Goodbye Dr. Bellman, hello teeth

I saw Dr. Bellman for the last time. She was a good therapist I think. I hope she has a good life. She's very nice.

So I'm not longer in therapy. No longer on antidepressants or mood stabilizers. No longer on antipsychotics. Sounds like that means I'm doing good but it doesn't. I'm depressed. Anxious as hell (despite the highest dose of buspar the dr can give me) and the inside people are kind of loud tonight. Most of the depression is because i'm so tired of hurting. I'm always in pain. I have lortab in me right now which eased the pain enough to allow me to fix and then actually eat a can of soup but I'm still hurting. It's mainly my back but everything hurts. I don't feel good at all. I havne't felt "good" in a long long time. I hurt all over. My stomach hurts. My dinner isn't sitting well. I'm shaking. I just feel icky.

I spent over four hours at the dentist today but at least now I have front teeth. It's a temporary bridge. He told me to be very careful with it and he also told me I don't take good care of my teeth and that I need to be still. I can't help it but my leg is always shaking. Its the anxiety. I try so hard to control it but i can't keep still. Everyone is always scolding me for it. It's embarrrassing and frustrating. I hate it. I dont know how to make it stop.

I need everything to stop

idk

I missed Livingwell group yet again because I had a migraine so bad I could not see well enough to drive. Most of the day I have had to only look at the computer, tv, or book for short periods of time cuz my head hurts so bad.

Dr. Martin called and told me today was her last group so I will never see her again. There is a new therapist taking over the livingwell group that I have no met yet. I feel really bad about missing group again.

I feel like shit in general. The inhalor the pulmonologist gave me doesn't really doesn't do any good. I started topamax for migranes yesterday but it'll take at least a month to know if it'll even help. my stomach has been out of whack again. i'm depressed. i think thats mainly from being tired of feeling like shit. the inside people are pretty loud but no more than usual. i havent cut ina long time but its really really hard.

today i have to take the kids to school, mail dawggy my computer, and go to the dentist.

well i gotta do a couple things then try to catch a bit of sleep.

I'm finally back!

My motherboard quit on my laptop a couple weeks ago. I had to get a new computer. A REALLY good friend helped me get a really good computer from a friend of his. It’s used but in great shape. The friend got a new one through his work. It’s an IBM ThinkPad. It’s smaller than my Dell Inspiron 6000 and that will take some getting used to but this is actually a better computer than the one I had so I’m not complaining.

I’ve been going nuts the last couple weeks. I cleaned out my closet and read a lot. My room is more of a disaster than ever now though, since my closet floor is now clean. I’m behind on school work but I am doing a list with Dawggy and school is right at the very top of the list. I’ve been calling Dawggy and Harmony, and my mom and grandma SEVERAL times every day since I didn’t have a computer. Everyone is glad I have a computer again. Dawggy set most of the stuff up on the computer for me so there’s just a few tweaks that need to be done as I go. Things like getting roboform things set up and settings on programs. Nothing big.

It’s so nice to be back. I was VERY lonely.

Shitty

I've felt like shit for like a couple weeks now. I'm weak and shakey and hurt all over. So much phlegm. It's hard to swallow. Nothing tastes good. Not hungry. Wake up every hour or two hurting or having trouble breathing.

My mom came over the beginning of the week or the weekend or last week I don't remember. She brought hannah and spent quite a bit of time cleaning. My car broke down last tuesday so it was in the shop for a little over a week. Mom paid the $600 for the timing chain or whatever it was called.

Mom and all the kids came over today to pick me up to take me to get my car. Mom was furious cuz my livingroom is scattered and I have a few dishes in the sink and I never got rid of the rug she ruined by putting in the wash machine. it shreaded all over the place. it didnt help that both her and grandma were already md at me. I slept through the first phone call today from my mom. They got a thing from the dmv today saying it was a delinguency notice that I never sent in the registration for my car. Grandma swears I went and had my car smogged when she gave me the bill and i said i'd send it in. that never happened. that was a year ago when my car was smogged. it only gets smogged every other year. i don't remember getting the bill for the tags at all this year. Now I've got $110 bill for the tags that I have no idea how i'm going to pay. after i pay all my bills, and buy groceries i have barely enough for gas throughout the month...sometimes I don't even have that. I guess I can skip tv dinners and snacks for the month and live on ramen, soup, and occassionally mac and cheese? maybe the clinic can help me with groceries. i hope so cuz other wise i'm scrwed.

i have school tomorrow night (thursday) and a doctors appt the following morning. It's going to be really hard to get there by 10am. i hope i don't get sleepy driving.

