I'm bored

It's a few minutes until House goes off. It'll be ten pm. I'm bored and don't feel like reading the book I'm reading. I don't feel like adding sweeps to mysweeps right now. it's been kinda hot today. Had the fan on all day and the a/c on for a little while. I havne't accomplished anything today.

new keyboard

It's been a while since I've blogged because I was too frustrate with my broken spacebar to try to type something as long as a blog entry. Today I spent like $33 on two twelve packs of soda, a keyboard, and an USB to PS/2 adapter.

I'm very tired tonight. This morning mom came over about 9:30am with the twins and DIllon. We went to McDonald's for breakfast. Then we went miniture golfing. Hannah loved it. Daniel got tired of it very quickly. We couldn't get it through his head that you're not supposed to pick the balls up or throw them. We were all glad (except probably Hannah) when we got to hole 18. Then we went and ate at the Rainforrest Cafe in the Ontario Mills Mall. Their cheese sticks are good. The scenery there is really cool. Then we looked around the mall. My new shoes kill my feet. I'm going to try to take them back and exchange them. I got them at Kmart.

After mom dropped me off at home I went to Wal-mart. Twice. I went and got the stuff and got home and the keyboard didn't work. So I took it back and exchanged it.

Mom brought me a fan this morning, so it's not so hot in my room now.

Harmony's son is IP for the first time. She's depressed about it. She appologized for dumping on me when I got home this evening but I didn't mind. She needed to vent and I was able to be there to listen.

I'm pretty depressed myself. I haven't cut today but I kinda want to but I think I can resist for right now. I feel exhausted. I've had a headache all day and my back is stiff and hurting from golfing. It wasn't a bad day tho. The twins kept us entertained.

I found out yesterday that my father, Rick, had a heart attack and is in the ICU. I hope he's okay. I also hope he's not out of work too long becasue my mom needs the child support for Kylee and Dillon. I hope Rick is okay also for his new family. He has a young son who depends on him and a nice wife who loves him.

Well anyway, I guess that's enough rambling for now....

My mom's surgery went fine

Today Grandma andI sat in the surgical waiting room for a couple hours while mom was in surgery and then in recovery. When I called Dillon he didn't even ask how mom was. When Kylee called me I tried to tell her how mom was and she didn't even want to hear. All Kylee cares about is Kylee. She wanted me to drive her to Tricia's house to give her a book or something and said she needed to get something from Tricia but that it was "personal" and wouldn't tell me what it was. I told her if she can't even tell me why she "needs" a ride over there I'm not going to go way out of my way to take her. So Kylee is mad at me again. When I picked Dillon up he did ask about mom. He wanted to know if he should tell his friend's he can't go to Universal Studios (a trip that's been planned for a few weeks now) so he could help with the twins. I'm going to go over there Sunday to help with them so Dillon can go with his friends. I dropped grandma and dillon off at home then went to school. I got a 6 out of 8 on my English Proficiency Exam (EPE) which is a passing grade. I criedd most of the way home and bawled the entire time I've been home thinking about how Kylee especially don't give a shit about our mom. So many things could have happened today, so many things there are that could have gone wrong during surgery and mom could have slipped away from us but Kylee didn't even want to hear when I tried to tell her mom was fine. Harmony cares more about my mom (who she's never even really talked to) than Kylee does. Harmony said she called four times today. The first thing she asked me when I finally was able to call her back was "How's your mom?" Harmony and Dawggy prayed for my mom. Kylee probably didn't even give a second thought about my mom today except for how mom's surgery and recovery is going to inconvience her. Sometimes I just want to smack her.

I'm going to go find the number for the hospital and see if I can call my mom and check in on her before it gets late. I love my mommy.

my back hurts again

I'm itchy all over and my back is hurting. I'm watching Leno. Dawggy is helping me with a list but I'm too scared to do anything in the rest of the apartment. I feel safer in my bedroom. The badman is in the livingroom again and I'mscared to go near the windows.

tomorrow is mom's surgery

In the morning I have to go take my mom to the hospital becauseshe is having a hystorectomy. We're all dreading it, of course mom isdreading it the most. Poor thing . SHe's gone through a lot the last couple years. She's gonna need help after the surgery with the twins. I don't know how much the twins will let me help.

