Wednesday, June 2, 2004

TheDeadGuy's homenode

The reason for this is so if he ever removes any of this from his homenode I can still look back at it. This is not EVERYTHING off the homenode, but it is most of it. Use of this material requires permission of Keith but I’ve never known him to say no, as long as he is credited as the author. Some of the stuff below is not his original words, but is credited accordingly.

Crazy, but that's how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it's not too late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing
Life's a bitter shame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

I've listened to preachers
I've listened to fools
I've watched all the dropouts
Who make their own rules
One person conditioned to rule and control
The media sells it and you have the role

--Ozzy, "Crazy Train"
"For as long as space endures
And for as long as living beings remain,
Until then may I too abide
To dispel the misery of the world."

Chapter 10, Verse 55

The War of the Zealots has begun. It is a self-perpetuating war of self-righteousness, anger and hatred. The revolution has begun. It is internal, it is about the self. As we descend into madness, can you redeem yourself? That is the question, for you must break with them if you are to save yourself. Both sides are equally wrong, for they are motivated by hate and retribution. Lift yourself above it. They have corrupted the words and teachings of our brothers and sisters. It is far worse than it seems. Embrace love, compassion and understanding. If you do not, you will fall with the zealots, for they have already damned themselves.
Anyone who justifies wholesale murder in the name of God, Jesus, Allah or Mohammed has condemed themselves. Do not join them. If you believe either side is "more right" in the War of the Zealots, you are no better than they are. No God and no true prophet takes sides. Everyone is right only when they accept that no one is wrong. Revolt against the madness. Love your brother. Love your sister. It is the way.
I am not special
I am just as you are
No more
No less
If you understand, or if you want to understand
Do not follow me
Stand beside me

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Imagine me, taught by tragedy
Release is peace
I heard a little girl
And what she said was something beautiful
To give... your love
No matter what

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

Red Hot Chili Peppers
My Friends
Since my series that begins at [A Journey Ended Begins Again] has become so lengthy and ungainly, I offer a breakdown as suggested to me by a friend and brother.
The Major Works
(The best place to start if you are truly interested)
[Give everything you can to everyone you know]: The first principle of the meaning of life and the building block for the human experience.

[Everyone is right]: The second principle of my faith and belief system, a building block for one's positive orbit with other human beings, aka maintaining good relationships with others who have different belief systems and structures than you do.

[Convergence]: The third principle of my belief system, the coming together of souls who have come to learn, understand, live by and teach the first and second principles.

[Forgiveness]: The greatest gift in our possession, and one which we all share, but do not share enough.

[The blueprint of the soul]: Translation of the central core, the knowledge that is central to building a journey through eternity. Translation by myself, Keith John, through the assistance of Anastasia Christina.
The Parables
(Stories that help to teach the principles in a way that relates to modern life)
[Rancho Nuevo]: The central story that is the foundation for my personal theology. It is a story, an allegory, that teaches a different lesson each time I explore it. My personal theology is my own and may or may not be relevant to your own experience and faith.
[The Lightford Parable]: A story about the nature of love and how it isn't always what we want it to be, but often it is exactly what we need it to be.

[Don't Leave Before The Miracle]: A story about forgiveness and the nature of the different orbits we attain with different people and how things are rarely, if ever, black and white.
For those who are struggling or suffering
(Having spent many years being depressed, angry with life and suicidal, this is familiar old territory)
[The Comfort of Depression]: A state of mind can be addictive, and the patterns we find ourselves falling into again and again take on a life of our own. If we know nothing but sorrow and unhappiness, it is difficult to find anything but.
[Stagnation]: Are we willing to embrace change, the kind of change we must actively pursue and take risks to attain, or do we stay only with the safe and the familiar?
[Questions to ask yourself on the way to self discovery]: As the title says, you must be willing to ask yourself questions. You must also be able to answer them honestly.
[Soul Dragon]: There are many different ways to look at how we protect ourselves from perceived dangers and keep ourselves out of harm's way. Derived from my own death experience, I interpret it as a dragon who protects the soul core. An angry dragon protecting a fragile soul core is not an easy beast to wrangle.
[Some who wander are lost]: Sometimes it is good to know that you are never alone.
[There are no small roles]: In one way or another, every one of us matters.
This listing is a work in progress and will be updated as I find the energy. Assistance and suggestions welcome, as always.

