Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas is coming

It's almost Christmas. It's snuck up but now I just want it to be over with. It still hurts when I think about the fact that I wasn't even invited to decorate the tree with my family. I had been looking forward to that. I went to target and dollar tree today and I guess I'm done shopping now even though there is much much more I wish I could buy for my family and friends.

I've had to sign a lot of papers lately. Between housing authority and the mental health clinic I'm being transferred to. I'm waiting to see if the person named Cliff who runs the groups I'm supposed to start gonig to is going to return my call. They want me to start going to two groups on wednesday mornings from 10-11 and 11-12. I have never gotten much of anything out of stuff that early in the day.

I still haven't made a medical doctor appointment. I keep finding ways to put if off still. It probably wont be until the new year when I am able to face a doctor.

I finally have started wrapping presents. My neighbor on the other side of the brick wall stopped by with a bag of homemade cookies covered in cinnamon sugar and a little box of three kids of lip gloss in a box that has a mirror built in.

I am on my period but went shopping two days in a row anyways. Dollar Tree, Target, Kohls, and Walmart. I found the chocolate oranges we couldn't find anywhere last year. I also bought a few boxes of chocolate covered cherries for neighbors and anyone else who gives me a gift.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


It's been a long time since I posted a blog hasn't it? I haven't really been able to put things into words lately. My brain does not work.

I'm tired all the time. I ache all over all the time. I'm itchy all the time. I'm just plain miserable. I'm always thirsty. I'm often nausious. I want someone to just sit and hold me. I have no one who would ever do that though and it hurts to be touched anyways.

I feel very unwelcomed. My mom especially makes me feel unwanted. She never wants me around. Doesn't want me to contaminate their home. She don't want me to sit on their new couch or go anywhere near her bed. It hurt my feelings a lot when she didn't even let me know they were decorating the Christmas tree. I found out when I showed up over there to pick up Dillon to take him to practice driving and everything was done. That was always one of my favorite things growing up. We'd get a bunch of special snacks and as a family we would put together and decorate the Christmas tree. It feels like they are trying to make me not part of the family at all. They call me only when I have to take the kids to school.

I know I need to make a doctors appointment. I'm not sure why I haven't exactly. I always have an excuse to put it off. I'm dreading going to the doctors again because it always seems to futile and I end up feeling even more hopeless.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

not functioning very well

Been not really functioning lately. Feel like shit all the time. Have been leaning on my friends way too much and am so scared they'll get sick of me and go away forever. That is how life works after all.

I hurt all over all the time. And itch. I feel like a big acheing bruise. And so tired. Never have any energy at all. I just want to die.

My mom and grandma are constantly nagging me about coloring my hair but they just do not understand how bad the migraines are the damn dye causes and according to them the natural ones everyone else said to try aren't good enough. Nothing is good enough.

Danielle and JohnJohn have gone waaaaaaay above and beyond anything I deserve and been there for me a LOT. I need to pull away from them before its too late.

Almost got to go to Disneyland on friday but grandma decided we couldn't. It's frustrating and depressing.

Everything is frustrating, depressing and hopeless.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

a very shitty day it took me weeks to post about

I'm acheing. I'm itchy. I'm thirsty. I'm tired. My head hurts.

I went with mom and the twins trick or treating around Glendora.

Afterwards the plan was to go to karaoke with John and Danielle but no one

was having karaoke so we played Wii Fit instead. We laughed a lot. Both

with the twins and with John and Danielle.


Taking the kids to school so often is really taking a toll on me. I'm

constantly exhausted. And constantly frustrated. Aggravated.


On thursday (november 5)I had the day from hell. It started with a phone

call saying my intake at the mental health clinic had to be changed. I

have been trying to get into the clinic since about August or September. I

was supposed to finally have my intake this coming monday but now it's been

changed again to december.

Then I went to my appointment at the social security office and was told

theyr'e gonna be taking 10% of my check a month until I make up for the

"overpayment" since I won that sweepstakes a year and a half ago. Theyr'e

taking away the amount I won. I can't ever get ahead. As it is I can't

get all my bills paid each month without help and end up with like $4 in

the bank at the end of the month. I told her there's no way I can survive

with $85 less a month. She said when I get the letter to call and work out

a different payment plan.

After that mom sent me to get a hair cut and then to get the lice shampoo

kit. The stupid hair cut lady asked lots of questions about what I do for

work or school and why I'm not in school or have a job. We spent a long

time making sure there was NO lice in my hair. My back and legs killed me

from leaning over the sink trying to get all of the shampoo stuff rinsed


Housing Authority called while we were working through my hair and wanted

me tocome out to their main office the next morning. I can't get to Sante

Fe Springs on my own. Mom got aggravated that she would have to take me

out there.

My mom sent me on errands to the store and to pick up the H.Salt fish she

ordered. I ate too much and ended up feeling sick. I then had to sit

around forever waiting for Dillon to be ready to leave. He was gong to his

friend's house to celebrate a birthday. It was like nine pm when I finally

got home, exhausted. I then had to take apart the couch and the bed and

vacuum and spray everything and do laundry.

When I got home my computer refused to come on and took a couple hours to

get to work. Then my washer flooded the kitchen again.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

week leading to halloween

So slow. Never seem to really do anything. Time just passes by.

Took Hannah and Daniel to school. Took Kylee to school. Let Dillon drive

himself to school. Grandma loaned me her gas card again. I went to the

library and got a Stephen King book called "Gerald's Game" and the Death

Cab for Cutie cd "Plans". Then went to the bank and was there for a very

long time and was charged $8 to be mailed my statement in 5-8 business days

to send to Housing Authority. It's ridiculous to charge that much for a

stupid statement and I only had about $4 in my checking so they had to get

it from my savings which now only has about $20 left in it. I hate being

so damn broke.


Took the kids to school again. It was crazy hair day for the twins school.

Kylee talks about nothing but going into the army now.


Was a long week and I took the kids to school tuesday, wednesday, and

thursday and it takes a big toll on me doing that multiple days in a row.

On friday evening Danielle invited me over. Me and her and John went and

got food at taco bell/pizzahut. I got a cheese pizza meal. Then we went

back to her house and watched tv while we ate then spent a few minutes on

the computer before going and playing Wii Play.

It's Halloween. I'll probably go trick or treating with the twins and then

John and Danielle invited me to go to karaoke with them later in the


Sunday, October 25, 2009


Been staring at this blank window not knowing what to type. I went grocery shopping after having h salt fish with my family. Kylee and Dillon were not home. It was mom, grandma and the twins. i feel like crap. I over drew my account and barely had enough in savings to transfer to get me out of the red.

I've sat here all night and all morning just staring, and crying and struggling.


I wrote the above a few days ago. I haven't been functioning too well lately. On Friday me and Dillon went to Disneyland. Mom was supposed to meet us there with the twins but did not. The twins had benchmark testing so she couldn't take them out of school early. I haven't talked to her since. Dillon seemed to be avoiding me at Disneyland. Trying to spend as much time away from me as possible. I slept all day Saturday.

Feeling so hopeless. So lonely. So anxious. Just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Been very urgy but trying so hard not to cut.

So itchy. Tired. Itchy. Anxious. Depressed. Achey. Hopeless. Stupid. Lonely. Unworthy of love.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

tired but should do stuff

I took the thw twins to school yesterday then took Kylee then let Dillon drive to school. Grandma had me give Kylee $20 because she had no cash and Kylee needed food money and I only had twenties. Then grandma gave me her debit card to get $20 out of her account to replace what I gave Kylee for my groceries money.

When I got home I went and got the mail. I came back to find my neighbor outside. He looked at my car and said that I need power steering fluid. While I was at grandma's yesterday she checked my oil and added 2 bottles of oil to it. My neighbor had pointed out a knocking sound in my engine to me a few days ago and said that he'd check my oil for me and put some in if it needed it if I got some oil. It was the day it was raining when he'd said that and I hadn't talked to him since. I'd been kind of hibernating lately.

I talked to mom on the phone during her lunch hour. She said she'd talked to mando and that he's going to let her have the kids friday so we can go to Disneyland and he'll have them two days next week. I think he's trying to get them for Halloween even though it is her year. He had them last year.

Today I should go grocery shopping and make a doctors appointment. It's been far too long since I tried doing the doctors stuff. The headaches and back pain need help. I should probably go back to the asthma doctor and the stomach doctor too. I hate doing all that stuff.

Pretty much everyone in #bus is having a hard time. It's so hard to believe that meff is really gone. His wife has to go to the funeral home today. I wish I could help her. I'm doing the only thing any of us can really do though. I'm around to talk to.

I wish I could go to sleep and this time when I wake up I really wake up. I wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream. I want to wake up and realize that my meffypoo is feeling better from the flu he had last week. That he's not really dead. That shyla still has the center of her world. I don't want to make the phone calls to doctors and start all that hassle again. I don't want to go grocery shopping. I dont want to think about anything anymore. I just want to curl up and die. Tired of the pain. Tired of the sadness. Tired of the loneliness. Tired of the hopelessness. Tired of wondering how I'll get my family Christmas presents. Tired of being tired. Just so tired.

