Thursday, December 16, 2004

Screw the template

I'm depressed and barely functioning. I've decided to drop the class I wanted to take (abnormal psychology with Dr. Schaliky) because I have no dependable transportation. My car won't pass smog and is not repairable. Grandma said she'll help me get a car for my birthday but that's not until the end of the semester. I'll still have developmental psychology online and the health science class online. I'll probably go curl up in a ball now.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Current Music: none again

Current Mood: restless and tired

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: went to the psychiatrist

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m having trouble focusing on anything for long. I’m tired and restless. I cant sleep. I can’t focus. I went to the doc today. I start zyprexa again in the morning.

Current music: Mary did you know

Current mood: unsure how I feel

Last thoughts: whatever my mood is isn’t where I’d like to be.

Thursday, December 2, 2004

TItles are hard to come up with

Current Music: Darren Hayes – So Bad

Current Mood: Kinda high on pain pills

Interesting Node: The Christmas Shoes

Interesting non-e2 url: Bubblewrap!


Caption: This is from Don Mammen’s memorial service. I thought it was pretty so I scanned it.

Quote: “Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun.”
--Bishop Hall

Trivia: What 1978 Disney animated featurette is about the special journey of a donkey from Jerusalem to Bethlehem?

Joke: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas

1. Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your balls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: That talking about cutting, in any form, upsets Dawggy. I cannot stand to have him upset with me. Also, from working on school work we learned that Yoga gives a person agility and flexibility.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Was there for a friend at her father’s memorial service and after.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment: I don’t really feel like rambling right now. My eyes keep crossing. I went to Montclair Plaza with my mom and we ate in the food court then went out and found Borders and spent almost $200 on Kylee and Dillon. Then I took lortab.

Trivia answer: The Small One

Current music: John_Mayer_-_Come_Back_To_Bed_[live_on_leno_07.20.2004]

Current mood: Don’t know

Last thoughts: Lortab is my friend but my head still kinda hurts but I go to the doctor tomorrow.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Thanksgiving is over!

Current Music: Martina McBride – A Broken Wing

Current Mood: Numb

Interesting Node: A self-censored Scapegoat is a dead Scapegoat

Interesting non-e2 url: Truth in advertising


Quote: “You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving” –Amy Carmichael

Trivia: Geyser is derived from an Icelandic word for "hot springs."

Joke: I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Daniel likes my car.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Um, not much.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
Thanksgiving is over and I’m glad. I haven’t been able to accomplish much lately. My concentration is practically non-existent most of the time.

I had to put up with Mando yesterday cuz it was thanksgiving. I was glad when it was time to go home.

Current music: John Mayer – Come Back To Bed

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

"You can listen as well as you hear"

Current Music: Bonnie Raitt – I can’t make you love me

Current Mood: Depressed

Interesting Node: I opened a fortune cookie for you yesterday

Interesting non-e2 url: Mother of all Excuses


Quote: “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is
limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
--Albert Einstein

Trivia: In 1972, who ended a 22-year ban on U.S. travel to China?

Joke: The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
you'd be eating alone."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My therapist says I’m brave, and perhaps, according to his explanation, maybe, just maybe I am.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Started going to therapy.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment: *sigh* In the same week two of my friends lost their fathers. This disturbs me greatly. I wrote a node about my own father and how I’ll never tell him how I truly feel about him. Dawggy got to tell his father. I doubt Danielle did. Dawggy’s dad is now in his finally resting place, I think Danielle’s dad’s funeral is tomorrow. I have this obsessive repetitive thought that someone dear to me will leave this world soon. Deaths for some odd reason always seem to happen in threes. I don’t know if that’s just celebrities or common people as well but it seems to me that death always comes in three. Perhaps it has something to do with the Holy creature of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I don’t know. I’m just rambling.
I started therapy. There’s now a part time therapist at Citrus college I’ve seen last Friday and again on Monday and I go back and see him this Wednesday. His name is Abe and so far he’s a better therapist than ones I’ve had in the past, only time will tell if it’s truly helping. I’ve had to fight the tears both sessions. On Monday he talked about suicide, suicide as a creature preying on those who are hurting. He talked of the different way it manifests itself. I’d never thought about it the way he explained it, but in an odd way it made sense. He told me I should write an email or something to my sister telling her what he said and how I wouldn’t be able to deal with losing her. Just the thought of losing any of my siblings makes the tears flood to my eyes. Oh dear God please don’t take away the people I love any time soon.

Trivia answer: In 1972, the State Department ended a 22-year ban on U.S.
travel to China.

Current music: Joe Nichols – If nobody believed in you

Current mood:

Last thoughts: I’m tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of being achey. Tired of feeling so crappy. Tired of the sudden unexplained tears. Just tired.

Monday, November 8, 2004

Bedtime but blogging first

Current Music: Our Lady Peace - I'll be watching
you drown

Current Mood:           

Interesting Node:

Sad Little spiral-bound notebook diaries

Interesting non-e2 url:


Caption: My first car, washed and decorated as my 19th
birthday present.  They put a radio in it for me.

Quote: "Friendship improves happiness and abates
misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief"--Marcus
Tullius Cicero

Trivia: The electric eel's shocking power is so
great that it can overtake its victims while 15 feet away.



Attending a
wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then
said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Going IP
still sucks.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got on
an antidepressant (Lexapro) and had Zyprexa increased. 

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

It's my bedtime.   
but I'm a
and I wanted to finish one more write-up which I still haven't finished. 
It's morning now, which for me is the end of the day.  I
know I"m weird.  I was in-patient for three days starting on November 1st. 
I'm glad it is over with.  Now I need to get an appointment with that
stupid doctor at the La Puente clinic.  Hospitals are supposed to set up an
appointment before discharging patients but they don't. 

Current music: Prince - Seven

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Friday, October 29, 2004

"Smile," as sung by Michael Jackson

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...
La da da
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

La da da
la la la
la da da da da da
la la la la la

I'm trying very hard to smile but the tears just keep coming.

Saturday, October 9, 2004

Saturday night

Current Music: None, watching 48 Hours Mystery.

Current Mood:

Interesting Node: The crazy things we do to keep ourselves sane

Interesting non-e2 url:


Caption: The outfits say “Double Trouble” with a smiley that’s a boy and one that’s a girl. Under the girl on hers it says “Hannah” and under the boy on his it says “Daniel”

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real
miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense every-
thing that comes from love is miracle.
--Marianne Williamson

Trivia: In 1936, in the presidential race between Franklin D.
Roosevelt and Alf Landon, both parties used what for the
first time?

Joke: Q:How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?

A:He gave her a ring.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My two library teachers don’t think I should quit their classes.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Saw a psychiatrist and started Zyprexa.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

It’s Saturday night. I’m following a list. I have quit going to school, but will start an online Health Science course soon. I’m watching Mad TV. I’m depressed. I’m tired. I got the munchies. I have eaten 1,240 calories since midnight. I suppose I could eat 60 more calories which will make it 1,300. Then perhaps have 1,200 tomorrow, and 1,100 the next day, and then 1,000 each day after that. That should help me get into my jeans that are all too tight. This is hard because the Zyprexa I started today makes me tired and hungry. The mental health clinic dashed my hopes of being helped. I’m not going to kill myself or anything, I’m just feeling blah.

