Thursday, December 18, 2008

Disney LOVES ME!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

general stuff

I'm always hungry lately. I'm gonna have a hard time keepin my weight down if this continues. My weight has come back down a couple pounds since my halloween candy pig-outs though. I'm 172 or so now I think.

I'm so sick of the pain. Every so often it'll hit really bad all at once. EVERYTHING hurts with my back, stomach, and chest being the worst. I have a hard time breathing when this happens. Tears roll down my face and I grope around and take some pain meds and then do whatever I can to try to get a little relief. Half an hour or 45 minutes later the pain will start to lift a bit.

I'm thirsty all the time too. Like ten minutes after having something to drink I feel like I haven't had a drink in many many hours. My mouth is always so dry. Not sure why. Maybe it's from meds but I don't know which one(s).

I have been slowly cleaning and organizing my apartment. Very slowly but it's getting better little by little. I've also been reading a lot. I have several bibles I read, some are more devotionals than bibles though. I've been reading The Dead Zone by Stephen King. I've also been reading a book called Asylums which is a collection of essays on total institutions that focuses mostly on mental hospitals. I've also been going through old magazines and reading any interesting bits before I throw them out.

Mom came over monday morning right after taking the twins to school. She helped me clean my kitchen and bathroom real good and would have stayed and helped more but the twins had minimum day and got out at 11:30am and she just didn't have any more time.

I finished reading the Stephen King book, The Dead Zone, on Tuesday morning. I then started reading the nearest book I saw which happened to be a "Heartwarming inspirational romance" that was a "free gift" and says so on the cover. The book is "Rainbow's End" by Irene Hannon.

I keep getting itchy. Everything will itch and no matter what I do I can't make it stop. My nose and eyes drive me nuts, my back will drive me crazy, and everything else itches too all at the same time til I wish I could just scream or die!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

preparing for inspection

This coming wednesday an inspector from the housing authority will be coming for the annual inspection of my apartment. Been working on cleaning it. Mom is supposed to come over one day this weekend because I tried to open the middle drawer of my nightstand and the whole front of the drawer just came off and she's going to try to fix it for me. She'll have the twins with her though.

I get really easily frustrated and really easily distracted so never really get much accomplished.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

mail then sleep!

I'm trying to stick to a list. Trying to keep occupied and not give in to the desire/need to SI. I'm having a hard time not thinking about SI.

I'm washing clothes right now and listening to music.

The sun is up and I am thinking of brushing my teeth and hair and getting dressed and walking to the mailbox. I hate going outside but I haven't picked up my mail in quite some time and it gets dark early nowadays so I don't have much daylight left once I wake up in the afternoons.


It's about 10am and I've brushed my teeth and gotten dressed. I'm going out to get the mail and then coming back and going to bed. I will set an alarm and try to go grocery shopping today.

Lost the day

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday but missed it along with the rest of the day. My computer is kinda stupid and my G key is sticking and I'm really frustrated but workin on a list to keep busy. I cannot chat. Computer will not work well enough. I'll be tryin to back up my files so I can do somethin about this. The current list is:

1 Dead Zone
2 Stretch/exercise
3 Email
4 Livinroom
5 Bedroom
6 Bath/hall
7 Kitchen
8 Me
10 Student Bible
11 Floor
12 One Minute Bible
13 Music
14 Household Tips
15 Drawers
16 KJV
17 Xmas
18 Journals/Letters/Mail
19 Desk
20 Holy Bible
21 backup computer
22 Clothes
23 Women's Bible
24 Spark
25 Closet
26 Shopping
27 Asylums
28 Blog
29 Myspace/Facebook
31 Surveys/Free/confusedalot
32 Journal
33 Sweeps

Sunday, November 2, 2008

another multi-day post

Working on a list. A long list now. It varies a bit from run through to run through but the current list looks like this:

Pet Sematary
student bible
one minute bible
king james version bible
women's bible
holy bible

Mom came over after dropping kids off at school on Wednesday morning to help straighten things up before Danielle and Karen showed up. She hadn't left yet when Danielle and Karen got here but left right after they did. They sat and talked for just a few minutes and then we went for a walk. I hate the sun.

Spent Halloween doing not much. Watched a bunch of veggietales videos on youtube. I got dressed so that if any trick or treaters came to the door I was wearing something not stained etc and brushed my hair and stuff. Not a single person came to my door though. Lots of candy that I will have to eat all by myself now! I've had tons already. Bought 2 big bags of mixed candies at Ralphs on thursday evening and have already ate way too much of it.

I am almost constantly itchy and don't know why. Itchy everywhere. From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every where in between including my eyes, inside my ears, etc. I must be allergic to myself.

At 8:45am on saturday morning I am only on page 53 of 74 pages of Daily Sweeps. Not going to be able to do them all it seems.

I did not finish the sweeps saturday morning and as of 4amish sunday am on page 37 of 77 and that's with a spare hour due to the time change. Have been too easily distracted lately.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

home visit tomorrow gah!

It's another hot day. I missed group. Felt and stil feel shitty. Could not get up and get down there in time. Called in and told them that my stomach was a mess (which is true) and I was not going to be there. She tried to talk me into coming anyways but I couldn't.

Got a call from Karen from the clinic saying her and the other livingwell group leader, Danielle, will be coming over around 10:30am tomorrow morning for a home visit. Blah. I'll have to get my apartment clean tonight and shower. I was washing dishes when she called.

Going to spend the night doing a list and trying to get apartment clean enough. Probably won't get to do daily sweeps tonight. :(

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

summer over yet?

It's been really hot today. Even turned the air conditioner on for a little while because I was so hot. It's supposed to be fall. Summer is supposed to be over.

On Thursday me and mom may be going out to Cal Worthington to look for me a car. Mine has endless problems and more than one mechanic has told me several times to get rid of it.

I'm entering daily sweeps and doing a list. Hopefully I'll manage to get through all the daily sweeps today.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

a week to write this...

I went to the doctor's monday. I got a flu shot and a referral to a different

neurologist because the guy I have seen in the past just would never do anything for me.

I went to mom's house after that. I helped the twins finish their homework and then read

some books to them until they got too wound up and I got too aggravated to continue. Mom

got us all KFC. I had 5 chicken little sandwhiches (they are the size of white castle

hamburgers) and then some of the corn that mom made.

When I got home I watched tv, chatted, and did a lot of nothing for a long time. Talked

to a new person in #bus who was having a hard time for a while and started working on a

list I started a few days ago and is now quite long.

The current list:
One Minute Bible
Woman's Bible

The book I am currently reading is "From a Buick 8" by Stephen King. MoodGym is a website that like helps you work out stuff dealing

with depression etc. The Bible I'm reading is The Student Bible NIV. I'm currently

reading some of the psalms. I have a ton of magazines sitting around that I need to get

rid of. The Woman's Bible has devotional readings that I'm reading, not just a regular


On tuesday I went to group. Loraine, who is a big Disneyland fan and a member of the

group I've known for a few years now brought me 2 pairs of pants and 3 disney t-shirts.

After group I went to mom's house I think. The twins were not home, they were with their


On wednesday I saw the gastroenterologist. He told me to have blood work done and then

an ultrasound and I have an appointment to see him again in a month. I didn't get up

until about 5pm or so on thursday so only paid my rent and didn't go get bloodwork done

or call the new neurologist. On friday I didn't get up until after 6pm so did nothing

yet again.

I finished the Book "From A Buick 8" a couple days ago and Saturday morning I finished

another Stephen King book "Doloros Claiborne". I have started reading yet another

Stephen King book. This one is called "Night Shift" and is a collection of short


I have not been feeling well at all lately. Been getting dizzy and lightheaded a lot.

Just a blah feeling in general and nausea is back at times. I'm acheyier than usual I

think too. I've also felt really depressed and anxious and my head has been loud. The

Bad Man has visited me in my sleep again. It's not as bad as it has been in the past

though fortunatly.

I've been writing this blog post since I think monday. It is now sunday. Early sunday.