Monday, October 19, 2009

goodbye meffypoo. how can you be dead??

Went eleven days before I screwed up and didn't write. Just plain lazyness. Didn't do anything. No writing, no cleaning. Nothing really. I slept most of the day away both Saturday and Sunday.

On saturday evening JohnJohn called and invited me to karaoke. I didn't get up until they called despite several efforts on and off for hours to talk myself out of bed. I went to karaoke with them and he paid for my Shirley Temple. I met them at Danielle's house and then Danielle drove and we picked up Emma who lives pretty close to the karaoke place they've been going to.

meff passed away 10/19/2009 at 2:52 a.m. CST - He's at peace now.

I just found out my good friend who I called meffypoo died. Rodney was such a good guy. On friday he had the flu. When I was about to go to bed sunday morning his wife shyla instant messaged me and told me he was in the hospital and had been put on a ventilator. He had pneumonia and his kidney's were failing. She asked me to pray for him and I did. And now he's gone. It was just a few days ago I was joking with him. He was so funny and so smart. Was always willing to listen and was one of those people who would talk about anything. I loved talking to him. He was so selfless. Hated to ask for anything but counted me as a friend and opened up to me and I opened up to him. He helped me with computer problems many many times. Never asked anything in return except friendship. He called me jennellybelly. I called him meffypoo. I just can't believe he's gone. Just gone. He had the damn flu. Everyone gets the flu. Shyla said yesterday it was the swine flu. even so it still was the flu one day and then two days later he's DEAD. how can he be dead? why are so many people dieing? Sergio's dad, danielle's grandma, meff...all so close together. who's next? i wish i was the one to die. i'm sick of watching as people drop like flies.

I feel torn between not wanting to be alone and wanting to pull away from EVERYBODY so that I have no one else to lose. If I have no one in my life to care about then theres no one who can hurt me (whether they mean to or not).

Saturday, October 17, 2009

day 11

Went to Night of Music from Film with mom and the twins. Grandma had made spaghetti so I had some of that before before we went. I had to take mom over to get the car from the mechanic beforehand.

It was hot today. like 97F. I want the weather to cool back down. We had one day of rain and then back up the temperatures went.

I haven't done anything around my apartment today again really. I put a new trash bag in the trashcan and threw some empty bottles in the bag they go in. Feel so tired all the time. I'm sick of being tired.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Day 10 and I have light

Ten days in a row.

I broke the lamp this morning. My landlord came over and fixed the celing light and the lamp too. I hope I got all the broken pieces of the bulb off the floor. I found one little tiny piece of glass with my bare foot and it still hurts.

I finished the book Breaking Dawn. I love the Twilight Series and want more. Now. There's a draft of a fifth book on the author's website. It's basically the first novel from Edward's point of view instead of Bella's from the discription. I haven't read the actual pdf yet though. I plan to.

I have not slept and it is after two pm. I guess I better take a nap. Tomorrow I have to go over to mom's house in the afternoon and get her to help me with the paperwork and then me and her and the twins are going to see "A Night of Music From Film" at the college. Marcie decided not to go and I haven't talked to John or Danielle since I told them about it so I doubt they plan on going.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I napped from like three until almost eight pm. I finally got around to fixing a bowl of soup around midnight and didn't shower until like three pm. I finished the book Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Didn't work on the list at all really. And it's after four am now and I'm not in the mood to work on it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

day 9

The housing inspector showed up early. Barely even came in the door. Told me to turn on the heater and I did and by the time I turned back around to lok at him he was already on his way out. I let my landlord know. I also told her about my light not working. She said she would check their schedule and call me before they come. Haven't heard back and am still sitting in this crappy darkness of my shadow with a lamp I've knocked several damn times. I don't know what I'll do if I break the damn thing.

I spent most of the rest of the day asleep on the couch. I'm always so tired. I'll probably have to call my landlord again tomorrow about my light cuz this is driving me nuts. I need to go grocery shopping soon too though. I should go over to mom's house today and give grandma her gas and debit cards back and ask mom to help me with the papers I have to send in for jury duty and for housing assistant that I can't make sense of.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

day 8

It rained all day. I took Kylee and the twins to school and then went back to grandma's house to wait for Dillon to be ready and took him to school. Grandma loaned me her gas card and her atm card. She told me to fill my gas tank and get money for groceries. I have to give her the cards back when I see her again. After I did those things I came home and laid down because I was really tired and had a headache. I set two alarms so I would get up in time for my appointment at the clinic. I got to the clinic several minutes early and it didn't take very long and I was home by 3:30. When I was napping in the morning a guy from the mental health clinic I'm transfering tocalled twice both times as soon as I'd finally gotten comfortable and fallen asleep. I have an appointment with that clinic for an intake on November 9th at 1pm.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

day 7

Mom came by when she got off work at ten am to try to get my ceiling light on but had no more luck with it than I have. I will probably have to call my landlords about the stupid thing. I'm tired but I need to be productive and clean and stuff so I didn't go back to sleep. I got up and put on socks and a sweatshirt and eventually started on my list after wasting time on facebook.

I feel depressed. I feel tired.

I cut my legs. Wasn't enough but afraid to do more because I have to go to the clinic tomorrow and don't want to chance them not letting me go home. I'm just going to get something signed or something to get me out of jury duty. I've been excused from jury duty before by my psychiatrist there. I would not be a good juror. I don't have the attention span or the ability to sit still and wouldn't be able to make sense of the evidence or make a decision if a person was guilty or not "without reasonable doubt".

Monday, October 12, 2009

day 6

The list I'm working on is

1. me
2. kitchen
3. sweeps
4. livingroom
5. breaking dawn
6. blog
7. clothes
8. sbf
9. bath/hall
10. yayas
11. want list
12. bedroom
13. wanted spam
14. floor

I tested out my new vaccuum cleaner. It works well enough. Cleaned out the

large collection of crumbs and who knows what under the couch cushions. I accidently pulled the light on the livingroom light and turned it off and now it is stuck again and cannot be turned on. I grabbed my only lamp out of the bedroom and hopefully I don't knock it over and break the damn thing.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

day 5

Today is a pretty boring day. I plugged my new vacuum in but it has to charge for 16 hours before it's ready so it won't be ready until after dawn. I'm starting to wonder what to have for dinner. I'm working on a list and watching tv.

Kylee called. She ran into John and Danielle earlier today and John asked her about the Jo Dee Mesina concert that will be at Citrus next monnth. Kylee will be working consessions for that show. I found the info online and emailed it to Danielle and then called Danielle to tell her. Danielle said she was just about to call me to invite me to karaoke. I decided not to go though. I feel bad about always letting them pay for stuff for me. They just paid for my pizza last night and also gave me a new purse. I don't have any money so I can't buy a soda and she offered to buy me one but I always feel bad for taking anything from anyone. I don't feel I deserve it. I cry alot when I'm alone cuz i feel like shit for always needing and not being able to give much of anything. I talked to Marcie briefly on the phone too before I called Danielle to tell her about the show next thursday and friday that Kylee is invovled in at Citrus. A Night of Music from film. It's a show the school does every year and Marcie was in it before with the orchastra. We'll probably go thursday night tho i'm not sure where i'll get the $10 for the ticket.

I'm itchy always again. It got a little better for a while but it's getting worse again. My head and neck have been the itchiest lately but I itch all over.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Day 4

I'm so tired. I got up by one pm and then took Dillon driving late in the afternoon. I think it was about 5pm by the time I finally got over there and we left. We started out in the college parking lot so he could get used to my car and then drove for an hour or so around town. He drove about twenty six miles or so. Then I went over to Danielle's house. We had roundtabble pizza and then watched some show called eastwitch or something like that. It was kinda dumb. then we went to starbucks and I used my gift card I still had to get a carmel apple cider. We then went and played wii play.

I got three new things today. John and Danielle gave me a new purse! It's sorta a Christmas present but we're not exchanging presents this year so it's a "we felt sorry for you" present. It's a black genuine leather backpack purse that even has a pocket for my water bottle and a pocket for my phone. They bought it at the LA county fair.

At my mom's house were two package waiting for me. Sonya sent me a box with three of the Twilight books in it. A paperback copy of New Moon and hardcover copies of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I love those books. The Hoover wet/dry handvac I ordered with my Nielson Homescan points also arrived.

My back is hurting and I'm always tired.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 3 (with a link to a shapesoap giveaway!)

I had a hard time getting up this morning and fell back asleep after mom's call and didn't get up til a second phone call made me realize it was like a quarter til seven already. Grandma was in a bad mood when I got over there. The twins were being a pain. I went home after that. Grandma told me not to come back and get Dillon that he was still asleep and could walk to school. I was in a bad mood and so was she so I went home instead of having to deal with any of them anymore than necessary. My landlord called a while after I was home to see if i was home so that her husband could come look at my heater like she said he would when i talked to her last night. He came over with another guy and determined that there is nothing wrong with my heater it was just too hot for the thermostat to work since it has to be under 90 degrees for it to work.