I think Dawggy is mad at me but I'm not sure exactly what I did. He hasn't talked to me in several days. it feels like everyone is upset with me and i just don't know how to fix it.

i don't feel good. i need to get my kitchen and livingroom straightened up but I get so weak and dizzy when I try to clean. i know its just an excuse. i've always got an excuse and i need to stop complaining and get off my lazy ass and do all the stuff thats expected of me no matter how much i hurt.

The pain-body is getting what it wants

I'm going to bitch and complain now:

My car broke down. My mom is being really great and helping me alot. She got my car towed. She paid for that. She got it to the mechanic who is going to look at it today. Last time my car was there they told me to get a different car as soon as possible because there was/is something seriously wrong with my engine and it would cost so much to fix I'd be much better off if I traded it in. My mom and me agreed and wanted to trade it in while we could but grandma has the last word on everything and wouldn't let us. Now I'm screwed. I have absolutely NO money right now. Once my car payment goes through I'll have about $10 in my checking. I'll get paid on the first. Thats just a couple days from now. I need groceries. I have soup and ramen and chicken nuggeets. nothing else. After I get food, and pay all my bills I have just enough to pay for gas. I guess now I don't have to worry about that at least for a while. but i NEED a car. i need to get to school. i need to get to the clinic. i need to get to the store. i need to get to dr appts. i can't depend on my mom to drop everything everytime i have somewehre to go. she's got too much to do already. I dont know how I'm gonna manage to get another car. they'll be a down payment. the payments will probably be higher. i can barely afford the $140 i've been paying.

I'm always in pain. I just cant stand it anymore. I am so thankful for the days when grandma gives me a lortab or two. Thats the only time I get any relief at all from the physical pain. all my neuro gave me was 1/2 an ativan twice a day. It dont' do shit for the pain. I have been taking one when i get really anxious and it helps the anxiety some. i know no doctor will give me lortab or any other narcotic. they think i'll become addicted and/or abuse it. I wont. I only take it when the pain gets to intollerable levels when even hiding doesnt help. I need relief. I can't take it anymore. The only thing that's ever really helped is the hydrocodone drugs. This means mostlikely I'll spend the rest of my life in more and more pain until it either kills me or I kill myself because it's the only way that the pain will ever stop.

I never get to do anythingor go anywhere or buy anything. Everything costs money and most months I'm lucky to have enough for gas. my friends dont even bother to talk to me anymore becuase they know i cant do anything and they cant afford to pay for me and i dont expect them to. they're too busy with their own lives anyway and i'm a total downer. they ask how have you been and i actually start telling them. i can't help it. i've got a big mouth and dont know how to keep enough to myself. the only ones that keep in contact with me is people i talk to online, including marcie. and my mom. i love talking to my friends online and the couple that i talk to on the phone too. it really makes my day when i get to talk to harmony and dawggy on the phone. i dont know how i ever made it through life before them. i've only known them for 4 years, never even met them in person, prolly never will, but it feels like they've always been there and been helping me and making things ok. my mom makes things ok sometimes and grandma sometimes to. and marcie but we dont get to talk much.

My pdoc makes me feel like he thinks I'm lying to him. I tell him what i feel like and he says you say you feeel depressed and anxious and such but ACTUALLY you are doing very good because you do not appear groggy. WTF does that have to do wiht the fears and the depression and the noise and the smells and the bad man etc? I was just starting to be able to talk to my therapist and now she's found another job someplace else. the same thing happened with my last therapist. and my case manager that was great. I actually like dr bellman a lot and it sucks that she's leaving. Now they'll stick me with yet another therapist that i'll have to get used to and by the time I do they'll leave too. no one sticks around there. and the few who dont go away arent helpfull. like dr policar and dr jay. ricardo tries to be helpful at least but i'm sure it wont be long before he starts looking for another job too. all the decent ones leave.