Trivia Answer: In 1936, in the presidential race between Franklin D.Roosevelt and Alf Landon, both parties used radio for the
first time.
Current music: Watching Mad TV.

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Blogging cuz harmony said to

Current Music: None, flipping channels on the tv

Current Mood: urgy and tearful

Interesting Node:
Pierre-Paul Prud'hon

Interesting non-e2 url:
Damn Addicting games


Caption: It’s been a difficult week.

Quote: "Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and
you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 p.m."
--Ronald Reagan

Trivia: Giants baseball catcher Roger Bresnahan introduced shin
guards in 1907.

Joke: A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her
fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to
take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her
fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed
nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I
bite them instead."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: The MARC tag for main entry is 100.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got to class.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m blogging cuz Harmony told me too. Not doing very good. She’s really not either. Tried getting appointment at clinic. No luck. Lost paper I have to fill out and send to SSI. Room is a disaster area. Homework piles so high. Depressed. Almost suicidal, but not a danger to self.

Current music: none. Watching dateline or something.

Current mood: Bad thoughts

Last thoughts: Why do I bother?

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Areas of my bedroom (to help me clean and such).

1. Door
2. floor in front of door
3. very top shelf
4. top book shelf
5. second book shelf
6. stereo shelf
7. second to bottom shelf
8. bottom shelf
9. floor in front of shelves
10. on top of TV /top of TV cabinet
11. TV cabinet shelf
12. TV cabinet cabinet
13. floor in front of TV cabinet
14. floor between TV cabinet and hamper
15. hamper
16. computer stuff box
17. corner area of floor
18. floor between computer box and dresser
19. floor between dresser and bed
20. top of dresser
21. drawer 1
22. drawer 2
23. drawer 3
24. drawer 4
25. drawer 5
26. drawer 6
27. drawer 7
28. drawer 8
29. drawer 9
30. floor between dresser and corner wall
31. top of headboard
32. upper shelf of headboard by dresser
33. lower shelf of headboard by dresser
34. middle of headboard
35. upper shelf of headboard by window
36. lower shelf of headboard by window
37. bed
38. under the bed
39. lamp table
40. floor under window
41. corner TV tray table
42. top of night stand
43. night stand drawer 1
44. night stand drawer 2
45. night stand drawer 3
46. Floor between bed and night stand
47. floor in front of closet
48. closet floor
49. closet
50. Fan and missed spots.

Drawers are done top to bottom then next column top to bottom and so on. List made clockwise through room (mostly) starting at door and ending next to the door. By seperating it into really small areas cleaning isn't so overwhelming.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Current Music: Prince - Soft And Wet

Current Mood: Tired

Interesting Node: Borderline Personality

Interesting non-e2 url:


Caption: The twins first day home from the hospital, thirteen months ago.

Quote: At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back
over it from our deathbed and know somehow the world is a
better place because we lived, we loved, we were other-
centered, other-focused.
--Joe Erhmann, Football coach

Trivia: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near what city?

Joke: A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."
The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie. A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said. Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle." "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle. On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win." "OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round. As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: In MARC records the code for physical description is 300.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Rescheduled CT scan for next Tuesday.

Current Music: Train - Meet Virginia

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I don’t really have many words for now, I think. I’m frustrated with homework. I feel overwhelmed with school and with life. So many things just make me want to cry. I took a Lortab a while ago, because my back hurt so much it became hard to even breathe. I could not get comfortable laying down and I need to be doing homework but sitting upright was very difficult. The pill is helping the physical pain. I’m depressed though.

Current music: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing

Current mood:

Trivia answer: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near the city of Quebec.

Last thoughts: I don’t know if medication can even really help me. Perhaps the doctors who said I was “too sick” were right. Maybe there is no hope for me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Time to use the template thingy! um yeah.

Current Music: Sugar Ray - Anyone

Current Mood: Hyper as heck. Bouncing.

Interesting Node: Asperger's syndrome (idea) This is just one write-up in the node, if you want to read the rest click on "(all of Asperger's syndrome, there are 7 more in this node)" or here

Interesting non-e2 url: Darren Hayes Music Video for "I Miss You"


Caption: A girl named Kylie` who is a friend from #manicdepression made this for me today to cheer me up. She's cool. Kylie lives in Australia with her one year old daughter Ella.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:
How to register my own chatroom on mIRC, and how to make it auto-op me. I also learned (from Dawggy then looked it up for more information) that that thing I do and have seen Daniel as well as other children do where our arms wave and our body tenses up is a often a symptom of autism and asperger's syndrome called "Stimming".

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:
Not much. Been very depressed all day until a little bit ago when I suddenly got very hyper. But I have had a few minor accomplishments:
  • Registered a room.
  • Made it auto-join and auto-op me.
  • Cleaned out clothes hamper, but can't do laundry til tommorow because grandma doesn't like me doing it at night.
  • Gotten about two paragraphs written for a node
  • Gotten thorugh about two paragraphs of public services notes.
  • Helped my sister Kylee with an algebra problem...

    A2 - B2

    When A=7, B=5, and V=5

  • Made Kool-aid
  • Made blog post template

Current Music: Def Leppard - Long, Long Way To Go

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I was supposed to go to the hospital for a CT scan at 7:30 of what is now yesterday morning. I didn't make it and when I woke up at 9am after nodding off while resting my burning eyes at about 5:30am and realized I'd screwed yet another major thing up it sent me even deeper into an already deep depression. I turned the computer off and pushed everything onto the floor that was still on the bed after rather carelessly placing the computer table on the floor. I just layed here all day, sleeping on and off, crying at times, catatonically staring at the walls, the ceiling fan, the shelves, Princess (the Angel doll that Harmony and Dawggy gave me), the floor, the door, or whatever else I could see. My head was full of thoughts that if revealed would likely get me evaluated for a 5150. The inside people were quite noisy. Eventually the stares from Princess' huge blue eyes made me think to call those that gave her to me. I saw the yellow spiral journal notebook that their phone number (and the phone card number) were in. All I had to do was reach down, it was on the floor just next to the bed. So was the phone. I tried calling once, but there was no answer. Later I tried again. They were just walking in the door. They had to bring the groceries in and asked if she could call me back. I apologized for calling, not sure what I really even called to say. She said she would call me back in a few minutes. That was enough to give me the motivation to get up out of bed and finally go to pee. I hadn't even done that since some time the previous night and it was now five or six in the evening. I then came back into my room and curled up in a ball again and cried. She called and I cried and cried but she managed not only to get me to calm down and stop crying but to actually get me to laugh some. Eventually a friend of theirs showed up and she hung up but we later talked on IRC and even Dawggy was on the computer today. He's been ill, mostly from med changes, and hasn't even been on the computer much at all recently.
I ended up cutting some which really helped me get out of the funk enough to at least sit up and try to do anything. Later Dawggy played a sort of a game with me to get me to do something, anything. It was a "you accomplish something, I will" type thing. It was really helpful. They both are very caring and very funny and love me very much and help me more than anyone.
I talked to Marcie and Harmony together on AIM. That was nice. I ate a cheese canneloni lean cuisine tv dinner.
Now everyone has gone to sleep, except me of course, and I'm pretty sure I'll be up for hours. I'm thinking of making some tea. I know I shouldn't have caffiene but whatever.

