Thursday, April 15, 2004

From the homenode and the scratchpad

The following section and the information it refers to located on my scratchpad will be removed soon, may find a new home for it if I do the location will be here for a short while.

Please accept my great thankfullness for everyone's help. Most notably of course is [siouxsie]. So many wonderful people...

I will write a daylog or [E2 Scratch Pad|something] later, i am still gathering details on the aftermath of her suicide attempt and my interference.
I do know this: She would not have told us what she had done if she had really not wanted help as she claims. She will be fine now. Was taken to hospital. I have not spoken to her personally since. She refuses to speak to me out of anger. That's fine. I'd rather her be okay and hate me than to have her trust me and be dead or worse. Others have spoken with her and say she will be okay. I'm sorry for any problems I caused here on e2. It was not a joke and it was not, as someone seemed to have thought, me asking for help for myself. I am not feeling well today...I am confused and need to gather my thoughts some more. I will be writing something later and depending on what i end up writing it will either be in this spot or posted as a write up. if i am not making sense i apologize. when/if i can make sense i'll explain better.

Thanks again all involved in any way. i looked at catbox archive and realized how much people cared. thanks

I have received tons of /msgs and IM’s asking “What happened?” and you all deserve an explanation. The names and identifying details have been changed, but the following is based on the actual chartroom conversation that took place in a bipolar support room. Please note the typos are left for a reason. The only nickname listed that was actually used in the room is my own. I am not including any of the private messages. I will explain what was said in them however.

Session Start: Mon Mar 29 03:26:02 2004 PST

Milly: wb [bluebird_is_sad|birdy]

Genny: hi bridy

jbirdy: hi

Milly: Genny please call EMS if you can't

drive or call a friend and get to the hospital

Genny: > i dont drive anyway

Milly: please i'm begging you. i

care about you and don't want to see anything bad

happen to you.

Genny: > i don'thave a [friend|firend]

Genny: > [mental illness|i don't believe in hospitals]

Milly: this time you need to believe in


Genny: > i lost my glasses in the [drowning|surfd]

Genny: > surf

Milly: that's ok you can get new glasses

Genny: > i [almost|alosst] choke in enought water to


Genny: > die

Genny: > but it[scared|scred] me and i turned around

Genny: > i'm a wuss

jbirdy: i'm glad you turned around

Genny: > i was lucky i made it home ok

Milly: but you didn't. you didn't want to

die. but if you don't get to the hospital you might

or you might wind up with permanent liver or [kidney

Genny: > i [want|wanmt] to die. [Overdose|let's het tjay]

straight this just wasn't the way to do it

Milly: what if you don't die from the

pills and just damage your liver or kidneys?

* Joins: mitch

{irrelevant conversation}

Milly: birdy call oscar and see if he has

genny's phone number and have him call her

Genny: why would i want to [damage|damamahe] my

liver [or|ofr] [kidneys}kidkneys>] so [WTF?|uvk faster waus of dfimt ot]

Milly: genny you're not making any sense

Genny: oscar [doesn’t|doewsn't] have my phone number

jbirdy: are u just saying that genny cuz you

don’t want me to call him or does he really not have


Genny: he doesn't [have|habe] it

Milly: mitch we got a situation going on

with genny right now so hang on ok

mitch: oh okay, i understand

jbirdy: ok genny

jbirdy: Genny where are you?

Genny: at home

jbirdy: is there anyone that lives with you?

Genny: nope

jbirdy: do you have family nearby?

Genny: nope

jbirdy: can you walk next door and tell them

you are sick and need to go to the hospital?

Milly: gen has taken an od

Genny: i'm [all|allll] alone in [the big|th ebig] [Hell if I know|fity] with

nothing to [do|fo] bit [figure|figire] out [suicide methods|ways to die]

jbirdy: Genny, there is help. there are

reasons to live

what did you take Genny

Genny: no [hospitals|hopisatalis]

Genny: [klonopin] and atibam

Milly: klonopin and [ativan]

Genny: hasn't [even|vene] kicked in yet

jbirdy: when did you take it?