i never accomplish anything. my whole apartment is a big mess. theres dishes in the sink stuff piled up on the counter. stuff on the floor. my trash can smells even without trash in it. i have no idea how to clean it. i dont know how to do just about anything. i'm always breaking stuff like my keyboard and my car and ice tray and lots of other thinggs. i cant get myself to exercise. i cant go walking alone even with my headphones on. grandma would get so mad if i did anyways. i cant stand it when people are mad at me. i always worry i'm going to make someone mad because it happens so often. i'm lazy. i sleep all day and sit on my ass all night in front of the tv and the computer. and i cry every day and night. i try really hard and usually succeed in not letting anyone see it. at night when i try to accomplish stuff is when it hits me the worst, when I realize how little i actually do and how it'll never change. i hope to finish this stupid intro class this semester so I can get the stupid library tech certificate. i dont know what to do then. i cant work in a library. i would have to work during the day. i would have to be somewhere everyday. i would have to function every day. i don't function every day. the headches. the backpain. the inside people. the bad man. the noise. the tears. the responsibilities. the contact with other people. my teeth. my tendency to be too honest. the fear. the worry. the dizziness. the clumsyness. the confusion.
its not that i dont want to work. i feel guilty every month when i get money other people earned then had to give to the government to give to people like me but mostly unlike me. a lot of the people that get the ss money are physically unable to work. i can walk i can talk. i can do somemstuff even tho i cant do it very well. if you look at me you would say she's fat and ugly but able bodied and must be a lazyass taking advantage of the hard working tax payers. they'd be right. i should be working. i shouldnt need thhe government and other people pay for me to live. the government pays the bills and the food and the gas. my mom and grandma pay for school stuff, my car problems, and when i spend money on stuff i shouldnt have bought like christmaas presents and dont have enough left to pay the bills. i shouldnt be taking this money. i should just die so it'd save these people the money and trouble . I'd do the job for them but I can't hurt my mom and my best friends as bad as that would hurt them. they love me very much. I've never underestood what there is to love about me but they've found something. I've been crying for at least 3 hours now. i guess i'll laaay down and cry until i fall asleep.

I'm sorry. I've been working so hard to be positive. I really really have but i just can't find much to stay positive about. i just had to get the pain and fears and unhappiness into words. I will shut up and pretend everything is good. thats what lifes really about isnt it?

getting close to bed time

Didn’t do much today. Slept until about three. Spent some time talking to Dawggy and Harmony. Talked to a couple other people in depchat and talked to zack. Did a little homework, did a little reading. Cleaned my bathtub. I took my last lortab today. I only take them when the pain gets unbearable. I am reading the book A new earth and its got me thinking. It feeds the ego to complain so I’m going to try harder to think of the positive and ignore the negative. It is not easy. That book really makes you think. It’s cool to be reading a book at the same time as a friend so we have some one to talk about the book with. The lortab has mostly worn off now and I’m starting to hurt again but its not as bad as before and I had quite a while without hurting bad. See…positive. Well its .almost 5 so I’m going to finish my sweeps and then sleep

I miss "a"

Where have I been? What have I been doing? Who am I doing? Why am I doing? How am I doing?.....Well.....no where really, just didn’t feel like blogging. I’ve been going to the clinic, making doctor appointments, chatting, and entering sweepstakes. I ain’t doing anyone (maybe I wouldn’t’ be so depressed if I were?) I have no idea why. I’m not doing too great, honestly.

This morning (it’s 5am atm) I haven’t even tried to lay back down yet because when I tried to lay down a couple hours ago I thought I was going to throw up or pass out right then and there. The room spun. So now I’m on the couch propped up by the cushions and a few pillows. I couldn’t sit completely up anymore because my back is killing me but I’m afraid to even try to lay down. Everything I’ve eaten for the last day or two has tasted wrong, mostly nasty. I can’t help but think someone in on the plan is poisoning my food. I don’t know what the plan is but they must have a plan. My stomach hurts.

The inside people have been particularly loud lately. I’ve also been hearing other things like an alarm clock or the rain and such. I have seen the bad man in my room. I try to avoid going in there now that I’m able to have my computer in the livingroom. I’ve even been sleeping in here on the couch instead of in my bed. He’ll get us there. I keep feeling the invisible bugs and nothing tastes right. I’ve been crying a lot and VERY anxious lately. My leg is always bouncing fast and I get so scared so easily of little things. I’ve been told it’s just paranoia or delusions about the photographers and the meetings with the plan. I don’t know. I want to cut now, I want to cut all the time.

I’ve been hurting worse than usual lately. Worse headaches more often/longer lasting. My back has been bothering me more too. My hands and feet hurt from the Raynauds. I don’t know why my shoulders, arms, and legs hurt. My stomach and chest hurt sometimes too. My chest especially hurts when I’m very scared.

I am really sick of being broke all the time. I cant go anywhere or buy anything. I try to eat ramen and soup often because it’s cheaper and I don’t have to buy groceries so often. I need to get my teeth fixed but I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it because medical won’t cover a bridge and even with payment plan I don’t know how’d I do it. Some months I over draw my account as it is just by doing something like buying a birthday gift or spending too much on groceries. I hate it. And I know I’ll be poor for the rest of my life. I’ve never been rich. My mom always struggled for money but she’s always made sure we have everything we need and most of what we want. I’m just a spoiled little brat that’s just not being catered to anymore. I need to get a job but there’s just no way I could work a day job. My body’s just wired wrong. I don’t know any night jobs I can do. I can’t really do a lot because my back has gotten so bad and I’m just not responsible or good at anything. I’m a clumsy idiot. I just never get anything right. I’m always screwing up. The other night I broke the “A” key on my keyboard so now I have to type really slow because when I type normal I almost aalways miss hitting the hole just right. I have to hit it in the center now. The missing key throws my whole hands off.