Current music: GroupX - Mario Twins

Current mood: Spazzy

Last thoughts: Um, Not really. I think I might add a few things to the template. Perhaps a Quote section and a Things to do section. Also, I might add some HTML to make each section title in bold or something. We'll see.

A template thingy!

I got like suddenly manic after being super super depressed and made a template I'll try to remember to use when I blog. Feel free to use it or whatever...

Current Music:

Current Mood:

Interesting Node:

Interesting non-e2 url:



Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

Current music:

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Thursday, September 9, 2004

Darren Hayes - Where You Want To Be

Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Life's rearranging
Full of could've dones
Would've beens
It's all your fault
And where have you been
And how time goes
And now I dont even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love you erased in my life

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grew apart

While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?

Am I where I want to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
Am I where I want to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold

I'd settle for somebody to hold now

You know that I've been up and I've been down
I've been picked up and spun around
I'd do it all again
If I could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold me now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again

I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I have to get through this textbook chapter. I have to get A's in my two classes. I also have to do everything grandma and mom and everyone else want too. I can't please everyone. All I really want is someone to hold me and just let me cry onto their shoulder wheile they rub my achy back. I just want someone to hold me. I think I need someone to love me. I have Harmony and Dawggy to love me from a distance, but sometimes I just need someone to actually hold me in their arms.

Wednesday, September 1, 2004


We have decided to hide the "insanity" by acting only as "Jennelle" no matter who is in control we must answer only to Jennelle and act only as is expected of Jennelle, a 23 year old college student. When this is not possible we will go where no one can observe in any way until we are able once again to act or be Jennelle.
Depression, anxiety, any disturbance must be hidden. From now on we are "fine".
From this point on we are Jennelle and "I'm okay."

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Been a while...stuff to do

I haven't blogged in some time now. Been feeling really icky. Both physically and mentally.

Stuff to do:

  • Organize LT 101 papers. (Public Services)
  • Organize LT 201 papers. (Cataloging)
  • Cataloging book work.
  • Cataloging lab work.
  • Bag of Bones Writeup
  • actor-observer effect
  • Flexeril
  • Dave Petzer book w/up
  • Floor
  • Bed
  • Tommorow: Fax paper
  • Tommorow: LT 101 class 7pm
  • Tommorow or monday: Go to Charter Oak, with observation papers
  • Contact medical doctor about tests
  • Try calling case manager again
  • Give away gmail invites
  • Check yahoo accounts
  • Leave feedback on ebay
  • Vote on e2
  • Go through e2 msgs
  • Finish node audit on [face]
  • Use other e2 votes
  • Read statistics book
  • Dresser
  • Drawers

Okay now I gotta go actually try to do some of this stuff...

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Long sucky day

Mom and grandma sure are experts are making me feel like shit.

I bought my textbooks today. I also tried to get into a regular doctor but they don't take Medi-Cal patients unless "they come here for long, long time now" as the lady who worked there and spoke little understandable English said. Frustrating.

My textbooks were three hundred and twenty something dollars but EOPS covered $300. It was a long pain in the butt trip to the school today. Lots of back and forth. Lots of lines. Lots of staff don'tknow what the hell their doing. Whatever.

Mom, Mando, Kylee, Dillon, and the twins had family photos done today. Mom made sure to call and tell me she's glad I wasn't included in them. Thanks mom. I've been unable to keep from crying since. They make a point NOT to include me as part of anything "family" then make a point to call and tell me they excluded me. I don't have a family. No one wants me.

Harmony and Dawggy call me their little sister but thats much easier to do from the other side of the country. If they had to deal with me f2f they'd not want me either.

I'm so sick of crying...

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

It's not one of the best nights. It's 5:23am. I finally just ate 2 tortillas and some cheese I zapped in the microwave. I haven't made any real progress on my room or accomplished anything else either. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm scared. I'm depressed. I'm lost. I can't help but think death would be easier.

bad bad bad bad bad

Grandma came in early crying and said she wanted to die. I didn't know what to do so I called mom. Mom came over and they spent hours going on and on how it's all my fault. I need so bad to cut and bleed. I'm trying not to. Harmony and Dawggy are helping me follow a list. I don't even want to live. I need away from my family and this house. I need a fresh start with no one telling me everyday how bad I am.

Monday, August 9, 2004

It's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't been following a list and I haven't been doing very well. The twins 1st birthday and party came and went now. Exhausting. Glad it's over. I'll try to get back to writing here on a regular basis again.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Manic but up and down

Current song:  Prince and the Revolution - Darling Nikki
Current Mood:  Zoooooooooooming

This sucks.  I haven't accomplished anything at all.  E2 is down AGAIN/STILL!  It's pissing me off.  My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I can't seem to focus on anything at all.  At one point today I was trying to do so many things at once and help several people with proofreading and such that I became very overwhelmed and had to get away from the computer completely.  fortunately I was home alone and I was able to ask Harmony to call me on the phone.  I knew if I walked away from the computer I would be alone and I was urging to SI bad. It's hard for me to ask for stuff like that.  I know they don't mind but it's hard for me to ask for anything.  I think it's because how asking for anything has always resulted when it comes to my biological family.  Damnit.

Current Mood:  Tearful
Current Music:  Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I can't seem to focus on ANYTHING.  Not for long.  I haven't accomplished anything in far too long.  I spent all day trying to be productive and trying real hard not to SI.  Those never-ending phone calls with mom and grandma make it so hard.  The belittle me.  I think they enjoy making me feel like shit.  I gave in tonight.  I was already in tears because my computer was being very strange and switching windows and I thought someone was hacking it or something.  Dawggy said turn on vnc and he'll look.  So I did and he was working on it when the phone rang yet again.  MOM.  Which of course almost always ends up being mom AND grandma both having a go at me.  So I stifled my sobs because me crying just gives them fuel.  I just couldn't take anymore though.  I was just too overwhelmed with them, the inside people, the mood swings, the computer freaking out on me, my lack of productivity, e2 not working, and just everything.  I silently found a tool and began slicing my skin.  I said to myselves no more than five small ones.  But they kept on worse.  Just 5 more.  Then 5 more.  And then 5 more.  I think there are 30 total.  All small.  Barely more than scratches. 
I only bothered with bandaids because my pants are gray and the blood would be noticeable. 

Current Music:  matchbox20 - Mercy, Mercy Me (live)
Current Mood:  disgusted with self

I am not sure what to do now.  I feel so lost.  So drained, yet racing.  How do I face the future.  How do I face next year, next month, next week, tommorrow, the rest of the night, the rest of this hour, the rest of this song, the rest of this very minute?  I don't know.  I must carry on dancing though.   