Friday, September 12, 2008

lost confused

I wish the world would end. I’m so lost. I’m so sick of crying. I’m so sick of hurting. My back hurts so bad again. Everything hurts. I have to see the psychiatrist next Tuesday. I don’t even know what today is but I know I’m dreading Tuesday. I always dread seeing him. He makes me feel so stupid, so fat, so shitty. He says I’m not depressed. Why do I cry all the time? Why do I want to die? Why do I hate everything, especially myselfs? Why do the inside people have to be so loud? I don’t know what happened tonight. I was struggling and I gave up. That was at least four hours ago. I wasn’t asleep. At some point I took a shower. I don’t remember. I’m not even sure who does. I’m scared. This can’t start happening a lot again. I can’t take it. No one understands. I can’t tell anyone. It doesn’t make sense to me how would it make sense to anyone else? I’m trying so hard not to SI again. I feel so bad though and it’s the only thing that might help me for at least a little while. I keep crying. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy like everyone says I should be? I can’t go on like this. I’m so scared. No one can help me. We’re so alone. So lost. So empty. So stupid. I stay logged into #bus all the time just so I can pretend I’m not alone. I talk a lot but no one really listens to me. They tell me I talk to much. They say I’m boring. They’re right but I can’t shut up. Most of the conversations in there are way over my head. So many of the regulars there are grad students and stuff. I’m a junior college flunk out. I feel so stupid all the time. Not just in there but whenever I talk to anyone anywhere. I’m always so confused. I hate it. My pdoc is going to tell me to lose weight, get out, and get a job. He always done. I can’t make my head or body work well enough though. I hate seeing him so much. I want to quit going to the clinic at all. I want to quit going to any doctor. I want to just quit eating. I want to quit hurting. I want to quit. I’m so messed up and no one can help me. Yes I’m lazy. Everyone tells me that too. I know it. I’ve always known it. I just don’t have the energy and I don’t know where to even start even when I manage to get up. I sleep a lot. I also space a lot. I don’t know whats going on a lot of the time. I’m lost inside my head with all the inside people arguing. Sometimes things happen and I don’t know it like taking a shower earlier. I don’t remember taking a shower buy my hair is wet and I’m in clean clothes and stuff. I feel so lost. I don’t know anything for sure anymore.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

A productive morning

I started a list around a quarter til 5am and worked on it all morning, well past time I should have gone to sleep. It's 10:30am now and I should really give up and go sleep soon since I have to make phone calls today. I got my bed cleared off, sheets and all as well as the kitchen table. I also got a lot of the stuff from the box separated and sorted and some clothes put away. I've also added a bunch of music to itunes.
I got 10 tickets to the Dodger game this sunday and emailed my friends. My sister and brother got jobs at a Halloween store and won't find out til saturday if they have to work sunday or not. Well I better clean off the couch and sleep a while.

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."-Fred Allen

Monday, September 1, 2008

I'm being productive for a change

I've gotten into a funk again lately. Happens a lot. Tonight I've managed to be productive though. I've been meaning to write a blog post for a while now but I haven't done anything lately but sit and lay on the couch and babble in #bus. I haven't done sweeps all week. My apartment is a total disaster area but I have been following a list tonight and getting a little bit done finally. I'm having a little trouble breathing now and should probably use my inhalor. I guess the heat, movement, and dust from some of the stuff I've been going through is getting to me.

I don't think I've blogged anything at all anywhere all month if not longer and there were a few exciting things in August. On August 2 John and Danielle came over. We ran to tacobell/pizza hug and got dinner then came back here to eat. After that we went and found the local starbucks. Me and Danielle both had gift cards. I'd had mine a long time. I had three, at least one of which was from this past Christmas. Another one was older than that I think. We played some Uno and then we played a game they got me for Christmas called Last Word (i think that's the title) for the first time. It was a lot of fun but after 8 games Danielle had won every single time and it was after midnight so they went home. I didn't sleep that day at all because I was taking Dillon to Disneyland early the next morning. The alarm was set for like 6am or so and I never got to sleep. I haven't been going to sleep until dawn.

We had a good time on that trip, we always do though. We got there right after it opened and did a few things there, got fastpasses, then headed over to DCA right after it opened, probably at 10am. We were meeting people in the picnic area at 11:30am from That was a bit awkward because most of them knew each other and neither me and Dillon had met anyone before and are not active on the site. They have a meet-up every sunday at noon. This particular week they were having cupcakes first though to celebrate a few birthdays. Most of them went to lunch after a while and we weren't hungry so went off to use our fastpasses and such. Throughout the day we passed many of the micechatters and waved.

The twins' birthday was this month as well. We had planned to get a jumper but plans changed at the last minute and the jumper was canceled and we used some of the money I won from a sweepstakes to stay 2 nights at the Plaza Inn Hotel and Suites across the street from the Disneyland main pedestrian entrance...well down a bit, more across from DCA. We got there late in the day on the 6th and had dinner at IHOP then went over to DL for a few hours. The next day were were back there by 10am and had hoped to do a character breakfast but it was $30 a piece for that and IHOP had come up to a ridiculous $90 or so the night before. We did have breakfast on main street though, just not the chracter one. The twins were pretty cranky that day from getting to bed late and up early. We all still had fun though.

We got home late on the third day and then the following night Kylee's girlfriend came over and I went over and grandma made spaghetti and we had cake. The twins finally got to open their presents. They had a pretty good birthday this year.

On August 17th Sergio, Dillon, and I went to Warped Tour in Carson. Dillon had been dieing to go to this all day concert. There were like 8 stages and around 30 bands I think. Katy Perry and Angels and Airwaves were the only ones I really knew. Some of the other bands were pretty good too though. I had won 2 tickets in a sweepstakes and Sergio agreed to go with us so I wouldn't have to drive so I bought his ticket and mom gave him gas money. I got really sunburned and so did Dillon. I had put lots of sunblock on that morning but I should have reapplied, and wore a hat.

I was sick too. When we got home from DLR I had a sore throat that got worse and wouldn't go away. I went to the doctor and was given an antibiotic and she did a throat swab to test for strep. The antibiotic was a 5 day one and the doctor's office called me the day I had finished it to tell me it was strep and I wasn't any better by then so they called in a second, different, antibiotic. By the time I finished it I was fine. The concert was when I was still taking the first one or had just started the second one though so I was pretty miserable. The sun burn did not help things. Sergio was also miserable. He has gallstones and has surgery scheduled for late september because he can't get off work before that.

Thanks to Labor Day I got my check on friday and was able to go grocery shopping saturday. I spent a lot more than usual but at least I have plenty of food for a while. Which reminds me...There are oranges in my fridge. I may have one in a little while.

It's almost 4:30am and I would like to get some more done before I sleep. I did not sleep well at all yesterday. Had reflux and couldn't lay down. Around 10am I finally managed to get comfortable propped up and slept about 2 hours. I got up and went to the bathroom but after a short while was able to get back to sleep. I had nightmares the rest of the day though. Waking up on and off. I didn't actually get up and on the computer until after 6 though. I was really tired and slept from 9pmish until almost 11. I've been doing a list since about 2am I think. I should get back to it now...

Sunday, July 27, 2008

A cool giveaway

Check out acowboyswife's blog and enter her giveaways! Very cool!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Cadaver calculator

$5665.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

Created by OnePlusYou

Friday, July 11, 2008

Check out the letsgogreen giveaway!

I found a giveaway for biodegradable trashbags. So check out the blog called The Ramblings of a Woman and read the post that is linked in the title of my blog post. We should all try to do more for the environment.

Monday, July 7, 2008


On Thursday, July 3rd I drove Kylee, Trisha and their a-hole friend Travis (or was it Trevor? Who knows...we'll call him "jerk"). The first thing I wanted to do when we got there was go on Toy Story Mania which I've been wanting to do since I first heard the ride was being built! If you don't know what TSMM is please go look it up! Better yet, go to DCA and ride it! I can't wait to ride it again (and again and again...)! I loved it.

Me and Kylee in line

I was yellow, Tricia was green.

Riding TSMM was the best part of the day by far. Kylee and her friends treated me like crap all day. Oh well. I got to ride TSMM. I won't be going to DL with Kylee and her friends again though. I won't be spending any time with jerk or doing any favors for him at all. Kylee did apologize to me after mom talked to her the following day. The fact that Kylee treats me (and most people) like crap on a regular basis and apologized just before asking for help with something from me makes me not appreciate her apology as much as I've tried to. She tried to apologize tho.

The night after getting home from DLR I sat down and cried longer and harder than I had in quite a while. It was my worst trip to DL ever. I can't wait to go again (WITH DILLON! OR MOM AND THE TWINS AND DILLON!) to forget about this trip and return happiness to my DL memories.

I couldn't get anyone to go on Toy Story a second time or explore the new Dream House inside Innoventions which I really wanted to see. Hopefully me and Dillon can go see it soon. Mom and Dillon had gone to DL the Sunday before and rode TSMM twice and had lots of fun but the dream house was closed at the time. I wish I could have gone with them but I'm glad the two of them were able to spend quality time together just the two of them. Dillon don't get enough attention. With the twins always keeping mom busy and all Kylee's graduation stuff recently he kind of got lost in the crowd.