I napped most of the afternoon and finally got up this evening and played on facebook and added sweeps and finally started entering sweeps again and then ate a budget gourmet tv dinner.

I just entered a sweep for Shapesoap over at Leslie Loves Veggies blog. I'd love to win some of those natural soaps. I also tweeted about this contest. Everyone should check out Leslie's blog and all the cool stuff on there.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

day 2

Today has been a very long day. I left the house at like seven am and didn't get home until nine pm. Took the twins to school. then went bcack to grandma's. then picked kylee up from the college. then took Dillon to the college and kylee to the dmv with a stop before that for her to run into her girlfriend's house to get something. then kylee failed the written test twice even tho she'd passed it before but let her permit expire. Then back to grandma's. Mom got off work and picked up the twins and then I stayed with them while she went to the grocery store. Eventually mom fed the twins dinner and then sat down with them to do homework. Kylee actually came home which means she probably wants money. She mentioned going to disneyland after class tomorrow. I waited around for dillon to get done so i could go pick him up so mom could get the twins to bed so she could get some sleep. She works six days a week and has to get up at like 4am every day.

i'm exhausted and have a headache. grandma and mom have started in on me again about coloring my hair and said they will only help me with my bills if i let them dye my hair. i get a migraine from the hair color tho and would rather give up food or heat or somehting than deal with any extra pain. they say its just an excuse but they arent the ones hurting.

housing authority called me back to tell me that what i sent from the gas company isn't good enough so i had to call the landlord. the landlord is coming out tomorrow afternoon. i have to take the kids to school in the morning. my apartment is kinda a mess. my sink is full of dirty dishes but i'm just too damn tired to do anything productive.

i asked mom to pick me up a block of cheese at the grocdry store and she did. grandma gave me some butter and some milk and some frozen juices. i have to avoid grocery shopping for the month because i simply cannot afford to go grocery shopping. i hate being broke all the time. i'm tired. i'm broke. i'm a loser.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Day 1 of attempting to write daily

I'm going to try to be more consistant with my blogging. I need to start writing on a regular basis again. Writing in general. Not necessarily just rambling blogs but just writing in whatever form. I don't use my brain enough. I'm going to try to write something on a daily basis starting today. We'll see how long I can go in a row without flaking out on my new personal commitment to write daily.

Today I have to take the twins to school and probably Dillon as well. I have to take Kylee to the DMV for her 10:30am appointment to take the written test again. She let her permit expire so now has to start over again.

I'm tired but it's a quarter to four am and I know my phone will ring around six am because I have to take the kids to school. So if I sleep I'll probably have a hard time getting up. It is going to be a long day. I'm torn on whether to nap or not. My eyes are burning so I want to close t hem but I absolutely HAVE to get out the door before 7:30am and won't be back home til noon at the very earliest, and probably much later than that.

Well that's enough for now. I will try to write more tomorrow.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

its been hectic

Been hectic lately. Sergio's dad passed away. I spent one day at the apartment sergio and brianna were living in helpiong them clean up and prepare for the guests who would be coming from as far as Nebraska and el salvador. I went to the viewing and then the funeral. John, Danielle, Emma, Goofio, Brianna and I all went to red robin afterwards. I've started taking the twins to school a few days a week while mom is at work. Housing Authority sent out an inspector on wednesday for my annual inspection. Thursday was a wal-mart trip. Friday was a long day at Disneyland resort. It was the first day of Halloween time. They have a really neat halloween fireworks show this year and changed space mountain to "space mountain ghost galaxy" which is neat. Uses projects of mummy like ghosts that follow you through the ride and a creepy soundtrack.

On monday I will be going to another funeral. Danielle's grandma passed away. She was a very nice woman. On wednesday the gas company is coming out to light the pilot in my heater so that I can get some kind of documentation from them to fax to housing authority saying the heater is in working order.

Today I spent most of the day asleep because the headache was so bad and my entire body hurt really bad. It'll take a few days to recover from Disneyland. I was already sore and achey before the trip.

well i'll try to write more soon. cant think well enough at the moment.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

who knows

On friday me and Dillon went to Disneyland with the main purpose/goal of seeing "Murphy" in Fantasmic! We ended up lost on the way there cuz I'm an idiot. We finally go t there tho and the park was not very busy and we were able to do quite a few attractions in both parks.

Fantasmic! was AWESOME. The dragon performed perfectly. The whole show went off really well with only a couple very very minor technical glitches that went mostly unoticed. Kylee, her girlfriend Shay, and that girls mom and brother all met us there and watched Fantasmic! with us.

On sunday Marcie and Eddie came over for a few hours bringing with them Burger King. It's always fun hanging out with them. Anyone who thinks I talk a lot has never spent much time with Eddie.

The sink is full of dishes because I'm too nausious to get them washed lately. I am so sick of feeling so shitty. Feel weak all over and nausious and tired and achey and on the verge of tears like all the damn time.

I just want to die. I don't want to face anymore pain or anymore frustration or anymore blech.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sometimes I just sit here on the couch and don't even know why I'm crying. By sometimes I mean everyday. I wish no one loved me. I wish no one cared about me. Then I'd have no reason to have to keep going day after day. It could be over.

I am so sick of feeling like shit. I am no good for anyone or anything. I really hate it. I hate what I am. I hate when people who I knew years ago ask me what I've been up to. I hate when people ask what I do for a living. I hate when people ask what do you do with your time. I hate listening to people talk about how great things are. I'm jealous. I look at facebook and see all these people I went to school with. They all seem so happy. So successful. I haven't seen any of these people for 9 years. What have I accomplished in the last year? College? No. Work experience? No. Love? No. Sucess? No.

How do I answer the "what have you been up to?" question. I'm ashamed of the fact that I sit home all day playing stupid games on facebook or just staring at the tv while the governemt sends me money each month and then I have the gall to complain that I don't have enough money. Last week John and Danielle invited me to come to karaoke with them but I didn't have enough money to even buy myself a soda and not enough gas in my car to go anywhere. They changed their plans so that instead of going to the place they wanted to they went to a place near my house and picked me up on the way and then paid for my shirley temple. I don't understand why I'm worth bothering with? I know the answer though. They feel sorry for me. My friends are friends only out of pity. They will deny this but inside I know it's true.

I never ever shut up. I ramble on and on anytime and any place there is. Chatrooms, phone calls to my mom and grandma, in email replies, etc. Yet I never really say anything. I ramble on and on about Disneyland or Darren Hayes. Randomly typing lyrics into #bus etc even though I know I'm just annoying people and they mostly just ignore me anyways. I'm sorry. This is just how I manage to pass the time. I just can't seem to actually do anything useful or productive at all. I fear that this will never end because I was a terrible person and now this is hell. Then I fear that this is NOT hell and how much worse it will be when I really do get there.

I know my mom and my grandma love me very much and will do just about anything for me, and do. And honestly I wish they wouldn't. I do not deserve it. I wish I could do many things for my family. But I have nothing to give even though they deserve it. My mom has made so many sacrifices my entire life and no one knows how much my heart hurts when I think about what she don't have.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

New Computer etc etc

This was written several days or more ago but never got around to posting...

