Sunday, July 11, 2004

dont know what to say

it's been a long day. i guess i ended a relationship today. tommorow i have to go change my credit information. i also have to register for shcool.

this morning i woke up dawggy and harmony. i was upset and scared and there was no one online i could trust and be open with. so i called their house. it was really hard but i knew sitting here alone i would cut myself bad. it took me several tries to get all the phone card numbers and their phone number in without hanging up. when i finally did dawggy answered. i could barely speak. but he understood. he came online and harmony did too. i didnt cut. at all. it was a long day. a difficult day. i looked at pictures online of self-injury and had trouble to stop looking but it actually helped. but what helped more than anything was how dawg and harmony just jumped right up and were there for me. they keep telling me how proud they are of me and what a big step i've taken. it is a big deal. i'm crying again damnit.
i sent an email that is what set me off, what was said in the email i sent. And i've ignored him since. well almost. finally after blocking him on aim he IM'd me on msn and i answered once, telling him it sounded like he was threatening me. i'm very upset and confused today. its so loud inside. and the need to cut is building inside of me again. i've made it all day without so much as a scratch.
i had a great conversation with tim about something completly unrelated to anything else i've spoken of but it was more vanessa than me. hell i'm lucky i even got to watch, it was all vanessa.
i've been crying most of the day. my nose is snotty. i tried making mac and cheese but it wans't good and i couldnt eat. and my teeth hurt. my back hurts my hands hurt. i dont feel well, both emotionally and physically its a shitty day.



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