For Marci:
When I realized I didn't know who I was
You asked to look into my eyes
I saw who I really was when I looked into yours
Then you looked away so quickly after staring so long
You said "Oh my god, drive" and I started the engine
We didn't look into each other's eyes again
But I saw who I was and I knew who you were
And you looked away too quickly after staring so long
Then one night you told me who you were
You told me it was too hard to look into my eyes
Something there you could not bear to see
Because you looked away so quickly after staring so long
And even though the light was always green ahead
You told me it was just because they were blue
Then you ran away after I tried to look into yours
I'm sorry you looked away so quickly after staring so long

They need to be forgiven
We need to forgive each other
We need to forgive ourselves
Come in out of the darkness, Bella Donna.
The tribe will be reunited at convergence
The waters of the river will be warm and inviting
Did you know how deep the river was?
"No, I never thought about how deep the water actually was."
Then how did you know you needed to stay on the raft?
"I was afraid."
There is more to a glass of water than the water and the glass.
Whether or not I am for real is not a question I can answer.
It is something you must decide for yourself.
I have the same problems with it that you do.

The energy is shifting
Something is happening
Convergence has begun

To learn
You must ignore my personal theology
Concentrate only on the message
Join in bands
A circle of understanding
Each circle will give way to intersecting circles
Give the message in your own words
Each to each their own
[Give everything you can to everyone you know]
Love without seeking a return on investment
Give the message
The theology is now and always has been irrelevant
The message has always been the same
The theology has been the conflict

Why would they give the message
And require it be understood with faith
While giving it to to most faithless man who ever lived
You figure it out

