Thursday, April 15, 2004

March 17, 2002

Arg. I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks to [cbustapeck|Christopher] I have [laptop] again. It’s nice to be able to be in the nice bed with my nice [flannel|flannel sheets], two blankets, and three comforters and still be able to type. It’s nice to be able to be less [helpless]; to be able to at least try to pass school, instead of simply wait to fail. Unfortunatly I’m having all kinds of problems with getting online. I can’t get [MSN] to work at all and have resorted to [Juno]. Juno will let me sennd/receive email but not actually access the internet so the very special [eggZ] has offered to put things on here for me until I get this straightened out. I email it to him preformatted and hope all my links work and he copies and pastes it into my account.

I got in trouble. Now I have no car. My mom took my car key as punishment. She found my [March 8, 2002|notebook with the word] written in [blood] in it. I don’t know how I’m going to return the videos to the [library] now. I have two still checked out and they are due on [Monday]. It’s a dollar a day per video if they are late. *Sigh* I don’t know what to do. I’ve also got to figure out how to get [A Bright Red Scream] back to the other library. I want to buy that book but that’s easier said than done. The book store would have to order it for me and now I can’t leave the house so I can’t get it anyway and besides that I’m really stingy when it comes to spending money on myself. Twelve dollars for a book just because I want it is a lot. Plus the other book I want, [Prozac Nation], would also have to be ordered and I think that one is $13. I wish I could just buy them online but I have no credit card or even a bank account and besides that I’m not allowed to be online at all.

My family thinks the internet is evil. I’m not allowed to use it at all. I’m not allowed to talk on the phone either, especially to people that know me from the internet. I’m not allowed to leave the house either. I’m completely [alone]. Will be even more alone if my mom decides to snoop some more and maybe read things like this and get mad at me. Then she’ll take the computer away too. No matter what I do or don’t do someone will become angry with me and I will be punished.

My step dad saw me with the laptop today and he asked me if I bought ANOTHER one. I told him no. He knew I’d broke this but didn’t know I’d mailed it back and the wonderful Christopher had fixed it for me. Not only did he fix it but he put [music] on here too! I always have to have music, or at least the television on. I think the hard drive is bigger now too.

My step dad’s main goal in life is to make sure I am [miserable]. There are a lot of people that want that. I am afraid to like, let alone love, anything. It’ll disappear. Whether this be a person, or even a specific type of cookie, or anything, it doesn’t matter. If I consider a specific [food] to be my favorite it will no longer be made. If I like a certain [television show] it will be cancelled. If I want a certain book all the stores will suddenly stop selling it. If I show someone I care they will change and go away. (It hasn’t happened yet with [eggz|Ed], or [cbustapeck|Christopher], but it will. It always does.) It’s all a [conspiracy] to make me insane. Well it doesn’t matter, I’m already there! I can’t make the inside people shut up! I hurt myself, on purpose! I enjoy watching myself [bleed]! I hate myself. I have lost any faith I once had. I am alone, sad, and scared. Keep trying to push me. [I don't care]. I’m too far gone already, it don’t matter what you do now. The person I once was is dead. She’s not coming back. I am trying to accept that. The me that was me, the real Jennelle, the girl before she became [bluebird_is_sad|Bluebird], before she became more, is gone, long gone. Never coming back. Death is forever.

Thoughts of death have been on my minds far too much lately. I’m running out of options all too quickly. [Suicide] is murder. [Murder] is wrong. I understand why people do it though. Sometimes that’s all that is left. When you look around and watch your world crumble into dust the [suicide|final sin] actually becomes an option, even sometimes to people who once cursed those who did it.

Note from [EggZ]: Any errors please [/msg] me or email:
Some may be caused by [Windows] to [Mac OS] [character set] translation.



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