Milly: you're typing says differently

Genny: about an hour and a half ago

jbirdy: then it has kicked in, and if you

look back on the way you are typing you will see it

Genny: but i don't feel funny

jbirdy: i bet if you really thought about it

you'd realize your breathing is shallower than usual

Milly: genny you need to call [EMS] and at

least let them come and check you out

Genny: no

Milly: why not?

Genny: [because|bedcause] [I’ve|i'be] had too [many|meuy] [emergency medical services|ems] guys,

and cops and [?|bultureas] and [hospital|hspital] er rooms picking [over|ober] me [recently|refcetnly]

jbirdy: Genny you need help. you know

this, or you wouldn’t be in a support chat room

Milly: why was that?

Genny: [psychosis|osychosis] and [depression|deressions]

Milly: and your depressed again

Genny: yes

Milly: then you know you need to go

Genny: no i don't

jbirdy: Genny how much of the medications

did you take?

Genny: [I don’t know|idunmoo] 25 .5 mg ativans, and 15 1mg klonopin

Genny: [I think I’ll live|i tihink i'lll libe]

Genny: live

jbirdy: but if you don’t get treated you may

seriously injure your liver.

Genny: i [hope|hoipe] i kill [liver|it]

jbirdy: Genny you are not making much


Genny: how am i supposed to [make sense|maek semse]


Genny: bordy?

Genny: birdy:

jbirdy: Genny, please pick up the telephone

and call someone, anyone.

Milly: genny we know you came here for

help and support and the best help and support we can

give you is to tell you to get to a hospital ER to be

treated for your overdose and depression

Genny: no i don't want to

jbirdy: Genny, WHY do you want to die?

Genny: mainly [because|bedcuase] [I’ve|i'be] wanted to die
for14 [years|uears] [on and off|on a nd orfrf], and [nothing|nothgin] ever gets

better [Losing hope|than doesnt get worke again]

things get better Genny, it just

takes time, yes it seems like things dont, but they

do. death doesnt solve anything. it only causes alot

more problems.

Genny: [each|easc]h time it gets [worse|wirse], it gets [a lot worse|a

oit wors]

jbirdy: Genny, if you die i and many other

people would be very upset. things do get better, and

you know it.

mitch: what is it that is the worst right

now Genny

Milly: maybe oscar has tappers phone number

Genny: i have tappers phone number

Genny: what does that solver

hun, what state do you live in if

you dont mind me asking

Milly: does tappers have your phone number

Genny: i live in [California|an=lifronia]

jbirdy: california?

mitch: i live in california too Genny

Genny: yea that one

jbirdy: me too Genny

what city are you near?

jbirdy: where in california?

Genny: norhtern

i see, what major city do you live


Genny: [San Fransisco|san franfisco]

mitch: how far do you live from that

Genny: i [live|libe] in it

mitch: oh okay

* joins brownie

Milly: hi brownie

jbirdy: hi brownie

Genny: hi brony

[suicide hotline|(415) 781-0500]

Genny call that number

Genny: [What is it?|whts is it>]

its a help hotline. in your area

Genny: idon't want to [deal|feal] with a help

hotline [excuse|esxceuse] my rudeness

mitch: i understand, but they will tell

you what to do and can direct you on what you can do

Genny: they all =say the same things [have|jabe]

the same training

mitch: well listen to them, they might say

something useful, i use the one here in LA

mitch: they really want to help you

Genny, and so do we, thats why you should call that

number or check your self in the ER.

genny, i am so sorry you are having

a hard time right now

Genny: yeah me too

jbirdy: Genny if your sorry that means you

know you need help

jbirdy: please call that phone number

Milly: genny what ever you do don't go to

sleep ok

Genny: [I almost killed myself tonight|i almost kid=lled muself toniite]

so sorry love

mitch: Genny, do it for us :) call the

number. you will feel alot better i promise, then come

back here and we will take it from there

Genny: doubt that's going to [happen|happrn]

wish we could do more than listen

Genny: milly

mitch: listen to that part of you Genny

that wants to get help.

jbirdy: Genny does anyone from this chat

room have your phone number?

Milly: you need to stay awake

Genny: just nutter and tappers and marge

jbirdy: ok does ANYONE here have a way of

getting ahold of any of them?

