Sunday, December 4, 2005

"Blank Sheet Of Paper" By Tim McGraw

I'm just a blank sheet of paper
This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry
For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness
For leavin you alone

He's been lookin down at me
It seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen
It's like he can't decide
What he wants to say
If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way

But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now its one hour later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

The sunlight is comin through the curtains
He's almost asleep pen in hand
There's a tear in his eye
That refuses to fall
If it would land on me
That would say it all

But he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it's four hours later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

Oh but he just stares at me
And I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he wants you back again
One broken heart later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper

Kill myself by Tim McGraw

"Kill Myself"

I'm gonna clean the house
I'm gonna fix the fence
In my final hours
I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

I wont leave a note
For anyone to find
Tomorrow they'll know
What I've done here tonight

The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I'm gonna kill myself

Now who is that
In my easy chair
Now wait a minute
That's the old me sittin' there

And I thank God
The devil in me died
I stand before you now
A man changed and alive

The drastic steps I'm takin'
Are just an act of desperation
I knew no one would miss me
So what the hell
I fought and lied I drank too much
Hurt every one I ever touched
Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell
This is not some kind of cry for help
Just good bye I wish you well
Because I love you
I have to kill myself

Gonna clean the house
Gonna fix that fence
In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

Friday, November 18, 2005

I've made my sister hate me

I'm sitting here crying yet again. Kylee's in the livingroom, where she sleeps, crying. She hates me for good reason. I'm rude to her all the time apparently. I really don't mean to be. I tried to apologize. I tried to give her a hug but she just wanted me to go away and leave her alone. I love her so much and I can't stand that she don't want to have anything to do with me. I can't stand seeing her so miserable. I feel so helpless. I don't know how to make it up to Kylee. I don't know what to do. I want to cut so bad but I'm afraid I'll get caught right now.

Which is most important to you--being popular, accomplishing things, being organised--and why?

Being popular is not very important to me at all. I never have been and never will be popular. I have friends, good friends, but I'm far from popular and it doesn't matter. Being organized, however, is important to me. It drives me nuts, depresses me, and makes me anxious how unorgainzed my room is. I want/need it to be organized but I just don't have the patience to get organized anymore. It sucks. Most important to me is accomplishing things. I need to accomplish something everyday, perferably more than just one or two things a day. They can be small accomplishments (i.e. showering, using my votes on e2, writing a paragraph for a node, getting some email sent, etc). I get really depressed when I don't have anything to show for my time. I feel useless, helpless, hopeless, anxiety, and a strong urge to self-injure. Today I didn't accomplish much. I plan on taking a shower after ER goes off, and everyone in the house has gone to sleep.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. -Johann von Goethe

Lately I haven't been journaling much, in large part because I can't think what to write. Today I used Blingo and looked up journal/diary prompts. The title of this entry came from those lists.

Ignorance in action, AKA Mando (my future ex-stepfather) serving my mom divorce papers before she could get her stupid lawyer to deliver him papers. Divorces get so damned complicated. Mando is going to do everything he can to make this divorce HELL for my mom because she left him. He never thought she'd really do it, I think. He thought he could continue treating her like shit forever and she'd just take it.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

mom hates me

I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. I want to die and I need to cut more. I already made 100 tiny cuts but its not good enough. I’m not good enough. My mom is mad and everything is my fault. Its my fault that mando is such an asshole. Its my fault for having friends I confide in. mom made me hang up the phone when she called earlier so I wouldn’t tell anybody anything she said. Now I’m supposed to go over and help her move here. She don’t want me around but grandma says I have to go. I hate being around my mom when shes in a bad mood. I just want to keep cutting, deeper, wider. I cant stop crying. I want it all to end. I hate life. I hate being miserable. They’re all moving in here so now theres no escape from my moms moods and the babies fighting and all the noise. Theres no escape. I’m stuck. I can’t stand it. Please Lord, oh please take me away from my life. Please make it all end. Please take me away so I don’t hurt, anger, upset anyone. Please let me cut deep enough finally. I don’t understand what it is I did that was so bad to make my mom hate me.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Got a new computer

I haven’t blogged much lately because I went a month without a computer. I now have a new, better computer. My old computer was a Dell Inspiron 1100 with a 20Gb hard drive. Now I have an Inspiron 6000 with a 60Gb hard drive, a faster processor, and a few other features my old computer didn’t have, such as a DVD burner.

Today I cut. Right before my mom and Dillon and the babies showed up here. I got blood all over my pants and had to change. I also got some blood on my sleeve from the one small area I cut on my arm. I did it because I was floaty and didn’t want to lose time. While my family was here I could feel my still bleeding leg. Blood was dripping under my dark blue sweatpants I’d put on and the pants were sticking to the blood on my leg. I think Dillon saw the blood on my pants before I had a chance to change. I hope he don’t say anything to anyone.

I’ve been sleeping more at night and less during the day and I feel exhausted all the time. I want to go back to staying up at night while everyone else in the house is sleeping, and sleeping during the day. I get more privacy that way. With mom, Kylee, Dillon, Daniel, and Hannah all moving in I’m gonna need to do so more because they’ll be even less privacy here then.

Tomorrow I have to go to the clinic and should go mail my old laptop in before they decide to charge me. I got it in the box today. I just have to seal it and put the label they gave me onto it.

It’s Tuesday today. I wonder what comes on tv tonight that I like to watch.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


I have already SI'd some but I want to cut deep. I want to OD on anything I can find. I've promised Harmony that I won't try to kill myself. It don't make the thoughts go away. I don't want to floaty. I don't wantto lose anymore time. I need something to focus on but I can't focus on my writeups very good right now, I tried. I'm out of votes and entered like 30 sweepstakes online. I don't know what else to do.

Sunday, September 25, 2005


It's almost 4pm. I got up around one or one thirty and have been sneezing and snotting ever since. I feel crappy today. I'm still tired, but cannot sleep. I have an earache probably caused by pressure from all the snot. I have a bit of a headache too.

Friday, September 23, 2005

I got a new chair

My case manager gave me a nice high backed computer chair and two new long sleeve shirts.