I've been pretty depressed lately. The treatment by Kylee and her friends really didn't help. The fourth I just stayed home. Was tired, achey, depressed, and just didn't want to deal with crowds and such. Kylee don't like fireworks so just mom and Dillon went and watched fireworks at the same place we go every year. Mom said it was the same show as the last 2 years, same music, same fireworks choreography. There was some famous singer tho that sang one song. I can't remember who it was though. Someone I'd heard of that has been around for many years. Mom said she was a friend of someone involved in planning the fireworks performance and sang one of her popular songs than was driven off in the van they drove her out to the stage in. Mom's not sure it was her but it pretty sure.

Sunday mom took me and Dillon to the cheap theatre and we saw Wall-E. It was cute. Mom fell asleep tho and when she woke up started playing tetris on her phone so I guess she didn't really get into it. Mom ALWAYS falls asleep though no matter how good the movie is. It's too bad we couldn't have taken the twins but they're with their father and he has already taken them to it. Mando did let my mom have her visit with the twins the last 2 wednesday nights but we think he's off this week so he'll probably have plans and she wont get to see the babies. I believe his 4 weeks are over on the twentieth of this month.


Oh recently I won a $100 visa giftcard doing sweeps. Also won a 6-month premium membership for OLS.

Well I have a dentist appointment at 1pm today and it's 6am now. I had a nap but I should try to get a couple hours of sleep.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Give me a 10 for's Best Best Friend

Check out MomReviews

I found this on OLS and thought I'd share this one (I"ll be doing this occassionally with various sites).


I wish I could win the Suave products!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

GooGoo Dolls Acoustic #3 lyrics

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway

Friday, June 13, 2008

My sister graduated!

Well it's been a little while since I've actually written anything anywhere. My sister Kylee has had a very eventful couple of weeks. Last night she graduated high school at 8pm. All my friends were there, and of course most of my family was there. It was disappointing that grandma decided not to go but our sister, Amber, came and even our father, Rick, showed up. My family got to meet my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. Amber got to meet all my friends for the first time. It was great seeing Amber again after so long.
I got over to my moms house yesterday around 2:30 or 3pm I think. I visited with the twins and grandma and all for a while where Kylee got ready. Then me and Kylee headed off to the college I've gone to all these years because she had an appointment with a counselor there. The two of them worked on a student educational plan (SEP) for Kylee and answered a few questions Kylee had and then I took Kylee to the main office to pick up some papers that show what classes are needed for each major but most of the ones she wanted to see were not there. They need to refill the slots where they go. I took Kylee to the financial aid office where she spoke briefly with someone there that told her to make sure she's got her FAFSA done and such. Then I showed Kylee where the food was and bought her a soda and pointed out the bookstore and the library and what buildings were which in that area. Then we headed over to the district field where her graduation was. When we got there the other high school that used that same field that same day for their graduation was just starting to leave. So the area was a mess of people and we parked a street over and walked over to the field and waited for our family and friends.
Marcie and her boyfriend Eddie were the first of our group to show up. Shortly after that John, Danielle, Sergio, and Brianna showed up. We then waited, talking to my mom a few times on the phone, for Amber to arrive at the house so mom and Dillon and the twins as well as Amber could come over there. Rick arrived shortly before the gates opened. Most of my friends went in and got us seats while me and Marcie waited with Rick outside because mom had his ticket. Eventually we all got in and sat in the bleachers and waited. Boy were our butts sore at the end of the ceremony. Bleachers are not a comfortable place to sit. It's a killer on my back too.
It took a good fifteen or more minutes for the graduating class of approximately 250 to march into the field and file into their seats. Then there were several speeches and then the calling of the names in a mostly alphabetical order. Kylee was fairly easy to spot because she was the only one with the blue and gold honor cords like the ones me and Marcie wore. They are for honor thespian. Something not easy to earn but Kylee more than earned with all her involvement in the drama department at school and all the stuff she's done outside of school productions. After the ceremony ended everyone rushed the field to meet up with their graduate. It took a while to find Kylee in that mess and then her and Dillon both lost themselves in the crowd saying congrats and bye to all their friends. Eventually Kylee picked up her diploma and we found her near the exit taking pictures with her girlfriend and friends. Dillon took quite a while longer to get over there. Once we finally got them rounded up we drove over to Denny's where everyone else was waiting for us.
At Denny's we had the banquet room which mom had reserved. It was very nice. Mom had brought in quite a bit of decorations in earlier in the day and the staff there decorated with the stuff she brought in. Most was black and gold because that is the school colors and some even said the school name on it.
Most of us ate. Me and Danielle shared a grand slam and it was good. Rick left before we ate but he did at least come by there. He gave Kylee $50. Kylee kind of felt gypped because at my grad he had given me $100. Most of my friends gave her gift cards for various things. Amber got her a big basket of snack foods that Kylee loved but didn't see until she got home because Amber rode with mom to the grad and then to Denny's and the basket was in her car. Poor Amber was so exhausted but couldn't leave until someone took her back to our house and we'd forgotten she was stuck there and when we realized it I ran her by the house (a 2 minute drive tops) so she could go home. She gave me the basket and I went in and sat it on the couch as she went home. I then found Kylee some flip-flops and took them back to Denny's because her feet were killing her from wearing the nice shoes she had on. By the time I got back my friends were all walking out and I spoke to them a minute or two in the parking lot before going back into the restaurant and helping clean up. I then drove Kylee's friend Andrew (I think that was his name...real nice guy) home and took Kylee back to the house and visited a while before going home around 2:30am.
I ordered Kylee an 8gb memory card with a usb card reader to go with it. It'll be a few more days still before she gets it, however. I did tell her about it yesterday though.
I think everyone had a pretty good time last night. The twins were exhausted though. They had gone to Universal Studios with their dad the day before and were obviously up fairly late last night compared to their usual bedtime around 8pm or so. They had to get up early today to see their asshole of a father who kept them late day before yesterday but had a tantrum when mom told him today that they were going to be late today because they were tired and hard to get up this morning. The twins did NOT want to go visit today. They wanted to stay home and relax but mom had no choice but to make them go. I think it's the 20th of this month they go with him for an entire month. My mom is going to go nuts and the twins are going to miss her and their home terribly.
Kylee's grad night was last week and they went to Disneyland. She said the park was packed full of too many schools and all the lines were horrendous. Today she has been on the computer trying to get stuff backed up so I can attempt to fix their computer. Secure sites (email, bank, school registration site, etc etc) do not work at all on their computer now. The isp troubleshot with us a couple times for a few hours and eventually told us to reformat and start over. I haven't done it yet because Kylee hasn't backed up her stuff yet and Dillon is ALWAYS on it. (Myspace still works). Dillon starts summer school monday. He doesn't not need to go but is getting a class or two out of the way. He got pretty good grades. They both did. I was trying on my computer to get into the school website for her but we can't get logged in. we have to call the school Monday and find out why her ID and password are not working.
I am very proud of Kylee this week (and always)! Here are a few pictures I took yesterday:

This blur is Kylee as she graduated:

A proud mom kissing her daughter:
Mom and Kylee sucking face while squishing the Daniel!

Kylee with many of my friends:

Daniel loved Amber immediatly:
Amber and Daniel

Sister and father who hadn't seen each other in 8 years:
Amber and Rick

Kylee and our father:

The cake (I think those were real flowers but we weren't sure):
Kylee's face cake!

Hannah and Dillon doing some kind of secret handshake:

My friends:

And finally...a piture taken before we left for the graduation- "When Hannah attacks!" lol:

Congratulations little sis! I love you!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

last night

Last night John and Danielle came over. We had a good time. We talked. We ate pizza. We played Life Twists and Turns board game (I won!). We messed around on the computer. Looked at old yearbooks and looked up people on myspace. We just hung out. I’m glad they came over. It’s good to have friends like that. Marcie was invited but it was all last minute and she already had plans with her boyfriend…a football game or something. I don’t remember exactly.

I’ve been looking at Disneyland videos on youtube. I find them very interesting and I really want to go to the park again. It’s been way too long. Last time I went was the first week of January! Unfortunately I just haven’t felt physically up to going somewhere like that. My family has been a few times. I can’t even go to the grocery store without feeling like I’m going to collapse. I then go home and lay down and don’t move because I feel so tired, weak, and achey. I hate this.

I went like 2 full days without ending up throwing up. Yesterday afternoon I threw up but I managed to eat pizza without getting sick and today I had stuffed shells pasta and have not thrown up, but my stomach hurts. My ankles have really been bothering me last couple days. I have lots of other pain too which is keeping me from getting to sleep. My doctor don’t want me taking any pills because we don’t know what is wrong with my stomach.

On May 28th I have an appointment to have an endoscopy. I am so dreading this. My mom is taking me. I just hope it lets them figure out what’s wrong and then fix it. I’m so sick of feeling like shit everyday!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

purity test

You Are 76% Pure

You're pretty pure, and you have no plans on changing that.