Okay so I’ve got a brand new Toshiba Satellite laptop. My mom managed to come up with the money and bought it for me. I have such a great mom. Always making sacrifices and finding ways to get everyone everything they need and want. I hope she knows how much I love her and appreciate all she does for not just me but for the whole family. I plan to figure some way to show her how much I appreciate all she does soon. Not sure how just yet.
I am currently taking Cymbalta and will move up to 60mg dose soon. I already have the bottle of them but have a few days left of taking 40mg I think. I don’t know what is and is not due to medication but I have felt very crappy lately. I am exhausted all the time. All I want to do is just lay down and close my eyes forever. My mouth is always so dry. I just cannot get enough to drink. I hate it. My vision has been kinda screwy lately. I often find myself closing one eye and squinting the other to make out what is in front of me. I keep getting kinda dizzy and just icky feeling. I have spent more and more time lately wishing and praying for death and/or the end of the world. That was the worst when I had no computer. The old one will no longer even turn on and had been harder and harder to use for a long time due to endless problems with it. Some were hardware issues, some software, all annoying and frustrating. I was so alone and empty. I tried sticking to a list each day full of reading and cleaning but it was hard to stay focused. At least I have Direct TV with DVR which means there is always something on tv to watch. It dawned on me today that I watch way too much tv that regularly includes the line “I’m sorry for your loss” but whatever. I don’t like most reality shows so besides that theres a large amount of crime and medical dramas on. I watch the different Law and Order shows a lot and Crossing Jordan (which takes place mostly in a morgue). I also watch Monk and Cold Case and Touched By An Angel which all end up using that line fairly often and of course shows that take place in a hospital cannot avoid death and loss of physical abilities here and there. The only reality tv shows I really watch are a few on the learning channel or whatever like Jon and Kate Plus 8 and The Little Couple. I watch any Star Trek shows that come on. The only talk show I watch is Ellen though when Jay Leno starts his new show in the fall I’ll watch that too.
I don’t like Windows Vista but will get a free upgrade to windows 7 when it’s released which I’ve heard will be late October. Unfortunately MS Agent will not work properly for me in Vista and will not be supported anymore so won’t be any good when I upgrade either. Without irc being read aloud to me I can’t seem to keep up or make sense of it at all anymore. It’s so frustrating. Chat is my primary comunitcation nowadays since my irl friends have no time for me and my family get so bored with me. So this leaves me still feeling alone and lost. I’ve searched for another program that can do the same thing but can’t find anything. NaturalReader was suggested and I tried it but it only works when you highlight a section of text and push the play button. I need something that will automatically read mirc to me. MS Agent was nice because it even took out the crap like the symbols around the nicks such as ops and the “greater than” and “less than” that makes it easier to understand.
It’s been so hot lately. In the nineties every day. I try to use my air conditioner as little as possible because the electricity bill goes up so much when I used it. I do use it a few times a week though. Lately I’ve been sleeping more and more. Last couple days it was close to ten pm before I actually got up. On Tuesday morning I self-injured. Not sure when the previous time was, probably just before getting the new computer but I cannot keep track.
I went grocery shopping on Sunday at Ralphs. Bought a lot of drinks: flavored waters, soda, juice, powdered drink mixes, and milk. I bought a few snacks and a few frozen meals and spent a total of about $160 or so. I of course visited with my family while I was out, both before and then briefly afterwards when I picked up some ice and peanut butter from them. I had been woke up earlier that day by a phone call from JohnJohn asking if I wanted their old tv. I told him that my grandma could really use a better tv and then talked to grandma about it on the phone. After getting home with my groceries I called JohnJohn and he was at Wal-mart with his mom and said he’d call me back when they got home. I got my groceries scanned for Nielson HomeScan and all the perishables put away and then laid down on the couch with the air conditioner on and watched a bit of tv and cooled off and before long I heard from John again. Sergio was going to be at his house within an hour and they’d bring the tv to grandma’s house and I would meet them at grandma’s. So I got myself ready and headed back over there. He called when they were leaving his house and a few minutes later JohnJohn, Danielle, Goofio, Brianna and Brianna’s daughter Bella arrived in John’s family pickup truck with the tv in the back as well as the stand. We all stood around out in the driveway talking a while including my mom and Kylee and Dillon and then finally they got the tv into the livingroom and hooked up. It works good. Bella got a big kick out of Hannah’s “gotta go” doll with it’s potty. It was around 9pm I think when they left and I went home. I was totally exhausted.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Michael Jackson's memorial

I have spent the last several hours watching the Michael Jackson memorial and the continueing coverage from in and around the Staples center where the public memorial was held as well as elsewhere like Forrest Lawn where a private service was held before the public service and the journey of the herse and the rest of the motorcade from the little chapel at the cemetary to the Staples center and now all the reactions and wonderings of where and when MJ will be buried.

I cried several times during the memorial service. It was filled with
touching stories and really moving performances. When the song Will
You Be There?" started the tears really started flowing. Jennifer Hudson sang it but the spoken part at the end was the hardest to hear
because it was Michael Jackson's own recording of it with his voice breaking with sorrow as he spoke those words and on a big screen above the stage they showed each line with a star field background as he spoke it.

Another time that made me cry was when MJ's brother Jermaine got up there and sang another song I've always loved and was one of MJ's
favorite songs, a Charlie Chaplin song called "Smile". How difficult it must have been to sing at his brother's funeral. The lyrics of that song include:

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Jermaine obviously had a difficult time with it and when he was finished singing it was clear he was crying as he hugged his siblings in the front row.

Usher also cried when he sang "Gone Too Soon" standing next to the gold casket that sat on the lower level right in front of the stage.

After "We Are The World" and "Heal The World" were performed by a stage full of people including a bunch of children and close friends and family a couple members of the family spoke including Jermaine and Marlon and then Michael Jackson's young daughter, Paris, spoke and I totally lost it. She spoke through tears "I just want to say...ever since I was born daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine...and I just wanted to say I love much" I can't see how anyone could NOT be moved by that little girl speaking of her loving father who she's just lost.

The thought of losing my mom, who is my sole parent just as MJ was the only parent his three kids knew, is just....I just don't know how I
could handle that even as an adult let alone as a child. I think she was very brave to speak to the world as she did. Was the most memorable moment of ALL of the Michael Jackson coverage since his sudden death on June 25, 2009. My heart and prayers go out to the entire Jackson family. The world has lost an icon but the Jackson's have lost their son, their brother, and their father.

There were many other important parts of today's memorial such as how all the pall bearers wore a single sequened glove. Smokey Robinson spoke about MJ as a child. Magic Johnson shared a story about sitting on the floor enjoying a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with Michael Jackson. Brooke Shields had a hard time holding back tears as she spoke of being friends with Michael Jackson since they were just little kids. I believe is was Marlon who asked Michael to give their brother, his twin, a hug. There were lots of clips of highlights from Michael Jackson's life. He was spoken of as more than just the king of pop, but the greatest entertainer of all time.

Many many mean things have been said of him over the years and even since he's died but I don't want to hear about those things. He seemed to truly believe he was innocent of ever hurting a child in anyway and I truly believe that in his mind he never did hurt a child and that at least most of the accusations were schemes to get money and fame. And no matter what he may or may not have done that is or could be considered wrong or bad I think we should remember him for his amazing talents. He was one of the best performers this world has ever known. He was an amazing writer, dancer, singer, and humanitarian. People rarely talk about how much he helped many many charities and how thankful he was to all those who have made sacrifices to improve others lives. His album Thriller has still never been out sold and I honestly doubt it ever will due in part to the changing way music is obtained and also due to his extreme talents. He was a superstar all around the world long before we had the internet to spread the word.

It is the end of an era. In a way many people, including myself, have had part of their childhood pass away with this man. He was unique.
He was "weird" but how can anything else be expected if you look at his life?

"Wasn't nothing strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with" -Al Sharpton

He became famous when he was barely old enough to attend school. His life was so different from the rest of the world yet he managed to make millions of people feel connected to him.

But even though the man is gone his music, his videos, his legacy will
live on. I wish I could afford to donate money to the causes he helped
or at least find some way to help people in some way as he has helped
so many in so many ways. He is an inspiration. His music is part of my life's soundtrack as it is to many many people all over the world.

I know I've rambled on about Michael Jackson a lot on my blog since his death but for some reason his death has touched me in ways I ever even imagined a celebrities death could. This is my blog and therefore I can say anything I want. This is a place I can ramble as much as I want or need to so that is what I've done and probably will do many times again about whatever happens to be on my mind at the time.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Will You Be There?

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Will You Be There?

When weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show It To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me) Show me
(Lay Your Head Lowly) Told me
(Softly Then Boldly) Yeah
(Carry Me There) I'm only human

(Lead Me) Hold me
(Love Me And Feed Me) Yeeaah
(Kiss Me And Free Me) Yeah
(I Will Feel Blessed) I'm only human

(Carry) Carry
(Carry Me Boldly) Carry
(Lift Me Up Slowly) Yeah
(Carry Me There) I'm only human

(Save Me) Need me
(Heal Me And Bathe Me) Lift me up lift me up
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There) I will be there

(Lift Me) Lonely
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly) Yeah
(Show Me You Care) Will you be there?

(Hold Me) Woo!
(Lay Your Head Lowly) I get lonely sometimes
(Softly Then Boldly) I get lonely yeah yeah
(Carry Me There) Will you be there?

(Need Me) Woo!
(Love Me And Feed Me) Lift me up pull me up
(Kiss Me And Free Me) Lift me up sometime oh some time
(I Will Feel Blessed) Blessed

In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.

He had the talent to express himself in ways I never will. In ways most people can't. I have always loved this song, related to this song, and related to him through this song. Right now though I cannot listen to it without seeing his body being taken to that helicopter and lifted into it and then flown away. I don't know if I'll ever be able to hear this song again without picturing that and feeling despair for all those who loved him and for him and all that he went through in his troubled life.

The Dance

Consciousness expresses itself through creation. This world we live in is the dance of the creator. Dancers come and go in the twinkling of an eye but the dance lives on. On many an occassion when I am dancing, I have felt touched by something sacred. In those moment,s I felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists.
I become the stars and the moon. I become the lover and the beloved. I become the victor and the vanquished. I become the master and the slave. I become the singer and the song. I become the knower and the known. I keep on dancing and then it is the eternal dance of creation. The creater and creation merge into one wholeness of joy. I keep on dancing...and dancing...and dancing, until there is only...the dance.

Now playing: Michael Jackson - Will You Be There
via FoxyTunes

Friday, June 26, 2009

Rambling about how MJ passing sent my brain into a whirl

Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Bartender
via FoxyTunes Two very famous people died today. Farrah Faucet died this morning but everyone knew it was coming. The real shocker came this afternoon.

