Thursday, April 15, 2004

March 8, 2002

I told myself I wouldn't [daylog] for a while but I guess I lied. I did something last night that I need to write out in hopes it'll help me understand it.

Last night [I cut again.] I meant to cut. I needed it. But I cut more than I meant to and I used the [blood] to write. In my journal/notebook that I use to write everything, and I mean everything. School work goes in there, phone numbers, appointments, random thoughts, song lyrics, just anything and everything. It's just a standard spiral notebook. Well now there is the word "[BEAUTIFUL]" written in [blood]. I don't know why I did that and regret it horribly. I'm so scared now. What if my mom or someone, anyone happens to pick up the notebook and sees that in there??? I don't want to go back to the hospital again. I know what I did was wrong. Very wrong. None of the cuts are bad but there are several and I'm afraid someone will see them. The worst part is the [blood] stain in the notebook though. I can't just rip that page out either.

Something really scary is that I have the blade with me. It's sharp. The [restroom]...well I can't help but think how good it would feel to cut just a bit. I probably won't but I might. Just a little to vent the [frustration] of the day. I am just so confused and [demented|twisted].

Good news though is that I have a check. It's for $72. Not bad for sitting with a bratty second grader for a total of 12 hours while he does his homework and help him when he needs it. The kid don't like me much. At first he thought I was [funny] but now he realizes I mean it when I correct him. The only way I can get him to do his work is by bribing him with cookies and candy and such. It works and I don't really feel that [guilty] about it. He's not well behaved because his parents let him and his younger brothers get away with anything. I don't. I'm pretty strict. I have yelled at him. Anyways, now I just have to figure out how to cash the check. I think I may buy myself something. I shouldn't. I should save the money and I may do that, unless a [CD] or some [candy] catches my eye. hehe.

Ok so I'll shut up now. I think I have a thing or two in my [notebook] that could be turned into a decent node or two. I'll go see.



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