You do have a devilish side though... and it will probably get the better of you.

A true friend

My definition of a “true friend” has been questioned.

PhotobucketA true friend is someone that sticks with you through thick and thin, NO MATTER WHAT.

PhotobucketA true friend is there for you when you need them most, without cursing you for needing them and without complaint.

PhotobucketA true friend would never threaten you in any way and does NOT continuously remind you that you “owe” them for all the things they’ve ever done for you.

PhotobucketA true friend doesn’t run from your problems but asks you to talk about them.

A true friend doesn’t lie to you and call you the liar.

PhotobucketA true friend supports you in any decision you make.

PhotobucketA true friend doesn’t remind you of every mistake you’ve ever made, but reminds you of the good things you’ve done.

PhotobucketA true friend really means it when they say they love and care about you, and show it!

PhotobucketA true friend can be told anything without making you feel bad.

PhotobucketA true friend remembers the things you did for them and the times you were there for them, not just what they did for you.

PhotobucketAn untrue friend will say they don’t want you in their life and then continue to contact you to put you down and threaten you, reading all the stuff you post.
So now we know my definition of a true friend! I have true friends, most notably is Marcie. She has always been there, no matter what. And I hope I’ve always been there for her, no matter what. She fulfills all the things I mentioned above and then some. I hope she realizes how much I appreciate her.


Saturday, May 3, 2008


It has been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been sick. A couple weeks ago I went to the er on a Thursday night and they took my gallbladder out that Saturday. I was very sore from the surgery but the soreness has mostly gone away now but I’m still just as sick as I was before going into the hospital. Most of what I eat does not stay down. I’m always either constipated or have diarrhea. A couple times I had blood in my stool. My stomach almost always hurts and whenever I eat anything or even drink too much it hurts worse. I get heartburn and acid reflux pretty bad most of the time. I’ve got an appointment with a gastroenterologist May 8. Hopefully they can help me. The doctor who wrote the referral said they will probably want to do a colonoscopy. I’ve heard the 2 days before that procedure are very miserable. I just wish I could die and not have to go through any thing else. Last night I had chicken noodle soup and it came back up before I could even put my bowl in the sink. I still need to wash the dishes. I haven’t gone and gotten my mail like all week. I’m feeling really terrible at the moment though and don’t feel like walking right now, for I might throw up again if I move around too much at the moment.

I don’t do much of anything now. I dropped out of school weeks ago. I haven’t been going to group at the clinic. I go to doctors appointments and on the days I have doctor appointments I go to my moms house. Other than that I pretty much stay on my couch and try not to throw up. I’ve come to discover who my true friends are and there aren’t as many of them as I once thought. I pretty much keep to myself now online. I used too many minutes on my phone this past month since I was in the hospital for part of the time and now most of my friends talk to me on the phone instead of those who I used to talk to online.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Dropped out of school

I dropped out of school completely.
I'm sick and just can't get the project done that involves going to libraries and observing 6 seperate librarians for half an hour each and interviewing them or something. Without this project I wont pass the class so why continue to go to class? Not like the class matters any ways. What would I do with the stupid certificate? Put it in a box?

I weighed myself today. 203. This is more than 20 pounds less than it was like a month or so ago. When I eat my stomach hurts worse and the nausea gets so bad and the food often refuses to stay in my stomach. I'm miserable. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The gastroentorologist cannot see me until April 21st. I've been counting down the days in hope for some kind of relief. I'm supposed to have an ultrasound. They are booked but were finally able to get back to me with a cancellation for April 29th. I keep track of my calories on but I am not trying to lose weight. There has been a day here and there when I ate as many as 900 calories in a single day but these are far and few between and just because I ate that many calories doesn't mean that all of them actually got absorbed. I am NOT making myself sick on purpose. I HATE throwing up. Many days I manage to consume about 300. Many days less.

I'm so sick of this. I cry all the time. I'm lonely. I can't go anywhere. I hurt all over. My back is killing me and my stomach always hurts now. I turned down going to Disneyland twice now because of my stomach! I didn't go to CEC. I had a chance to go to Laughlin with John and Danielle. The room was paid for and danielle even offered to pay for one or two of my meals but I couldn't go. I'm sick. I don't know whats wrong. Many mornings I can't get to sleep at all because I cannot lay down due to the nausea.

And I've got a bad attitude and I'm always screwing things up. No one wants to talk to me at all anymore. My ipod is messed up. My computer blue screens all the time. It's all my fault. I can't do anything right.

Don't talk to me about my stupid blog. "Pity party" ya ya ya. shut up and leave me alone

Monday, March 31, 2008

I don't need you to help me me like shit!

It seems like everyone I talk to anymore can't wait to tell me I'm not doing good enough. I KNOW THIS ALREADY! Ok?

I DO try! I HAVE tried! I DO listen to you but I'm not good enough. I'm not as strong as you. I'm not as convincing as you. I'm not as good as you. I just can't do it.

I know you try to help me. I DO appreciate it. The help I need is someone to make the pain stop. You just can't do that through a keyboard. I'm sorry. I need pain meds or something.

I know I complain too much. I know its feeding the ego and all that shit. I just can't seem to stop myself though. I know everyones tired of hearing it but so am I. I know that means I should stop complaining but its not that easy. I try all the time not to complain and yet I still complain constantly.

If you think I like being miserable your wrong.

Everyone blames this on me going off psych meds but I was just as miserable while I was on the stupid pills. Yes I'm depressed. I'm broke all the time and I am feeling like shit physically all the time. I can't get doctors to help me. It don't seem like it matters what I do or don't do someone is always upset with me. So how can I NOT be depressed?

I feel shitty. I don't need anyone telling me I'm not trying not hard enough. I don't need anyone telling me I'm being negative. I don't need anyone telling me I'm lying. I don't need someone telling me everything I say is bullshit. ok?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

curious savage

Me and Dillon went and saw Kylee in her las high school play, Curious Savage. I think Kylee's character's name was Mrs Paddy or something like that. It's a good show. It takes place in a mental institution. This was their first play at the new covina theatre. it used to be called the covina playhouse. i think its called the covina performing arts center now. i'm not sure. its nice. really small. always has been small. i was there once before. marcie worked on a show there once a few years ago before it had been redone. mom paid for it. it was $12 for me and $10 for Dillon. She gave us enough money to go out to eat afterward. I had mcdonald's and he had taco bell. I ate too much. I had a fish sandwhich and four chicken nuggets and shared my fries with dillon. i just couldnt decide which i wanted. i didnt throw up but I got really nausous.grandma gave me her gas card to fill up my tank since i had been running errands for them this week. i really appreciate it. money is really tight. i got a call from time warner saying my cable bill was over due. i never got the bill. again. this is the second or third month in a row i had to pay by phone because i didnt get the bill. i talked to the operator and told her i hadn't been getting the bill and asked her to make sure i would receive the next bill.

i threw up when i got up again today. i've been throwing up pretty much every day but i haven't had diahrea in a while. most days i dont have much of an appetite. i'm usually in so much pain that eating just dont sound good at all. and i'm nausious so often. i'm nausous right now.

everyone is fed up with me cuz all i do is bitch and complain and i really dont mean to but i am just so miserable i cant think of anything else. i really am thankful for the stuff people do and try to do for me. i'm thankful for things like this computer even tho it dont seem like it. i'm just so sick of crying. i'm so sick of hurting. i'm so sick of feeling like shit. like right now i cant stop crying cuz my back is hurting so bad. it hurts to sit up even propped up with pillows. it hurts to lay down. when i lay down my legs hurt worse even when i prop them up or lay on my side. and it hurts to stand or walk. i tried to just go to sleep but i cant get comfortable and its worse just laying there not doing anything. if i can keep busy its a little easy. i dont have to listen to the thoughts and the inside people and just think about the pain. i just cant take this anymore and i dont know how to actually get anyone to actually help me. i've tried telling the doctors what i say online and they just completely ignore me. my neurologist said that we have to get the headaches under control before he can work on anything else but what good does getting the headaches under control do if i still cant function at all? i just cant get anyone to listen to me. i need someone that will make someone listen to me.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Goodbye Dr. Bellman, hello teeth

I saw Dr. Bellman for the last time. She was a good therapist I think. I hope she has a good life. She's very nice.

So I'm not longer in therapy. No longer on antidepressants or mood stabilizers. No longer on antipsychotics. Sounds like that means I'm doing good but it doesn't. I'm depressed. Anxious as hell (despite the highest dose of buspar the dr can give me) and the inside people are kind of loud tonight. Most of the depression is because i'm so tired of hurting. I'm always in pain. I have lortab in me right now which eased the pain enough to allow me to fix and then actually eat a can of soup but I'm still hurting. It's mainly my back but everything hurts. I don't feel good at all. I havne't felt "good" in a long long time. I hurt all over. My stomach hurts. My dinner isn't sitting well. I'm shaking. I just feel icky.

