Thursday, April 15, 2004

October 6, 2003

Please excuse my grammer and capitilization and all that, i'm a bit upset as i write this.

Something [bad] happened. There's no one i can talk to.
I went with sergio and john, and danielle, and emma
on [friday]. we went to [karaoke]. well vanessa (an [mental illness|Inside person] and
sergio did something. when "I" do something and am
not there i get like snapshots and there was a
policeman with a flashlight. just sergio and me in
the car. his [penis].(sergio's penis, not the cop's) my face
was really close to his
penis. everytime i think about it i want to [throw up].
i dont know what exactly happened. i know he was
trying to coax me in the backseat but as far as i know
he didn't get me back there but he did have his pants
down. and i felt soar and icky in my panties. i dont
think we had actual [intercouse], dear god i hope not.
i'm not sure of anything anymore though. i think he
pushed my haed onto his lap, with his pants down. my
hands felt like sticky wet. i had had a few drinks but
wasn't really drunk. i dont know if he managed to get
his huge penis in my mouth or not. i hope not. i
know he wanted that, he's tried to get me to blow him
before. i'm so [confused]. i dont
even know what exactly happened. the little ones have
been crying a lot. we cut a lot. i tried to tell
marcie about it a little but had a really hard time.
marcie has been really out of it
lately. me and her have trouble having any
converastion at all. we're both so stressed with
school and both been [cutting] a lot and we only seem to
be able to talk about how frustrated we are with
school. she's depressed again. her ex-boyfriend, robert, keeps
calling her over and over. last time he called her
she cut her legs up pretty bad from what she said and
the night after the math teacher gave us our grades
marcie carved a [D] in her leg, then realized the
printout was all screwed up and she's really getting a
B. the only class i'm doing ok in is english, i have
a b. but i have an essay due tommorow that i havne't
even started and i didn't go to bed at all last nihgt
because i was up until 7:30 this morning finishing the
library report. then it's too long and i can't figure
out the bibliography for the websites so i just bs'd
it. i'm rambling again aren't i? i have a midterm in
about 2 and a half hours. i bought those cafeene
pills even though i'm not supposed to even have
caffeene cuz it makes my hands hurt so much. i'll
prolly take a few of them not long before class. and
then a few more after class. ever since friday i
havne't been able to [sleep] more than like 20 minutes
at a time because of the bad man, and the crying of
the little ones and the snapshots that don't make much
sense. even before that i wasn't able to sleep well.
i need to find some kind of therapist of
something that can work around my school schedule and
will deal with me without sending me straight to a
hospital every time and won't cost me anything.
theres not very many locally that take medi-cal. it
sucks. [life sucks]. [i wish i were dead]

I'm just scared. I need help [where|when] there is none. I'm sorry.



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