Two of my best friends are sick and I can’t do anyting about it but I make it worse by complaining about all my stupid problems. No one needs to know I’m crying or scared or depressed or hurting. I need to learn to just shut up and listen.


It's after 6am and I have 2 appointments tomorrow/todaay (wednesday). Neuro at 3 and pdoc right after that. So now I'll shut up and stop complaining and cry my dumbass to sleep. I'm sorry...

just a vent

I get bad headaches all the time. I see a neurologist for it. (He's not really all that helpful). I also see him for my back (slipped disc). Both have been really bad lately. I also have Raynaud's and that's been acting up a lot due to weather. Last couple days EVERYTHING hurts all the time. Even after taking Lortab. I've got a bit of a cough. I think I've been running a fever but I don't have a thermometer. I am freezing one moment, burning up the next. No happy medium. Mostly freezing. My chest hurts. I jsut feel icky.

The semester strts this thursdy for me. I had to borrow money for my text books which was about $100 for just 2 classes. One of the books was used. Book prices are just ridiculous. I have $50 coming from blingo but who knows when I get that. I'll have to pay back the textbook money with it and then pay the rest later. THeres a couple things I need for school like some new pens and pencils and something to put my pens and stuff in cuz the spacesaver box I used last semester got smashed. So have evvery other pencil holder of some kind. I had to buy ink. Both b&w and color. Fortunatly I spent less on groceries than usual cuz the store was so picked over. (Lots of ramen this month). I just hope I don't over draw my account again. It's happened a few times during the past year since I've had my own apartment.

My psychiatrist is an ass and a moron. I've asked for another one but no one else at the clinic will take my case after my old one gave up on me. (I don't respond well to medications). He took me off the anxiety med. I'm really depressed. Really anxious. Having other "symptoms" too.

I have 2 teeth missing in the front and a third thats only half there. Medi-cal won't cover fixing it (they say it's cosmetic). I'm really self concious when I go out. But going outt is really rare. I go to doctor appointsments and to my moms. And about once a month I go grocery shopping. The only people I ever talk to besides my mom I talk to online. Once in a while I'll talk to Dawggy and his wife on the phone. I'll start going to school next week but I'm painfully shy and self consiouc about my teeth and such so I don't really initiate conversation or speak up in class. Just about everyone in the classes have taken the other library science classes with me but they all have their friends and do the assignments with each other but I don't have anybody. I've just got this semester and I'll get a library technician certificate but not the degree. I want the degree but I still have several general ed classes to take. I can't really work right now. I live on disability right now but hope to get a job in the future once my physical problems and mental problems are under control. (If that ever happens).

I just feel so lost and hopeless. I enter sweeps, I chat with a few people, I read these forums, I read, I watch tv, and I eat, and I sleep. Thats bout it. It's hard to get exercise because it just hurts so much to move. I'm laying on the couch right now. I often sit on the couch with lots of pillows. Until recently I was stuck at a desk because wireless was not working.

It's wednesday night and I am home and watching tv but it's not really been a relaxing day. Not stressfull but not relaxing. My alarm went off at 7am because the Housing Authority inspector was scheduled to come between 7:30am and 4:30pm. I set my alarm clock to go off every ten minutes and my computer to make noises every half hour. I layed back down on the couch after I brushed my teeth and stuff and got dressed and did some last minute tidying up. I didn't actually get into a good sleep after that. I don't remember what time the inspector came. I think about 10:30 or 11am. Once he left I layed back down on the couch and slept a while. Then I got up and called Marcie to tell her that I would meet her at my moms house at 5pm. I then got in bed and slept until my alarm went off at umm about 3:15. My alarm clock in the bedroom is an hour and fifteen minutes fast so that when I have to get up in the morning and I'm half asleep I don't remember that it is fast and get up because I think I'm going to be late. Shortly after my alarm went off I was still laying in bed waiting for it to go off again when Harmony called. I then got up and talked to her and took my meds. After that I didn't do much for a while then got on OLS and started entering some of the single entry sweeps.

At 4pm I went and got my mail. I got some junk but I did get a wonderful homemade Valentines card from a good friend, Tara, from #depressionchat. After that I went to my moms house. Just before 5 marcie called my cellphone and said they'd be over in a little while. We finally exchanged Christmas presents. I got the game of Life twists and turns, a huge bottle of germ-x, a stapler, a happy bunny box calander, honey, the new rascal flatts cd, and hair detangiler. I also got 2 kinds of green tea. Blueberry and Raspberry. I've had the blueberry kind before and loved it. I tried the raspberry tonight and it's really good.