I spent over four hours at the dentist today but at least now I have front teeth. It's a temporary bridge. He told me to be very careful with it and he also told me I don't take good care of my teeth and that I need to be still. I can't help it but my leg is always shaking. Its the anxiety. I try so hard to control it but i can't keep still. Everyone is always scolding me for it. It's embarrrassing and frustrating. I hate it. I dont know how to make it stop.

I need everything to stop

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I missed Livingwell group yet again because I had a migraine so bad I could not see well enough to drive. Most of the day I have had to only look at the computer, tv, or book for short periods of time cuz my head hurts so bad.

Dr. Martin called and told me today was her last group so I will never see her again. There is a new therapist taking over the livingwell group that I have no met yet. I feel really bad about missing group again.

I feel like shit in general. The inhalor the pulmonologist gave me doesn't really doesn't do any good. I started topamax for migranes yesterday but it'll take at least a month to know if it'll even help. my stomach has been out of whack again. i'm depressed. i think thats mainly from being tired of feeling like shit. the inside people are pretty loud but no more than usual. i havent cut ina long time but its really really hard.

today i have to take the kids to school, mail dawggy my computer, and go to the dentist.

well i gotta do a couple things then try to catch a bit of sleep.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'm finally back!

My motherboard quit on my laptop a couple weeks ago. I had to get a new computer. A REALLY good friend helped me get a really good computer from a friend of his. It’s used but in great shape. The friend got a new one through his work. It’s an IBM ThinkPad. It’s smaller than my Dell Inspiron 6000 and that will take some getting used to but this is actually a better computer than the one I had so I’m not complaining.

I’ve been going nuts the last couple weeks. I cleaned out my closet and read a lot. My room is more of a disaster than ever now though, since my closet floor is now clean. I’m behind on school work but I am doing a list with Dawggy and school is right at the very top of the list. I’ve been calling Dawggy and Harmony, and my mom and grandma SEVERAL times every day since I didn’t have a computer. Everyone is glad I have a computer again. Dawggy set most of the stuff up on the computer for me so there’s just a few tweaks that need to be done as I go. Things like getting roboform things set up and settings on programs. Nothing big.

It’s so nice to be back. I was VERY lonely.

Thursday, March 6, 2008


I've felt like shit for like a couple weeks now. I'm weak and shakey and hurt all over. So much phlegm. It's hard to swallow. Nothing tastes good. Not hungry. Wake up every hour or two hurting or having trouble breathing.

My mom came over the beginning of the week or the weekend or last week I don't remember. She brought hannah and spent quite a bit of time cleaning. My car broke down last tuesday so it was in the shop for a little over a week. Mom paid the $600 for the timing chain or whatever it was called.

Mom and all the kids came over today to pick me up to take me to get my car. Mom was furious cuz my livingroom is scattered and I have a few dishes in the sink and I never got rid of the rug she ruined by putting in the wash machine. it shreaded all over the place. it didnt help that both her and grandma were already md at me. I slept through the first phone call today from my mom. They got a thing from the dmv today saying it was a delinguency notice that I never sent in the registration for my car. Grandma swears I went and had my car smogged when she gave me the bill and i said i'd send it in. that never happened. that was a year ago when my car was smogged. it only gets smogged every other year. i don't remember getting the bill for the tags at all this year. Now I've got $110 bill for the tags that I have no idea how i'm going to pay. after i pay all my bills, and buy groceries i have barely enough for gas throughout the month...sometimes I don't even have that. I guess I can skip tv dinners and snacks for the month and live on ramen, soup, and occassionally mac and cheese? maybe the clinic can help me with groceries. i hope so cuz other wise i'm scrwed.

i have school tomorrow night (thursday) and a doctors appt the following morning. It's going to be really hard to get there by 10am. i hope i don't get sleepy driving.

I think Dawggy is mad at me but I'm not sure exactly what I did. He hasn't talked to me in several days. it feels like everyone is upset with me and i just don't know how to fix it.

i don't feel good. i need to get my kitchen and livingroom straightened up but I get so weak and dizzy when I try to clean. i know its just an excuse. i've always got an excuse and i need to stop complaining and get off my lazy ass and do all the stuff thats expected of me no matter how much i hurt.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The pain-body is getting what it wants

I'm going to bitch and complain now:

My car broke down. My mom is being really great and helping me alot. She got my car towed. She paid for that. She got it to the mechanic who is going to look at it today. Last time my car was there they told me to get a different car as soon as possible because there was/is something seriously wrong with my engine and it would cost so much to fix I'd be much better off if I traded it in. My mom and me agreed and wanted to trade it in while we could but grandma has the last word on everything and wouldn't let us. Now I'm screwed. I have absolutely NO money right now. Once my car payment goes through I'll have about $10 in my checking. I'll get paid on the first. Thats just a couple days from now. I need groceries. I have soup and ramen and chicken nuggeets. nothing else. After I get food, and pay all my bills I have just enough to pay for gas. I guess now I don't have to worry about that at least for a while. but i NEED a car. i need to get to school. i need to get to the clinic. i need to get to the store. i need to get to dr appts. i can't depend on my mom to drop everything everytime i have somewehre to go. she's got too much to do already. I dont know how I'm gonna manage to get another car. they'll be a down payment. the payments will probably be higher. i can barely afford the $140 i've been paying.

I'm always in pain. I just cant stand it anymore. I am so thankful for the days when grandma gives me a lortab or two. Thats the only time I get any relief at all from the physical pain. all my neuro gave me was 1/2 an ativan twice a day. It dont' do shit for the pain. I have been taking one when i get really anxious and it helps the anxiety some. i know no doctor will give me lortab or any other narcotic. they think i'll become addicted and/or abuse it. I wont. I only take it when the pain gets to intollerable levels when even hiding doesnt help. I need relief. I can't take it anymore. The only thing that's ever really helped is the hydrocodone drugs. This means mostlikely I'll spend the rest of my life in more and more pain until it either kills me or I kill myself because it's the only way that the pain will ever stop.

I never get to do anythingor go anywhere or buy anything. Everything costs money and most months I'm lucky to have enough for gas. my friends dont even bother to talk to me anymore becuase they know i cant do anything and they cant afford to pay for me and i dont expect them to. they're too busy with their own lives anyway and i'm a total downer. they ask how have you been and i actually start telling them. i can't help it. i've got a big mouth and dont know how to keep enough to myself. the only ones that keep in contact with me is people i talk to online, including marcie. and my mom. i love talking to my friends online and the couple that i talk to on the phone too. it really makes my day when i get to talk to harmony and dawggy on the phone. i dont know how i ever made it through life before them. i've only known them for 4 years, never even met them in person, prolly never will, but it feels like they've always been there and been helping me and making things ok. my mom makes things ok sometimes and grandma sometimes to. and marcie but we dont get to talk much.

My pdoc makes me feel like he thinks I'm lying to him. I tell him what i feel like and he says you say you feeel depressed and anxious and such but ACTUALLY you are doing very good because you do not appear groggy. WTF does that have to do wiht the fears and the depression and the noise and the smells and the bad man etc? I was just starting to be able to talk to my therapist and now she's found another job someplace else. the same thing happened with my last therapist. and my case manager that was great. I actually like dr bellman a lot and it sucks that she's leaving. Now they'll stick me with yet another therapist that i'll have to get used to and by the time I do they'll leave too. no one sticks around there. and the few who dont go away arent helpfull. like dr policar and dr jay. ricardo tries to be helpful at least but i'm sure it wont be long before he starts looking for another job too. all the decent ones leave.

i never accomplish anything. my whole apartment is a big mess. theres dishes in the sink stuff piled up on the counter. stuff on the floor. my trash can smells even without trash in it. i have no idea how to clean it. i dont know how to do just about anything. i'm always breaking stuff like my keyboard and my car and ice tray and lots of other thinggs. i cant get myself to exercise. i cant go walking alone even with my headphones on. grandma would get so mad if i did anyways. i cant stand it when people are mad at me. i always worry i'm going to make someone mad because it happens so often. i'm lazy. i sleep all day and sit on my ass all night in front of the tv and the computer. and i cry every day and night. i try really hard and usually succeed in not letting anyone see it. at night when i try to accomplish stuff is when it hits me the worst, when I realize how little i actually do and how it'll never change. i hope to finish this stupid intro class this semester so I can get the stupid library tech certificate. i dont know what to do then. i cant work in a library. i would have to work during the day. i would have to be somewhere everyday. i would have to function every day. i don't function every day. the headches. the backpain. the inside people. the bad man. the noise. the tears. the responsibilities. the contact with other people. my teeth. my tendency to be too honest. the fear. the worry. the dizziness. the clumsyness. the confusion.
its not that i dont want to work. i feel guilty every month when i get money other people earned then had to give to the government to give to people like me but mostly unlike me. a lot of the people that get the ss money are physically unable to work. i can walk i can talk. i can do somemstuff even tho i cant do it very well. if you look at me you would say she's fat and ugly but able bodied and must be a lazyass taking advantage of the hard working tax payers. they'd be right. i should be working. i shouldnt need thhe government and other people pay for me to live. the government pays the bills and the food and the gas. my mom and grandma pay for school stuff, my car problems, and when i spend money on stuff i shouldnt have bought like christmaas presents and dont have enough left to pay the bills. i shouldnt be taking this money. i should just die so it'd save these people the money and trouble . I'd do the job for them but I can't hurt my mom and my best friends as bad as that would hurt them. they love me very much. I've never underestood what there is to love about me but they've found something. I've been crying for at least 3 hours now. i guess i'll laaay down and cry until i fall asleep.