I broke my glasses on friday, at the clinic, I was trying to fix them cuz the babies had somehow managed to bend the plastic. When I tried to bend it back they snapped in half. I cut last night.

Today (saturday) I took Kylee to a play at a church in La Puente that her friend was staring in.

I feel kinda depressed and I'm sick and tired of being so damn tired.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

random thoughts

My therapist says I should journal more. So I’m going to try to journal even though I have nothing to say.

I slept from like 2:30 or 3am until just after 4pm. I was so tired. I’m still tired. It don’t matter how much I sleep I still feel exhausted and I’m not sure why. It doesn’t matter if I sleep just a few hours, eight hours, or thirteen hours, I’m tired.

The guy from the library called back today. I go Thursday morning at 10am to meet with him so he can show me the ropes. Then the following Tuesday, the 27th I work from 1 to 4:30pm. I’m a little nervous about this all. What if I can’t remember what he tells me on Thursday?

I don’t know what else to say. I’m in the #bus chat room. Harmony went to bed hours ago. Dawggy is probably in bed by now too. I was talking to choi in #manicdepression but she went to bed a little bit ago. I already used all my votes on e2 and I don’t feel like reading the SI message board right now. Maybe I’ll go write in the journal I share with Harmony.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Memory of the boy/T homework

The homework my therapist gave me triggered something inside me.  It brought back those dreams of the boy.  The memory of the boy has been haunting me on and off for many years.  
I was probably 4 years old at the time, possibly 5 but I don’t think I was in school yet, but I may have been.  My mom had left me with a babysitter a couple of times because she had to go to court with my grandma because my grandma was in a class action suit against these people that sold my grandfathers body parts before they cremated him.  I was left with a woman who lived in the same apartment building as my mom and I lived in.  The woman took me with her to the house she usually babysat for this family at.  Iremember there was a boy my age and his brother that was a littleyounger  I think there was a little sister as well but that much I’m not sure about. I know this for sure. The part that keeps repeating in my mind is this:
The boy took me into his room and closed the door. Then he said "Let's have sex" I know he really said this. I remember telling him that sex was for grown ups. He said it was okay because kids can have sex as long as it's kid sex. He said kid sex was when you left your shirts on. Where it starts getting confusing is this:
Sometimes I remember him having red hair, sometimes light hair and sometimes brown hair. Sometimes I think the little brother was in the room and sometimes I think it was just the two of us. This scene plays over and over and over in my head. I can't remember either of the boys names but I don't think I could remember their names even then. I knew the boy got on top of me and I know he undid his pants but then it's all a blank. This scares me. I don't know if he did something to me or if the babysitter came in or what. This scene plays in my head over and over: him closing the door and saying letshave sex and me saying no that was for grownups and him saying it was ok if we left our shirts on and then climbing on top of me while I tried to squirm out from under him as he undid his pants. Then it goes totally blank. I know this really did happen. I can't remember for sure what he looked like, if his brother was in the room, if we got caught, or if he did something to me. I never went there again after that day. I know I made it clear to my mom I didn't like it there but not why. I think I went away that day like I do sometimes now. I think elly came into being that day.  I just go to this other place in my head. I don't know what’s going on. I can't feel anything happening to me when I do that. My body and my mind just aren't together. I feel no pain or anything else. this scares me. I keep repeating this scene over and over and my head. I can't make it stop. I see if when I sleep. When he climbs on top of me i either wake up scared or the scene starts over from him closing the door. When I'm awake it plays over and over. it makes it hard to think straight. it's been bugging me for years but lately, once again it's been worse.

The homework was called “ASSESSING THE DAMAGE” and was a series of questions with the answers being either always, usually, sometimes, rarely, or never.  
The first set of questions is on “Self-esteem”:
I feel dirty, like there’s something wrong with me (usually)
Sometimes I think I’m crazy (usually)
I feel ashamed (usually)
I’m different from other people (always)
I feel powerless (usually)
If people really knew me, they’d leave (usually)  [If it wasn’t for Harmony and Marcie I’d feel this way all the time]
I want to die (usually)
I want to kill myself (sometimes)
I hate myself (usually)
I have a hard time taking care of myself (sometimes)
I don’t deserve to be happy (always)
I don’t trust my intuition or feelings (usually)
I’m often confused (always) [Hence the blog name “confusedalot”]
I don’t know how to set goals and follow through on them (usually)  [I can set goals just can’t follow through]
I’m scared of success (sometimes)
I’m a failure, I don’t feel capable of doing a good job (always)
I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. (rarely) [I kinda throw myself into writing sometimes though.  And I used to use school]
I’m a perfectionist (sometimes)
I’ve made up a lot of stories about my life (never?)  [I’m not really sure what this question is asking…if it means pretend lives in my mind then usually but not any that I’ve ever told another person)
I’ve done a lot of shoplifting (never)

The second set of questions is on “my feelings”:
I don’t think feelings are very important (usually)
I usually don’t know what I’m feeling (usually)
I can’t tell one feeling from another (sometimes)
I only experience one or two emotions (sometimes)
I have a hard time expressing my feelings (usually)
I have a hard time crying freely (sometimes)
I cry all the time (sometimes)
I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy (always)
I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm (sometimes)
I feel enraged a lot of the time (rarely)
I’m rarely angry.  Anger scares me (usually)
I get depressed a lot (always)
I have a lot of nightmares (sometimes)
I have panic attacks (sometimes)
If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control (sometimes)
I’ve been violent (rarely)[Never, unless you count SI as violence]
I haven’t been violent yet, but I’m worried I might be. (rarely)

The third section is called “My Body”:
I’m not “in my body” a lot of the time (usually)
I frequently space out (always)
My body often feels numb. (usually)
I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me (always)
I don’t pay too much attention to my body’s signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). (usually)
I think my body is ugly (always)
I hide my body (always)
I’m dyslexic.  I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. (sometimes)
I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should (never)
I often eat compulsively (rarely)
I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up (sometimes) [I don’t throw up]
I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn, or injure myself) (always)
I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse (rarely)
I’ve worked out to make my bod strong so I wouldn’t feel like a victim (never)
I’ve had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures (never)
I’m scared to go to the dentist.  I hate the feeling of things in my mouth (usually)
I’m scared to go to the gynecologist (always)