Mood:  Unsure
Fades away to the tune of John Mayer - Why Georgia (Live with "I'm Portable" intro)

Sunday, July 25, 2004

WHY is it bad?????


"Cutting is bad"   "Don't cut yourself!" 


You tell me it's bad.  You say it's unhealthy.  That's the closest to an expliantion I've ever gotten.  Not good enough.  WHY is it bad?  I just don't understand. 
Maybe if I really understood why it's so "Bad" it'd be easier not to do it.  IT HELPS!  WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?!  It relieves the pressure that builds up inside.  It makes it easier to be in control.  It slows us down when nothing else does.  It makes us alive when we're just barely existing so WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is it BAD?! 


Saturday, July 24, 2004

Just how antisocial are you?

Loser Psycho Icon

A Loser Psycho

Umm...get away, ew!

antisocial are you?

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

And then she cried...

I spent most of the day in fitful bouts of sleep. When I was awake I was hot and in a terrible mood. I finally logged back on tonight, and found an email from Harmony. They had gotten on a computer at the hotel but I was too busy having a tantrum so I wasn't logged on. I had a message from Dawggy on e2 as well as an ICQ page. I wasn't going to call them at the hotel but all three messages said they would be up late and it was okay to call so I did. I didn't let them know how upset I really was, I think I hid it well. They both talked to me and when she realized I hadn't eaten she told me to go make something and she'd stay on the phone while I fixed it and ate it so that I didn't have to think about eating it. I told her I'd just eat tommorow but she said to eat now that she could stay up and talk to me that much longer. So I made bagel pizza bites. I ate them. The conversation was a nice one, as it always is with them. I got to talk to both of them. They said they'll be home tommorow evening around six pm or so I think that's six pm there time which is four pm my time. I'll be glad when they are. They seem to be having a fun trip and I've very glad. They're both obsessed with e2 now which makes me laugh. Every bit of information they come across is "That could be a write up!" I'm like that too. Speaking of writeups...I'm determined to get one done by the time they get back tommorow. I have 264 now and that bugs me. Have to have 5's and 0's. So one more must be completed ASAP. Harmony has the goal of reaching level 2 by her birthday. This means writing two a day but I know she can do anything she puts her mind too.
I'm working on several writeups and am not sure which one I'm going to really get focused on and finish tonight. Maybe I can do six instead of just one since I slept like all day I prolly won't need another nap til it gets super hot again. I've been having a really hard time focusing and remembering what I am doing. I have dozens of things I want to do but no focus and no patience. I took ibeprofin while on the phone with Harmony. While I was eating. Which was not long before writing this.

Current Music: Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)
Current Mood: Lonely


Sugar Ray - 10 Seconds Down

Prince - 1999

Goo Goo Dolls - 22 Seconds
E2 search

Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)

John Mayer - 3x5

Tori Amos - A Case Of You
Spent several songs in the other room. Put my empty glass of Minute Maid fruit punch into the refriderator and tried to help grandma keep the dog in the sink long enough to give him a cool bath. When I woke up this afternoon after several hours of fitful sleep I was drenched in sweat and all I had been wearing was a little nighty that is so old and worn out that it is practically transparent and a pair of panties. I had had both the ceiling fan and the window fan on high the entire time. As soon as I was awake I turned the computer on and went and got some cold fruit punch while my computer booted up. Then I took my pants off and started writing. I have 264 write-ups. By the time Harmony and Dawggy return tommorow afternoon I want to have 265.

The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night

It's 6:55pm. I have 1C! and 39 votes left today. I am working on several write-ups. I feel lonely, but have not turned on any instant messangers or irc. I simply get too annoyed with people. I am trying to stay focused on writing, with a little bit of straightening my room thrown in. I am trying to ignore the sweat and the oven like temperatures.

Nirvana - About a Girl

Sugar Ray - Abracadabra
E2 vote

The Union Underground - Across The Nation (RAW)

Blink 182 - Adam`s Song

Simple Plan - Addicted
I'm going to post this to blog now and then continue to attempt to focus on writing and ignoring the heat.
I'm feeling scared and depressed and alone. Zack is online and I tried talking to him but he's just making me feel worse. He's not purposely doing this, he just doesn't know what to say so he laughs. "that happens when your insane" This doesn't help me feel any better.

Monday, July 19, 2004

~Trigger For Ideation~

9. Jay Leno Book
Soul Asylum - Runaway Train

10. Family
Martina Mcbride - How Far

11. Psych nodes
Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back (Almighty Club Class Radio Edit)

12. Shelves
A Perfect Circle - The Outsider

13 Gmail
Nickelback - Someday

14. poetry book
Tori Amos - Yes, Anastasia

15. PS2
Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Want to Be

16. Theatre Nodes
Counting Crows - Round Here

17. Boxes
Metallica - Tuesday's Gone

18. DayPlanner Thingy
Dido - My Lover's Gone

19. Student Bible
Counting Crows - The Ghost in You

20. Magazines
Noemi - When Angels Kiss

21. /msgs
Red Hot Chilly Peppers - Give it away

1. E2 Vote/search
Goo Goo Dolls - Don't Fear the Reaper

2. Floor
Goo Goo Dolls - Jenny 867-5309 (Acoustic)

3. Music
Everclear - Santa Monica

4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
Everclear - Rock Star

5. Me

Peace is Coming

Peace Is Coming
Rest assured
that peace is at hand.
The time is coming
when all of your
self-built walls
and guarded halls
will wither to dust.
The free-flowing love
of your spirit within
soon will be released
to love
and, as it has been you
desire from birth,
to find a spirit
who will not chain you
or claim you
as a possession,
who will not crush
your inner being
as a flower is crushed
by an unfaithful hand.
Rest assured
that the time is coming
for you simply
to share,
to grow,
to learn,
to love.
-L. Dale Cox

using music

I am attempting to use music to keep me on track. Sticking to a number until the song is over then moving on. It helps.
Martina McBride - Independance Day
1. Everything2 vote/search
Goo Goo Dolls - Tucked Away
2. Floor
Jessica Simpson - Angels
3. music
John Anderson - Straight Tequila Night
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
Nickleback - Leader Of Men
5. Me
Jack Johnson - Who Knows
6. lyrical nodes
Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back (Almighty Transensual Mix)
7. bed
Tori Amos - Finn (Intro)
8. Blog


Current Music:  Josh Kelley - Amazing (acoustic)
Current Mood:    ~unsure~
Today was one of those days...the days I don't remember.  The days I am not Jennelle.  Those days when I am never sure what is real and what is dreams.  I feel unsure of everything.  I feel anxious and confused.  I am trying to follow a list and having Dawggy and Harmony to talk to on irc helps a lot but I know they'll be going to bed soon.  It's 2:17am according to the corner of the screen.  That makes it 4:17am for them.  They will need to sleep soon.  I'll be alone.  I don't want to be alone but I don't want to talk to anyone else either.  Everything and everyone annoys me, but for some reason Harmony and Dawggy don't. 