I'm sorry. I've been working so hard to be positive. I really really have but i just can't find much to stay positive about. i just had to get the pain and fears and unhappiness into words. I will shut up and pretend everything is good. thats what lifes really about isnt it?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

getting close to bed time

Didn’t do much today. Slept until about three. Spent some time talking to Dawggy and Harmony. Talked to a couple other people in depchat and talked to zack. Did a little homework, did a little reading. Cleaned my bathtub. I took my last lortab today. I only take them when the pain gets unbearable. I am reading the book A new earth and its got me thinking. It feeds the ego to complain so I’m going to try harder to think of the positive and ignore the negative. It is not easy. That book really makes you think. It’s cool to be reading a book at the same time as a friend so we have some one to talk about the book with. The lortab has mostly worn off now and I’m starting to hurt again but its not as bad as before and I had quite a while without hurting bad. See…positive. Well its .almost 5 so I’m going to finish my sweeps and then sleep

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I miss "a"

Where have I been? What have I been doing? Who am I doing? Why am I doing? How am I doing? where really, just didn’t feel like blogging. I’ve been going to the clinic, making doctor appointments, chatting, and entering sweepstakes. I ain’t doing anyone (maybe I wouldn’t’ be so depressed if I were?) I have no idea why. I’m not doing too great, honestly.

This morning (it’s 5am atm) I haven’t even tried to lay back down yet because when I tried to lay down a couple hours ago I thought I was going to throw up or pass out right then and there. The room spun. So now I’m on the couch propped up by the cushions and a few pillows. I couldn’t sit completely up anymore because my back is killing me but I’m afraid to even try to lay down. Everything I’ve eaten for the last day or two has tasted wrong, mostly nasty. I can’t help but think someone in on the plan is poisoning my food. I don’t know what the plan is but they must have a plan. My stomach hurts.

The inside people have been particularly loud lately. I’ve also been hearing other things like an alarm clock or the rain and such. I have seen the bad man in my room. I try to avoid going in there now that I’m able to have my computer in the livingroom. I’ve even been sleeping in here on the couch instead of in my bed. He’ll get us there. I keep feeling the invisible bugs and nothing tastes right. I’ve been crying a lot and VERY anxious lately. My leg is always bouncing fast and I get so scared so easily of little things. I’ve been told it’s just paranoia or delusions about the photographers and the meetings with the plan. I don’t know. I want to cut now, I want to cut all the time.

I’ve been hurting worse than usual lately. Worse headaches more often/longer lasting. My back has been bothering me more too. My hands and feet hurt from the Raynauds. I don’t know why my shoulders, arms, and legs hurt. My stomach and chest hurt sometimes too. My chest especially hurts when I’m very scared.

I am really sick of being broke all the time. I cant go anywhere or buy anything. I try to eat ramen and soup often because it’s cheaper and I don’t have to buy groceries so often. I need to get my teeth fixed but I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it because medical won’t cover a bridge and even with payment plan I don’t know how’d I do it. Some months I over draw my account as it is just by doing something like buying a birthday gift or spending too much on groceries. I hate it. And I know I’ll be poor for the rest of my life. I’ve never been rich. My mom always struggled for money but she’s always made sure we have everything we need and most of what we want. I’m just a spoiled little brat that’s just not being catered to anymore. I need to get a job but there’s just no way I could work a day job. My body’s just wired wrong. I don’t know any night jobs I can do. I can’t really do a lot because my back has gotten so bad and I’m just not responsible or good at anything. I’m a clumsy idiot. I just never get anything right. I’m always screwing up. The other night I broke the “A” key on my keyboard so now I have to type really slow because when I type normal I almost aalways miss hitting the hole just right. I have to hit it in the center now. The missing key throws my whole hands off.

Two of my best friends are sick and I can’t do anyting about it but I make it worse by complaining about all my stupid problems. No one needs to know I’m crying or scared or depressed or hurting. I need to learn to just shut up and listen.

It's after 6am and I have 2 appointments tomorrow/todaay (wednesday). Neuro at 3 and pdoc right after that. So now I'll shut up and stop complaining and cry my dumbass to sleep. I'm sorry...

Sunday, February 17, 2008

just a vent

I get bad headaches all the time. I see a neurologist for it. (He's not really all that helpful). I also see him for my back (slipped disc). Both have been really bad lately. I also have Raynaud's and that's been acting up a lot due to weather. Last couple days EVERYTHING hurts all the time. Even after taking Lortab. I've got a bit of a cough. I think I've been running a fever but I don't have a thermometer. I am freezing one moment, burning up the next. No happy medium. Mostly freezing. My chest hurts. I jsut feel icky.

The semester strts this thursdy for me. I had to borrow money for my text books which was about $100 for just 2 classes. One of the books was used. Book prices are just ridiculous. I have $50 coming from blingo but who knows when I get that. I'll have to pay back the textbook money with it and then pay the rest later. THeres a couple things I need for school like some new pens and pencils and something to put my pens and stuff in cuz the spacesaver box I used last semester got smashed. So have evvery other pencil holder of some kind. I had to buy ink. Both b&w and color. Fortunatly I spent less on groceries than usual cuz the store was so picked over. (Lots of ramen this month). I just hope I don't over draw my account again. It's happened a few times during the past year since I've had my own apartment.

My psychiatrist is an ass and a moron. I've asked for another one but no one else at the clinic will take my case after my old one gave up on me. (I don't respond well to medications). He took me off the anxiety med. I'm really depressed. Really anxious. Having other "symptoms" too.

I have 2 teeth missing in the front and a third thats only half there. Medi-cal won't cover fixing it (they say it's cosmetic). I'm really self concious when I go out. But going outt is really rare. I go to doctor appointsments and to my moms. And about once a month I go grocery shopping. The only people I ever talk to besides my mom I talk to online. Once in a while I'll talk to Dawggy and his wife on the phone. I'll start going to school next week but I'm painfully shy and self consiouc about my teeth and such so I don't really initiate conversation or speak up in class. Just about everyone in the classes have taken the other library science classes with me but they all have their friends and do the assignments with each other but I don't have anybody. I've just got this semester and I'll get a library technician certificate but not the degree. I want the degree but I still have several general ed classes to take. I can't really work right now. I live on disability right now but hope to get a job in the future once my physical problems and mental problems are under control. (If that ever happens).

I just feel so lost and hopeless. I enter sweeps, I chat with a few people, I read these forums, I read, I watch tv, and I eat, and I sleep. Thats bout it. It's hard to get exercise because it just hurts so much to move. I'm laying on the couch right now. I often sit on the couch with lots of pillows. Until recently I was stuck at a desk because wireless was not working.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

It's wednesday night and I am home and watching tv but it's not really been a relaxing day. Not stressfull but not relaxing. My alarm went off at 7am because the Housing Authority inspector was scheduled to come between 7:30am and 4:30pm. I set my alarm clock to go off every ten minutes and my computer to make noises every half hour. I layed back down on the couch after I brushed my teeth and stuff and got dressed and did some last minute tidying up. I didn't actually get into a good sleep after that. I don't remember what time the inspector came. I think about 10:30 or 11am. Once he left I layed back down on the couch and slept a while. Then I got up and called Marcie to tell her that I would meet her at my moms house at 5pm. I then got in bed and slept until my alarm went off at umm about 3:15. My alarm clock in the bedroom is an hour and fifteen minutes fast so that when I have to get up in the morning and I'm half asleep I don't remember that it is fast and get up because I think I'm going to be late. Shortly after my alarm went off I was still laying in bed waiting for it to go off again when Harmony called. I then got up and talked to her and took my meds. After that I didn't do much for a while then got on OLS and started entering some of the single entry sweeps.