The next section is “Intimacy”:
I often feel alienated from other people, as if I’m from another planet (always)
Most of my relationships just don’t work (always)
I don’t have many friends (rarely)
I’m okay with my friends, but I just can’t work things out with a lover (usually)
I think I’m really meant to be alone (usually)
I’m not sure I really deserve to be loved. (always)
I don’t know what love is (sometimes)
I find it hard to trust people. (sometimes)
I think people are going to leave me (always)
I test people a lot (usually)
It’s hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else (usually)
I’m clingy with people I’m close to.  I’m afraid to be alone. (usually)
I’m scared of making a commitment.  When people get too close I panic (sometimes)
I have a hard time saying no (usually)
People take advantage of me in relationships (sometimes)
I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible (rarely)
I’ve had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser (rarely)
I’m struggling a lot with my partner (never)
Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser (never)
Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship (rarely)

The next set of questions is on “sexuality”:
I’ve been sexually abused as an adult (rarely)
I need to control everything about sex (rarely)
I have a hard time staying present when I make love.  I’m numb a lot during lovemaking. (always)
When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don’t understand (usually)
I often have flashbacks of my abuse when making love (always)
I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse (never)
Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on (never)
I’m ashamed of my sexuality (always)
I’ve sexually abused others (never)

The second to last section is “children and parenting”:
I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children (rarely)
I have a hard time being affectionate with kids (rarely)
I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids (sometimes)
I have a hard time balancing children’s needs with my own (sometimes)
I feel inadequate as a parent (never)
I have trouble protecting children I take care of (sometimes)
I tend to be overprotective (usually)
I’ve successfully protected children (sometimes)
I’m scared I’ll be abusive (rarely)
I have abused children (never)
My kids have been abused by someone else (never)

The final set of questions is “My family of Origin”:
I have strained relationships with my family (rarely)
Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) (sometimes)
I have a hard time setting limits with my family (sometimes)
People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences (usually)
I feel crazy when I’m around my family (usually)
I can’t be honest with the people in my family (always)
Sexual abuse is still a secret in my family (usually)
There’s still incest in my family (never)
I’m waiting for the people in my family to come around and support me. (rarely)

Monday, September 12, 2005

bad day/night

I've cut on three seperate occassions today. Nothing too bad. But I did cut in a private place. Just scratches but its bad that I cut *there*.

Dawggy says he understands but he just doens't. He just made me feel bad again. The second time I cut today was after he upset me. He don't believe me about my experiences in the hospital. He says I don't try to get help and he didn't use the words but he basically called me a liar about the doctor smoking while he met with me. That hurts a lot. The doctor DID smoke while he talekd to me and blew smoke in my face. I can't stand being called a liar. No matter how much he argues that he understands about my SI he really doesn't. I don't think he ever will or can.

Harmony tries so hard to help me and I feel so bad that I hurt her by hurting myself. I know she feels helpless. I wish I didnt hurt her so. I wish she didn't feel like a failure because of me. I was so mean today. I basically said her life was as pointless as mine. I didn't mean to attack her like that. I feel really bad and just want to cut again. I'm so stupid.

I'm sorry.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

"darkness" lyrics...darren hayes


Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got
Covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

I have been waiting
Always waiting for something new
Happiness has always ended
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
No one attending

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I got covered in darkness
Covered in darkness
Ever wonder why I never really truly connect
Although my eyes are open
I can hold your gaze
But I am never connected
Never connected

I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love
Give than receive love

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

Turning pages over
Run away to nowhere
And it's hard to take control
When your enemy's old and afraid of you
You'll discover that the monster you were running from
Is the monster in you

Better to hold on to love
Better to hold on to love
Change will come

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

It doesn't really matter where it all began
Cuz all I know
I was lost
I was lost
No, no

It doesn't really matter where it all began no no
All I know
I was lost
I feel lost

good day

Had a good day today.  This morning I got up, went to the clinic, talked to Grace briefly, then went bowling with Clubhouse.  I bowled a 102 (with bumpers!).  Grace said that she was going to go shopping for me and get me a chair.  She also said that the doctor would squeeze me in on Monday.  Monday’s going to be a long day.  
After bowling one game I left and headed to my moms house.  She wasn’t there when I got there so I called grandma to see if she knew where she was.  Grandma didn’t know.  It wasn’t too long before mom, Mando, and the twins got back.  Mom took me to the neurologist.  It was in a building I’ve been to before.  

Well I started writing this last night and got side track.  The neurologist gave me a pain medicine for arthritis and an appointment for a month from now.  He said he was going to try to get an MRI approved.  
After the doctors appointment we went back to my moms house, where my car was.  I didn’t stay very long.  I went to the pharmacy and got the Mobic the doctor prescribed for me.  I then went home and talked to Harmony.  
Darren Hayes website has/had a clip of his new song, “So Beautiful” on the front page.  That excited me.  I played the clip over and over again.  

Today I got the superstars and cannonballs Savage Garden from choi.  Choi is a friend from #manicdepression.  I’ve been watching it most of the day.  I didn’t get out of bed until like 2pm.  I slept a lot.  I took a nap from like 7:30-10pm.  Then I slept from like 4am, on and off, until about 2pm.  I felt exhausted when I finally got out of bed, still feel tired even though it’s now 4:40pm.  Such a lazy day.  I need to send choi a thank you card for this dvd.  It’s really helped me get through the day without cutting myself.  

Well I guess I’ll post this now since it’s taken me so long to write it.  

Friday, September 9, 2005

late night short ramble

It’s one thirty on Friday morning. I have to be at the clinic at 9:30. We’re going bowling. Then I have to hurry over to my moms house to go to the neurologist.

Word of the day:
egress \EE-gress\, noun:
1. The act of going out or leaving, or the right or freedom to
leave; departure.
2. A means of going out or leaving; an exit; an outlet.

intransitive verb \ee-GRESS\:
To go out; to depart; to leave.