Your faith will always take the form of what you are willing to accept.
Changes in The Energy provide stimulation, motivation and inspiration. Often these events are mistaken as time for sorrow and anger. In my study, I have decided to examine the major points of energizing change I have experienced beginning after my return to this place on June 7, 1994.
• Almost complete physical paralysis that lasted six hours and for several days continued on a limited and temporary basis. Not knowing if my paralysis would be permanent, I had to reflect on what I had learned and seen in death. I decided that I wanted this life back even if I were to be paralyzed, and then decided to overcome the paralysis by willing myself to walk.
• Being accused of attempted rape and losing my best friend of 16 years in the process. I realize that I am separating from the life I abandoned when I chose suicide. I did not appreciate these people enough to continue living in a world with them. I was selfish and demanded that people conform to my standards or I would turn away from them and hate myself for doing so. It would be time for a new path and for new people I could give love to unselfishly.
• The face in the mirror. During my death experience I encountered a man sitting on a chair in the middle of an empty desert. He gives me wisdom, strength and direction as he convinced me to turn back and reclaim my life. He looks familiar, but I do not know why. I start absently letting my hair grow and stop shaving for a week. At that point I recognize the man in the desert, he is me, but with long hair, facial hair and he is much older, as his hair is gray in the desert. I begin to feel that he is my destiny, who I am to become, so I let my hair grow and start sporting a goatee.
• People begin to approach me and seem to be drawn to me. The most prominent are those who have also had death experiences or have attempted suicide. The most significant being a woman named Chris who wore long-sleeved shirts. She rolls her sleeves up on our first date, after mostly small talk, shows me the scars that remain from a wrist-slashing suicide attempt and says, "I know who you are." Another shows me how she has chosen the dark path, the easier path, and that I must choose it as well because the road of light can lead to insanity. I see vacancy in her eyes and decide I will never take that path.
• [Tina|A woman] appears to me repeatedly in dreams, insisting that I find her so she can show me the path. In order to prove this is just a weird dream, I travel to Florida. My first night in Orlando, she appears as our waitress. Until that point, my rational mind has continued to overpower all other voices, convincing me that all the events I have witnessed have rational explanations.
• The death of Malhoit. A former co-worker and mentor who I loved and deeply respected, had been diagnosed with terminal cancer before I left to move to Orlando. At his wedding, where he married his long time girlfriend, just before I moved I expressed regret over the prospect of not seeing him again. He smiles while riddled with morphine and tells me, "Don't worry, we'll see each other again." The night he died, I awoke from a dream, or dreamed I awoke in a dream and saw him at my bedside. "See, I told you we'd see each other again," he says and then laughs. I didn't receive the news of his death until the following day.
• Get out of the car. You can't go to the hospital. Declaring that everything I have witnessed and been told is in my imagination and that I refuse to listen any longer, I manage to get into a car accident that almost totals my Miata. A voice from my empty passenger seat tells me to get out of the car. There is a head-shaped break in the passenger window, which caused the firefighter who came to the scene first to ask, "Where is your passenger?" $10,000 damage to the car, bending the frame like a pretzel, and I walk out of the accident completely uninjured. I can't ignore this as a sign that turning away from the path I was shown is a mistake.
• If you build it, he will come. Unable to sort through the mystery of why I was supposed to find this woman, Tina, I hang out in the bar she works in, waiting for some kind of sign. Then I notice that construction of the building began on June 7, 1994 and it opened in July of the same year. Then Tina tells me she is from Worcester, Massachusetts, the same place I moved to Orlando from. The entire staff begins to embrace me when I come in and it is like I am part of some kind of family, all who seem to have no problem believing what I consider to be an insane tale of what brought me there.
• Some kind of Rapture? New Years Eve, 1998, I am standing on a balcony overlooking a dance floor at a club. I start having some kind of limited convulsions that aren't really obvious to the crowd around me. I had been hiding from large crowds since experiencing an overwhelming flood of emotions, brought on by powerful empathy, not long after my death experience. This time I am overwhelmed in another way and in a feeling I call a "soul orgasm" I realize I have unconditional love for all people.
• The Three Queens. The dreams that led me to Tina and Orlando also tell me of a pattern, the pattern that made me depressed and suicidal in the years leading up to my suicide. They tell me that Tina is the first of three queens who will demonstrate this pattern. It comes to be, in the same fashion that a card dealer demonstrates in the dreams. The first draws me in, this is what I truly seek and want, but it is too difficult, so I give up and settle for second best. Making that decision makes me miserable and self-destructive and I always need someone to bail me out in the end. It is demonstrated in my relationships with women, as most obviously shown through how I relate to the three queens that begin with Tina, all of whom are waitresses at the same bar. The pattern also follows in other areas of life, such as jobs, cars, etc. I decide to make a conscious effort to break the pattern.