At 4pm I went and got my mail. I got some junk but I did get a wonderful homemade Valentines card from a good friend, Tara, from #depressionchat. After that I went to my moms house. Just before 5 marcie called my cellphone and said they'd be over in a little while. We finally exchanged Christmas presents. I got the game of Life twists and turns, a huge bottle of germ-x, a stapler, a happy bunny box calander, honey, the new rascal flatts cd, and hair detangiler. I also got 2 kinds of green tea. Blueberry and Raspberry. I've had the blueberry kind before and loved it. I tried the raspberry tonight and it's really good.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Today was a bad day

The day started out okay. Dawggy called around 11am and woke me up because I had asked him to. I got up without too much trouble. I ate a blueberry bagel with a little bit of cream cheese around 11:30am or noon or so. I entered some sweeps. I talked to Dawggy and another friend online but I don't remeber who it was. I think it was someone in #depressionchat but I'm not even sure of that. At about one I went and brushed my teeth and such and then came back in my room and got dressed. My back and head were hurting but it wasn't that bad. As the day went on both got worse. I made it to group in time. We talked about the feelings behind anger. I participated more than usual. But I had brought one of thoses one liter bottles of the carbonated flavored waters from costco. During group I tried to open it. It had not been dropped or shaken but the stupid thing exploded anyways, interupting group and getting my pants wet. I was/am so mad at myself. I should have opened the bottle slower. I'm such an idiot.

After group I had to see my psychiatrist, who scares me and makes me feel very small in a sense but really fat in another. I always dread seeing him and I can't wait to get out of his office when I'm there. I find that doctor rude and mean. I don't understand why people say he's such a good doctor. I feel stupid, fat, crazy, and like I'm wasting his precious time. He always makes me feel this way. My stomach was growling in his office really loud so I told him I was hungry. He told me it was making noise because I eat too much and that for someone my size I did not need to eat anything else. I told him all I had eaten today was a bagel that morning. I saw him at like 4:30pm. He told me that bagels are filling and I should not be hungry. I hate seeing him. I usually cry all the way home. I want to cut so bad tonight. I've been trying very hard to keep busy and not cut but Idon't know how much longer I can deal.

After seeing Dr. Jay I saw the med nurse and got a weeks worth of medicine. I asked him to change the welbutrin because he had me taking two pills in the morning with the invega and then another pill in the afternoon and then I also have night meds. I can't remeber to take a pill in the middle of the day. He said I could take it at night. He increased the invega from 6mg to 9mg. I've been on 9 before. Antipsychotics are pretty much useless for me. It don't kill them. I don't think any pill can. The way the bubble packs are this week due to the med change I felt confused when I took my night meds tonight. I think I took them right tho.

On the way home I had a panic attack in the car. I wanted out of the car so bad. I needed to get away from all those other cars. I was shaking and crying when I got home and it took me a long time to get over it. I wish the doctor would give me something for anxiety I can take when it gets bad. He took me off the buspar. I wish he'd give me ativan or something. I'm afraid to ask him though. It was hard enough asking for the afternoon pill changed to a different time. I am really shy I think. I can't talk to authority figures at all. Anyone that can put me in the hospital if I say the wrong thing makes me worried. I don't want to go to the hospital, it just makes everything worse. It's never helped me.

I am crying a lot lately. Most days it's several times. I don't even usually know why I'm crying. Any little thing can make me cry. I'm crying now. My nose is snotty from crying so much. My eyes hurt. My back is hurting really bad right now. I moved wrong again and it felt like someone took a big butcher in my back and twisted it. All I have is tylenol and it don't do shit. My heads been hurting all day too. And the noise of the clinic was getting to me bad. I had my ipod and was able to drown out most of the overlapping clutters of noise all around me. I know I must have looked crazy because I kept feeling someone looking at me and being right behind me so I kept turning around to look. I felt so scared. I know it must have been those people who sneak around taking pictures. I've only told one or two people about them and they just tell me there is no one there but I know there is. I see the flashes from the cameras sometimes.

I was reading the book Stand like mountain, flow like water earlier and I felt really confused because there was a story in the book that I knew I had read already so I thought I was on the wrong page but none of the rest of the part I was reading looked familiar. I found the story online and that helped knowing where I'd read it, Tara had forwarded it to me.

I'll shut up now and try to stop crying and try to keep myself busy and not cut but I think I have to cut tonight. I'm sorry.

Saturday, February 2, 2008


Not much happening in my life right now. I go back to school on the 19th. My therapist keeps talking about me doing stuff outside the house. That's hard for me. I get so anxious when I'm around people I don't know unless I have a friend with me. Ricardo wants me to walk. My grandma don't want me to go outside at all. There have been several shootings in this area. I don't want to go walking anywys because I don't have anyone to walk moms on the phone....i'll say more later..

Monday, January 28, 2008

kylee's birthday

We went to the Old Spaghetti Factory for kylee's birthday. her girlfriend trisha called 4 times while we were there telling kylee to hurry up. kylee rushed us all so she could get to the movies with trica. she didnt even come home and let us sing happy birthday and have cake. she don't want to do anything with her family at all. she acted aggravated that she had to spend even part of her birthday with her family. i know a lot of teenagers dont like hanging out with their family but they dont have to be downright hateful.

my therapist is coming to my house tomorrow. i still have a little bit of cleaning to do tonight and i want to finish sweeps. following a list right now.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Another day, just the same as always. How are you? I don't know. I really don't. I'm so lost. I'm so tired. Not the kind of tired that going to bed will fix. This tired is different. It's the exhaustion that comes from sharing body and mind with the inside people. The exhaustion that comes from always hurting. My back has been so bad lately. Last night was the worste. I couldnt get comfortable laying down. I couldnt get comfortable sitting up. I took a hot shower, took a baclofen I found in a box I didnt know i still had. I have 2 more. I also took tylenol. The pain goes down my right leg. It got a little better after all that but I was still in quite a bit of pain. My hands and lower arms and my feet and lower legs all always either hurt or are asleep. The headaches have not decreased despite taking elavil everynight. The doc said the longer i take it the better it'd work but i've been taking it for several months now. I see the neuro again next week. I'm going to tell him the pain is so bad I cant even function and it's true. Between it all I just can't even thrink straight a lot of the time. The raynaud's is worse this year. I think its that causing the arm/leg thing but its never done that before. always just hands and feet. my left hand is worse than right hand which sucks cuz i'm left handed. I hate living. I'm so sick of being in pain. I don't want to do it anymore.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I just at a sorbet. It was cold. I was already cold. I didn't manage get out of bed until like 6pm. I suck. I never do anything right. I didn't wash the dishes last night and when I made chicken nuggets tonight i knocked my roll of papertowels into the pan full of water that is soaking from the mac and cheese i made last night. Ruined the whole damn roll. I never do anything right. Once again I have no meds. I left my purse at my moms house last night on accident and I didn't go get it today. I didn't do anything today. I ate. I watched tv and I chatted with marcie and dawggy. thats it. now i'm doing a list. i still need to explain to topaz about my list.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

itts hard to swallow

I've been having a hard time swallowing for the past several days. I've also been acheing all over. My back has been hurting worse than usual and sometimes the pain is in my leg too. Theres been short periods of time when it hurts so bad that I couldnt walk very well. My headaches have been pretty bad this weekend/week. I hurt all over. All weekend I've hurt bad. Today my stomach and back hurt more because I started my damn dot. I went to the clinic today but I was supposed to be there at 9:30am and I didn't get there until about 1:30pm. Gabby, the med nurse, gave me my meds for tonight , told me I didn't have to go to IOP anymore because it's not helping because I just can't get there that early in the day very well. I missed my pdoc appointment and have my next one in two weeks. I have to go to the clinic tomorrow and get a week's worth of medicine. I have to talk to ricardo tomorrow too.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I'm F.I.N.E.

Doing a list. Pretending to be fine. So many thoughts. So much noise. It's so hard not to cut, not to make it quiet down. I'm trying though. I don't know why though. I eventually do it most of the time so why don't I just get it over with and feel some relief sooner? But that makes people mad at me. I can't stand it when people are mad at me. My head hurts. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. My arms and legs hurt. My back hurts a little. I just hurt all over. I've taken tylenol but I'm still hurting. I need something stronger. I miss having vicodin. It actually helped. Lortab helped even more. When you ask for those drugs though they don't want to give them because if you take more than you're supposed to it can be used as a recreational drug. Or sold for that purpose. I just want the pain to stop. Both the inside pain and the physical pain. Why won't it stop?