Today was thursday which meant I had to go to the music group at the mental health clinic. I woke up later than I'd intended...kept hitting snooze and got up with barely enough time to rush around getting ready and got to group just barely on time. I had not seen any news or anything and had no idea Farrah Faucet had passed or anything going on.

When I left the clinic I was listening to songs on my ipod through my
car speakers so didn't hear anything on the radio. At grandma's house the twins were watching cartoons but when mom got home a short while after I got there the kids went outside to play and mom turned the channel and all the channels were breaking news. I was at the back door seeing what the twins were wanting to show me when my mom said "Michael Jackson died!" and I didn't believe her. It couldn't be true he was just on tv not long ago talking about the concerts he was going to be doing in July that were all sold out almost immediatly in London.

But sure enough every channel was Breaking news "Michael Jackson dead at 50" and we watched in shock as they showed all the people gathering outside of UCLA medical center where he had been taken by ambulence as well as all the people gathering outside the home he was renting nearby there. We watched as they took his body wrapped in white linens into a green helicopter and flew it to the coroners office at USC. It's fitting that he flew away in green just like Peter Pan. The tv has been continually about the death of the King of Pop with brief mentions of the loss of Farah Faucet from time to time. The radio has been playing his music throughout the day as well. When I got in my car to run to the library to print the email about the Warped Tour VIP passes I won the first thing I heard was an old Jackson 5 song followed by one of Michael Jackson's solo hits and brief talk between songs about the loss of an icon.

I feel shocked. Have felt a weird shocked anxious feeling all day since I heard my mom say Michael Jackson was dead. It's weird. I've never met this man, never even been anywhere near him. I've seen him on tv many times, have a few of his cds, remember watching his 3D show at Disneyland as a kid "captain EO" and seeing and hearing about this man my entire life. He was an AMAZING dancer, songwriter and singer.

He has had several scandals and such. He was often described as "ecentric" or much worse but no one could ever deny his talent as a musical artist.

The news has reported that just last night he was at the Staples center rehearsing for his upcoming concert and there was no sign of anything being wrong. Today at 12:21 in the afternoon though 911 received a call from Michael Jackson's home and around 3pm today the news was spreading all over the internet, the television, and the radio about his death. The thought that this man was only 2 years older than my mom and is now suddenly dead. Gone from this world with no warning. A man who was physically fit enough to do amazing dances even in heavy costumes is suddenly dead from what is being reported as "cardiac arrest" or "in a coma" is so weird. Scary. He was an icon. How can he just be gone like that? And if he could die with no warning so could ANYONE. There may have been things going on that the public didn't know about, actually I'm sure there was. The sherrifs office have been at his home all afternoon and evening investigating his death and there were reports of prescriptions bottles found near his body when paramedics arrived but still no one's health is perfect and he was just rehearsing less than a day before he died and no one knew that'd be the LAST time he'd ever dance. It's just making me think about how quickly someone can just be gone and gone forever. I never thought
Michael Jackson would be gone. At least not until he was old and out of the spotlight for years and years. He's got 3 children and the oldest is only about 12. No one has spoken of where his children are
now or were this afternoon as their father died. They were always with their father. He had 100% custody and their mothers were not really in the kids life so where does that leave these kids now? They've lost the most important person in their life how do they face that? I don't know how I'd deal if something happened to my mom. And what about Michael's mother? How do you deal with the loss of your own child? Especially a mother. She carried him inside her body for like 9 months. And now he's gone and she'll never see him in this life again. And all the media surrounding their home and wanting to know what she's thinking and doing....she's just lost her son. She is grieving. What is going to happen to her grandchildren? I know people are curious. I'm curious. I know people want to show the family and Michael that they care and loved him, even idolized him but the family needs to be left alone. Let them deal with this incredible loss they don't need any extra pressure put on them. Losing someone you love is never an easy thing. The paparazzi can only make it harder on them.

I just keep thinking about how sudden this was and how anyone even
someone close to me could be gone just as quick with no warning. It
scares me so much. My mom grew up watching the Jackson's grow up right along with her. If someone who has plenty of money for doctors, securtiy etc be gone just like that so can my family who has barely enough money to pay the bills. My mom and sister and brother don't even have any insurance so don't have any regular medical care. Just the thought that something could take away someone I love scares the crap out of me. I try not to think about stuff like that. My grandma is 80 years old and not very active. She's much closer to the end of her life than the beginning but how could I ever go on if she was gone or my mom was gone or any of my siblings? My eyes fill with tears just thinking about it.

Tomorrow morning me and Dillon will be going to the first show of the 2009 Warped tour. I won 2 VIP tickets with side of stage passes for any one band of our choice. I plan to leave here around 9am to go pick him up so we can get to the fair grounds and in line at the Will Call window to contact the person who I've been instructed to contact to get our passes. I went to the library this afternoon to print the email so I have the info with me.

On tuesday I received a phone call telling me about this win and the
lady then sent me an email with the information. The email I got was this:

Hi Jennelle!

Congratulations again on winning a pair of tickets, two VIP passes, and side stage access to the band of your choice for the Warped Tour 2009 VIP Sweepstakes! Your tickets are for the June 26th, 2009 concert in Pomona, CA at the Pomona Fairplex! You will be able to claim your tickets the day of the show at Will Call under your name. Please be sure to bring a valid photo ID when picking them up. The tickets are NON-TRANSFERABLE.

Also, please keep in mind that the line up and set-times for each festival date varies, and is decided the morning of. Try to get there early to avoid missing your favorite band! Check the list of bands that will be performing on June 26th by clicking on the following link – Warped Tour Dates.

Followed by a paragraph giving me the name of who to contact when we arrive as well as another name and phone number and email to contact if we have any questions before hand. And closed with:

We hope you have a great time!



I wish this anxious/sad/shocked feeling would go away. I've never had the death of a celebrity effect me so strongly. The few loved ones
I've lost did not effect me this way because I was just a child. I don't really remember exactly how I felt when they died. I think this is effecting me more because of how unexptected it was than who it was, but MJ was someone who has been part of my life in some way for my entire life. His death is the end of an era. My mom talking about seeing him on tv as a kid makes me remember that my mom is only 2 years younger than this man was. 2 years is nothing. Two years ago my life was pretty much just like it is now. Not a whole lot has really changed in 2 years. When you're a kid 2 Years is an eternity but as an adult its just a short while ago. Like its been NINE years since I graduated high school but it feels like it could have been just months ago when I was in high school, seeing Marcie every day, spending most afternoons and evenings over at the theater or in the drama room getting ready for the next show that was always right around the corner.

Many celebrietties have have made statements today about the losses of Farrah Faucent and even more so of Michael Jackson. John Mayer, Darren Hayes, Madonna, Ellen Degeneres, and many many many others have all posted to twitter and other places how shocking and devestating the news has been today. Today has been a very sad day for the world.

Today will be looked back on years from now. Just like when Elvis
died, Lennon died, Kennedy died, etc etc and 9/11 people will ask
"where were you when you heard?" or "what were you doing when you found out?"

Its weird that I picked up a book I found in a box written in like 1983
about Michael Jackson just day before yesterday and have read a few
chapters just last night and this morning then this afternoon he's gone. In group today the song I picked to play was "The Great Big
" by Darren Hayes which looking back at all the world news coverage today is a weird coincidence. The news talked almost exclusively about MJ today with the occasional "To learn about the rest of today's news go to our website...". That's EXACTLY what Darren Hayes is talking about in the song. Celebrity's are talked about extensively while all other news is like an afterthought, a "by the way" type thing. Just amazes me the priorities of this world.

Some messages I've seen today online about this sad day:

@darrenhayes I wrote a few words about how I feel about Michael.

@alyankovic Oh man. Can't believe it. RIP Michael Jackson.

@modlifeinc - Our hearts goes out to the Jackson's family. RIP Michael you were a good man!

@taylorswift13 It just doesn't feel real.. Everyone is walking around
backstage saying "Have you heard?".

@coldplay MJ was the best of the best. His music and performances made the world a brighter place. His light will shine on forever. Coldplay


Dazed in the studio. A major strand of our cultural DNA has left us. RIP MJ.

I think we'll mourn his loss as well as the loss of ourselves as children listening to Thriller on the record player.

I truly hope he is memorialized as the '83 moonwalking, MTV owning, mesmerizing, unstoppable, invincible Michael Jackson.

All you need is love, love! Love is all you nee(love is all you need!) love is all you nee(love is all you)rocking on studio with MJ love.

Michael Jackson, like James Brown and Prince, are nearly uncoverable. The tunes were about his innate talent and can't really be replicated.

@TheEllenShow So sad to hear about Michael Jackson. His music changed our lives. The world has lost an amazing singer and dancer. I will miss him.

Deepak_ChopraA Tribute to My Friend, Michael Jackson

There are many many other statements out there but these are the ones I've paid attention to.