Today was a bad day

The day started out okay. Dawggy called around 11am and woke me up because I had asked him to. I got up without too much trouble. I ate a blueberry bagel with a little bit of cream cheese around 11:30am or noon or so. I entered some sweeps. I talked to Dawggy and another friend online but I don't remeber who it was. I think it was someone in #depressionchat but I'm not even sure of that. At about one I went and brushed my teeth and such and then came back in my room and got dressed. My back and head were hurting but it wasn't that bad. As the day went on both got worse. I made it to group in time. We talked about the feelings behind anger. I participated more than usual. But I had brought one of thoses one liter bottles of the carbonated flavored waters from costco. During group I tried to open it. It had not been dropped or shaken but the stupid thing exploded anyways, interupting group and getting my pants wet. I was/am so mad at myself. I should have opened the bottle slower. I'm such an idiot.

After group I had to see my psychiatrist, who scares me and makes me feel very small in a sense but really fat in another. I always dread seeing him and I can't wait to get out of his office when I'm there. I find that doctor rude and mean. I don't understand why people say he's such a good doctor. I feel stupid, fat, crazy, and like I'm wasting his precious time. He always makes me feel this way. My stomach was growling in his office really loud so I told him I was hungry. He told me it was making noise because I eat too much and that for someone my size I did not need to eat anything else. I told him all I had eaten today was a bagel that morning. I saw him at like 4:30pm. He told me that bagels are filling and I should not be hungry. I hate seeing him. I usually cry all the way home. I want to cut so bad tonight. I've been trying very hard to keep busy and not cut but Idon't know how much longer I can deal.

After seeing Dr. Jay I saw the med nurse and got a weeks worth of medicine. I asked him to change the welbutrin because he had me taking two pills in the morning with the invega and then another pill in the afternoon and then I also have night meds. I can't remeber to take a pill in the middle of the day. He said I could take it at night. He increased the invega from 6mg to 9mg. I've been on 9 before. Antipsychotics are pretty much useless for me. It don't kill them. I don't think any pill can. The way the bubble packs are this week due to the med change I felt confused when I took my night meds tonight. I think I took them right tho.

On the way home I had a panic attack in the car. I wanted out of the car so bad. I needed to get away from all those other cars. I was shaking and crying when I got home and it took me a long time to get over it. I wish the doctor would give me something for anxiety I can take when it gets bad. He took me off the buspar. I wish he'd give me ativan or something. I'm afraid to ask him though. It was hard enough asking for the afternoon pill changed to a different time. I am really shy I think. I can't talk to authority figures at all. Anyone that can put me in the hospital if I say the wrong thing makes me worried. I don't want to go to the hospital, it just makes everything worse. It's never helped me.

I am crying a lot lately. Most days it's several times. I don't even usually know why I'm crying. Any little thing can make me cry. I'm crying now. My nose is snotty from crying so much. My eyes hurt. My back is hurting really bad right now. I moved wrong again and it felt like someone took a big butcher in my back and twisted it. All I have is tylenol and it don't do shit. My heads been hurting all day too. And the noise of the clinic was getting to me bad. I had my ipod and was able to drown out most of the overlapping clutters of noise all around me. I know I must have looked crazy because I kept feeling someone looking at me and being right behind me so I kept turning around to look. I felt so scared. I know it must have been those people who sneak around taking pictures. I've only told one or two people about them and they just tell me there is no one there but I know there is. I see the flashes from the cameras sometimes.

I was reading the book Stand like mountain, flow like water earlier and I felt really confused because there was a story in the book that I knew I had read already so I thought I was on the wrong page but none of the rest of the part I was reading looked familiar. I found the story online and that helped knowing where I'd read it, Tara had forwarded it to me.

I'll shut up now and try to stop crying and try to keep myself busy and not cut but I think I have to cut tonight. I'm sorry.

nothing

Not much happening in my life right now. I go back to school on the 19th. My therapist keeps talking about me doing stuff outside the house. That's hard for me. I get so anxious when I'm around people I don't know unless I have a friend with me. Ricardo wants me to walk. My grandma don't want me to go outside at all. There have been several shootings in this area. I don't want to go walking anywys because I don't have anyone to walk alone....my moms on the phone....i'll say more later..

kylee's birthday

We went to the Old Spaghetti Factory for kylee's birthday. her girlfriend trisha called 4 times while we were there telling kylee to hurry up. kylee rushed us all so she could get to the movies with trica. she didnt even come home and let us sing happy birthday and have cake. she don't want to do anything with her family at all. she acted aggravated that she had to spend even part of her birthday with her family. i know a lot of teenagers dont like hanging out with their family but they dont have to be downright hateful.

my therapist is coming to my house tomorrow. i still have a little bit of cleaning to do tonight and i want to finish sweeps. following a list right now.