It’s 2:40am. Not long ago I ate some peanut butter and crackers then drank a large cup of orange juice. I’m at 211 now. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. I shouldn’t eat at night. I really shouldn’t eat at all or just once a day instead of the 5 or 6 times I have been eating. I want to cut now because I was so stupid and ate so much today. I’m so pathetic.

Tomorrow morning, well its today now, I have to be at the clinic about 9:30am. We’re going bowling. Then I have to rush to my moms house so we can go to my neurology appointment. I need to talk to my case manager, Grace. I was supposed to go shopping with her today but I forgot about my appointment. I need another pdoc appointment cuz I missed my last one and am out of meds.

Grandma’s yelling at me to go to sleep cuz it’s 3am. I don’t feel like sleeping though. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Trying so hard not to give in

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I feel this emptiness inside of me. It's like hunger but it's not a hunger for food. I don't know how to fulfill this hunger except to cut myself. I'm not sure it will work but it's all I can think of to try. I feel so empty. I feel drained of something, but I just can't put my finger on *what*.

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  1. My computer and my internet are working tonight
  2. I haven't cut yet today
  3. I found a new BBS to post on
  4. I got the grocery shopping done
  5. I talked to Marcie
  6. I got a small paragraph of my [West Virginia] node done
  7. I got to see a picture of Fruan
  8. Fruan gave me extra votes tonight and I didn't even ask him to
  9. I had money left over at the end of August
  10. I have a blog to help keep me occupied so I don't cut

Found some msg boards

I was messing around on google yesterday and I looked up self injury images. From that search I came across a website ( has message boards for self-harmers. I registered and have now posted over 40 messages and read even more than that. I've spent a lot of time on there tonight to help distract me from this intense urge to cut myself. I don't know why I want to cut myself so cutting myself is really stupid.

I managed to finish a small paragraph of my [West Virginia] write-up. Fruan gave me extra votes when he found out I was having a bad night. He's sweet. I just wish he wasn't so horny all the time. He sent me a fairly recent picture of himself tonight. I'd seen a couple pictures of him from a year or two ago a long time ago. He's got long hair and a thick beard. He's not bad looking but I think he'd look better with a good shave.

It's 3:30am. I should go to bed soon but in the mood I'm in I'm afraid I'll have nightmares so I'm procrastinating going to bed. In about I don't know, ten hours or so I have a few calls to make. I need to call the phone company about the static on the line which keeps causing my internet connection to fizzle out. I need to call the neurologist office and confirm that I have an appointment with them on friday. I need to call my mom and see if she wants to go with me to the neurologist or if I should take Marcie. Marcie wants to go. The other phone call I want to get made is to the magazine company to change the magazines I'm getting because I got a letter from them.

I'm watching Conan O'Brian even though I really don't like him. There just isn't anything else on tv at this time of the night/morning/wee hours of the day. I think it's almost over though. I should look at and see what's on at 4am.

Sunday, September 4, 2005

Frustrated with ISP

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Damn static on the phone line is making it impossible for me to use the internet.  I’m feeling really frustrated and urgy.  I know it’s a stupid reason to want to cut, but I want to cut.  It’ll relax me.  I’m trying not to do it because I’m not supposed to cut myself.  No one wants me to SI.  This lack of internet is really pissing me off.  There are things I want to do, like vote on e2 and look at a new SI website I just found and chat.  I don’t want to go to sleep.  I don’t want to dream.  

I drove to karaoke and it was night time and it was hard for me.  I kept seeing stuff.  Cars that weren’t really there.  I know they weren’t really there because nothing happened when they ran into me.  I stopped and got $5 worth of gas.  My car had less than a fourth of a tank.  I’m going to ask Grace on Wednesday if she can help me get gas again.  She gave me a gas card before to use.  Gas is so expensive.

I promised myself I wouldn’t weep, one more promise I couldn’t keep.

Can you help me remember how to smile, make it somehow all seem worthwhile.

I can go where no one else can go, I know what no one else knows.

Seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I’m neither here nor there.

Like a madman laughing at the rain, a little out of touch, a little insane, it’s just easier than dealing with the pain.

Went to karaoke

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I wasn't going to go to karaoke but John called and told me he would buy my drinks if I drove him there. So I went. He spent a little over $8 on me. I had two virign pina colada's and one shirley temple with extra cherries. I had NO alcohol because I was driving. Well actually, I tasted John's Adios, but it was just one small sip.

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I sang "Runaway Train", "Achy Breaky Song", "I Want You" and "Material Girl" alone and "They're coming to take me away, haha" with Marcie.

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I've been really itchy all night. When we were doing cams, I was itching soo bad. I don't know why though. I know some medicine (i.e. Vicodin, Lortab) can make you itch but I hadn't taken anything but my psych meds and tylenol.

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Well I'm following a list so I guess I'll go take my night meds and do the next thing on my list.
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Saturday, September 3, 2005

I hate snot

My nose is running again. I just ate, without any prompting from Harmony or anyone else. I wasn't really hungry but I ate anyway just so Harmony would be happy. I ate a Budget Gourmet Ziti Parmasagna tv dinner with extra cheese.

I really hate snot. I keep blowing my nose but it just fills right back up with yellow, bloody snot. Probably more than you wanted to know, eh?

Kylee and Dillon spent the night last night. They were (esp. Kylee) on my computer forever (read: over three hours). Today I took them to get Dillon a haircut and then took them both home. I love them tons but I wasn't sad to see them go home.

I haven't cut today but I want to. I don't really know why I want to. My legs ache to be sliced. I crave bleeding. I like to watch the blood drip down my leg. It's so calming.

I was stupid and didn't get up yesterday to go to the clinic. They're closed on Monday because of Labor Day so I'll have to talk to Grace on wednesday about getting another appointment, my computer chair, and gas for my car. I hope she's not upset with me. I was supposed to give her back the last gas card but I was sick and missed the day I was going to give it back and then she was off for a week.

Well Harmony is finally done eating so I'm going to go talk to her on the webcam.