Rest In Peace Ed McMahon, Farrah Faucet and Michael Jackson and I know the Lord is with their families in these tough times.

I will remember MJ most for Captain Eo and Thriller. Amazing work. I always think of Captain EO when I see the building next to Space Mountain that is now Honey I Shunk The Audience but used to be Captain Eo's home.

Someone has already put a song out in tribute to MJ...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Danielle graduated college, and I have a dentist appointment

I haven't done anything the last couple of days. I was up for like 35+ hours or so Friday/Saturday and went to Danielle's college graduation. We were sitting in the sun for a few hours and I forgot to wear a hat. I had a bad headache all day. After the graduation Sergio and Brianna met us at an Italian resturant. There were nine of us total at the resturant. Danielle, her mom, her grandma, John, Marcie, Eddie, Goofio, Brianna, and myself.

I found out on thursday when I went to radio shack that the headphones I've bought for years from them are no longer being made/sold by radioshack and I haven't been able to find any like them. They are the kind that goes on the ears, not in and not around. They have a plastic piece that goes over the top of the head. They also have a volume control on the cord and the cord is like 16ft long.

I have a dentist appointment today and should try to get some sleep before then. My appointment is at 2pm and its already after 8am.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

We are smug

I really need to start blogging more often. It's not like I've been doing much else. This week has been pretty busy though. My mom finally got the storage unit cleaned out. I have several boxes cluttering up my livingroom and bedroom now from it. She's got tons of boxes on the concrete in their back yard to do something with. Mom got hired for a job in a grocery store meat department. I spent all day thursday at their house because I took kids to school and picked kids up from school while she went to an orientation thing.

Today I am going to Danielle's graduation from the University of La Verne. I am meeting Marcie at Danielee's house by 2:30pm. I should have been asleep hours ago. Kylee got me to give her $5 for a car wash fundraiser she's doing with the choir at Citrus and its from 8am-1pm so I gotta get over there before one and its already a quarter til 8am and I haven't slept. I've got a headache but at this point I'm not sure I can sleep and be able to get up in time to do the car wash and the graduation. I've been working on a list all night.

I dont' think I've posted about We Are Smug yet. Darren Hayes and his writing partner released an album as "We Are Smug" and put it online for free download. It can be downloaded here and listened to here. My favorite song on the album is the last one, "The Pressure". I've yet to get any written lyrics though.
Now playing: We Are Smug - HOT TUB BLUES
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, April 26, 2009

not much as usual

I haven't been doing much of anything lately besides sleeping and playing a silly game called Egg Breaker on facebook. It's a pretty simple game to play. You get so many hammers a day and break eggs to find prizes and gold and there are a few ways to get more hammers. It's addicting.

I haven't done Wii Fit in way too long and really should do it again, and start doing it every day like I was. I'm a big lump on the couch and good for nothing. Useless. Hopeless.

My apartment is a mess. It's never really clean though. Just ask my mom. She'll tell you what a lazy slob I am. She's right. I am discusting.

We were supposed to go work on cleaning out mom's storage on saturday but the twins father messed that up by playing one of his games wso mom's day was waisted waiting for him to show up to pick up the twins.

The only thing I've won from sweepstakes recently is an Exerget Temporal Scanner. It's a thermometer you run across your forehead. I'm giving it to mom for the twins since the thermometer they have is old and takes forever.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Lost my layout

I screwed up my blogger layout and lost all my buttons and links and such. I'm sorry to those I had buttons for and don't have them anymore. I thought I had a backup but apparently I don't. Will be working on getting a better layout soon. Anyone I had a link to and don't now if you let me know I will replace it asap.

Now any of the layouts besides the ones blogger provides won't work at all.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

First week of April

It's April. I hate April. I started my period March 31st. So the month starts off even worse than most Aprils.

On April first I went and paid my rent and got a check from my landlord to pay for the installation of the phone jack. Then I went to walmart. I spent way too much money. I got some snacks and flavored water and pads and some lightbublbs, and a game to put up to give to Danielle as a birthday gift and 2 pairs of slippers and a pack of batteries for mom and a bunch of dog food.

I did WiiFit on the first and the second after not doing it for a couple weeks. Surprisingly my weight was actually down a few pounds.

On the second I didn't do much of anything. I stayed in bed most of the day. I got dressed and went and got the mail. All I got was ads though and a coupon for a free kashi frozen dinner I'd ordered.

I'm 28 years old now. Blah. I never wanted to be alive this long. I spent my birthday at Disneyland though and got to meet someone from the Disneyland email group I'm on. I also got to meet a couple of other people including a cast member who moderates the email group. I spent the first few hours alone and most of it I spent in DCA (Disney's Construction Adventure!) riding Toy Story Midway Mania. When Dillon got out of school mom drove him down there and we spent the rest of the day there until almost closing. I bought a grey hoodie sweatshirt with my birthday gift card and still have some money left on the card. Me and Dillon went to Denny's afterwards.

On Saturday I went over to grandma's house. She made banana pudding eventually and gave me $25. When mom got home from easter shopping she gave me a birthday card with $40 in it. I ate way too much pudding.

Sunday was a busy day too. Marcie and her boyfriend Eddie and her mom came over in the early afternoon. They brought gifts. Marcie's mom brought me a Hoops and Yoyo talking card with $10 in it and a package of sugar free peeps (which I ate immediately!). Marcie gave me 3 packages. The bottom one was a box of Oreo thin crisps 100 calorie packs. The middle one was a package of Garfield envelopes. The smallest one was a cube maze with stuff in the middle. To open it one must get the metal ball through the plastic maze. I gave marcie this maze a couple of years ago for her birthday and it took her several months to get it open. Payback is a bitch aint it? haha. Marcie did manage to get my vcr/dvd player hooked back up and didn't mess anything else up.

While they were still here Danielle called and that evening her and John came over. They ordered pizza and we read and went to Starbucks and then played wii fit. Danielle and John both worked on the maze and were ready to throw it too.

Last night though I had the maze sitting on my couch and when I reached for something on the floor it fell off of the couch and came open! Inside it was a peppermint chapstick, a Garfield and Odie magnet, a $10 bill, and a $25 gift certificate! Very cool!

On monday we had my car towed to Dyson because it has a puddle under it of some fluid leaking. I had John check the oil while he was here and he said it was empty. The mechanic told us not to drive it so I had to pay $55 for it to be towed. The mechanic had the car all day and says there is no leak and all the fluids are full. He even claimed that I had TOO MUCH oil which and that he had added no fluids at all. It is impossible that there was too much oil because the last time oil was put in the car that mechanic was the one to do it! It's so frustrating. I feel taken. I looked the company up online on the Better Business bureau and they have a C-. Not exactly the most impressive grade.

On tuesday I had a pdoc appointment but just stayed in bed the entire day instead. When I picked up my car late monday I ran by staples on the way home to buy a plastic id holder thingy to keep my Disneyland pass in since the one I bought at the park in January broke on this last trip. I'd asked the cast members inside the store I boought it in what I could get that would last longer and they suggested I get the kind they use for their id cards and that they bought them at Staples. I got a 10 pack for a little over $4.

When I got home I went to bed. This was about 6:30pm. I stayed there in bed until after 5pm on Tuesday. I just couldn't deal with anything. I don't know how to face all the shit that life brings up. I just can't deal. If I'd had candles to blow out for my birthday it would have been "I wish the world would end/I wish I could die already." I am useless, hopeless, good for nothing.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

leaving soon to pick up car

I've had a migraine for like a week. Also haven't had a car in a week and a half. Blown head gasket and something having to do with a hose as well. I'm supposed to get it back this morning.

I realized today that I don't think I've seen another person since a week ago wednesday. I've been alone in my apartment since then. I went outside today (well technically yesterday) and took out the trash and went to the mail box.

It's like 10am now on saturday and my headache is not as bad today and I've been able to work on a list and enter a bunch of sweeps.

It's almost 11am. Mom called half an hour or so ago and said they'd be here in a little while. I'm almost ready to go.

Now playing: Trace Adkins - Then They Do
via FoxyTunes

Friday, March 20, 2009

stuff thats been sitting on my computer for like weeks...

On friday night me and Dillon met Marcie and her boyfriend Eddie at Dillon's high school to see the play Harvey that Kylee was working backstage for and her girlfriend was in. Eddie had never seen a high school play or Harvey. Me and Marcie were house managers for Harvey our senior year of high school and have had a running joke about that pooka ever since. Everyone went to Norm's restuarant afterwards which was very busy. Kylee sat with her friends from the play and Dillon, me, Marcie, and Eddie sat in a booth. I ordered french toast and eggs (at Marcie's request because she enjoys watching me eat eggs). I ate both fried eggs and one piece of the french toast and felt full. By the time we left my stomach was killing me and kept getting worse and I had to use my mom's bathroom when I got to their house to drop off Kylee and Dillon. I had a stomach ache the rest of the night/morning.