• Another kind of death. Unable to get depressed as I once did about the endings of relationships, the pattern of the second queen takes a different road. Christina, the second queen that followed Tina, and I become involved in a emotionally and sexually charged relationship, which she breaks off a month later. Following this, my car breaks down twice, requiring expensive repairs I cannot afford, I lose my job and find myself broke after paying for the first repair of the car and my joblessness. I never panic, even as I am a month behind on my rent and two months behind on all other bills. The third queen, Tammy, who had been the greatest believer in my story and in me, calls to remind me that it is "okay" to ask other people for help. I convince my father to invest in my future, sign a contract with him and fulfill the contract within a year.
• Soul death. Although I never truly panicked in the usual ways during my months of struggling with complete financial ruin, I made a choice to cut my hair to a "normal business cut" because being without a car was enough of a problem in finding employment. For the next two years, I walk away from the path. The dreams stop, the messages stop coming. I get married, intending to settle down to a "nice little normal life." However, during this time I decide to grow my hair long again. Once it has grown out, the dreams, visions and messages begin coming again, although now much quieter and more subtle.
• The death of Wynder. Another wise, older friend dies from leukemia. We visit him in the hospital, where Tina unexpectly shows up as the attending nurse. She has since graduated nursing school and taken a job at the same hospital, on the same floor as my friend. We do not speak, but we see each other. On our last conversation, happening more than a year earlier, she asked me if I was happy and then told me that she now believes in God, because "otherwise I cannot accept or explain what is going on." I see memory of that conversation in her eyes. My friend passes on, and having been the mentor and teacher of my friend Mark, he seems to make continued contact with my friend Mark, which results in Mark believing in the signs and the messages I once spoke of that he thought were "just weird" previously.
• The death of the second queen. No one is really second best in the big picture. [There are no small roles]. People who cannot give each other what they need or be who that person needs as a primary life partner are meant to find someone else, but they do not need to be dismissed from your life. Christina and I were not meant to be a couple, but we played very important roles in each other's lives. When she died of cancer before the age of thirty, as she told me she would one night years before, the spirit I tried to suffocate and diminish returned. Appearing to me in a waking dream in the middle of a Catholic Church, Christina appeared more beautiful than she had ever been, running through a field of purple flowers laughing. Purple was her favorite. "I run with the angels now," she told me. Several weeks later I go back to the bar where I met Christina and her best friend is behind the bar. She pulls me aside to confide her own story, which includes having seen Christina the day of her funeral and that she told her, "Don't worry, I'm with the angels now."
• [A journey ended begins again]. Following the death of Christina and my vision of her, coupled with many strange communiques hammering at my re-awakened consciousness, I realize I must commit myself to the road I had abandoned when my life was in dire straits. I feel that to continue to ignore the messages and the path before me would be to disgrace Christina's memory. She quickens me.
• Faith and trust. After spending nearly nine years either trying to suffocate the "aftermath" of my death experience or sharing it with carefully screened individuals, I realize that unless I make the message freely available it will mean nothing. I commit myself to opening the floodgates on Everything2, revealing all that I can reveal in the time available. Expecting curiosity and mockery, I am instead greeted by dozens of people who want to talk to me about their own experiences. I begin to feel a sense of purpose.
• Removing the safety net. I managed to maintain the same job for four and a half years after my dance with near homelessness. In March, 2004, I am laid off from my job because the job site is closing down. Instead of panic and worry over possible scenarios, I interpret this as a sign that I am ready to continue the journey without a safety net.
These are the major events of my journey, the turning points and the crossroads. They are here for the record and will be updated as necessary.
Cancel my subscription to the [Anastasia|resurrection]
Send my credentials to [Rancho Nuevo|the house of detention]
I've got some [This collection of souls|friends inside]
The [I look in the mirror|face in the mirror] won't stop
[Kick up dust in the ruins of each other’s souls|The girl] in the window won't [apartness|drop]
[Convergence|A feast of friends]
[I believe|Alive she cried]
Waiting for me[The desert of his soul|outside]