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Now I'm wet and tired. Standing so long and having my hands up to wash my hair takes a lot out of me, so does the anxiety. The sun is coming up.
6. E2 lyrical nodes
Break me shake me.
7. Bed
I willl try to get the small stack of old magazines that is on the bed into that cabinet under the tv.
8. Blog
We've gotten full circle again. Dawggy just woke up. He's not feeling well. I wish I could do something for him. He does so much for me every day. I sent him an e-card. But I wish I could actually do something to help.
9. Jay Leno Book
10. Family
I found Harmony a birthday card, I'm gonna sign it and get it ready to be mailed.
11. Psych nodes
Start on "Componential intelligence"
12. Shelves
13. Gmail
14. Poetry book
When You Need Some Helpto Get Through the Day...
When nothing is going right.
When you're wondering, "What did I do to deserve this?"
When the day is a disaster,
and a little serenity is just what you're after.
When you need a whole lot less to concern you,
and a whole lot more to smile about.
When a few peaceful hours would seem like a vacation to you,
and you're wondering if there's anything you've got to look forward to...
Sometimes you just have to remember:
It really is going to be okay.
You're going to make it through this day.
Even if it's one step at a time.
Sometimes you just have to be patient and brave and strong.
If you don't know how, just make it up as you go along.
And hold on to your hope as though it were a path to follow or a song you love to sing.
Because if you have hope, you have everything.
-Collin McCarty
15. PS2
16. Theatre Nodes
I don't think I can actually do a good writeup on Winch. I possibly could do "wig"
17. Boxes
18. Dayplanner thingy
19. Student bible
Now 20 should be an "other" so we'll say magazinesI'm gonna try to sleep a bit now. Getting more and more mixed up. Difficult to focus.
I'm going to try to follow the list. I'm not really sure how I just spent the last couple hours.
14. Poetry book
I found a book that Ann gave me long ago. It's called Take Each Day ONE STEP AT A TIME: Poems to Inspire and Encourage the Jouney to Recovery. I have posted a couple of the poems into this blog recently. The lortab is wearing off. The pain is getting bad again. :'(
15. PS2
I have Simpson's Hit and Run game here right now that Dillon loaned me. I'll go try one "mission" once. I'm not very good at video games.
16. Theatre Nodes
Much like the Psych nodes, I use the index of my old theatre text books. I recently finished Wireless Microphone, now I gotta find a new one. WinchNow I have the hiccups that hurt again. grrrr.
17. Boxes.
I have a couple of boxes in here. At least one of which is just random crap that needs to be gone through. I'm gonna go see if I can find a place for at least one item from that box.
18. DayPlanner thingy
I installed a dayplanner program on my computer but I need to set it up and to add all the holidays, classes and such to it. That's the last thing that is on the list, so now I need to add "Read" which I already said would be Student Bible.
So now back to one.
1. E2 Vote/Search
I upvoted and C!'d [contact juggling] by parkan. I am now going to read the third writeup they have. Then I'll have read all that this person has posted so far. I wish I could stop hiccuping!
2. Floor
My purse dumped so I'll put that back together and pile my books a bit better for now. Damn hiccups
3. MusicLet's see if I can get all the times and sizes in for all the songs that start with B.
4. The Iluminatus Trilogy.
5. Me
I need to go get my shower done. I'm going to hit send now so in case my computer goes stupid while I'm away this will have been posted.
Now on with the list.....
9. Jay Leno Book
A while back, several months ago, I found "Leading with My Chin" which is Jay Leno's autobiography sitting on the discard shelf at my local library. I snatched it up so fast. He's a very funny man. It sat in my car for months until grandma came across it and brought it in. I recently started reading it, and am enjoying it. I have been taking notes on the book, and when I finish the book I will probably turn these notes into a node about Jay Leno. I've just barely got to the second chapter, because I read only a little at a time, just enough to get one or two things to add to my notes. So it will be quite some time before I finish this book.
10. Family
This was put on the list in order to get things like making the invite for my sibling's first birthday part finished and such, though my mom decided after asking me to design it to do it herself. I have come to think of Harmony, Dawggy, and even their son as family now too though. They are not biologically related to me in anyway, are not even related by mariage, but Dawggy is my very protective big brother, and Harmony my big sister. They love me very much and have made me as much a part of their lives as possible for someone who is so far away. Harmony's birthday is coming up soon. I bought her a keyboard on ebay and hope to hear her play it for me over the phone soon. I have yet to send her a birthday card though, I need to go look and see if I still have one that I think I have....if not I need to write myself a note and go get her one, or make her one...but my printer is not working correctly.
11. Psych nodes
I finished contact comfort recently. I have yet to find another one to do. I have been going through the index of last semester's Psychology book and when I find something interesting I search e2 to see what's already written on the topic. If I have information that isn't on there I use my two psychology textbooks and often do a google search or use the resources that the college subscribes to. Currently I am going through the index, in between talking chatting. My chest hurts. I am not in a very good mood and would honestly rather him just go away for right now, but he is a friend and he seems to need someone to talk to right now. I really think I took two Lortab's instead of just one cuz I'm reaaally feeling it. hehehe. What was I saying oh damn he just typed a whole paragraph....Oh's funny when I search terms on e2 to see if it would be a good thing to write and as I read what's there I realize not only have I seen it before but I was the one who wrote the writeup! lol.I'm working so hard to be in a decent mood, to not let the inside people get to me, to not let the world get to me. Everything is getting on my nerves right now....I think I have found a node to do. I cannot find anytthing on e2 about it. And there are two pages of it in this psych book. "Contextual intelligence". grrr the damn blinking of the mIRC window is annoying me...He isn't doing anything wrong, I'm just in one of those moods where everything annoys me, but I've got enough hydrocodone in my system that I'm not in much pain so I should be in a pretty good mood. And I had a long nap this afternoon so I shouldn't be sleepy. What was I doing?
*scrolls up again*
12. ShelvesI have a book shelf, with 6 shelves including the very top. Most of it is just piled with random stuff I need to go through. They are a total mess with the lower two selves toppeling things to the floor becuase things are just thrown onto them. the very top shelf has a barbie car for some reason. Grandma put it there. There are a couple other things up there too. I went through one of the piles of books and found The Student Bible and put it on the floor so that next time I had a "read" item to the list I will put it on there. It has been a long time since I have read any of the bible. I have been following a reading plan that is outlined in this bible for a long time but havn'et been keeping up with it.Grrrr the blinking is pissing me off. I just don't feel like talking to anyone, but I can't bring myself to say leave me alone. *sigh* I'm just being a bitch, but I'm not letting him know it because he's a friend and I dont want to upset him.
*scrolls up yet again to see where I was*
13. Gmail
I get a lot of junk mail and surveys and stuff, so much so I now have another email account for them. grrrr why is that flashing bothering me so much?! I so want to just shut the damn thing off or let David win and tell him to STFU and then go cut. I keep thinking about what was said to Dawggy earlier. David. It makes me cry thinking about how mean David was to a person I love. NO ONE HURTS MY FAMILY! It hurts so much to know that I (in some sense of the word) was the one that hurt him. really hard to focus nowgrrrr and granamd ais up need to focus need to not cut to do it too
I'm posting through my instant messanger, gaim. Dawggy wasn't feeling well, went to bed before he even doing all his sweeps. That's really odd for him. Hope he's okay. He was upset because of some idiots on e2 are giving him hell because he is a newbie. I think they're jealous. Dawg's w/ups are really good, much better than most Level 1's writeups.
Today was not a very good day. Went to the dentist. Don't want to even talk about how bad getting the impression for my bridge was. I had to be held down. Was in total panic. Was an observer, not the controller of my actions. When I finally got home I had missed Harmony and Dawggy by only like five or ten minutes. They had gone to their cousins house. They had both written new writeups before leaving. Both of which were very good. It wasn't quite 4pm yet, so I didn't have votes. I talked to tim a bit, and read one or two other nodes while I waited for 4pm my time, which is when server time resets to a new day and I get 45 votes and 1 C! At that point I upvoted both of their nodes and one or two others I had marked down that I had read while waiting to vote on theirs. Then I took a long nap. My anxiety level was incredibly high today all day and I haven't been feeling well. I managed to get some sleep but my entire body was tense. My thumb, which I found in my mouth when I woke up had pretty deep teeth marks. I got on the computer about an hour before Dawg and Harmony said they'd be home and was IM'd by Kandi, who I've known online for several years. We met on the Darren Hayes BBS long ago. His new video is out and she gave me the URL to download it. It is HILARIOUS! I've watched it a couple dozen times already lol. It's for the song POPular. Grandma was in the kitchen earlier when I went to get something to drink and take some pain pills so I asked her for a Lortab. I may have taken two by accident because I got one out and we were talking and warming up some spagetti, I had thought I had swallowed one but I may have just sat it on the counter then she handed me one. If it was only one, it's working, it may have been two because I'm feeling it pretty good. My nose itches.
I'm going to try to follow the list now, OrangeRoot1000 just came into #manicdepression. I'm going to try to talk to him a bit while I follow the list....
E2/Not Computer/Computer/read/other
1. E2 vote/search
I just read [Birds of Prey] by a newbie named [postscribe]. I upvoted it, it's a good writeup. No errors or anything. Factual. I also sent a short blab. "Nice job on this :) ++" because I know that I like to get /msgs like that. I try to send as many msgs as I can each day. I usually point out any typos that I find, and try to tell people, especially newbies, what they are doing right, but I also point out, as gently as I can, what they are doing incorrect.