Milly: birdy see if oscar has any or their

numbers. he may have nutter’s

jbirdy: i can't use the's not mine

but i have a friend who can call him for me

Genny: i have meeem's too

Milly: ok

Genny: but they're all [asleep|asleeo]

Milly: genny we all want what is safe for

you right now and since going to the hospital is out

of the question per you then you need to stay awake.

make yourself some strong coffee

* Joins: tapper

hi tapper


Milly: tapper please call genny right

away. she took an od

so tired word down exhausted

spoke with her two hours last


she is determined to do this

Milly: she took klonopin and ativan and

won't go to the hospital

if we want to send 911, I have

her address

I cannot do it

Milly: yes please do that


I will give you thi information

Genny: (((((((((((((tapper)))))))))))))))))

Milly: ok

genny, what the hell isup?

aside from you I mean

Genny: i don't want you to do any mor3e

that you are capable of

jbirdy: give the address in a pm

Milly: tapper pm

Genny: no no address

Genny: no hopital

genny, you knowif I do this

there wiill be ambulances etc

Genny: no fuckintg emtos

Genny: emtos

Genny: fuck that

jbirdy: Genny please just accept the help

Genny: tapper, i will never speak to you

aahin if you gibe my address out

Milly: tapper please pm me

do not break Gennys privacy

jbirdy: i think it's necessary for her own


Milly: it's no longer about privacy

it's about a life and her safety.

jbirdy: Genny is very important to us. we

need her to be okay and the only way we can insure her

safety is by breaking her privacy.

Genny: that's bullshit milllly. i'm tying

you perfectly rationallly although my typos leavge

somthing to be siesired. EMTS wiol not help

Milly: you guys don't understand we are

running out of time here?

Milly: please pm me

tap, what is yoour call on


mitch: i agree with brownie

I am exhausted, nothhing makes

sence tome

you have level head

jbirdy: tapper if you don't get an ambulance

to Genny she could die

if you break her trust she will

never trust any of us again

mitch: brownie is right

Milly: tapper she took these meds 2 hrs

ago. she could face possible permanent liver or

kidney damage

Genny: tapper, if you call EMTs i will blam

nutters for giving you my ane

Genny: name

this is a horrific fucking game

I am out of it

Genny, please just call the

number i gave you, it will solve everything

* Quits: tapper

mitch: we want to help you, we dont want

to break your trust, we dont want anything to happen

to you, please call the number

Genny: whta is the hnhukber agian

mitch: (415) 781-0500

mitch: its the right thing to do

Genny: what is it mitch?

mitch: it is (415) 781-0500

Genny: i;m going to go

mitch: Genny are you going to call

jbirdy: are you going to call?

Genny: do what you all want

mitch: Genny, call that number

Genny: since none of you lnow my name


jbirdy: Genny we can find out

Genny: take fare

jbirdy: we care about you Genny

Genny: ad if i see the EMTs I will never

truse anyone of you again

jbirdy: we don't want you to hurt we want you

to get help

jbirdy: Genny i dont care if you never

trust me, at least i'd know you were okay

don't go Genny

stay here with us

mitch: stay with us Genny, :)

jbirdy: i'd rather lose your trust than lose

your life. you are an important person who has helped

me and many others here just by being you.

* jbirdy is now known as [Dissociative Identity Disorder|bluebirdy]

Genny are you still with us?

mitch: Genny please answer

Genny: i [think|thin] [you|yoyu] alll have to decide

which is moreimortant to upiu, my truest, or a

uqwestionae hopstial stary for whoifh i would holf all

of you resonisbile foir

Genny: i would hte t o habve to shun you


mitch: the only thing you should hold us

responsible for is trying to help you Genny

Genny: hlep schmelp

mitch: good poetry gersh

Genny: ty, i thought the cadence was

quite melodic myself

mitch: here is the number one last time. i

hope you call (415) 781-0500

Genny: mitch, if you don't tell me whjay

the freaking number is i will throttle uyou

mitch: i told you, Genny, it is a help

hotline for overdoses

Genny: it's been 3 hours and i don't feel

an overdose

mitch: but you still took one

mitch: call them, and just see what they


stay awake and stay with us and the

pills will wear off

Genny how are you feeling right


Genny please answer

Milly: maybe she's on the phone

i hope she is

Genny: i'm not in the kind of trouble you

guys sseeen ti think

Milly: i'm just sorry tapper bailed

he was exhausted

Milly: so am i

Milly: been up since 2:30

Genny: yesw i tookquite a bit if klon and

ativan, but the point waskk tat i wetn tito the ocean

Genny: and almosr drownderd'