Saturday, January 19, 2008

pain and numbness

My arms and legs keep hurting and when they're not hurting they're numb. My hands and feet have always done this. That's why I was diagnosed with Raynaud's disease when I was in 7th grade. Raynaud's is onl supposed to affect the hands, feet, nose, and ears I thought. But I could be wrong. I usually am. I see the neurologist on the 30th and i'll ask him and if he ddon't know what to do i'll make an appointment with my regular doctor and talk to him about the numbenss and the pain and my equilibrium.

I broke my tree :(

A year or two ago Harmony made me this ceramic tree at clubhouse. I've kept it on my desk shelf ever since. I liked to have it where I could see it. It reminded me how giving my friends are. Well today I bumped the desk again, pretty hard. The tree came flying at me and hit the floor next to me and shattered. I just want to cry. Harmony said accidents happen and she'll make me something else when she goes back to clubhouse. I'm glad she's not mad at me. I told my mom and she said well you shouldn't have stuff like that on your shelves anyways and you shouldn't bump the desk.

I hate myself...

Friday, January 18, 2008

slept hard

Last night I set my alarm for noon. It didn't wake me up. Harmony and Dawggy tried to make as much noise on the computer as possible, which usually wakes me up. Harmony called me. Topaz called me. I slept through all of that. When Harmony called me a second time I heard it and answered and got up. That was about 1:30pm I think.

My apartment is clean, except the closet. The closets bad. I've been really bored today. I probably called my mom half a dozen times or more. I sent my mom tons of emails. Forwards I've saved in gmail for as long as two years.

We were thinking of going back to Disneyland this sunday but Dillon has a throat infection and an ear infection so we will probably wait until next week. I don't care either way.

I've been talking to topaz a lot lately. online and on the phone. she's very nice and funny. She's having a really hard time right now tho. I try to be there for her as much as possible and distract her from her inside people. She's a lot like me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

the inspection

A lady from housing authority came about eleven this morning. She had this tiny little notebook computer with a touchscreen and a pen to touch it with. She asked a few questions, tested the smoke detector, looked at the waterheater, and sat for a few minutes doing something on her computer. She said the water heater needs a second earthquake strap. She also complained that she couldn't walk through a path from the front house driveway to my apartment, and had to drive around to the alley.

I'm glad that's over.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sunday and monday

On sunday I got up early but not as early as I'd planned. I had set my alarm but forgot to turn it on so I didn't get up til mom called. The 6 of us went to Disneyland. Grandma got mad at us for not coming home until like 11pm. She wanted us home by dark. I lost my annual pass. We got good seats for the fireworks. They cancelled the fireworks due to mild winds.

On monday I slept. I was supposed to leave at 9am to get to the clinic. Slept right through the alarm. Mom called. I went back to sleep. Eventually it was too late to go. I had a dentist appointment at 3pm but according to the dentist it was at 2:30 but I know it was supposed to be at 3pm because when I'd made the appointment I told them I could not get there until at least 3pm. The dentist appointment was because my bridge came out and this time broke the took that held it in into pieces. That bridge cannot be put back in now. Mom called. I fell back asleep. Dentist called moms house since I wasn't there at 2:30. Mom called me, mad. I called the dentist. By then it was too late to go. They can't get me in until a week from tuesday.

Monday night I talked to Topaz and she called me. She helped me clean my room by keeping me moving and telling her what I was doing and giving me suggestions. I got quite a bit done but there is still more to do. Mom is coming in the morning while I am at the clinic. I have to leave for the clinic at 9:00am. I have IOP until 2pm. Then I have to get my meds. Then I have to go to living well group, which I will be late for because of IOP. That ends at 3:30 so I should be home by 4pm. When I get home I'll need to go get my mail and send out my car insurance bill. I have already written the check.

On wednesday housing authority is coming to inspect my apartment. Not sure what time. They gave me a large window they will come sometime during.

I have tried to be not negative in this post but I doubt I've succeeded. I'm sorry.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I am a negative person

I can't help it. I'm always negative no matter how hard I try to be positive and fine. What am I going to do about it? I'm gonna STFU. I will no longer call or instant message anyone unless it is necessary. When I do call or instant message anyone I will not talk about myself, my life, my feelings, or anything that could be considered negative. I will talk about what needs to be talked about then leave whoever it is alone. I will continue to sit in the chatrooms I live in (manicdepression, depressionchat) and will say hi to people who come in either. I will not volunteer any information about myself. I will not join channels like #bus unless I absolutely have nothing else to do and when I do go in a chatroom I will sit queitly. I'm just going to leave people alone. If you need someone to talk to, I'll listen. I'll still be longed in just like always but I will no longer IM people or call people. I'm just ignored most of the time anyway so I don't know why I even talked to anyone to begin with. I'm sorry. I'm going to shut up now before I get any more negative.


3:35am and a list

I'm listening to my ipod on my ihome and following a list. I'm trying to do each thing on the list for the length of one song. The goal is to do the things I NEED to do for AT LEAST the length of a song (things like cleaning) and the things I don't really need to do for no more than the length of a song (such as myspace and email).

I slept til about 4:20 or so at least so I have been up for about 11.5 hours now. Lately thats a long time for me. I am feeling stressed because my apartment is a mess and I've got until the 16th (it's now the less than 6 days) to get it clean because Housing Authority will be inspecting it.

The list I'm using:

1. journal
2. floor/bed/closet
3. music
4. ols
5. email
6. classicheartland/bleuteam/
7. laundry
8. me
9. kitchen
10. livingroom/bathroom/hallway
11. blog
12. winzy/blingo
13. desk/tv/dresser/nightstand
14. read
15. myspace/e2
16. pictures
17. dishes
18. journals/magazines
19. backup
20. mail/lists/school

1. paper notebook
3. mostly putting music on computer so I can put it on my ipod later
6. sweeps/emails I primarily use for sweeps
8. food/drink/potty etc
12. and (search engines that give you a chance to win a prize with every search)
14. Currently reading "Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water" by Brian Luke Seaward, PH.D.
15. e2 is (spending most of this time on tho)
16. sometimes scaning pictures, other times uploading pictures, sometimes finding pics online to use in myspace comments etc.
18. I have a journal that me and Marcie write back and forth in (which I need to find) and a journal I write back and forth in with Harmony. Magazines is cutting out pictures and words to paste into journals and whatever else from old magazines that pile up in my place.
19. Saving all the files on my computer that I don't want to lose either on a cd or on the web because I'm going to have to reinstal windows soon and will lose everything on my computer.

I think everything else is pretty easy to figure out. If theres anything anybody is unsure of theres a little comment button...

Well I obviously spent waaaay too much time doing this (4 or 5 songs) so it's time to move on.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

CEC and more


That's me and my mom at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday. I was laughing at my mom and at Hannah doing everything she could to mess up every picture. She'd run up and cover the camera lense right before the pic was taken. So we'd try to hold her back and she'd do everything she could to mess up the picture, trying to get away, lifting her leg way up to block the lens with her foot, etc.

I was supposed to go go the clinic today but instead I stayed in bed until after 4pm. I'm so stupid. I didn't get my stupid pills. I didn't go to IOP. I missed my therapy appointment AGAIN. I never do anything right. I cut again a little while ago. My therapist must think I'm avoiding her. I'm not. I just can't get myself out of bed. I haven't even been doing much online lately. I get cold, I get frustrated, I get bored with what I'm doing, I get lonely, or whatever, it doesn't really matter...I just go get in bed. That and cutting is my answer to everything now. And once I'm in bed I stay there for hours and hours and hours. Often from like midnight until like five pm. I don't do anything anymore. I just don't want to. I just want to die.

When asked I say I'm "ok" or at least "ok i guess". I laugh and smile while the inside people chant "die bitch die" or tell me i'm a "fucking loser" or sometimes laugh at me. Elly isn't mean, Helen isn't mean. They're just kids. They uusally just do kid things. laugh and play and be silly. lately they cry a lot. the other inside people scare them. i like some of the inside people like elly and helen but some of them like david are really mean and scary.

I'm there for my friends. I care about and love my friends. I worry about Marcie sometimes. Today I called to check on her and ask her if she or her boyfriend knows how to hook up dvd players and Wii's, but mainly to see how she's doing. Tonight an online friend came into #depressionchat and she was feeling really really bad. suicidal. i gave her all the lies and a few truths she needed to hear to make it through the night. things will get better. people love you and would be hurt if you died (true!). things can't get worse. i care about you (true). Etc. Etc. I'm almost always able to be there for everyone else. I listen. I tell them I understand. I respond to what they say. I agree with them or as gently as possible I tell them why I don't agree with them. I try to give them feedback. Mostly I just keep them company and let them know I'm listening. Nanny says I should major in psychology and help agoraphobics online or something.

Ok, well, I'm done rambling for the moment. I have less than a week before they come inspect my apartment and it's in no shape to have people look at it. I need to try to make progress on it before I go back into hiding.


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