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Friday, September 2, 2005

I Dont Care by Savage Garden

"I Don't Care"I ride this train in the windswept afternoon and the sunlight warms the faces of the faithless who are waiting I ride this train but I need a conversation mozambique or was it veronique?how about you pick the subjectand I'll listen to you?people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, I don't care people tell me that I need too much but I don't care, no I don't care I ride this train in a dream-like state of mindthrough a field of frozen memories imagination racing I ride this train but I need to make connections no I wasn't staring I was only trying to get some substance to get some meaning people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I need too much well I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I feel too much oh no cause I don't care no I just don't care anymore I will ride this train people tell me that I feel too much but I don't care, no I don't care people tell me that I need too much but I don't care, no I just don't care people tell me that I feel too much oh no cause I don't care no I just don't care anymore as I ride this train as I ride this train as I ride this train keep on riding this train as I ride this train as I ride this train oooh

Thursday, September 1, 2005

safe music

I am listening to one of my “safe” cds.  The ones full of songs that make us feel better.  The song that’s on now is “She talks to angels” by the Black Crows.  I’m also talking to Fruan.  He gave me some extra votes (for e2) and that’s helping me feel a bit productive.  I would like to work on a write-up (mostly [West Virginia]) but just ain’t getting anywhere with it.  I just can’t seem to focus well enough.  The next song just came on.  It’s Darren Hayes “Darkness”.  His voice always makes me feel better.  I cut some earlier today, just 10 small cuts that barely bled.  I want to cut more but am trying real hard not to.  “Ego” is playing now.  

I have been contemplating Letting go of you egoThought I'd let you knowYou're getting oldIt was so irritating saving faceWhen I fell from graceThought you'd won a raceWithout a traceBut you stayedBut you remainedBut you.. It's always about youI have been quietly edging away To keep the flames at bayMake this puppy stayTo limit my use of personal Pro-nouns are the death of meSee I just said meYou're an endless seeThe vanity is all for you babeFor you babe For you..It's always about youI have been silently taking offenseAnd at great expenseAs my feeling dentI'm licking my scratchesIt serves no purposeDoesn't gratifyAnd you're dissatisfiedAnd though you're belly's full There's always more room for you babeFor you babeFor you..It's always about youNo.. no.. don't.. don't.. oh..

I’ve been posting a lot of lyrics lately.  I post songs that touch me somehow, that i relate to.  

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


It’s 10:20pm.  I’m sitting at my desk because Harmony and Dawggy are watching me on cam.  She’s up eating ice cream then she’ll go back to bed.  Dawggy will probably go to bed soon too.  He just told me he’s bored and tired.  I want to journal some tonight and work on my West Virginia node a little bit.  I already used all my votes.  

Earlier my chest was hurting.  It hurt to breathe.  Now it just hurts a little bit, mainly when I take a deep breathe.  I’ve been short of breathe a lot lately.  

Last night I didn’t go to bed at all and took a three hour nap after I got home from the clinic.  Yesterday I didn’t go to bed until 11:30am.  When I close my eyes I see myself dead.  When my eyes are open I see that man that no one else sees.  I’m sure the bugs are after me.  I feel them crawling across my skin.  I haven’t cut since day before yesterday I think.  

I feel kinda depressed and my leg is aching to be cut.  I don’t want to go to sleep even though I’ve had less than 6 hours of sleep in the last two days.  I don’t want to close my eyes.  I keep seeing stuff in the mirror but when I look for them there’s nothing there.  I think someone is spying on me.  

Papercut by Linkin Park


Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)

So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first
But I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but

Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)

So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

The face inside is right beneath your skin (3x)

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

The sun
I feel the light betray me
The sun
I feel the light betray me

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

Feel by Darren Hayes

You teach me how to feel
It feels all right
There's nothing left to fear
Finding myself
The further I go
Towards you

You teach me how to love
Parts of myself
I hated for so long
Loving myself
Through loving you

I no longer live like a man in the dark
Hiding all the pieces of my broken heart
Whereby I'm holding on
Whereby I'm holding on to you

You teach me to forgive
It feels all right
Compassion for your pain
Compassion for mine
The circle divides

I no longer live like a man in the dark
Holding all the pieces of my broken heart
Whereby I'm holding on
Whereby I'm holding on to you
Whereby I'm moving on
Whereby I'm moving on to you

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

She talks to angels by Black Crows (yes I know I've posted these lyrics here before)

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she’ll tell you she’s an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pain’s gonna make everything alright

Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet

Says she talks to angels,
Says they all know her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She don’t know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that ain’t nothing
But to me, yeah me,
It’s everything

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, there’s a smile when the pain comes,
The pain’s gonna make everything alright, alright yeah

She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
Oh yeah, yeah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, angels
They call her out by her name
Oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, they call her out
Don’t you know that they call her out by her name

Pink "Don't let me get me"

Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-haaa!

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-haaa!

Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .

You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .

You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .

Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!



"Sign Off"

wake up all alone
sending postcards back to home...
on the road

if the medication works
could i be the way i was?
in control

you painted a picture
i'm the worst type of sinner...
you know

you painted a picture
happier than i can afford

nobody can save me
nobody can save me
nobody can say what i'll do if i'm alone

sign off
sign off
sign off
sign off
sign off (nobody can save me)
sign off
sign off (nobody can save me)
sign off

Wonderful by Everclear

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it’s all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world is so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna meet your friends
And I don’t wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

August 29

It’s 2:30am.  I just got out of the shower.  I ate French fries earlier.  I took my medicine at about 1:45am.  I’m bored but don’t want to go to sleep even though I know I have to get up in I started my period what could now be called last night but for me it still is last night.  

I saw my therapist this morning at 9am.  We talked a little about me dropping out of school and about my computer troubles.  We talked about my blog and I told her about the website <a>Secret Shame</a>.  She wrote both secret shame and the address of my blog down on a post-it and said she’d look them up.  She gave me a five page packet to work on this week.  I’ve already finished it.  It was a suicide prevention catalog.  

I’m still congested.  I’ve had to blow my nose several times today and it doesn’t get rid of all the snot.  