Genny: it was touch and go

Genny: and [I finally tried to save myself|dinally i tried to sab=ve yself]

Genny: it wasn't east

Genny: easiy

we know Genny that was very

difficult and brave

but the amount of pills you took

can cause serious damage to your body

i am proud of you for coming home

from the ocean though

Genny: i dont' care aout the numjber iof

pills i took

but am worried about you still and

think you need medical help

mitch: you must have come up with strong

reasons to save yourself



Genny: thx or, you aare hte only onewho has

hugged me since this wole thing statrted

RedStem: genny is prolly more afraid of san

francisco general than hospitalization itself

RedStem: Genny: what up ... did you

take more pills than supposed too

* bluebirdy huggs Genny, now that she knows

that okay to do

Genny took a large amount of

both klon and ativan RedStem

Genny: i tried to drowmn myslef

RedStem: Genny: ah... well i am glad

to see you didnt

Genny: the poills were only inscinetdental

RedStem: Genny: i enjoy seeing you

here and seeing your posts...

Genny: ty red

RedStem: Genny: r u going to call

911 and go to the hospital

Genny: sameto upi

Genny: you

RedStem: Genny: btw... i am not

saying that justto say it... i do mean it

Genny, no matter how the pils

came to be in your system, they are the current

problem, the problem that can be helped.

the resst of the stuff will come


Genny: jo i am not calling 911 anf goinn

tro hispouitak

Genny: howpital

the pills are in your system now,

and need to be the immediate concern

the other problems can be dealt

with later, and they can be dealt with and you can

feel better

RedStem: Genny: please go... i know

that ativan and klonopin in regular dose are to

relieve pain... but the liver can only handle so much

the first step is making you safe

though and that involves you getting real, and

immediate assistance from a doctor

Milly: that's right genny. the rest will

follow. don't worry about anything else

RedStem: Genny: you are an

intelligent, friendly and valued person... i would and

do not like you to see you hurt yourself.. i

understand the reasons for od... i have done it


Genny things WILL get better but

they will take time and steps. the first step is

seeing a doctor immediately before the medications you

have taken too much of cause you any more harm

RedStem: Genny: things do get better

in time... even though it does not seem like it at the


Genny: ok, thaks alll for the

recommensations; i willl take them unders == serious


Genny: nite all

Genny, stay please

RedStem: Genny: pleaseee...

Milly: don't leave genny

Genny you should stay awake

Genny: i; getting tired

RedStem: Genny: if you cant call 911

give me address so i can

Milly: you must stay awake gen

Genny: no red

Genny that is because the drugs

you took have a tranquilizing effect. you need to

stay awake right now

Genny: i am sick of the [hospitals|hspitasl]

i understand that Genny, *huggs*

but please just stay awake until

the drugs work through your system.

Milly: we all get sick of the hospitals

RedStem: Genny: i can understand

that, but right now the hospital is the only thing

that can help with excess meds

Genny: why, transquizig effects usually

wera off the nedt day after ny=uch sleeoping

Milly: the problem is the klonopin has a

half life of between 19 and 55 hours

with the amount of klonopin and

ativan that is in your system right now, sleeping is

very dangerous.

Milly: and you have to stay awake for a

minimum of 19 hours

Genny: i dont' belibve do

Genny: and i will show you all tmoroow when

i rreturn to the fary

Genny we have all agreed not to

force you into going to the hospital by breaking your

privacy, but we need you to stay awake


Milly: fair

i'm a bit confused here.

Genny, [keep her talking|please explain to us]

about the fair.

Milly: we all are and i'm getting more

confused by the minute

Genny: have a good nite all'and din;t think

it' son't appriraicate your effordts to keep me sane]

Milly: it's an old term. [return to the


Genny, if you will not go to the

hospital at least stay and talk to use

Genny: birdy, i ajm tired.

i know Genny, but sleep is not

good right now

please stay here with us

Milly: Genny go make some coffee

or tea

Milly: got any no doze

Milly: dumb question. what would a [bipolar|bp] be

doing with [no doze]

Genny: thanks fo your si=ejitiity but i

muswt go now

Genny: nite all

Genny please stay

Genny: i will report in thr morni

i don't want to lose you

Milly: no genny you need to stay awake.

please stay

* Parts: Genny

Milly: omg

-> *Genny* are u there?