I started a blog a week and a half ago and have written since but my POS computer didn't save my changes several times. On the Sunday after that Sergio, John, and Danielle came over. We went to Olive Garden and Sergio paid. I can't afford stuff like that. Then they figured out how to get my Wii working but not my dvd player. They said I need another wire or something.

It's mom's birthday. My car is at the mechanics though so I can't go over there unless she comes and picks me up. She has the pick the twins up and then she is going down to Disneyland alone to get her birthday gift card and buying herself a sweatjacket. I'm glad she's spending the money on something for herself. She always puts everyone else first.

My car is in the shop and is going to cost over a thousand dollars to fix. It's got a few things wrong with it but the expensive part is a blown head gasket. They said to fix it most of the engine has to be taken out to even get to it.

It's almost 7am. My internet has been down for pretty much the whole night. I'm lonely and urgy and hurting. My back has been killing me the last couple days. Not sure why though.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Long day yesterday

I dropped my PS2 on my toe like an hour ago and my toe still hurts pretty bad. I've been working on a list but as usual not really getting a whole lot accomplished. I never really do. Never really have. Never good enough. I wish I could go to bed but I have an eye doctor appointment today and then have to go over to mom's house since I'll be near them. Went to wal-mart yesterday with a $50 gift card I got from MyPoints and bought grandma some slippers that I have been trying to find since I returned the ones I got her she couldn't wear for Christmas. I also picked up dog food for them and shampoo for the twins. I got myself some dandruff shampoo, some hundred calorie coffee cakes, an adapter to get my Wii and DVD/VCR hooked up again now that I have Direct TV and the guy who installed it said they c an't be hooked up til i get one. blah. I also got some flavored water and some Carmex.

I had spaghetti over at grandma's house with them and helped the twins with their homework. Also took in the time warner boxes so I could get my account closed with them. It was a LONG day. Kylee drove all over in my car. Including two trips to Best Buy cuz she had to take her computer in to be fixed and didn't bring the power cord. Today will probably be almost as long. Blah.

Now playing: Phantom Planet - can't take it
via FoxyTunes

Monday, February 23, 2009

waste of space

I've been in a bad mood all night. Everything is getting on my nerves and i just want to die. i'm a waste of space and resources and the world would be better off if i didn't exist. i just want to cut and cut til i die. i can't tho. i can't do anything

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

got direct tv and a phone line

It's after eight thirty in the morning on tuesday and I'm still working on the list trying to get as much done as possible before verizon and direct tv people show up.

Its 10:30am and I have a load of laundry in the washer. My bed is covered in stuff but piled nicely. I've realized I won't get any sleep until the verizon and direct tv people come and go. I think I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow but will have to look it up in my notebook. I dont remember for sure what doctor or what time.

My doctor appointment is at 3:45 and it's with the gastroenterologist. So I'll take mom her whoppers afterwards.

Two guys showed up right at noon and installed a phone jack. They were not here very long. Maybe 20 minutes. When they left I called grandma on the house phone and talked to her for a few minutes. I was about to walk over and get my mail when the house phone rang and it was the direct tv guy. It's about ten til one now and he has looked at where the cable wires are and drilled a while behind the bookshelf in the livingroom near the hole for the cable wire and is outside now hammering on something.

The direct tv and phone work fine. Still have to learn how to use all the features on the DVR and my cordless phone as well.

Now playing: Switchfoot - Love Is The Movement
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

preparing for verizon

Saturday night was shit like every other night. Cut my leg because I'm too stupid to even get gmail to work. I screw everything up. Wish I could just cease to exist.

Slept all day Sunday. It's now sunday night and working on list. Tomorrow I need to go buy a phone. I need to finish cleaning tonight and tomorrow.

Sunday night I took a shower and worked on list.

Slept most of the day monday and then went to walmart to buy a cordless phone. Also bought some 100 calorie brownies and cinamon streussal coffee cakes. Also bought a thing of whoppers to give my mom.

It's now tuesday morning and I am working on a list as usual. Nothing really exciting happening. Getting a little done but very slowly. Need to get the area around the bedroom tv cleared as a priority.

Now playing: Savage Garden - The Animal Song remix
via FoxyTunes

Friday, February 13, 2009


It's 4:21am on friday morning. I'm working on a list. Mom has my car so she can get my 4 siblings here and there all day yesterday and today while her car is in the shop. The day before I drove everyone around and half of yesterday I did. Now I don't have to get up early to take the kids to school and pick them up etc and mom will just call me when it's time to go get her car and she'll have to come here first and then the two of us will take my car over to Toyopros to pick up her van.

The current list is:
1. Walt Disney
2. Sweeps
3. Bedroom
4. Music
5. Journal
6. Bachman
7. sweeps
8. livingroom
9. me
10. blog
11. secret language of eating disorders
12. sweeps
13. bath/hall
14. pictures
15. twitter
16. lives of dax
17. sweeps
18. clothes
19. videos
20. myspace
21. student bible
22. sweeps
23. closet
24. skybluefusion
25. facebook
26. magazines
27. sweeps
28. drawers
29. send danielle music
30. mail
31. women's bible
32. sweeps
33. bleuteam
34. kithcen
35. lists

busy week


Went to group and after waiting nearly half an hour to be called in the two of us (Mary and I) who are the only ones who still seem to attend were told that we won't be having group until March 3rd and if they don't find more members there will be no more Livingwell group.

Working on long list trying to be productive. Want apartment to be really clean before landlords show up in the morning. The bathroom is clean. Floor, toilet, sink, mirror, and tub have all been scrubbed within the last couple of days.

Sunday morning:

Grandma's sister, my great aunt Betty Jo, arrived last night from Arkansas. She has no electricity at all in her area and will not have any for a month or more. Mom and Dillon went and picked Betty Jo up from the airport while Kylee stayed home to help with the twins. Grandma didn't go because she wasnn't feeling well and it's been cold and wet for several days now with several more wet days forcasted.

Tuesday morning:

I give up on my ipod. It will not let me put anything on it. Every time I manage to get more than a few songs on it it gives an error and deletes everything off of the ipod. I need to see if we still have a warrenty on it. Mom bought one when she got it for me from Best Buy but that was Christmas of 2007. It may have only been a 1 year warrenty. I've spent trying to get my ipod to work for several days and nights now and nothing works.

Thursday Morning:

Went to pdoc on tuesday. cried between there and moms house. got gas in car, couldn't get gas cap on right. picked up dillon from school. kylee wanted to drive so she drove to ralphs and went grocery shopping with me. stupid me locked keys in trunk and had to have mom come down to ralphs and rescue us. eventually after going back to their house kylee decided to come home with me so she drove us to my house and we stayed up til after 4am. we put the groceries away, played wii fit, ate frozen french bread pizzas, played more wii fit, she had a lasagna tv dinner then we watched a jeff dunham dvd til she fell asleep on the couch and i took my computer into my bedroom. we had to get up early and go pick mom up from toyopros. the car dealer is in the same parkig lot and i showed them my gas cap and they ordered one and i came back later in the day and he put it on there and didn't charge me anything. picked dillon up from school again. went to best buy cuz of stupid ipod. they'll let me know when it's fixed. got completely lost trying to get home from there and ended up in norwalk in tears. mom stayed on the phone while i went into target and asked directions and stayed til she knew i was on the freeway the right way. i have a good mom.

i have to get dillon to school at like 8:30am and then pick the twins up at like 11:30am and who knows where kylee's gonna want/need to go. mom wont get her car back til the end of the day most likely they said. another really long day. i slept a little from like 11 to 2:30am or so and have been crying a lot before and since. working on a list now and trying not to si.

I want to give up. I want to stop living. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop being so stupid, so hopeless. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the world.

Friday morning:

I took Dillon to school in the morning then went back to their house and waited for the twins to get out of school at 11:30am. Mom drove my car and we ran to the store and then to the kids school. Eventually mom heard from the mechanic who told her that her car is taken apart and they dont have a part and won't be ready for at least another day. Eventually mom and the twins drove me home and mom cleaned my kitchen while I kept the twins occupied with the wii fit. They left when it was time to pick up Dillon from school. I did a bit more Wii fit to get my 30 minutes. Then I napped. Ate a tv dinner and the last of the cheesecake and then eventually started working on a list.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

early tues morn

It's early tuesday. I've been following a long list. Adding 5 things to the list just about every time I get through it. I have to go to sleep sometime this morning though with the alarms set and get to group. I missed last week to take Kylee and Tricia to Disneyland for Kylee's birthday.

Have done a lot. The kitchen and livingroom have noticable differences of cleanliness. So does the bathroom. I've also read a little here and there and got through some emails. Entered very few sweeps though.

Monday, February 2, 2009

long blog written over who knows how long

Went to sleep around noon on Saturday and stayed in bed all day and night. Got up around 2:30am and went and laid on the couch and dozed for another hour or so then finally got up and started to work on a list.

Ate a yogurt around 7:30am which was the first thing i'd eaten in at least 24 hours. I did not and do not really even feel hungry. I do feel depressed and achey and tired.