It’s almost 3 pm.  My stomach and back are hurting a little.  I started my period last night.  I feel very relaxed though, almost sleepy.  I’m listening to mp3s and following a list.  My list so far is:

  1. Floor/Desk

  2. [West Virginia]

  3. Blog

  4. the realm of possibility

  5. Pictures

  6. Dresser

  7. Link [West Virginia]

  8. Harmony journal

  9. Bible

  10. Magazines

It’s 6:35pm now.  I’ve talked to Harmony on the phone twice today.  She had to hang up the first time because she had to go potty and the second time because Dawggy’s friend’s were calling and he needed to call them back.  I feel lonely.  A little anxious.  I added a number 11 to the list: bed.  

My computer feels a little too warm.  I turned it off for a while earlier when it got hot.  Now I’ve propped it up on the corners of my stupid broken lap table and my weekly pill container.  

It’s 8:26pm and I’m watching 7th Heaven.  I haven’t eaten much today, just a couple mini caramel corn rice cakes.  I just don’t feel like eating.  I don’t really feel like doing much of anything.  I’m trying to follow my list but not getting a whole lot done.  I’m depressed, which makes being productive difficult, and not being productive just makes me more depressed.  *sigh*  Is this catch 22?  

I wish I didn’t want to die.

I used to be able to just write and write and write.  Just fill pages of my journals effortlessly.  Nowadays I struggle to get my fingers moving over the keyboard or moving the pen.  


August 28

It’s a little after one am.  I went to karaoke and got home a little after 12.  I drank 2 or 3 Shirley Temple’s.  I ate half of a cheese quesadilla.  (Sergio and I shared it.)  I also had some chips.  The only other thing I ate today was some caramel corn mini rice cakes.  I sang three songs, REALLY badly.  I’m not a good singer to begin with but tonight I was congested which made my singing even worse.  And I was short of breath again.  I sang Runaway Train, as made popular by Soul Asylum.  I also sang I Want A New Duck by “Weird Al” Yankovic.  The final song I sang was Savage Garden’s I Knew I Loved You.

It’s 1:42am now.  I’m a little tired but don’t feel like going to sleep right now.  I’m scared.  I’m afraid someone will get me while I sleep or the dreams will be bad.  I know all the doors of the house are locked but I can’t help but be scared there is somebody in the house besides Grandma, Jiggs, and myself.  I know the dog would probably bark if anyone else was in the house  but I just can’t shake the feeling.  Is this paranoia?  

It’s 2:03am.  I just took my bedtime meds.  I worked up the courage to go into the kitchen and get something to drink so I could take the medicine.  That wasn’t easy to do.  I turned the kitchen light on and looked all over the living room and kitchen to try to reassure myself that no one was there.  

I cut my legs.  I know I shouldn’t do that, it causes scars and upsets my family and friends, but sometimes I NEED to do something.  

It’s almost 3pm.  I talked to Harmony for a little while earlier on the phone.  I miss internet.  I love talking to her on the phone but I also love talking to her online and doing all the other things I do online, like E2 and email.  

It’s 7:20pm.  I’m making 3 corn coblets.  I’m watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.  

It’s 8pm now.  I ate my three little cobs of corn and now I’m watching cold case.  

August 27

*rubs eyes*
It’s 1:40pm.  I slept until almost one, when mom called.  After she hung up I laid here and tried to get back to sleep for a while.  Now my eyes are still sleepy.  I just swallowed 2 Tylenol and my 2pm Buspar.  I’m supposed to take the Tylenol 4 times a day but I usually forget.  

Today is Saturday.  I don’t know if I’m going to karaoke tonight or not.  I might go since I don’t have any internet and am bored at night (and during the day too!).  I don’t really have the money to go though.  Marcie isn’t going.  

It’s 3:30pm now.  I just got off the phone with Harmony.  We talked for quite a while.  I talked to Danielle briefly before that.  I’ve decided to go ahead and go to karaoke since I’m so bored at home without the internet.  

It’s 5:18pm now.  Harmony and Dawggy’s internet is down also so none of our votes will be used this weekend.  I keep yawning.  I’ve tried to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I feel depressed and I want to cut myself.  I feel kinda anxious.  I’m only a little bit congested today.  

I’m lonely.  I’m tired.  I’m frustrated with myself for not accomplishing anything.  I’m anxious.  I’m depressed.  I keep thinking bad thoughts.  The inside people are noisy today.  

August 26

It’s Friday, August 26, 2005.  My modem finally completely quit today.  They said they’d mail me a new one in three-to-five business days.  That means I may not have internet until next Friday.  It’s always something.  First my computer needed a new hard drive.  I finally got that replaced and now my modem has gone bad.  

Today I stayed in bed until about noon then I sat up and talked to Harmony and Lostwarrior in #manicdepression.  I got in a little bit of an argument with Dawggy today because I said I wanted to cut my neck open and was not very supportive of Harmony, who is not doing so well right now either.  I left the chatroom.  I know it’s immature but I don’t know what else I could have done to keep myself from saying something else stupid.  I want to cut now just thinking about it.  I already cut a couple times today.  I feel really depressed and frustrated.  

I talked to Harmony, Marcie, and Danielle on the phone today (separately).  Harmony called me because I had called and left a message on their machine that I wouldn’t be online for about a week because my modem had died and I needed to wait for them to send me a replacement in the mail.  Marcie and Danielle, I called.  There is a “Girls Night Out” at a local female gym called Butterfly Life and I wanted to see if they wanted to go with me.  Marcie has to go to her great-aunt’s birthday party at the hospital.  Danielle is going to call me tomorrow sometime but I bet she don’t want to go.  I may or may not go to karaoke tomorrow night.  I don’t really have money to go but I might go anyways just so I don’t have to sit home alone with no internet.  

I’m still congested but I haven’t been sneezing much today, just a couple of times.  I haven’t even been coughing that much either but I have felt out of breath a lot.  I’ve also been wheezing some.  I have had several dreams that woke me up because I felt as if I were underwater and couldn’t get to the top.  I wake up gasping for air.  