Now we'll move on to two.
2. Floor
Well my bowl that had Spagetti in it is sitting next to me on the floor. So is the empty glass that had fruit punch in it, and the thing of Parmesan cheese. I'm going to go wash the bowl, get more juice, punch or soda, and put the cheese away. Then I will return to do number three....

Mkay...I washed the stupid bowl and grabbed that last can of Rasberry Creme soda before someone else drinks it. I was already in a pretty crappy mood but having grandma yell at me for "bawling her out" didn't help. I didn't bawl her out. She yelled "Are you fixing food?!" "No I ate earlier I"m washing the bowl like you said to" grrrrrr. She g ets me flustered. Off track, confused, frustrated. *scrolls up to see what I was supposed to do now*

I'm making a spread sheet of all the mp3's I currently have on my computer. iTunes does most of the work for me, but I don't care much for the way that the times and sizes show up and there is some information I do not care about so I am fixing that a little at a time.
They are in alphabetical order. All the ones that start with numbers and A's are now fixed. I currently have 710 songs on my playlist, but it seems to grow just about every day.

4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
This is a book that is more than 800 pages. (It's three books all republished into one large book.) Ack I have the hiccups now....
Anyway..I'm on page 104. And am only going to read about two pages right now. My concentration level isn't high enough to read much more.....

5. Me
I need a shower, but do not want to get in the shower. My anxiety is sky high and we have had many panics in the shower, the water get to me. Feel as if we will drown. For now I will get my things together. My favorite pajama pants, and old PE shirt, some panties, and I need to find a CD to listen to. I'm pretty sure Matchbox 20's first album is still in the cd player in the shower but it's been in there for quite a while and I think it's time to switch it. I think I will take the cd I burned of songs that are tributes for 9/11 and columbine and whatever else happened to come up while searching "tribute" Lots of pretty songs. I'm not sure it works though, but if it doesn't I'll ever listen to the radio or to the Matchbox Twenty cd that is in there now. I have placed this small pajamas and the cd, on the corner of the bed until I get back to "ME" on the list again.

6. Lyrical nodes.
The "Lyrical" node I am working on currently is the song "Break me Shake me" off of Savage Garden's first album. It is a very angry song. I may never actually post it on e2. If I don't I may work up the nerve to post it here. I had my heart broken recently, and I never truly appreciated this song until now because of this. The song is about mind games. It is a very personal write up for me, and will not do very well on e2 but I may post it anyway. I recently did a write-up on "Runaway Train" and it hasn't done too well Rep-wise either and at least one person has asked if I was okay after reading it. My intention was not to make people worry I simply wrote it, with many of my own intense emotions filling it, but in hopes that maybe someday someone will read it and not feel so alone in the feelings. I know there must be others who have felt that way. It will take me quiet a while to finish Break Me Shake Me. It is difficult for me to write, and so I can only write a bit at a time.

7. Bed
There are a few pieces of clothing scattered on the bed among other things. Some of these clothes should be put into the hamper now.

8. Blog
Well, I've been writing this throughout working on my entire list, writing what I'm doing each step of the way helps to keep me on track. Since this is getting so long, I will hit send now and will continue the list in a new post after this.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Hannah has been sick last few days.  Had "the poopies" and not eating, sores in her mouth and such.  So mom took both babies to the doc today.  As of today Daniel weighs 24 lbs 3 ounces and is 30 inches tall;  Hannah:   19lbs 13 ounces  and is  29 and 3/4 inches.   They're going to be a year old on August 7th.  Mom made the invite using PrintMaster Gold then brought it to me to fix and print.  She then took it to Kinko's (I think) to have many copies made.  The invites are cute.  I probably won't be allowed to go to the party though, because I will NOT colour my hair and my tooth probably won't be fixed good enough  and I won't wear good enough clothes, and I'll say something wrong.  I missed the babies baptism.  I wanted to go but was not allowed.  I always feel so aweful.
Kylee and Dillon are spending the night tonight because someone is coming to their house in the morning to measure the rooms for the blueprint thingy so they have have an addition built onto the house.  I have a dentist appointment at 10:30am.  What a sucky day it's going to be.  Gawd, I'd rather sleep, nightmares and all, than go to the dentist. 
I feel really fat, I stood on the scale, as I do just about every time I go into the kitchen.  I've gained SIX pounds!  Just since like yesterday or so!  Today I ate like a pig.  I was home alone, hot.  I ate a bowl of Peanut butter cup ice cream.  Then grandma made spagetti.  Had a large plate of that.  Then grandma had bought stuff for strawberry shortcakes.  I felt so icky and fat I through half my strawberry shortcake away.  :'( 
Dawggy posted another writeup.  Harmony's finishing one now.  If they don't knock this off their gonna have XP's higher than mine! LOL. 
Current Song Playing:  Gavin DeGraw - More Than Anyone
Current Mood:  Blah