depressed but trying to be "fine"

I feel depressed but I've spent all day trying real hard to be fine and happy. I pretended I was in a good mood at clubhouse even though the inside people were jabbering away about how fat I am as I ate my piece of cake. I talked to Elaine as if I was having a good day. I'm only having a good enough day to fakke it. Ididmanage to havesome fun this afternoonafter a nap. Then Imanaged to get a couple of the dishes donebutnot all of them. Istill can't get all the egg out of my pan from when Imade scrambled eggs the othernight. (I hate my spacebar.) I've tried cleaning it several times including right after i ate the eggs. I just can't seem to get all the egg scraped off. THey talked in group today about how important it is to be completely honestwith your treatment team. I never tell anyone at the clinic about the things I see and very little about what I hear. I don't think anyoneat the clinic even knows about the bad man. ohwell.

dont give up

PETER GABRIEL LYRICS

"Don't Give Up"

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong

tired of faking it

I try real hard to hide how deeply depressedI am and how bad the "psychosis" is. My family has no clue I'm even depressed at all. They would just say I'm using it as an excuse for being a lazy slob. I wish i had the energy and motivation to get my apartment clean andkeep it that way. i just feel so shit. so stupid. so empty. so useless. so selfish bitchy. so broked.

i hate myself and i want to die. i wish i could die without hurting anybody but i haven't figured out how to do that so i'm stuck here pretending to be fine. I soo want to just give up on the show and let everyone know how much i hate myself and i want to die. i laugh at the jokes. i say "I'm okay" "i'm fine" "i'll get it done" "thats funny" and "i'm sorry"

why bother with school work? I'mgoing to get a bad grade in at least two of my classes. my online classes. i suck at typing and i suck at the tests and the review questions for the psych class.

i just want it all to end...i wishi could end my life somehow...


i'm sorry

still hating myself

Dawggy is trying to help me with a list. I'm having trouble focusing on the list. I can't get the thoughts of si out of my head. I've only cut a little bit today but i havve cut. i so desperatley want to cut more but everyone thinks si is such a bad thing so i try not to do it but i'm not very good at not doing it. when i feel the need to do it i usually do it. i'm weak like that.

i hate myself and i want to die

I've been in bed on and off all day. more on than off. the inside p eople are trying to take control today. and the bad man is here. he sits on my couch and watches me go in the kitchen and then soemtimes chases me back into my room. as long as i get to the computer so i'm not alone i'm alright. so apparently i'm psychotic.

anyways, i hate myself and i want to die. i dont do anything right. i'm never happy. i'm a selfish bitch. i wish everyone else would hate me too so i wouldnt feel guilty about killing myself. i dont want to hurt anyone. so here i am stuck in this life. faking my way through the day. smiling at school when the teacher looks at me while on the inside i'm crying to cry. whats wrong with me? why am i never truly happy? why do i get solonely and then when i'm around people just want to disappear and be alone?

only 13 papers

For english i have to have at least 21 typed tasks. I've only got 13 in my portfolio now. How am I going to get all those tasks done, get all the typing done and all the psych homework done? i'm so tired. i hate myself and i want to die.

i went to grandmas house after class and ate two big bowls of spaghetti and she sent me home with some. i just want to go to bed ad hidde and si and sleep. sleep forever. i gotta pass these classes tho. i can't handle flunking out again.

Trying so hard

I'mtrying really hard to get my school work done, at least pretend to laugh at my friend's jokes, and not cut or think about how to perfect a suicide plan. I've been working on typing for HOURS. I'm only maybe a little more than 1/3 of the way done with the work for typing class that is due this weekend. It's already thursday. I hate myself and I want to die. I suppose that's my motto nowadays. I got a couple of the dishes washed but not all of them. Mostly I've just been typing and typing. I hate this stupid typing class. The only thing I'm glad about for that class is that I took the online version instead of sitting in a classroom a few hours a week listening to lectures on how to type. well its back to the damned typing ...