Another day, just the same as always. How are you? I don't know. I really don't. I'm so lost. I'm so tired. Not the kind of tired that going to bed will fix. This tired is different. It's the exhaustion that comes from sharing body and mind with the inside people. The exhaustion that comes from always hurting. My back has been so bad lately. Last night was the worste. I couldnt get comfortable laying down. I couldnt get comfortable sitting up. I took a hot shower, took a baclofen I found in a box I didnt know i still had. I have 2 more. I also took tylenol. The pain goes down my right leg. It got a little better after all that but I was still in quite a bit of pain. My hands and lower arms and my feet and lower legs all always either hurt or are asleep. The headaches have not decreased despite taking elavil everynight. The doc said the longer i take it the better it'd work but i've been taking it for several months now. I see the neuro again next week. I'm going to tell him the pain is so bad I cant even function and it's true. Between it all I just can't even thrink straight a lot of the time. The raynaud's is worse this year. I think its that causing the arm/leg thing but its never done that before. always just hands and feet. my left hand is worse than right hand which sucks cuz i'm left handed. I hate living. I'm so sick of being in pain. I don't want to do it anymore.

sorbet

I just at a sorbet. It was cold. I was already cold. I didn't manage get out of bed until like 6pm. I suck. I never do anything right. I didn't wash the dishes last night and when I made chicken nuggets tonight i knocked my roll of papertowels into the pan full of water that is soaking from the mac and cheese i made last night. Ruined the whole damn roll. I never do anything right. Once again I have no meds. I left my purse at my moms house last night on accident and I didn't go get it today. I didn't do anything today. I ate. I watched tv and I chatted with marcie and dawggy. thats it. now i'm doing a list. i still need to explain to topaz about my list.

itts hard to swallow

I've been having a hard time swallowing for the past several days. I've also been acheing all over. My back has been hurting worse than usual and sometimes the pain is in my leg too. Theres been short periods of time when it hurts so bad that I couldnt walk very well. My headaches have been pretty bad this weekend/week. I hurt all over. All weekend I've hurt bad. Today my stomach and back hurt more because I started my damn dot. I went to the clinic today but I was supposed to be there at 9:30am and I didn't get there until about 1:30pm. Gabby, the med nurse, gave me my meds for tonight , told me I didn't have to go to IOP anymore because it's not helping because I just can't get there that early in the day very well. I missed my pdoc appointment and have my next one in two weeks. I have to go to the clinic tomorrow and get a week's worth of medicine. I have to talk to ricardo tomorrow too.

I'm F.I.N.E.

Doing a list. Pretending to be fine. So many thoughts. So much noise. It's so hard not to cut, not to make it quiet down. I'm trying though. I don't know why though. I eventually do it most of the time so why don't I just get it over with and feel some relief sooner? But that makes people mad at me. I can't stand it when people are mad at me. My head hurts. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. My arms and legs hurt. My back hurts a little. I just hurt all over. I've taken tylenol but I'm still hurting. I need something stronger. I miss having vicodin. It actually helped. Lortab helped even more. When you ask for those drugs though they don't want to give them because if you take more than you're supposed to it can be used as a recreational drug. Or sold for that purpose. I just want the pain to stop. Both the inside pain and the physical pain. Why won't it stop?

pain and numbness

My arms and legs keep hurting and when they're not hurting they're numb. My hands and feet have always done this. That's why I was diagnosed with Raynaud's disease when I was in 7th grade. Raynaud's is onl supposed to affect the hands, feet, nose, and ears I thought. But I could be wrong. I usually am. I see the neurologist on the 30th and i'll ask him and if he ddon't know what to do i'll make an appointment with my regular doctor and talk to him about the numbenss and the pain and my equilibrium.

I broke my tree :(

A year or two ago Harmony made me this ceramic tree at clubhouse. I've kept it on my desk shelf ever since. I liked to have it where I could see it. It reminded me how giving my friends are. Well today I bumped the desk again, pretty hard. The tree came flying at me and hit the floor next to me and shattered. I just want to cry. Harmony said accidents happen and she'll make me something else when she goes back to clubhouse. I'm glad she's not mad at me. I told my mom and she said well you shouldn't have stuff like that on your shelves anyways and you shouldn't bump the desk.

I hate myself...

slept hard

Last night I set my alarm for noon. It didn't wake me up. Harmony and Dawggy tried to make as much noise on the computer as possible, which usually wakes me up. Harmony called me. Topaz called me. I slept through all of that. When Harmony called me a second time I heard it and answered and got up. That was about 1:30pm I think.

My apartment is clean, except the closet. The closets bad. I've been really bored today. I probably called my mom half a dozen times or more. I sent my mom tons of emails. Forwards I've saved in gmail for as long as two years.