Friday, July 16, 2004

Current list

E2/Not Computer/Computer/read/other
1.  E2 vote/search
2.  Floor
3.  music
4.  The Illuminatus Trilogy
5.  Me
6.  E2 lyrical nodes
7.  bed
8.  Blog
9.  Jay Leno book
11. Psych nodes
12. Shelves
13. Gmail
14. poetry book
15. PS2
16. Theatre Nodes
17. Boxes
18. DayPlanner thingy


Thursday, July 15, 2004

A poem I found

The First Step You Take
Is Always
the Most Important One
The first few steps you take
on any journey
won't get you where you want to go.
But without those first steps
and the many more that follow,
you would always be standing
right where you are,
looking towards the future
and wondering what it would
really be like
to see your world
the way you always
dreamed it could be.
One of the greatest lessons
in life is the one you learn
about moving forward
and taking steps to reach your goals.
Life rewards those who are willing
to be invoted in it
and take chances.
Take your chance
and take those first few steps,
because a better life is just waiting
for you.
-Nick Santana

Blogger upgraded?

I came to post right now and it appears that blogger has upgraded or something.  The compose area is slightly different and now includes a Edit HTML tab.  Interesting. 
I don't tend to bother with much coding here.  They have changed it now to be more of a WYSIWYG type of formatting than before.  Whatever. 

Ooooh and they seem to have added the ability to upload right onto blogger instead of using an img tag from another server.  Have yet to try this though.
Dawggy posted a node on e2!  AND it's doing GREAT!  Harmony put up her sixth node and I also got one done today.  All three of us are listed in the NEWEST WRITEUPS list at the same time!  Is that awesome or what?!  I'm very proud of both of them. 


Take Things One Day at a Time

As you begin your journey to recovery,
know that there are people with you
every step of the way.
Take just one day at a time.
Don't expect more from yourself
than you do from others.
Conquer any anger or frustration
with hope and determination.
Believe in yourself.
Believe you will win this battle
and emerge better and stronger than ever.
Fight pain and self-doubt
with prayer and humor.
Reach out and accept the love and support
of your family and friends.
Know that you will overcome this obstacle
as you have all others.

-Ronnie M. Janney

I'm being productive today. I've gotten through the list a couple times already. I'm really achey but I can't remember when I last took ibeprofin. Grandma is in the living room and not in the greatest mood. Wah.

In the
Difficult Times,
Keep Believing in Yourself

There are times in life
when things are not perfect,
when problems seem to surround you.
As you look for a way through them,
it's important to keep
a positive attitude about your life
and where you are going.
You may wonder if you're making
the right choices.
You may wonder about how things
will turn out
if you take a different road.
But you are a strong
and motivated individual
who will rise to meet
the challenges that face you.
You are a loving and warm person
who loves life,
and you will get through
the difficult times.

-Beverly A. Chisley

I slept a very long time. I woke up many times but my head was hurting too much to bother with the computer. It was around three am when I layed down to sleep. It was around nine am when I got back on the computer. I've been sneezing all morning and I hurt all over. I know I should be heading toward the doctor, but I'm hoping grandma goes back to bed. I do not want to try to get ready and get out the door with her sitting in the living room. I'm anxious enough about having to talk to a doctor, having to explain to grandma where I am going and why first will just frazzle me more. I've been through this before. I have to be left alone by her and mom and anyone else that will make me feel aweful when I am already this anxious. If she goes to sleep soon I'll get ready and go. My heart beats faster and I feel shaky at the thought. I know I need to do this but I'm terrified.

Day went from bad to good

We had a major day today. The wee hours of the morn found me in an obsession to find more and more Savage Garden/Darren Hayes music/pictures/news. I now have Popular and their newest remix album. AWESOME.

Got manicy.

Lost time. I know now that it was Vanessa who took over and did something that is normal for a woman to do but led to upsetting Elly/flashbacks. This led to a very mixed up state for Blue. Was home alone at the time. Grandma had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. No one we knew was online at the time. Tried to make a few phone calls but was unable to contact anyone. Eventually we gave in to SI. Each of my breasts has 5 small slices. There is a tiny blood stain on one of my favorite t-shirts now. I was wearing the Big Dog shirt my mom got me on her honeymoon a couple years ago that says "I don't do mornings" It is small and probably will never be noticed by anyone even if it stains.

The cutting did help to calm and quiet. It was very minimal, however, and there was and is still a need for more. Fortunatly after this my day got extremely better. The care package from Harmony and Dawggy arrived. This completly turned my day back around. In it was of course my back up files, office, frontpage, and a few other files. Also in the box were several extremely thoughtful items. Most prescious is an angel doll named princess. Under her belt was a small card with a poem on it. Harmony told me to put it in my bible but I've already forgotten where it was I was supposed to place it in there. I will most likely place it in my wallet, however, so we can take it with me whereever we go. The card has this poem:

There's Sunshine in a Smile

Life is a mixture
of sunshine and rain,
Laughter and pleasure,
teardrops and pain,
So just keep on smiling
whatever betide you,
Secure in the knowledge
God is always beside you,
For each time you smile
you will find it is true
Somebody somewhere
will smile back at you,
And nothing on earth
can make life more worthwhile
Than the sunchine and warmth
of a beautiful smile.

-Helen Steiner Rice

Also in this box was a Million dollar bill, with Dawggy's real name on it. It is really cool. I so can't wait to show Marcie! There was also a Tootsie Roll Lollipop (orange) and some melted gummy bugs. Both of which I have already eaten. And last but not least are two neat computer made cards. All three of them (Dawggy, Harmony, and their son) signed them. This box of such wonderful things made us bawl. I can't exactly explain

I got to speak to both Dawggy and Harmony on the phone today. Dawggy helped me to set up Office and a few other computer things.

EvilLyrics is now working with iTunes. Dawggy gave me yet another gift today as well. That new Savage Garden remix album. I don't know what I would do without these two angels of mine. I know I say this everyday but I cannot stress enough how wonderful they both are. We are truly blessed.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Darren Hayes Obsession Mode

Darren Hayes has a new single out, and I discovered it these wee hours. Now I'm totally obsessing over Darren Hayes once again.