--[Jim Morrison|When The Music's Over]
If you ever wondered how I really felt about Jesus, well I told another noder here this once in a moment of clarity: "All the messengers had to frame the message within acceptable theology. Jesus was just the best there ever was. They smothered him in theology and tried to make him an icon you could buy in gift shops. That fucker rocked."
My faith (remember that theology is irrelevant)
I believe against reason. My faith is made stronger by the conflict between belief and rational thought. I cannot be overwhelmed or consumed by it.
I believe in a place called Rancho Nuevo, either as another frame where souls inhabit or as an allegory for how this world, this frame, can save itself. I believe that this Rancho Nuevo hosted a war between two groups of angels, one who held the law above all things and one who believed in making known the truth that even God is held to. I believe salvation was offered to these angels, whose war cost them their wings and immortality, by the only angel who retained her wings. I believe this angel was named Anastasia and she was crucified on a hill over the town where her now mortal brethren were consigned to. I believe this angel lived eternally upon this cross until her soul was offered haven in a frame in need of her message. Again, I believe this story either as allegory or as another very real frame of existence. I walk between the interpretations.
I believe that the meaning of life is to [give everything you can to everyone you know]. I believe that I died on June 6, 1994 and returned to this place on June 7, 1994. I believe that in my journey through death I witnessed the truth fought over by the two angel groups in Rancho Nuevo, a "text" I have partially translated in [the blueprint of the soul]. I believe that the "text" cannot be translated until the translator can understand the meaning of the "words" because it is not written in words or any form of communication we are aware of in this frame. I believe that the translator becomes a messenger, and through my translations I have been told by the angel Anastasia that I am the messenger. I believe I carry a message that is similar to the core beliefs of most religions in this frame, but I do not believe that I am in any way special because I have seen this "text." I believe only my stupidity in killing myself, then turning around and coming back in death created this opportunity and that both were acts of cowardice, making me unworthy of any accolades.
I believe the soul is immortal and that it is by far our most essential component. It is what we take with us from one frame to another throughout our self-perpetuating existence. I believe we control our future destiny and that our soul's interpretation of what we deserve and desire in our next frame delivers us to our next destination. Those things that deeply wound us or deeply move us stay within the soul, both dark things and light things. A childhood rape, a moment of perfect bliss, the sight of seeing your buddy shot in combat, making love to the person you truly love above all others, these are the kinds of things that stay with and guide the soul forever.
I believe that everyone is right, a fundamental principle of my religion and my faith. As its brother, "give everything you can to everyone you know," this statement does not have a simple interpretation. In order for everyone to be right, we must be able to allow and accept them in what they believe. This does not qualify murder, rape and other crimes against another as accepted beliefs. It would only qualify if the victim truly desired the crime to be committed against their person, otherwise the beliefs of one are held against those of another, making it a violation of "everyone is right." If the right of one is violated by the actions of another, it cannot be taken. This becomes more complex as you study potential scenarios.
A believe that all things that exist are part of something I call [the source of all energy], or SOAE, because I am lazy. It isn't energy as we think of energy, but something beyond that that ties all things together. The nature of SOAE is impossible for us to consider, because you are considering the father of God. What you consider God may exist at the highest frame of existence possible, but He still must work within the limits of SOAE. So, in conclusion, I believe in that which is bigger than God. The truth of this was the cause of the angel war in Rancho Nuevo.
I believe that Jesus was a prophet carrying a similar message to the people of this frame, as were likely most of the other prophets and generators of religion. I am simply much better conversed with the history and story of Jesus than I am with any other prophet, so I refer to him out of laziness. I believe the most telling phrase of Jesus' message was when he referred to all people as children of God, which was what is meant when he is referred to as the son of God. For his deeds he probably deserves a capital letter when referencing "Son."
I accept Anastasia as my salvation. I believe she caught me when I died after my suicide and that it was Anastasia who convinced me to return here. Without her intervention I believe I would have been consigned to a frame of empty desert and great unhappiness. I believe that I follow a road she set for me, to lead me through lessons that would help me to interpret [the blueprint of the soul], because one cannot translate what they cannot understand. I accept my imperfections and therefore accept that I may make errors in my translations. I believe that by asking Anastasia if my translations are correct, she will give me a sign to show that they are.
I am a deeply spiritual person, but not in the sense one usually equates that. I find those who consider themselves as belonging to a faith out of casual convenience or sense of duty appalling. It is these types of [self-righteous] and judgmental people who have sullied words like "faith" and "religion." Those who falsely invoke the names of prophets or messengers will find nothing waiting for them in their passage to the next frame.
I believe everyone is right, which means I believe that if you believe in God and heaven and your soul finds you worthy, you will find yourself there after your body dies here. I also believe there are vikings in valhalla. Everyone is right, but what is true is only what one's soul truly believes. You can say you believe cats can fly, but it isn't so easy to convince your soul.
I believe many messengers have come before me, but that most were destroyed by outside interpretations or by their own weaknesses. Those who are too weak descend into the formation of cults to glorify themselves and destroy themselves in the process by using others for such a purpose. I believe most messengers today are afraid of psychiatric judgment and as such keep quiet. We live in a collective reality that prescribes medication to influence the beliefs and vision of a person to make them blend into the collective reality easier. Sanity is a measure of your ability to interact with other souls.
I do not believe my religion is the one true interpretation, I believe it is one of many interpretations, all of which are correct. I believe within the words I translate and interpret here you will find support for your own faith, support for your rational viewpoints, and reasons to believe in your own ability to determine your faith through the interpretations of your own soul.
I believe that if anyone's God or supreme entity was higher than that of someone else's, it would invalidate the truth. This is why most gods tend to be jealous and vengeful. They need the faith of souls to maintain their existence. I believe that souls need each other and dislike loneliness and that the higher a soul rises the more it needs interaction with the souls of others, but in different ways. I also believe that no one can worship or serve the source of all energy in the way they give themselves to the service of a god. All things naturally serve and are at the mercy of SOAE and SOAE does not comprehend worship or our meager attempts at communication with It.
I believe in the road, and that in traveling the road you will come upon experiences. These experiences shape the road ahead. Once we begin naturally giving that extra effort that costs us nothing and gives something to the person we are with, then we have learned to understand "give everything you can to everyone you know." Once you understand and accept within your soul, you will achieve [unconditional love] for all souls. You will understand what love truly is.
I believe that I have achieved the ability to read and understand the energy at times. This enables me to see slivers of the future in the present. I believe I can see the flow of the energy and that I can see the auras of individual souls. I also believe that when I connect with other souls, we absorb and share elements of our souls. I believe this has caused fundamentally different depth in my relationships with women than are normally experienced.
I believe that souls connect naturally based upon their needs, desires and what they can offer. Those souls which offer more and accept more from our souls are those we become closest to. A true love is the result of two souls meshing so completely that they give to each other those things they need the most.
I believe that I was guided to Orlando, Florida by Anastasia in order to learn about my own patterns in life. As a result I met three women in rapid succession who took on the form of my pattern. I fell in love with the first and desired her beyond all others, but it became too difficult to realize, so I settled for the second, which went wrong by design because one cannot accept second best and be happy. I then had to be bailed out of my own ruin by the third. Breaking this pattern has been a fundamental pursuit, so I evaluate my relationships with women within the pattern. My love for each of them demands that I learn from our mistakes.
I do not accept many of the conventions most accept as truth because they have so long been perpetuated by multiple collective realities. I do not believe in giving all my love to one person. I believe that limits my ability to have a positive impact on the lives of others I may be able to give something to. I do not believe in a definition of success that is measured by financial earnings or recognition and having your name in lights. I believe in a definition of success as having lived a life in which you give everything you can to everyone you know and recognize that they are as right as you are.
We were down at the river
Taking a much needed drink of water
We saw our own reflections
And we didn't know who we were at all
The sky grew dark
We danced along the edges
We could not drink at all
Thirsty as we became
Time kept moving
Legends in our own minds
unsawettable: "What you believe is lost can always be found again." The Muse is eternal.
There is one person who doubts me more than any other
That person is me.
"What if after eighteen years it isn't worth it?"