We were thinking of going back to Disneyland this sunday but Dillon has a throat infection and an ear infection so we will probably wait until next week. I don't care either way.

I've been talking to topaz a lot lately. online and on the phone. she's very nice and funny. She's having a really hard time right now tho. I try to be there for her as much as possible and distract her from her inside people. She's a lot like me.

the inspection

A lady from housing authority came about eleven this morning. She had this tiny little notebook computer with a touchscreen and a pen to touch it with. She asked a few questions, tested the smoke detector, looked at the waterheater, and sat for a few minutes doing something on her computer. She said the water heater needs a second earthquake strap. She also complained that she couldn't walk through a path from the front house driveway to my apartment, and had to drive around to the alley.

I'm glad that's over.

Sunday and monday

On sunday I got up early but not as early as I'd planned. I had set my alarm but forgot to turn it on so I didn't get up til mom called. The 6 of us went to Disneyland. Grandma got mad at us for not coming home until like 11pm. She wanted us home by dark. I lost my annual pass. We got good seats for the fireworks. They cancelled the fireworks due to mild winds.

On monday I slept. I was supposed to leave at 9am to get to the clinic. Slept right through the alarm. Mom called. I went back to sleep. Eventually it was too late to go. I had a dentist appointment at 3pm but according to the dentist it was at 2:30 but I know it was supposed to be at 3pm because when I'd made the appointment I told them I could not get there until at least 3pm. The dentist appointment was because my bridge came out and this time broke the took that held it in into pieces. That bridge cannot be put back in now. Mom called. I fell back asleep. Dentist called moms house since I wasn't there at 2:30. Mom called me, mad. I called the dentist. By then it was too late to go. They can't get me in until a week from tuesday.

Monday night I talked to Topaz and she called me. She helped me clean my room by keeping me moving and telling her what I was doing and giving me suggestions. I got quite a bit done but there is still more to do. Mom is coming in the morning while I am at the clinic. I have to leave for the clinic at 9:00am. I have IOP until 2pm. Then I have to get my meds. Then I have to go to living well group, which I will be late for because of IOP. That ends at 3:30 so I should be home by 4pm. When I get home I'll need to go get my mail and send out my car insurance bill. I have already written the check.

On wednesday housing authority is coming to inspect my apartment. Not sure what time. They gave me a large window they will come sometime during.

I have tried to be not negative in this post but I doubt I've succeeded. I'm sorry.

I am a negative person

I can't help it. I'm always negative no matter how hard I try to be positive and fine. What am I going to do about it? I'm gonna STFU. I will no longer call or instant message anyone unless it is necessary. When I do call or instant message anyone I will not talk about myself, my life, my feelings, or anything that could be considered negative. I will talk about what needs to be talked about then leave whoever it is alone. I will continue to sit in the chatrooms I live in (manicdepression, depressionchat) and will say hi to people who come in either. I will not volunteer any information about myself. I will not join channels like #bus unless I absolutely have nothing else to do and when I do go in a chatroom I will sit queitly. I'm just going to leave people alone. If you need someone to talk to, I'll listen. I'll still be longed in just like always but I will no longer IM people or call people. I'm just ignored most of the time anyway so I don't know why I even talked to anyone to begin with. I'm sorry. I'm going to shut up now before I get any more negative.

Bye.

3:35am and a list

I'm listening to my ipod on my ihome and following a list. I'm trying to do each thing on the list for the length of one song. The goal is to do the things I NEED to do for AT LEAST the length of a song (things like cleaning) and the things I don't really need to do for no more than the length of a song (such as myspace and email).

I slept til about 4:20 or so at least so I have been up for about 11.5 hours now. Lately thats a long time for me. I am feeling stressed because my apartment is a mess and I've got until the 16th (it's now the 10th...so less than 6 days) to get it clean because Housing Authority will be inspecting it.



The list I'm using:

1. journal
2. floor/bed/closet
3. music
4. ols
5. email
6. classicheartland/bleuteam/dawggy.net
7. laundry
8. me
9. kitchen
10. livingroom/bathroom/hallway
11. blog
12. winzy/blingo
13. desk/tv/dresser/nightstand
14. read
15. myspace/e2
16. pictures
17. dishes
18. journals/magazines
19. backup
20. mail/lists/school

Explanation:
1. paper notebook
3. mostly putting music on computer so I can put it on my ipod later
4. online-sweepstakes.com
6. classicheartland.com sweeps/emails I primarily use for sweeps
8. food/drink/potty etc
12. winzy.com and blingo.com (search engines that give you a chance to win a prize with every search)
14. Currently reading "Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water" by Brian Luke Seaward, PH.D.
15. e2 is everything2.com (spending most of this time on myspace.com tho)
16. sometimes scaning pictures, other times uploading pictures, sometimes finding pics online to use in myspace comments etc.
18. I have a journal that me and Marcie write back and forth in (which I need to find) and a journal I write back and forth in with Harmony. Magazines is cutting out pictures and words to paste into journals and whatever else from old magazines that pile up in my place.
19. Saving all the files on my computer that I don't want to lose either on a cd or on the web because I'm going to have to reinstal windows soon and will lose everything on my computer.

