happy. The truth hurts. I always feel guilty for feeling good andslip right back into the ever deepening hole.

Love is elusive when you search for it
Don’t I know
Happiness sometimes it just creeps in
Don’t I know
I’m going crazy
I’ve been wondering
Do you still feel alone?

I will never find true love. I'll never fall in love with someone who has fallen in love with me. Once in a while I feel good, briefly. Like last night, for instance, when I discovered the new Darren Hayes song. It don't last tho. When thefeelingpasses I slip deeper into the badness. The guilt, the emptiness, the hopelessness. I feel like I"m losing my mind. I can't think straight more often than not. Am I the only one that feels this alone?

Even though I’m no good for you
There’s a part of me still waiting for you

I know it would be good for no one if I were in a romantic relationship. I know I'd wear the other person out. I know I'd suck them dry of all their love. I would ask too much of them. I expect too much out of the people that show me any caring. I take too much and have so little of myself to give. There is so little of myself at all left. I still sometimes wish for a lover. I still sometimes wish for someone who loves me in every way. I know this is bad.


Welcome to my happy ending
Even though it’s fun contending
I know
I know you can’t look back, you can never go back

I've got my own apartment. I've got an income. I'm going to school (though I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it). I've got a family that loves me. I've got friends that care deeply for me. I have semi-independence. Sometimes I miss high school though. Sometime I miss being a kid but I know that's over and there's no way back. That life is gone and long dead. :'( I miss that life.

Deep inside there’s a piece of me, there’s a piece of me
Still waiting for you to come home

Part of me still waits for life to go back to "normal". For school to start again and drama to be an important class. I expect to wake up and the nightmare of the last seven years to be over. I know though that it'll never happen. This nightmare is "normal" now. It's life. This is what my reality has become. I want to die.

There is nothing I can say
There are no good words left anyway
Besides people are cruel
And the world still moves without you

groggy

Yesterday I went to the neurologist. He gave me Amitriptyline to help prevent the headaches. I then went to grandma's house and visited a while before going grocery shopping at Stater Bros. market. At bedtime I took the medicine. Today I didnt wake up until about 1pm (I usually waking up between 10 and 11am) and have been out of it all day. TOmorrow morning we are going to Disneyland early so I'm not going to take the stupid pill tonight so that I can function tomorrow because today is a bad day. I have a headache and I'm sleepy and out of it and I want to SI so bad.

On the verge of something wonderful

A serpent, a rabbit
A walk in the forest
A tentative looking son
A feeling, a moment
A bursting of bubbles
A panic to overcome

A samurai, an angel
An eloquent table
An AC that does not work
A road trip, a car wreck
A paperback novel
A lover that ain’t been hurt

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
A resurgence, on the edge of something wonderful

For it, against it
Said he’d never meant it but Harry still dropped the bomb
A trip to the dentist, the Hollywood black list
A moment that time forgot

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
At the edge of, on the verge of something wonderful

You can dance in the devil’s shoes if you like walking heels
There’s a decent living to be made in the selling out of ideals
You can lose your way in the big city
Get distracted and lost and feel pretty

I want you, I need you
I don’t wanna please you or belong to anyone
But life is for leading, for not people pleasing
A race that has never been won

When you let me go when I’m on my way
When the world below is cold and grey

On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
At the edge of, on the verge of something wonderful
On the verge of, on the verge of something wonderful
A resurgence, on the edge of something wonderful