Thursday, August 25, 2005


it's about 2:15am. I took my new meds (luvox, buspar, risperdal, and cogenten) about 2. i've got a headache. i'm congested. i want to hurt myself. i wish i could die/ceice to exist. i can't write anything worth not deleting. i can't get myself to do much of anything. i'm such a loser. i'll never be worth anything.

if only i could find something explaining "how to kill yourself" which would make it fool proof, so i couldnt fail again and would make it so that i wouldnt hurt my friends /family. i dont think it exists

i dont know what to do. i dont want to sleep cuz i dont want to dream. i dont want to play games or read cuz i hvave a headache. i dont want to clean because i don't feel good. i want to cut but i promised i'd try not to

tommorow i'll prolly just lay here in bed all day. life sucks. actually i suck.

Dropped out of college

I dropped out of college cuz after 5+ years at a 2-year community college I finally figured out that I'm never going to get a degree because I can't pass general education classes. Now I have nothing.
I can't write shit. I can't focus on reading. I have a cold or something. Feel like shit and depressed on top of that. I just want to die but I'd just fail at that too.

Friday, August 19, 2005


I've been working on my page on myspace. Kylee and Dillon are really involved with the site and I wanted to be more involved in their lives so I joined myspace. I found the Darren Hayes group on there. Image hosted by

I got a parking ticket today. Image hosted by I went to the clinic in West Covina for bloodwork and parked on the street because their parking lot is really small and didn't see the sign that said no parking between 7am-3pm. I'm stupid. Image hosted by

Dillon is spending the night so grandma bought us a pizza. I ate two pieces and was full.

I talked on the phone a lot to Harmony today because their internet has been down for two days now. I can't wait until that gets fixed. Neither can they.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Redid my computer today

Today I reinstalled windows. Harmony and Dawggy's internet has been down all day but I spent most of the day on the phone with them. Mostly Dawggy. He helped me over the phone to reformat my hard drive. We had to do this because nothing else worked to get a few programs (netmeeting, vnc, etc) and one specific website (the website for my online class) to work. The website works now and we'll be trying the other programs when Dawggy and Harmony get back online tommorow.

I didn't go to the clinic today because I fell asleep. I didn't sleep very well last night. I got up this morning, dressed, brushed teeth, etc. and then layed down for a minute and fell asleep for an hour and a half.

Tommorow I have to go to the West Covina free clinic to get blood work done so I have to fast for the rest of the night.

Some things still need to be installed on my computer. I've installed mirc, firefox, and itunes.

Sunday, August 7, 2005

I Am An Illusion

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It's 1:45am on Sunday morning. I'm alone in my room, as usual. I'm anxious but not nearly as anxious as I was earlier. I've used all my votes on E2. I've got a node to work on but am not thinking clearly enough to really work on it. I'm in #bus but the channel is idle, as it usually is at this time of night. I'm talking to Fruan from E2 on ICQ but that conversation is going south.

Image hosted by

Today is Daniel and Hannah's second birthday. They were born at 12:35 and 12:36pm (I think) two years ago today. We are going to Chuck E. Cheese's for lunch tommorow. On tuesday we are going to Disneyland for their birthday. I bought Hannah a Mrs. Potato Head and Daniel a Mr. Potato Head. They like the Mr. Potato Head magnet set that grandma has on her refridgerator. I bought them at Wal-Mart for about $6 each.

Image hosted by

I went to karaoke this evening. I sang three songs: "Eat It", "Like a Surgeon", and "Stuck In a Moment". While there I drank three Shirley Temples. It cost me $7 including tip.

Image hosted by

Saturday, August 6, 2005

Not feeling good enough

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As I write this my leg is bleeding. It's just a couple really small cuts. It's not enough. I feel terribly anxious and miserably depressed. I want to end it all but I pinky promised Harmony I wouldn't try to kill myself. You can't break a pinky promise. I was in the mental hospital for 2 nights and 2 days. It just made things worse. I got out of taking my meds regularly. The doctor, Dr. Ali, is an asshole that makes me feel worse. Shit, I'm crying again. I'm far from Okay. I need to cut and cut and cut. I'm trying so hard not to SI though because it gets me in trouble with my grandma and mom. I just can't go on like this. Something has to be done. Talking to Grace, my case manager, doesn't really help. She called 911 on me which led to a frustrating trip to the ER where one of the nurses made fun of me then a couple days on the psych ward where the asshole doctor just made me feel even worse.

My grandma and mom blame it all on Harmony but it's NOT her fault. It's nobody's fault but my own. I don't do anything right. Harmony has kept me alive for over a year now. My family just don't understand that. I can't stop crying. I need to SI more. No one really understands what I'm going through, not even me. I don't know why I'm so anxious and so depressed. I'd been taking my medicine like the doctor prescribed it. Which is another thing the doctor in the hospital bawled me out for. My doctor at the clinic has me takeing Effexor twice a day and the doctor in the hospital told me that's wrong that I should only be taking it once a day because it's a long acting drug and acted like it was my fault I was taking it wrong. I hate Dr. Ali.

I don't know what to do now. Harmony's not home from the hospital and Dawggy's not home. Harmony's probably in group or she got out by now and they're at Dawggy's mom's house or something. I wish they'd get home because me alone isn't a good thing right now and I can't talk to grandma about this kind of stuff. Why can't I just die?! Please! Make it all end. I can't stand feeling like this anymore...

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

I wish everyone would give up on me

Why do people have to CARE about me? Why can't everyone give up and leave me alone? If everyone would give up on me and stop being my friends I could kill myself without so much guilt. I don't want friends. I want everyone I care about to go away so I wouldn't hurt anyone when I ended my misery. But NO all you damn people that care about me make it impossible for me to end the misery. I have to ACT fine and shit. I'm so tired of feeling shitty. I'm so tired of being a useless flunky. But I can't end it because of stupid people caring about me. WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME? I'M USELESS! A waste of space, time, caring, etc etc...


Tuesday, April 5, 2005

slipping between dimensions

I'm unsure of everything. Time is a mystery. I'm not even completely in this dimension. I keep slipping in and out of this frame and into others. The depression is intense. The unreality overwhelming. Nothing makes sense except death and even that is a mystery. But death would put me solidly into another dimension, another frame of existence. We are not okay right now and do not know if we ever will be.