"I gotta go"

I hate it when she says that. It always makes me cry. i dont mean to trigger her i dont mean to hurt her. i try really hard not to say the wrong thing but i always say something wrong and get the "I gotta go". i cant stop crying again. i already cut and crying crystal. she told me she hopes i get in touch with reality. this IS my reality. the inside poeple are myreality. pain is my reality. lonliness is my reality. life sucks. i hate myself and i want to die. die bitch die make the pulse stop. so much snnot. i hate crying. ihate being such a terrible person. i hate hurting my friends. maybe losing me would actually be easier on my friends and family than dealing with me...

pulse

The chant of die bitch die is relentless. the "you need to make the pulse stop" isn't helping either. i've been crying. crimson. i've been hiding in bed. i am a mess today. i want so bad to be a selfish bitch and die. i don't havea plan tho. I don'tknow how to successfully kill myself so i can't even try. i have to get my school work done cuz i cant handle flunking again. i dont knowif i can do it. i'm gonna go hide and maybe cry some more dont know what kind of tears

angry

i hate the fact that i feel angry at the people i love. why? cuz i want to die. i've been called a selfish bitch many times, especially by my mom but if i were really a selfish bitch i'd be dead. the only reason (besides the fact that i'd just fuckitup and make things worse) that i'm not dead is because i dont want to hurt the people i love like my family and harmony, dawggy, and marcie. i keep crying. both crystal and crimson tears. dawggy told me i need to quit fucking up but i'm trying and i'm failing. :'( i dont know how to keep myself from cutting and crying. i dont know how to keep myself from saying the wrong thing. i dont know how to be a good person. i dont know how to get all my school work done without flipping out. i'm scared. i can't handle flunking out again.

didnt go get my meds

i was supposed to go to the clinic today to get my meds but its almost 4pmand i just cant getmyself dressed and out the door. its not like the meds are helping anyway. i've already cut twice today. i want to cut again. its the only relief i have the longer i'm able to bleed the better it feels. i wrote die bitch in my blood on my leg. die bitch die keeps being repeated in my head. david wont shut up elly wont stop crying helen screams i have to make it through the weekend without making a fool proof plan. i'll go to the clinic on monday and be at least somewhat honest with them. i just wont mention the fact that if i had a fool proof plan to die, one i just could never survive, i would do it and just fuck my family and friends. i dont want to kill myself. i'm scared. i dont want to hurt my family and friends. they love me for reasons i have never understood and probably never will. i have been trying to get homework done today but i've spent most of the day going back to bed and listening to the stupid tv. i'm haveing a really hard time writing an essay for english and a terrible time trying to understand the directions in the typing book and typing without too many errors. as for psych i keep reading over the answers. i know they're in that section cuz of the headings but i'm just not comprehending what i'm reading. i hope no one reads this. i'm so pathetic.

Home from school

I know I've been blogging a bunch, mostly short shit revealing shit I shouldn't talk about. I'm sorry. I have no one to talk to right now that I won't trigger. I'm lonely. I'm a basketcase. I'm a loser. I'm FUBAR.

Today in class we had to get up in front of the class and debate abortion. One group gets an A the other group gets an F. We got an F. I then had to go buy a blue book for the EPE I have to take ontuesday. more homework. have to plan an essay that i can have very little notes for that i have to write in class. i suck atinclass essays even when i'm at my best. right now i'm a mess. depressed. even thinking that suicide would be ok if i could just figure out a fool-proof plan, something I just cannot ever survive. i have no idea how i can do that tho so if anyone actually reads this shit i type here don't worry. i'll still be alive tomorrow.

i want so bad to cut right now. cut alot. bleed alot. iwant tokillthis damn spacebaronmy laptop! I can't keep my mind off of doing "something stupid" likecutting or writing a suicide note. i'm scared of myself. i'm also scared of the bad man. even tho dawggy told me he's notreal. i know dawggy is prolly right. he usually is but he exists to me. i can see and i can hear him, tho not usually at the same time. i'm scared of him. he wants to hurt us again. he wants to make me miserable but i'm already miserable enough.

i dont even know what triggered all this. i've been cutting at least once a day all week and i had gone like a month without. i'm typing now to keep my fingers busy until i can get my thoughts onto schooland off of the blade thats so close yet so far from me at this very moment. i have run out of crystal tears and now have to cry in crimson...i'm sorry.