Milly: i'm pissed

* bluebirdy sighs

there is nothing more we can do

unless you get ahold of the three people that have her


missy the other night she was

dangerously drunk and i stayed with her 3 hours

Milly: dammit to hell with privacy. we

could have done something!!!!

all we can really do is wait and

pray, and hope.

RedStem: bluebirdy: well if you know

who they are shoot off an email or msg the on the


Milly: i'm drained. been at it since 5am

* bluebirdy hugs Milly

someone get tapper

doesnt he know

yes he knows and nutter and ummmm

i think marge

Milly: forget tapper. he knows and he


i dont know how to contact them

...i have nver figured out the boards.

Milly: i begged him to pm me. he could

have passed the buck to me and i would have taken it

from there

i know milly, you did all you

could do

RedStem: bluebirdy: let me give them

quick pm on boards then

ok RedStem good idea

Milly: i really don't care if she got mad

at me or not as long as it saved her life or kept her

from permently harming herself

hello Guest

Milly: hello guest

i agree Milly

{irrelevant conversation in room}

There was much talk in PM’s and phone calls were made. I did not have access to a phone, but went instant messaging. In the PM’s I was begged by Genny’s best friend to please call 911. She was unable to do it herself because she does not live in the USA. I Instant messaged every person I could find and was unsuccessful. Wertperch then used the catbox to help.

<[wertperch]> Serious request : Anyone in North

Americans there who know how to contact emergency

services? Please /msg [bluebird_is_sad]15:36 just get in toucvh with her, there

is a reason, a SERIOUS reason

i have a friend in san

fransisco who has overdosed and is in need of an

ambulance. i do not have access to a phone but have her

real name/address can some one please help. she is

runnig out of tmie

Many people offered help. I am very appreciative of all the /msgs I have received and many of you have even found me on the IM’s. [siouxsie] deserves most of the credit. She is the one that made the phone call. She may have saved Genny’s life. I hope everyone here throws lots of love at [siouxsie|momma Susie] for this.

During this time we finally were able to contact “Nutter” who called Genny on the telephone. There was no answer. Nutter however does not live within the states and could not find a way of contacting any help for “Genny”. Genny had called all of her friends and her family and made amends the day before.

jbirdy: she did not kill herself as she

planned. she went to the ocean to die and turned

back. at least part of her wants to live

jbirdy: i would call if i could for you

nicola but i cannot use this phone here

nutter: so she went to the water and

came back

jbirdy: yes

jbirdy: but when she came back she overdosed

on klonopin and ativan

nutter: someone needs to call 911 for me

jbirdy: but i do not have access to a phone

jbirdy: i really wish i could

jbirdy: i was even trying to IM people i knew

earlllier to get them to call someone for me to call


jbirdy: have we found someone who can call?

nutter: no

nutter: 911 cant be long distance

nutter: is it?

nutter: cant be

jbirdy: i believe you can call local 911 and

tell them where u need to be connected to

nutter: ifeel like i have enough info to

do something address and phone number and real name

nutter: but i dont KNOW what to DO

jbirdy: nutter, give me the info and i'll risk

it…I’lll find a way

nutter: ok

nutter: ill pm you

jbirdy: k

jbirdy: i have someone calling 911 now

jbirdy: gave close online friend her
name/addy and she is on phone with emercengy services

jbirdy: so sorry it took so long

jbirdy: could not find anyone for long time

jbirdy: ambulance on way now

Genny was taken to the hospital, treated, and released. I have since spoken with her. She will never speak to me again and plans to send me her $900 hospital bill if she can find my address. I am no longer going to be going into that channel on IRC, or any other chat room for that matter. I am not well myself and cannot deal with such things. I feel overwhelmed with my own struggle and feel both guilt and anger toward “Genny”. [I’m sorry].

I know she can't read this, she don't know about e2, but if she were to read it I hope she would realize that I only meant to help her, not cause her any problems.



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