What if it is.
"You will be given more."
I was standing behind a tree in front of a stream. Trees and mountains filled the landscape with life. A deer came to the stream and drank, then wandered off.
"There is plenty."
I could hear the sound of horses hooves. I looked up to see The Muse walking with her horse towards the stream. The horse began drinking excitedly from the stream, tossing its head excitedly after each drink. Then The Muse crouched down and took a drink from it as well. She looked over at me and smiled. I did not move from where I stood. I watched her drink and said nothing.
Someone else approached from the other side of the stream. I knew her. She was tentative at first, but then crouched down directly across from The Muse, cupped her hands and took a drink from the stream. The stream became a river and the tree I was standing behind became an island in the middle of the river.
"What you have asked for has been understood."
I dived into the river. I opened my eyes under the water. I opened my eyes from sleep. I felt refreshed.
Years ago I met a vampire in a bookstore. She tried to convince me that I was a vampire as well. I didn't care for the connotations. I interpreted the data differently. She was one of my kind. She had taken a journey similar to mine. It led her to believe that she had to be what she had become and to keep trying for more would only frustrate her in the end. She said it would one day frustrate me as well.
"Do you know what we do? We get close to people so that we can learn what we can from them and take what they have to offer. They keep us alive. We feed on them. When we are done taking what we can from them they become useless annoyances. We discard them."
"Is that all there is to it? That would be pretty disappointing."
"You can either embrace the shadows or go crazy trying to walk in the light."
"Then I will go crazy."
Thank you, [Tina], for showing me the way.
Thank you, [A journey ended begins again|Christina], for proving there was an answer.
Thank you, [Tammy], for showing me that [you can do anything].
I never understood the three queens when you were there.
I understand you now.



Blog Archive