Really frustrated

i can't get past the stupid 5 minute timed writing with lessthan 5 errors. i get like 20 errors and thatstyping really slow, like 26 wpm. i just cant do it. i cant do anything. i cant find the answers for psych i cant get my englsih shit organized. all i want to do is go to bed and cut more. i already cut a little bit today. i gotta stop cutting. i was doing good and now i'm overwhelmed and cant stop thinking aqbout blood and death and my own failures. my therapist called yesterday and cancelled todays appointment without even asking me how i am. my dentist put my front teeth thingy in crooked. i'm pissed off. wanna cry but cant which makes it even harder not tocry crimson tears. its the only way i can get it out

bad night

I cut again last night, just a little. I was in bed early but not sleeping much. The bad man is back. I'm scared. I wish I had someone like Harmony has someone to be there with her and protect her. I don't know what to do with myself. i'vebeen taking my meds. i'm a mess.

i want to give up

i want to give up on life and i want to give up on school and i want to give up on trying not to cut


idont know whattodo. i've got my teddy bear and princess in my arms. the tearshave stoppedfor now. my leg keeps bleeding. i hanve't cut today still but i really want to. i cut my leg yesterday and it keeps bleeding every so often. i got blood on my slippers.

feeling like shit

iache all over. i want to si. iwant to gohide in bed. i'm hot. i have a headache. i dont feel like doing anything. i'mscared i wont get my school work all done in time because i'm having such a hard time working on it. what the hell is wrong with me? i'm such a failure. i'm such a loser. i can't ever relax and be happy. i understand why people turn to drugs. I wish i could do drugs and feel different. the feelings would probably last longer than those from cutting.

Dentist

I went to covina dental today to get my bridge put back in again. its in crooked now. that pissed me off. and she don't explain anything to me she tells my mom. i'm 26 not 6 i'm old enough and smart enough to comprehend what needs to be done if she'd just tell me.

i havent cut today but i really wantto. kellycalled and cancelled my therapy appt tomorrow. that pissed me off too cuz i was going to be honest with her about how i've been this week. i didnt get to talk in group and now once againi can't talk toher one on one. i've got nowhere to turn. idont want to end up back in the damn hospital again. damnit i'm crying again

Every day again? *don't read*

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. I cut, I cut, I cut. I want to cut more. I got blood on my sheet again today. They are my newest sheets too. I've been biting my fingernails worse than usual. I have a few sore fingers from the nails being bit off too short.

Harmony and Dawggy can barely talk to me now. Not just because I'm a basket case but because of their own depression. The storm they have over their area isnt' helping Harmony. I wish I could be more supportive for her but I have no idea what to say. I keep crying. I don't want to live anymore. I'd kill myself except for I'd fuck it up and even if I didn't it would hurt my family and friends more than what I can do by faking my way through the day. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be fine when I'm around my family, at the clinic, and at school. I know I shouldn't pretend at the clinic but I'm scared not to. If they knew the kind of stuff going on in my head they'd say I need to be IP. Going IP has never helped me. It just puts off the inevitable. I eventually get released and figure things out on my own. They put me on new meds but most of the time they get changed again when I go back to my regular pdoc. I have no idea why I'm crying so much. I have no idea what has triggered all this shit. Iwas fine, thinks are going well i even got my rent reduced. then BAM my head was flooded with dark images sounds and feelings. i want to cut more. deeper. bleed more. i want to feel the relief that comes with the cutting, the crimson tears.

i cant get thoughts of dying out of my head. i cant get thoughts of how lucky people who've died are. i don't know what to say to anybody especially harmony. she can't handle my shit right now and i cant think of any happy shit to talk aboutwith her.

i cut again

after dawggy said have a nice life i was even more upset and despite marcie trying to help me i ended up getting dizzy and having to go lay down then i got up once it passed i cut a lot. most are not deep but theres several of them. i'm not blaming him or anyone. i just coudlnt take anymore. i feel a little better now but really lonely and depressed but not as freaked out.

I want to die

No one can deal with me. Not even me. Dawggy told me to have a nice life. I keep crying. I didnt mean to make him mad.He said I'm not sorry that he hates that word. I don't know what else to say. Europa is talking to me. She's trying to figure out whats wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to SI but I don't even know why I'm trying not to at this point. I wish I could just die. I'm not going to try to kill myself because it'd just make things worse cuz I'd surely fail and then everyone would be even more mad at me. I never meant to upset anyone. I don't know what is wrong with me all I know is its more than I can handle.