Monday, April 4, 2005

I don't know

I don't know what to say. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what is the truth and what is lies. I keep crying. I don't know why. I wish I could just die or at least cut so I'd feel better. I'm so mean to Harmony. I hate it but I hate her for loving me. I even told her that. If only she could hate me I'd finally have a good reason to die. She wont let go of me.
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Sunday, April 3, 2005

Depressed on my birthday

Today I turned 24. I was okay all day. I sat outside Vons from about noon til about 6pm asking for donations for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society with John and Danielle. Linda (Danielle's mom) was there with us for a while and Sergio showed up for a while later. The three of us came to my house after that to try to register online for the 5k we're doing this weekend. The site wasn't working. Then we went to Pepe's for dinner with Sergio. Sergio bought me my quesidilla. He then dropped us off at Danielle's house and went to pick up a field trip. Danielle went and got Emma and the 4 of us played a game called Sequence a couple times. They then took me home. I talked to my mom, sister, and brother on the phone briefly. I talked to Dawggy and Harmony online for a couple minutes until they went to bed. Now I'm feeling terribly depressed and lonely. I don't know why. I guess I just didnt ever want to be this old. I always hoped I'd be dead before I was ever even out of high school. Why won't God just let me die?
I was such a pig today. I ate 3 pieces of pizza for lunch and a breadstick. We then shared an entire bag of cookies. Later I ate 2 corn tortilla quisidillas, a bunch of peanuts, and came home and had a piece of the mint n chip icecream/chocoalte cake my mom brought me last night. I also had a lot of soda today. I'm a big fat lazy pig and I don't want to live anymore. I wish I had a blade to cut with to make me feel better. It's been far too long since I last cut.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Wishing life would end

Current Music: 10,000 Maniacs - Everyday is like sunday

Current Mood: Image hosted by

Interesting Node: February 21, 2002. (The first thing I ever chinged).

Interesting non-e2 url: My donation page, please help.

Picture: Image hosted by

Caption: I really did see a pink elephant!

Quote: Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day;
live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have.
It is later than you think.

Trivia: In 1493, who returned to Spain after his first voyage to
the New World?

Joke: I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing
out a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
a gal a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-dicked Nazi. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I
called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about
20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I
try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: I’m a fool when it comes to money matters, among other things.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: I can’t think of anything.

Current music: I want you to want me

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’ve been very depressed. Tried pulling away from my friends but they just won’t let me do it. I scratched up my arm pretty good with a kitchen knife. That’s the most I’ve done in like two months. My room is a disaster, worse than it’s ever been. My abnormal psychology reading is coming along much slower than it should. Danielle’s birthday was yesterday and I haven’t even copied the CDs she wants yet. No idea where the CDs even are or the blank ones. I wish I could just die really, really soon. I need to really cut, not just scratches. I need to see the blood drip down my leg and arm. There are times I hate my bestest friends for talking me into getting rid of all my blades. Right now is one of those times.
My aunt Robin has moved in with us. I cannot stand this woman. She is very narcissistic. She finally got a job at Rubio’s (a Mexican restaurant of some sort) yesterday. So of course she had to celebrate by drinking again. She’s an alcoholic and has abused drugs for as long as I can remember. Grandma is letting her stay here rent-free and giving her gas money while I have to pay $300 a month to stay here. I wish Robin would go away. Every time she starts talking I feel an irresistible urge to self-injure, which lately has mainly been pulling my hair while she talks or banging my head while I hear her rambling on in the other room. I hate life and I wish my friends would let go so life could end. I’m sorry.

Current music: Darren Hayes - I like the way

Trivia answer: In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his
first voyage to the New World.

Current mood: Image hosted by

Last thoughts: It’s only 1:20pm and I’m wishing the day would end, just as I do everyday all day and all night. I hate life. I hate just about everything.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Depression taking over

Today started with a THUD as I fell off the bed as I reached for the phone. After assuring Marcie I would be ready by 9:30am I unwedged myself from the small area between the bed and the desk chair. As I began to get ready for my therapist appointment the phone rang again and it was my mother. I then had to get ready while on the phone with my mother the entire time, going to the bathroom, brushing my hair and teeth, etc, all while holding the cordless phone while mom and grandma rambled on about all the usual stuff. I wasn’t quite ready when Marcie got there and was still on the phone with mom and grandma. Marcie patiently stood there and waited while I rushed around to finish getting ready. Her mom was driving. They dropped me off as close as possible to where my appointment with Abe was. As I started the short hike to the health center they found a parking place. While I sat in a small room with Abe they went to the fitness center and worked out. I told Abe I was dropping one of my three classes and that I was depressed and often wish I were dead. He told me how fortunate I was to have Harmony, Dawggy, Marcie, John, Danielle, and Sergio. He went on about me being addicted to depression and needing to find the achievements of daily life even if it’s as small as I survived the day. I came home and turned on music and began reading some of the abnormal psychology textbook and as I studied I can feel the depression begin to press harder and harder on me until I start thinking of death once again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me happy like it used to. I’ve been exercising every day and I’ve been told so many times that exercise is supposed to make you less depressed but it’s not helping me. Every day feels worse than the day before no matter how much exercise I do. I’m so tired of feeling like shit. I just want to give up and find a way to die that no one can stop it from happening. I’m sorry.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Living healthier

I've been sticking (somewhat) to Weight watcher points and starting yesterday, walking everyday and training for a marathon. Yes, Blue is training for a marathon. And she needs every body's help. We need sponsers. I don't know if I can finish the entire 26.2 miles but I'm going to walk as much as I can and I'm going to raise as much money as I can. Today I walked a mile in about 25 minutes. Tommorows goal is 2 miles. Every other day is 20 minutes, 2 miles, 20 minutes, 2 miles....and eventually longer times and distances. Wish me luck and please help me raise money. I'm open to any ideas! Thanks!

Saturday, January 8, 2005

I'm trying to stick to a diet but I've cheated tonight. After I took a shower, it was about 1:20am and I was hungry so I made myself a quesidilla. I drank a glass of OJ and then ate a 100 calorie pack.
Now I'm drinking a flavored water I was going to save for our trip to Disneyland. Hopefully I can get to wal-mart before next friday. We were going to go this friday but it rained all day.

It's 3am. I should be but I don't feel sleepy. I'll try soon though.


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