I`ve got a plan to make it rich and famous,
Lucky for me, for you it`s a bitch, you ain`t in,
My plans are slowly changing,
Fame is so contagious

I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular

I must confess,
I`ve been a ve-ry bad boy,
Been sleepin around,
Talk of the town,
My name is…
Hol-lywood will beckon,
E-veryone will listen,
Play my video
hear me on the radio,
Dancin to the disco
no one ever says no

I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular,
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular

…My friends are all in Limousines…
…My friends are all celebrity…
uh uh *giggle* uh uuh
I Just Sold My Soul

Play my video
hear me on the radio,
Dancin to the disco
no one ever says no

I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular,
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
I wanna be pop-ular,
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
I wanna be popular

…My friends are all celebrity…
…My friends are all in Limousines…

{ Play my video hear me on the radio,}
I`m willing to sleep my way to the top,
{Dancin to the disco, no one ever says no}
I wanna be pop-ular,
{ Play my video hear me on the radio,}
I don`t wanna keep my feet on the ground,
{Dancin to the disco, no one ever says no}
I wanna be popular,

Are you willing to sleep your way to the top?
Do you want to be pop-ular?

trouble focusing

Been trying to follow a list. Harmony went to bed earlier. Dawggy isn't feeling well and it's about time he'll head off to ni ni land too. I'm not doing to well at sticking to anything. Zoning. Urging bad to cut. Back hurts. Head hurts. Eyes burn. Teeth hurt. Hot. My head is loud.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Family was here

Meant to go to the doctor today, but mom and siblings came over. Dillon is spending the night which means they'll all be back tommorow. So no doc then either. Blah.
If Harmony hadn't called and asked me to come online I wouldn't have logged back on. It's hard not to withdraw completly but I have promised Harmony and Dawggy to try my hardest not to run from them, so I'm online, in chat, and following a list. They keep me going. Thanks big sis and bro!

Monday, July 12, 2004

Following a list again...

Harmony, my "big sis" is helping me follow a list. Dawggy, my "big bro" is making me a super cool blogskin. I really don't know what I would do without them. They make life tolerable, even pleasurable. Two major conversations with "him" today (he'll have a fit if I put his name here) and I haven't cut myself but damn I've been urging to. Dawggy and Harmony have kept me from doing it.

E2/Not Computer/Computer/read/other
1. E2 vote/search
2. Floor
3. instally thingies/preferences
4. The Illuminatus Trilogy
5. Me
6. E2 lyrical nodes
7. bed
8. Blog
9. Jay Leno book

Sunday, July 11, 2004

dont know what to say

it's been a long day. i guess i ended a relationship today. tommorow i have to go change my credit information. i also have to register for shcool.

this morning i woke up dawggy and harmony. i was upset and scared and there was no one online i could trust and be open with. so i called their house. it was really hard but i knew sitting here alone i would cut myself bad. it took me several tries to get all the phone card numbers and their phone number in without hanging up. when i finally did dawggy answered. i could barely speak. but he understood. he came online and harmony did too. i didnt cut. at all. it was a long day. a difficult day. i looked at pictures online of self-injury and had trouble to stop looking but it actually helped. but what helped more than anything was how dawg and harmony just jumped right up and were there for me. they keep telling me how proud they are of me and what a big step i've taken. it is a big deal. i'm crying again damnit.
i sent an email that is what set me off, what was said in the email i sent. And i've ignored him since. well almost. finally after blocking him on aim he IM'd me on msn and i answered once, telling him it sounded like he was threatening me. i'm very upset and confused today. its so loud inside. and the need to cut is building inside of me again. i've made it all day without so much as a scratch.
i had a great conversation with tim about something completly unrelated to anything else i've spoken of but it was more vanessa than me. hell i'm lucky i even got to watch, it was all vanessa.
i've been crying most of the day. my nose is snotty. i tried making mac and cheese but it wans't good and i couldnt eat. and my teeth hurt. my back hurts my hands hurt. i dont feel well, both emotionally and physically its a shitty day.

Friday, July 9, 2004

cuz she said to...

[22:09] Harmony_: Go blog now, and I want details girlfriend.

Mmmmkay. What details?! I don't have any. It's a terrible day. Dawggy is frustrated with me. It hurts that i've hurt him. Mom has decided I'm going to spend like two thousand dollars on a front tooth. she made me a dentist appointment for tomormw.
sorry i cant think good. its just not a good day

Sunday, July 4, 2004

spider bites

I think the reason I've been feeling not well is largely do to "slightly poisionous" spider bites. I hate spiders, and looking at pictures of spider bites to see if the bites on me looked like that scared me cuz theres some really scary spider bites in a google search. Afraid to sleep. they get me when i sleep.

Saturday, July 3, 2004

Tough times

Harmony is helping me stick to the list this morning. I keep getting distracted easily. If it weren't for her I don't think I'd be able to stick to the list and then I'd get nothing done and would get even more depressed.

Lately it's been really hard to stay me. It's frustrating and scary. I have not been feeling well in any sense of the word. I know I need a doctor, but I don't know how.

Ever changing template

One of these days I'll get one I'm happy with. That's what Testy Stuff is about. I want to learn how to do it myself.
Just a few more days till my comptuer gets fixed. yay.

Friday, July 2, 2004

not good day

never is tho.

went to library went to bank went to groceries.

dont feel good.

grandma is in bad mood

want to get rid of that damn bed completlly. all it does is hurt. cant sleep on it and jsut trip on it. can't i just have the comforter to lay on the floor? why do i have to havve the damn sucky bed?

i hate life. if it weren't for harmony and dawggy's CONSTANT pushing me to be safe and to be productive i'd have already given in to david.

To my angels.....

As sung by Bette Midler

Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings,
'cause you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.

Oh, the Wind Beneath My Wings.
You, you, you, you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the Wind Beneath My Wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the Wind Beneath My Wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the Wind Beneath My Wings...

"I`m just a Curbside Prophet..."

Grandma is up, but so far she has stayed in there, away from me.

I hope Harmony wakes up soon. I'm pretty sure she is usually up and online by now but then she also took some really nice pain pills before going to bed. I know how it is to have your knees hurt. My own knees hurt quite often. I hope hers get to feeling better soon.

Loneliness. But I deserve to be lonely. I hate these feelings. I hate what some of the inside people say. I hate being confused.

I'm still following the list, I've tweaked it a bit as I go along. I guess I'm being pretty productive this morning.

If grandma would go to bed and sleep today away things would be easier. Instead of going to Target with her I could go to the bank and the grocery store. Either trip will exhaust me. I can't do both.

Woke Depressed and Lonely

It's almost 4am now. Trying hard to follow a list.

E2/bedroom/computer stuff/read/other writings/
1) E2 vote/search
2) Floor
3) Fixy computer stuff
4) Illuminatas
5) Essay contests
6) Psych Nodes
7) Shelves
8) Blog
9) Magazines
10) html
11) homenode
12) dresser
13) Gmail

I slept for about two hours. I woke up feeling cold, lonely, scared, and depressed. I do not want to think about the dreams.

The last two .rar files are transfering to Dawggy's computer as I write this. In another two or three hours they'll be completly done and that will be everything but a couple of the documents I am using still, which will easily enough be emailed from one account to another at the last minute.

I have my SSI check in my purse. I need to go deposit it, and change my account info. Unfortunatly grandma wants me to go to Target with her today, so there goes the entire day.

Those bad thoughts keep creeping back. Some of the inside people, one in particular espcially, continously speaks of death and how it would be a glorious release. We are working extremely hard to not allow this to overtake us. We are truly blessed. We have extremely good friends. Harmony and Dawggy have faith in us. We must believe in ourself. We must get past the tough spots, because they know truth, and they show me love and understanding. I have Marcie too. I am blessed with friends. Why is it still so hard?


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