Ate a couple small things throughout the day but not really tasted good or was really enjoyable even tho it was stuff I usually do enjoy such as a 100 calorie pack of chocolate chip cookies. I guess I'm not worth enjoying anything anyways so that's ok.

Had a budget gourmet type of tv dinner. Swiffered (dry and wet) most of the livingroom in small sections throughout the day. Only way I seem to get anything done is in really small parts at a time.
I finished reading "Multiple Blessings" today.

Wrote the above several days ago. Later that night had a terrible thunder/lightning/hail storm that knocked out the electricity for over 4 hours. I sat on the couch with my ipod and a flashlight and some books. Took more ativan than usual because I totally do not deal well with the dark. The power went out right around midnight. Just when I was going to finish adding new sweeps and start on daily sweeps. I was so frustrated.


It is now Saturday morning. Later today me and mom are supposed to go to the movies but I don't know what we are going to see.

Mom and I saw Paul Bardt: Mall Cop. It was pretty funny. Written by Kevin James. Produced by Adamn Sandler. Was better than either of us expected. We went to the new Bob's Big Boy resturant before seeing the movie. We had a good time.

Pain got really bad though throughout the night. Lortab didn't even really help. Eventually slept and woke up in less pain but have felt exhausted all the time.


It's now monday afternoon and I'm doing a mad rush cleaning the apartment before I go pay rent. I found tons of little tiny whiteish bugs crawling all over my counter and on one of the food cabinet shelves. I took everything out of the cabinet and checked all of the food stuff and there was no bugs anywhere on or in any of it that I could find. They were just on the shelf and counter. Online I discovered that they MAY be termites but I can't really tell for sure and will need to talk to landlord about it. I want to get my place clean tho in case they come over.

Called landlord. They are coming over wednesday to spray. She said to just give them the rent check then. Going to continue working on list for as long as I can get myself to stick to it and try to get this place really clean. I have a headache that keeps getting worse. Took some excedrin a bit ago.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

just blahness

I finished reading the Stephen King/Peter Straub book, The Talisman, the other day I guess it was and am now reading the book Multiple Bles8ings about and by the Gosselin family.

I'm not in a good mood which is not uncommon. I ended up SIing earlier. Just feeling like crap with no real reason that I can identify. I wish everything would just end. Everything being me. I just want to disappear.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I have recently discovered It is a website that keeps

track of what you listen to and you can see what your friends are

listening to and see how compatable you are musically with them. It

also lets you stream music and makes recommendations for other music

you may like. It involves installing software but hasn't seemed to

cause any problems with my computer.

I've been trying to get all my music into itunes and properly

labeled. I only have 3300 songs on my ipod but have nearly 4500 on

itunes currently. Need to transfer them to the ipod but want to fix

as many of the tags as possible first. Next time I plug my ipod

into the computer I also plan to move some videos I've taken and

photos onto it.

Speaking of photos I need to upload all the Christmas pictures and New Years and Dillon's birthday pictures to the computer and have a lot of pictures I haven't uploaded to photobucket yet either. There are many many things I haven't done I want or need to get done.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

My brother is an adult!

For Dillon's 18th birthday I picked him up from school at lunch time and we went to Arby's and then headed to Disneyland Resort. The parks were not busy at all which was nice. He got a $69 disney gift card to use for merchandise within the parks and bought himself a hat and a tshirt and I spent part of it on a new necklace thingy to carry my annual pass and fastpasses in when we are there and several postcards. I am going to pay him back for those. After the park closed at 8pm we went to City Hall on Main Street and got directions to Sonic Drive-in resturant and ate there. Then we got majorly lost driving home and had to ask for directions twice, neither of the people we asked spoke english very well and made me even more confused.

On friday night I went over to their house for pizza and cake. I came home and worked on a list.

On Saturday night John, Danielle, and their friend Britney came over and we ordered pizza and played Wii Fit and Life: Twists and turns. I won the board game this time.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

First real blog entry of 2009

It’s been a really long time since I actually posted a blog entry. Christmas and new years came and went. My mom went nuts with Christmas. The twins got a swingset. Kylee got a Dell Inspiron laptop. Dillon got a really high-end camera. I got a Wii and a Wii Fit. We all got many other things as well.

One of the twins got me a little tool set in a plastic box shaped like a hammer. The other got me these 3 little ceramic (or some kind of breakable) bears. Dillon got me a pretty blue blouse (that I haven’t worn yet) and a set of 5 tins of fruit flavored green teas. Pear, Strawberry, Raspberry, Kiwi, and Orange. Kylee got me an adapter so I can listen to my ipod through my cassette player in the car, 2 sets of thermals, 4 pairs of cute socks, and 2 Robin William films on DVD (Man of the Year and Flubber).

Besides the Wii and Wii Fit I also had many other gifts under the tree from mom and of course Santa Claus. In my stocking I had the usual cookies and candies including a bag of Pepperidge Farm Mint Millano cookies (my favorite!). There was also a $10 gift certificate for the cheap movie theater near the college. Under the tree was the book The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowlin. I got a 4GB flash drive. A pedometer. Rascal Flatts Greatest Hits Volume 1 CD, two of Jeff Dunham’s DVDs (Arguing with myself and Very special Christmas Special), and some clothes. A pink tinker bell sweat jacket, 2 pairs of jeans (blue and black), a gray Happy Bunny sweatshirt that says Whatever on it, a white Elmo sweatshirt, and a long sleeve pink blouse. I also got a VCR/DVD player.

On Christmas eve Santa came and visited with us and brought in a bag mom had set out with a gift for each of us. We took pics with him and he and the “elf” were both funny and it was a nice visit. I got the other book I was really wanting which is “Multiple Blessings” by Jon and Kate Gosselin with someone else as well.

After Santa came and went I took Dillon by Kmart (only store still open at that point) so he could get mom some perfume since he hadn’t gotten her anything yet since he couldn’t decide what to get. Then me and Dillon went to JohnJohn’s house. Kylee went to her girl friend Tricia’s house. At John’s we played a game called Boxers or Briefs and then did the white elephant gift exchange. I ended up with a candle and some bath salts. Dillon got lottery scratcher tickets. I think he won about $7 on them. I have been burning my Christmas cookie scented candle but have not tried the bath salt since I usually shower instead of takin actual baths.

I asked John and Danielle to come over on the 27th and they came over and helped me get the wii and my dvd player hooked up and JohnJohn got them both working and we played the wii fit for quite a while.

On New Years Eve John and Danielle picked me up and we went to Staters to get some snacks to take with us to Goofio and Brianna’s apartment. We had to drive way out through stinky dairy land to pick Emma up. Tricia and a lesbian couple were also at the apartment with their little dog. Brianna’s 4 year old daughter was there too as was their Chihuahua named Chacha. Their tv wasn’t working so we didn’t see the ball drop or anything. We sat around and munched on food and talked. There was a lot of alcohol being consumed but no one drove home drunk. Danielle only had a sip or two of a drink called Hot Sex or something like that. I had a glass of it. It’s kind of chocolatey and alcoholic. It was just one glass and I nursed it for quite a long time because I wasn’t sure how my stomach would react to alcohol now. I didn’t get even buzzed and I didn’t really have any more problems with my stomach than I do any other day.

I’ve tried to use the Wii fit every day. At first I was doing it 15 minutes a day. It has a little bank where it credits you minutes for each activity you do. It can take like half an hour for 15 minutes credit with instructions and going from activity to activity. Now I try to do 30 minutes a day and occasionally even do 45 minutes. I am sooooo sore now. All over. Especially my stomach.

John and Danielle brought over a friend of theres one night this past weekend. I am nice to this girl they brought but do not really care much for her. She is selfish. When I met her once before at JohnJohn’s nephew’s birthday party in the summer she insisted I give her a ride home when I left the party early because I was in so much pain I needed to get home and lay down and I didn’t have the energy in me to argue with her so I took her home, way out of my way and got lost and was so miserable and she didn’t even really say thank you. The Wii told me yesterday it was her birthday. I’m pretty sure she and John and Daniel and who knows who else went to Vegas this weekend to celebrate her 21st birthday.

Also a note to anyone in my address book: The invite to Winster went to entire email address book by mistake including the blog! I am so mad about that. Sorry to anyone who received an unwanted invite.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Re: Invitation from your friend jennelle henderson

Earlier, jennelle henderson sent you an invitation to play on but hasn't heard from you yet.

By playing together, you and jennelle can help each other win prizes faster.
jennelle has arranged for you to start with 700,000 points towards your
first 1,000,000 point prize, so you don't have far to go.

To respond, click the following link (or cut and past it into the address bar
in your browser): henderson&

Thanks for helping!

You received this message because jennelle henderson (
invited you to participate in this promotion.

If you do not wish to receive messages from Winster, please email with "UNSUBSCRIBE" in the subject line.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

jennelle henderson has invited you to join Winster :)

jennelle henderson has added you as a friend on Winster

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Please respond or jennelle may think you said no :(

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