I think everything else is pretty easy to figure out. If theres anything anybody is unsure of theres a little comment button...


Well I obviously spent waaaay too much time doing this (4 or 5 songs) so it's time to move on.

CEC and more

That's me and my mom at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday. I was laughing at my mom and at Hannah doing everything she could to mess up every picture. She'd run up and cover the camera lense right before the pic was taken. So we'd try to hold her back and she'd do everything she could to mess up the picture, trying to get away, lifting her leg way up to block the lens with her foot, etc.

I was supposed to go go the clinic today but instead I stayed in bed until after 4pm. I'm so stupid. I didn't get my stupid pills. I didn't go to IOP. I missed my therapy appointment AGAIN. I never do anything right. I cut again a little while ago. My therapist must think I'm avoiding her. I'm not. I just can't get myself out of bed. I haven't even been doing much online lately. I get cold, I get frustrated, I get bored with what I'm doing, I get lonely, or whatever, it doesn't really matter...I just go get in bed. That and cutting is my answer to everything now. And once I'm in bed I stay there for hours and hours and hours. Often from like midnight until like five pm. I don't do anything anymore. I just don't want to. I just want to die.

When asked I say I'm "ok" or at least "ok i guess". I laugh and smile while the inside people chant "die bitch die" or tell me i'm a "fucking loser" or sometimes laugh at me. Elly isn't mean, Helen isn't mean. They're just kids. They uusally just do kid things. laugh and play and be silly. lately they cry a lot. the other inside people scare them. i like some of the inside people like elly and helen but some of them like david are really mean and scary.

I'm there for my friends. I care about and love my friends. I worry about Marcie sometimes. Today I called to check on her and ask her if she or her boyfriend knows how to hook up dvd players and Wii's, but mainly to see how she's doing. Tonight an online friend came into #depressionchat and she was feeling really really bad. suicidal. i gave her all the lies and a few truths she needed to hear to make it through the night. things will get better. people love you and would be hurt if you died (true!). things can't get worse. i care about you (true). Etc. Etc. I'm almost always able to be there for everyone else. I listen. I tell them I understand. I respond to what they say. I agree with them or as gently as possible I tell them why I don't agree with them. I try to give them feedback. Mostly I just keep them company and let them know I'm listening. Nanny says I should major in psychology and help agoraphobics online or something.

Ok, well, I'm done rambling for the moment. I have less than a week before they come inspect my apartment and it's in no shape to have people look at it. I need to try to make progress on it before I go back into hiding.

still pretending in 2008

I still hate myself just as much as ever. I still want the world to end/my life to end. I am still pretending to be fine though. I hate it. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone.

Today I was supposed to go to IOP and get my meds and talk to Ricardo about my rent. Instead I slept until 6:30pm. I just could not get myself to wake up enough to get out of bed. I'm such an idiot. So now, once again, I don't have medicine. But, honestly, I don't really care. It doesn't do shit for me anyways. I take the stupid stuff everyday and have been for a long time now and I still always feel like shit. I don't know why I bother to take it. I don't know why I bother to go to the clinic at all. I sit through the stupid groups, just waiting for the group to be over. I go to therapy, but I can't talk to my therapist. I'm too scared most of the time. The inside people don't want me to talk to her. And most of the time I just don't even know WHAT to say. I just can't get sentences to form. It's so much easier online, when I talk through my fingers, not through my mouth. But, even here, it takes me a long time to get anything down. I spend a lot of time just sitting here staring at the screen trying to get my fingers to move.

Tomorrow mom says I'm taking Kylee and Dillon to Disneyland. Kylee will be off with Tricia all day. So it will be me and Dillon. That is if we go. Grandma don't want us to go. There is a chance it will rain tomorrow night. Usually whatever grandma wants, grandma gets. So we will probably stay home. I don't really care either way. I just don't have the energy. I'm dreading if we do go, but I don't want Dillon to be disappointed if we don't go. Kylee was just there on the 28th of December for her and Tricia's one year anniversary. We ususally go every other week or so. We haven't gone since right after thanksgiving (or was it right before thanksgiving? my memory sucks). I kinda want to go but I don't really want to go. I'm usually really anxious there, more than at home or the clinic or the store, but it's also always fun there. Sigh. I don't even know what I want. If we do go mom said she wants us to come home about 6pm.